meerkatandthesloth

[meerkatandthesloth]

Excellence

Right now, the sloth and I are obsessed with this group of singers and dancers called Ateez. They’re fun, they're energetic, they're gorgeous and best of all, they're absolutely fantastic at what they do.

Ateez is based in Korea, which is why you might not have heard of them, although they’re gaining global recognition pretty fast. I’m intentionally not calling them a K-pop group because I don’t like the term. Specifically, I don’t like how, depending on where an artist is from, their origin is seen as a defining characteristic of their work. Korean pop singers produce K-pop. Japanese pop singers produce J-pop. But I haven't heard the term A-pop before, because if you're an American pop singer, what you produce is simply pop. The word 'K-pop' suggests that all Korean pop songs are more similar to each other than they are to any other pop music produced around the world. Generalizations like that are not only unnecessary and inaccurate, they can be harmful. In this instance, to Korean artists. Have you ever heard someone say 'I don't like K-pop' after hearing one or two songs by one specific band? The term K-pop puts a wide variety of works and musicians in one box, which is unnecessary, disrespectful and limiting. In my opinion. Anyway, we've come a bit off topic.

The reason I’m obsessed with Ateez is because they boost my motivation to do well. Don't worry. I am not an aspiring musician running after my idols and producing my own hopeful yet sadly lacking interpretations of their work. Far from it. I can't even read sheet music. I am a horse trainer. But that's not the point.

The point is excellence. Competitors at an athletics championship, a duo of brilliant acrobats at a small circus, a fantastic comedian and pianist with his own show, a superb actor, a great book; all of these have given me this big boost of motivation before. I just love it when people are good at what they do. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing someone do what they love, what they’re born to do, and do it well. It doesn’t matter what it is that people are doing. If it has that feeling of true talent and ability, it gets me going.

Right now, that is Ateez. The members of Ateez are insanely talented, they obviously love what they do to the core and they work super hard to get better every chance they get. And you see that passion and that discipline in every move they make. Watching them is watching excellence. To me, that is pure inspiration. All it takes right now is an Ateez song for me to go out in the cold and the rain, work an hour longer, train another horse, face a situation I am scared of, and then do yoga in the evening to improve my physical abilities. Because witnessing excellence makes me want to go out and work hard towards excellence myself.

Do other people feel like that? Do you ever watch someone and feel like you're seeing skill in its purest form? And does that not only give you joy but also an almost desperate desire to reach that height, to climb the mountain where those giants live, and to be one of them? I do hope so, because riding that wave of inspiration is a great feeling, and it can carry you far even on days when you're too tired to walk.

So thank you, excellent people, for your time, for your sweat and your tears. I hope you know that your hard work may lift up not only yourselves but other who appreciate your skill and whom you inspire to reach for the stars. I hope you know that your accomplishments have the power to change lives, maybe in small ways, but with important impacts. Your strength can give strength to others. I hope I can do the same for someone someday.

-weird always, meerkat

[meerkatandthesloth]

Life is easy - in theory

There is more than one thing I’ve wanted to blog about - this wasn’t one of them. Until today, at least. To be honest, I have no idea if there are many people who struggle through life, or if that´s just me and the few people I know about who are really close to me.

I wouldn’t say I was very humble when I was younger. Actually, I think I was rather selfish. But I didn’t know any better. I had no friends and a weird relationship with my family. Oftentimes, it felt like nobody cared about me at all, so why should I consider the feelings of others? But it was frustrating to have these thoughts in my mind. I didn’t like the idea of egoism, especially in myself. But besides the people who truly just care about themselves and are egotistic, there are many who might appear selfish but, in truth, are just afraid of getting hurt (again).

There was always this wish of just being a good person and having good people around me. To care and be cared for. Wouldn’t it be nice if the world worked like that? The truth is, it just doesn’t.

Lately, I have been struggling a lot with my life, with my work, with what I call a social life and friends, not to mention all the relationship stuff. I was thinking a lot about seeing a psychiatrist, because I knew I needed serious help. When I finally did, depression had already caught on. Luckily, I did get the help of a psychiatrist and I was strong enough to get out of this bout of depression pretty quickly. I was very glad to find my peace again. Unfortunately, it was not meant to last.

