melliechasm

[melliechasm]

If anyone is out there. Please read this life story, to save a life

I am at the end. I hope somebody reads this. I am expecting to be saved but truth is i know no one can save me. I already had a shitty life. Then i started adder-all. And now its jumpstart the nightmare. Mentally my doctors diagnosed me with ODD, ADHD, GAD and MDD. But there something else. Something lurking. I am going to admit all the nasty, weird things i have done. Because i need something a name for what is happening to me. So please read. To maybe save a life. Since my childhood i have always been weird. Thinking bombs were gonna drop in my perfectly normal house in north carolina. My mom wasnt there alot cuz she was working. My grandma would take care of me even though she had extreme anger issues. Im talking about threatening 8 year old me with a knife and beating 13 year old me with a metal curtain rod after my first attempt. I was always a really bad kid at school but i was also bullied in extremely inhumane ways. It was a small school so the kids made up a disease with my name and none of them would touch me. They would scream and run around in terror. Kids would cry