There is a person in my life whom I’ve known for quiet a while now, and I always thought that we somehow fit together. In my eyes, things between us could have been so easy. And this is saying something, because I don’t find it easy to deal with most people. The problem is, it obviously wasn’t easy for him. Don’t worry. This is not about a broken heart. At least not mine. In this story, I’m just a worried observer.

We’ve always had these really open discussions and despite the fact we have lots of different opinions, I’ve always felt I get him. However, while I’d say about myself that I don´t fit into this world, he probably doesn’t even fit into this universe - and he knows.

Somehow, I am making my way. Sure, I am struggling a lot, but I try to help myself by finding little things I love to do and by trying to appreciate life as often as I can. For him, it’s different. As I see it, he made peace with himself, but is unable to make peace with the world. That’s why everything is really, really difficult for him. I see what is going on in his head, and it is hard to stay by his side and watch him fight. He’s not the type who would accept help or even realize he needs it.

But the thing is, life could be so easy. That was the thing I thought about when we met for the last time.

I know this world is hard for people who are a bit different. I experience it every day. Just to be a humble person sometimes is a tremendous struggle, but that doesn’t mean the world is a bad place. Change starts from within. That’s what I realized. Making peace with yourself is important, but making peace with the world around you is even more essential. There are many things I’m inclined to hate about my life, but if I keep telling myself how awful things are and how much I despise everything around me, that doesn’t make life easier. Right?

The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. 

- Quote from Mark Manson

We waste so much energy in thinking about what we can´t change, that we forget to see all the beautiful opportunities around us. Please consider that, the next time you feel hopeless in the face of live.

- weird always, sloth

[meerkatandthesloth]

[meerkatandthesloth]

What is love?

Baby don’t hurt me, don’t huuurt me... Just kidding. This, however, is a serious post. Starting with the most amazing of realizations: Relationships are hard.

Whether you’re in one or you’re not. Also, I feel there is almost nothing we are raised to be more ill-prepared for than romantic relationships. We spend our childhood and adolescence reading books and watching movies and series about relationships that give us a s*** load of expectations no real person will ever be able to fulfill. And I’m not only talking about the happy ending. Of course, it’s super convenient for the story of Cinderella to end before she discovers that Prince Charming is always grumpy in the mornings, has this disgusting habit of leaving his dirty socks lying around for the servants to find and thinks belching makes him a proper man. The delusion that is a happy ending is well known by now, and we expect at least some human habits from our partners when the first phase of impressing each other is over. And while that is just the tiniest bit disappointing, it’s acceptable. But what if it is more than that? What if, after the royal wedding, Cinderella discovers that Prince Charming might not quite be what she needs or wants? What if she realizes that she was so desperate to find happiness that she imagined herself in love with someone she didn’t really know? What if, in fact, she was in love with the idea of love instead?

I am what you might call a late bloomer. I never had a boyfriend or even more than a kiss and some groping in a club until I was over twenty years old. Of course, I constantly worried there was something wrong with me. Not on the outside. I may not be a supermodel, but I’m pretty enough. This can be attested to by a panel of my peers both male and female (including, but NOT limited to my mum). I thought there was something wrong with my personality. Which is most probably the case. I am well-educated, intelligent enough, essentially kind and I like to laugh. Honestly, I’m a decent person to be around. Only, you would never know that if you were a guy I fancied, because I’d likely not say a word in your presence. Now, I might call it social anxiety, fear of rejection and fear of sharing emotions. Then, it was just shyness and awkwardness. Of course, these are not problems that keep you from being in a relationship. They just make it harder to find someone.

When I first met my boyfriend, everything was easy. Possibly, because I was the closest thing to drunk I had ever been (I do not mix well with alcohol). Also, I didn’t find him that attractive, so I wasn’t all that shy. We got along well, we had a lot to talk about and we were both interested in a serious relationship. We texted a lot, went out a few times and then became a couple. It was easy, and it was nice.

But from the very beginning, there was this thought in my head: ‘Is this it? Is this what love feels like? How can I tell?’ We have been together for four years, and I have been quite happy for much of that time. But these questions have always been there in the back of my head. And in the last few months, they have slowly crept their way forward until now, they’re in the forefront of my mind, large and loud, and I can’t ignore them any longer.

But was I, am I in love with this man, or have I settled for a guy I like well enough who was perpared to take me? Happy endings are a fantasy, all relationships need work and the butterflies don’t last. I know all that. And what if, apart from no butterflies, there is also no spark, no attraction, no pull ?

In books and movies it says: ‘When you’re in love, you just know.’ By that logic, I am not in love. Because I don’t know. I’m not sure. But is it that I’m not truly in love, or might it also be that love feels different to me? I live in my head more than my heart, logic is more my forte than feeling. Possibly, my emotions are not as strong as those of the average person. I might not ‘just know’ as they do in Hollywood. It is possible that what I feel for this man is love within my range of possibilities. It might be the only kind of love I can experience.

How do I know? How can I find out? I could leave this man and search for more love than I have now. But what if I don’t find it and come to realize that what I had with him is the best I could hope for?

I may not be ‘head over heels’ for him, but I’ve never met someone I liked better. Of course, I had some hard crushes on guys, those of the super strong attraction kind that make you lose sleep. But I didn’t know any of these men closely, I was crushing on my fantasy image of them much more than on their actual personalities. I did not have a crush like that on my boyfriend. I’m not sure if that matters, because butterflies like that never last anyway. The fact remains that I have never met another actual, real-life man I wanted to be with more than him. Why should I be able to find someone now?

I know that one should rather be alone than in the wrong relationship, but it seems to me that things are not black and white. We are kind to each other, we have good times together and we help each other out. Is that a wrong relationship, just because there is no spark? Would we each be happier by ourselves? Because being alone can be good, it can help you grow, give you time. I know all that, obviously, I have been alone for a long time. But being alone can also really, really hurt sometimes.

You have to understand that I am not an indecisive person. I don’t worry too much about consequences and I am not often scared of regret (privilege rather than bravery). But I am scared now. I am scared for my boyfriend, who is truly a kind man. I  don’t want to hurt him, and I want him to be happy. I truly believe that we are not responsible for other people’s happiness. But that is not easy to keep telling yourself when you hold someone else’s heart in your hand and you have to drop it to be free. He may not be in love with me any more than I am with him, I believe and hope he isn’t. But he loves the idea of us, and the life we built together. I hate that I have to be the one to crush that fantasy.

At the end of the day, I think I need to take the hard way. Because I want to know the truth, I want to know what I’m capable of. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering. I want a chance at happiness. For both of us.

I do wonder how I will look back on this time in a few years. Will I be glad I gave myself that opportunity? Or will I regret letting go of something good in search of a fantasy romance I am not emotionally capable of? I hope I will look kindly on my past self and respect the choice I made. I hope I will find myself worthy of the chance at something more.

- weird always, meerkat

[meerkatandthesloth]

an extraordinary experience or why it´s okay to hate traveling

If you go on Instagram, Facebook, or even Tinder, Snapchat - however all of those apps are called - you´ll see tons of people who are traveling and obviously enjoying it. Smiling into the camera while battling famous mountains, exploring beautiful shores or enjoying a drink in world-renowned coffeehouses. Those pictures will probably create previously unknown feelings of wanderlust. If only there wasn’t this big "but".

I have always dreamed of traveling far away to an unknown place, but I never really enjoyed holidays. The concept of airports and flying itself makes me so nervous I could vomit. As if that wasn’t enough, the uncertainty scares me so much. How is it going to be where I’m going? How should I find my way in a country I might not even speak the language of? What if I miss my flight? What if something went wrong with the hotel booking? What if I get lost? What if... what if... what if...?

Does that sound familiar to you? As a person suffering from depression, anxiety or even something more human like hypersensitivity (like I do) you should know this fear very well. Traveling seems like hell to those who tend to overthink. There are so many things that could go wrong. I have never traveled somewhere without my family or have taken a trip I organized myself. Not even inside my own county. Except the one.

In Autumn 2019 there was a guy I liked. You don´t need to know the details (spoiler: he´s an idiot), but he asked me if I wanted to join him on a backpacking trip. Lately, we had hung out a lot and he had told me about all of these amazing trips he had taken in the past. Of course, I was impressed because I always wished I was brave enough to just go forth into the unknown and experience adventures myself. So when he asked, there was only one possible answer: Yes!

After much planning and re-planning, we finally booked our tickets to Taoyuan International Airport in Taiwan. In Taiwan! He departed a few days before me and so I was left alone, afraid of the day I would have to go to the airport, try to find my plane and go through all the security checkpoints. Luckily, my sister took me right to my gate, trying to explain to me what I need to do along the way and when (seriously, I DID fly before and I already was a legal adult at the time). I grew a bit more confident when I savely arrived in Amsterdam for the layover. I was even brave enough to take a stroll around the city. And suddenly, I felt excited. I did it! Finally! I had dared to leave my home, my safe zone, all by myself, and was about to go on an adventure with the guy I liked. But then everything turned out different.

On the first evening in Taiwan, he told me that this would only be a "holiday fling", which I did not like to hear at all. I had trusted him, that´s why I stepped well outside my comfort zone and got on that plane for him. The only thing I got in return was indifference, which to me, was complete betrayal. With this distance between us and my utter disappointment, the holidays turned out to be a nightmare.

I hit rock bottom in Kaohsiung. We had both been ill for a few days. Then, the guy said I was ruining our vacation because I didn’t want to hook up with him. His mood got worse and his behaviour more inconsiderate every day. I started to crave solitude, walking around the city by myself without being able to enjoy what I experienced. I didn’t feel like myself anymore, I was tired all the time but unable to sleep. I just wanted to get on that plane back home - as quickly as possible. Only a few days left... Only one more city to endure.

It was my last night in Kaohsiung. We planned start the drive back to Hualien the next day, spending one night in the car to save some money. From Hualien, we’d take the train back to Taipeh. However, on this very last night, I met HIM. Let’s call him Chen. He was Taiwanese, and he was sure that our meeting was destiny. Honestly, I just felt bad because I was using him to get away from the other guy.

Chen took me to a night-market. I had been there before, but my travel mate had become seriously mopish and dismissive of everything by that point. Night-market? Oh, how boring. He had seen them in other countries before, so obviously, it was far too basic for a cool world wanderer like him. I’d like to go? That wasn’t his business. I could do whatever I pleased. If I felt uncomfortable going there alone, it wasn’t his problem.

Chen was very different, and he was exactly what I needed at the time. I felt insecure and reluctant in this country I didn’t know, so he took me by the hand and showed me. And this time, I loved the night-market. Chen made me try all the dishes I had just been looking at before, and he got me to play the games I would not have dared to even get a closer look at by myself. It was a fantastic night.

Then, of course, I had to go back to the hotel, into the room with my ill-tempered travel mate, which was somehow much worse after an evening of having fun and feeling appreciated. Also, my travel mate was mad at me for staying out late. He was barely talking to me anymore, even on the next day. The car ride drive was correspondingly horrible, especially because all the texts I got from Chen made me very aware of how much I would have preferred his company over that of my travel mate.

Half way back to Hualien, we stopped at the parking lot of Sanxiantai Arch Bridge to spend the night. It was not quite dark yet, so we went to have a closer look at the bridge. I personally found it really interesting, but once again, he only had bad things to say about the place. Back in the car, he wanted to talk things out. I did so as well, wishing we could get it together for the last few days. And we had tried before, but we never really seemed to get anywhere. He just didn’t understand why I felt betrayed by him. Now, it’s not that he didn’t even consider a serious relationship with me. If he had told me so back home, that would have been okay. It just wasn’t a brilliant thing to discover the second you landed in a country half-way around the world where he was the only point of reference. Also, I had told him beforehand that I find traveling extremely stressful and that I would have to rely on him completely in Taiwan. And in my opinion, he had not only failed to show me the support he had promised, he made everything even harder with his bad mood and his disregard for the country and with the pressure he put on me. As I confronted him with those things, he decided he didn’t want to talk anymore and left the car. And me? I sat there and tried to make myself endured it. Then, I finally had enough.

After three weeks of his bad moods and negative emotions, this strange place, and its weird language, I just had enough! Barely able to breathe, I got out of the car, walked up to him and told him I wasn’t going to continue this journey with him. More than once before, I had offered him that we’d each go our separate ways, and he had always declined. But now, I made the decision myself. I took my backpack, found a bench and lay down right beneath the open night sky, only supported by a lonely latern. Thank god there was Wi-Fi, because we only had one local SIM-card and of course it was in his phone. I had a phone call with my mother and another with the meerkat, telling them about what happened and trying to get through the night. We were at the east coast of the country, where there is literally nothing at all. No big cities, no decent public transportation - only nature and a few lost villages. To get to the next bus stop, I would have had to walk for half an hour at least. I needed google to find my bus, get to the next train station and from there back to Kaohsiung where Chen was worried to death when I told him what happened. At least someone...  But of course, my battery was about to run out. I was so tired and so worn out that I didn’t even have the energy to worry anymore.

That was, until the moment the police car stopped next to my night lodge. I had heard horrible stories about other countries where you couldn’t trust the police, and even though everyone in Taiwan had been really friendly and welcoming to this point, I didn’t know what to expect. And really, I just wanted to be alone. They were a woman and a man, and as soon as they realized I was a girl sitting there all by herself, only the woman approached. She tried to talk to me, but didn’t speak any English. Luckily, her colleague did however. He asked why I was there and I told him about how I had fought with my companion and that I had left because I couldn’t stand to be with him any longer. Both of them were very understanding and worried for me. They asked if I had enough money for a hotel, but since after midnight and the first bus left at six in the morning, I didn’t need one. They insisted that staying outside for the night was too dangerous however. When I told them that I planned to go back to Kaohsiung and where my bus was leaving, they said there was a 7-11 close by and that those shops are open through the night. And that’s how I got into a police car for the first time in my young life.

I remember how I was worried that I had made the wrong decision, but I was just too tired to do anything about it. I just let it all play out. We arrived at the 7-11, and the kind officers came inside with me to tell the shop assistant to let me stay the night, even if I didn’t order anything. That was quite unnecessary - I desperately needed coffee and a phone charger. Chen stayed up with me that night. He called the shop assistant to ask if they had SIM-cards, which the unfortunately did not. The free internet I had in Taiwan was almost used up and my battery was really low by now. I had a charger now, but nowhere to plug it in in the shop.

Nor was there a way to charge it in the bus. On the plus side, I had found the right bus station despite it not being properly marked. I spent the whole ride, which took all morning, wondering how I would ever get off again. There was no button to press and I didn’t know how the other passengers got the bus to stop. Luckily, however, my stop was a big one and also the last for this bus line.

I found my train and finally arrived in Kaohsiung. At this point, I hadn’t slept or eaten a decent meal for about 28 hours, it was horribly hot, I had no hotel to go to and Chen was at work. At least, I figured out where I could get a SIM-card. After fighting my way through Kaohsiung however, it turned out that they didn’t stock the kind of card I needed. I was crushed. My battery was dead and just thinking about going back out into the heat to look for another store almost made me cry. So I asked the shop assistant if I could stay a while to charge my phone. I remember sitting there on a chair in the corner, staring at my book without even reading. I was so tired. I could have just lain on the floor right where I was and fallen asleep.

The shop wasn’t busy, so the lady started talking to me a bit, sometimes using her phone to translate. She asked me if I had a car to get to another electronics store for the SIM card. When I said no, that I was planning to take a bus or walk if necessary, she didn’t even hesitated to tell her colleague that she was off for a a bit to drive me. I didn’t quite realize what was going on until I sat in her car, not needing to drag my tired body along anymore but sitting comfortably and even with the air con on!

The woman not only brought me to the shop, she also accompanied me inside to tell the assistant what I needed. Suddenly, everything was working out. I had my SIM-card and was able to book a hotel. I chose one near Chen’s workplace. He had offered that I could stay at his place, but I desperately needed my own space at that moment. Also, he was still a stranger to me. Even though in the last few hours some wonderful and kind people had done a lot of things that showed me the good in mankind, I wasn’t ready to rely on anyone anymore. After all that had happened with my travel mate, I needed to figure this out by myself.

After I had checked in to the hotel and taken a shower, I couldn’t decide whether I was more tired or hungry. Chen made the decision for me by insisting on taking me to a restaurant for lunch. It was a tiny place run by an old lady, and we were the only two people in there. Chen told me which dishes were the best and I only had to say yes or no to them. I was so ridiculously grateful for that, for not having to think about what to eat. That was how tired I was, physically and mentally.

I think the food there was the best I had ever eaten in my life. While I was eating, Chen talked to the old lady. I always loved listening to him talk Taiwanese. The owner of the restaurant told him I was pretty and that she wanted to take a picture with me. I felt flattered and embarrassed at the same time.

After lunch, Chen had to get back to work and I really needed sleep. He had plans for dinner with friends later and asked me to come along. I didn’t want to, not at all, but I told him I’d decide after I had caught up on some sleep. However, being back at the hotel and finally able to lay down, finally alone, my body claimed the sleep it needed. I had set an alarm, but didn’t hear it. When I finally woke up, it was the middle of the night. I had a tone of messages from Chen, who was worried about not hearing back for me. I felt truly sorry for not letting him know I wasn’t coming. But kind Chen didn’t hold it against me.

I went back to sleep and when I woke up, my holidays finally began. It was the FIRST TIME I had a proper breakfast. My travel mate hadn’t wanted to eat in the mornings and I’d had no idea where to get anything. You can’t imagine how excited I was - and confused, because... rice? For breakfast? And even noodles? But okay, no judgement. It’s food, right? And I loved it. But let me give you one piece of device: no cheese and no juice in Asia. Just don’t do it.

Afterwards, I met up with Chen. He insisted on showing me his hometown and introducing me to his best friend, who didn’t speak a word of English, but got super excited when he realized I knew how to say Xiexie (thank you). Then, somehow, I met his mother, his dog, his brother, another friend and that guy’s girlfriend. I got to experience another night market and what they call ice cream in Taiwan - it was everything but not ice cream. We even went outside the city to go swimming in a river. It was a very popular place, people actually used it like a swimming pool. Another stop that day was bringing Chen’s dog to the hairdresser’s. Isn’t that the most hilarious thing ever?

When I got into Chen’s car the next morning to visit another city, I was terrified that something horrible might happen, as it had before with my travel mate. But instead, it was the most wonderful day of my life. So simple but so full of life. It was the first time I really experienced a completely new culture without any restrictions.

Then, the last day with Chen dawned mercilessly (I’m not going to tell you what happened during the last night...). Again, he had a number of amazing places lined up for us to visit. Before I finally had to go to the train back to the airport, we went to the "hidden beach", where we had met for the first time. It was a place you could only find if you were brave enough to pass "no entry"-signs and even sneak through holes in fences. Something I wouldn’t have done for the world if I had been by myself! I cried a lot that day, knowing I had to leave this human being who had saved me from a very bad place and accepted me as I was.

My travel mate sent me a text on that day. Originally, it had been me who had offered to meet up on the last day so we could talk about everything after we had cooled down a bit and then hopefully part on good terms. Back then, he’d said that there was no use in meeting again, because nothing would have changed and the best outcome we could hope for would be that he wasn’t more furious than before we met. Now he seemed to have changed his mind and did want to talk after all. My answer was what you’d expect after everything. Why should I waste one more precious second in Taiwan on a person like him?

My flight back home had a layover in Paris, but I didn’t go to have a look at the city this time. Even though I’ve never been there before, my wanderlust was well and truly gone for the moment. I had loved Taiwan, everything about it, but I was so thankful when I was finally home and able to hug my parents, cuddle my horse, the cats and the dogs; going to sleep in my own bed and waking up knowing I would eat my bread with butter and REAL cheese. Knowing my coffee would be bitter and black rather than sweet and mostly consisting of milk. Where every idiot can recognize bus stop because they are clearly marked and random people don’t care about your problems one bit. Where I would be unseen again, just the silent me I am.

If you stuck with me and this story to the very end, I hope you´ll also read these final words. It´s okay if you’ve never been to Dubai, New York or Shanghai. Traveling doesn’t need to be your purpose in life, and you don’t need to travel to be an interesting person. For me, the time in Taiwan was the most stressful and yet wonderful experience in my life BUT it was not about the country, it was not about getting into a plane and flying to the other side of the globe. It was about being open the what the world has to offer you. It might be easier when you’re away from home when safety and routine keep you away from adventures. But I’m certain that if you just keep your eyes and heart open, wonderful things are waiting for you just around the next corner. They might be stressful and tiring at first, but they´ll be worth it. So, the next time someone asks you to do something or go somewhere you’re really not sure about, why not just say yes for a change?

- weird always, sloth

[meerkatandthesloth]

A match made in heaven

When I fist met the sloth, I did not like her. She started riding the same pony I was riding at the time and considered mine, for the simple reason that I had been there first. She was doing it wrong, too, in my opinion. I must have been around eight at the time.

Our mom’s horses lived at the same barn, so we saw each other there several times a week. With time, I got over my pony-related issues and became friends with the sloth´s big sister. She was closer to my own age, as the sloth is four years my junior. That´s a big age gap when you´re a kid. The sister and I, however, are very different people. We didn´t have a lot in common, and the friendship didn´t last. It served a larger purpose though, because I got to better know the sloth. And as it turned out, we were exactly the same. Not in every way, but in some ways that truly matter.

We were - are - fangirls. In the sense that we can completely lose ourselves in fantasy worlds. We could spend hours talking about Lord of the Rings or Naruto. We would go for long rides and spend the whole time imagining ourselves living in Middle Earth or Konoha, what we would do there, who we would meet and be friends with. We´d think up stories together of ourselves, living there with our heroes. A common way to escape from reality, psychologists might say. And one that did both of us some good when reality was hard. But also a way to immerse ourselves in the questions of good and bad, of right and wrong, of the value of life, sacrifice and forgiveness.

This may seem silly to you. It seems silly to many people, which is part of the problem we have. But if all involved parties think a story is important, it doesn´t matter if it´s based on actual events or fantasy. If you take it seriously, it can be used to explore the great questions in life and it can teach you a lot about yourself and the person you´re talking to. It did so for us, in any case. We know each other better than we know anyone else or that anyone else knows us, and that´s quite a wonderful thing to base a friendship on.

This is not the only thing we have in common, of course. Also, our joint path does not run smoothly. We both have to work hard to make ourselves a place in the world. Sometimes, we can give each other help, or support and solidarity. Other times, when we have barely enough energy to hold on, we leave each other hanging. We have had big falling outs over the years. More on that in a later post. But to this day, we have survived every crisis. An I hope very much that we will survive all the ones yet to come.

This friendship is extraordinary. Finding a person like that, weird in the same way I am, is one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you don´t quite fit in, if you are weird or different, and if you think the world is a strange place that doesn’t really suite you, I hope you have a friend like the sloth, who can show you that you´re not the only one. Because you´re not, and reminding yourself of that can help sometimes, even just a little bit.

Also, a friend like the sloth can show you how being weird can be a good thing. It gives you lots of reasons to laugh, even if it’s often about yourself. It makes the world a bigger place, more interesting. And it can help you find the best of friends. That’s something, isn’t it?

- weird always, meerkat

[meerkatandthesloth]

The other first post

Hey there. Sloth here. Actually my first post was supposed to be about something different - but when I read the meerkat´s second post (spoiler alert: you´re going to cry just like I did!) I realized something important. But let´s start at the beginning.

On one originally meaningless day in December 2021 the meerkat came up to me, asking if I wanted to write a blog with her about all the weird shit going on in our heads, about how we just don´t really fit into this world and how we deal with that (or at least try to). Obviously, there was just one possible answer: "Hell, yes! Just what I have been wanting to do!" I was just too... cough... lazy... to take action. That´s why I have a meerkat. To be precisely that´s why I have MY meerkat.

This blogging-thing is still kinda new and I didn´t really know where to start, so my original first post was pretty random, just something that bothered me lately, but actually it´s really meaningless compared to what the meerkat was writing about. Only when I read her words did I realised what this blog could be about. To be honest, it´s more or less how our friendship started, from my point of view.

As a child, I was so incredibly introverted, really shy, bad with people, especially people my age and the worst at making friends with new people. I never really understood the concept of this world or what life should even be about. Getting born, going to school, getting up early, being stressed all the time just to die in the end anyway? I mean - seriously?!

Becoming friends with the meerkat was the most surreal thing for me and I didn´t get it until it was to late. The moment I realised what was about to happen, we were already friends.

It was more or less how I was struggeling through life anyway, head in the clouds, not really getting what´s actually going on around me until someone  stated the obvious. Maybe because I don´t really want to think about what´s going on, because I´m afraid that I might misunderstand and expect the wrong things. During the worst storms, my friendship with the meerkat often was my anchor. When I didn´t know how to handle a situation, I just stuck to her and I knew I would be fine. My biggest fear through all this years was that one day she might not need me the way I needed her - and still do.

There is nobody - neither family nor friends - who would understand me like the meerkat does. There have been times when our friendship was about to break, but it didn´t. It was restored again and again anew.

I had no intention of letting this become unnecessarily cheesy, but it´s true and I want to say it now. I´m this weird forever single, not able to keep a relationship or even friendships alive (not even with family), so I was really questioning myself. BUT what is meant for you will always come back without force. The meerkat always took me back without blaming me or being resentful for what I did. This has nothing to do with love like a boy meeting a girl, getting into a relationship, getting married, having kids (eww...), whatever. This is just about two puzzle pieces belonging together, whether they wanted to or not, because the machine cutting their lines was programmed like that.

Now you know how important the meerkat is to me. My life would be like a completed puzzle with one missing piece. It would work. The picture would be clear, but just as clearly one could see that missing piece. That one thing that is necessary for the picture to be completed.

So this blog is not only about some weirdos who are not fitting into the world and for all the weirdos who feel the same. It might also be for those who feel lost and abandoned and like nobody could ever love them. Let me tell you that love has different faces and isn´t what society has marked it as. You don´t always need that disney princess-love story that Hollywood made you think you need. Sometimes you just need a meerkat.

- weird always, sloth

PS: no we are not lesbian. Also long ago there was a rumor to that effect which was and still is pretty funny.

PPS: one last thing, if you ever miss someone and have the chance to tell them: just do it! If the person rejects you, s/he doesn´t deserve you!

[meerkatandthesloth]

The blogging thing

On principle, I don´t like personal blogs. I find them narcissistic and self-indulgent. And I don´t like people thinking their lives are so interesting everyone else wants to read about them.

But the thing is, I do feel my life is kind of interesting at the moment. And I really want to self-indulge and talk about myself and my thoughts and whatever. I think it might be good for me, and it might even bring some food for thought or just a quick smile so someone else. So let me apologize to all blogs and bloggers for the prejudice and the bad things I thought about them.

I´ll self-indulge now. I can´t believe how many ‘I’s and ‘me’s I´ve managed to put in this small text. It´s starting already.

BTW, I have not gotten the hang of the tagging thing yet. I´ll just go with trial and error, so if you´ve ended up on this post while searching for a vegan cupcake recipe or nice pictures of Florida, that might be the reason. My bad.

-Weird always, meerkat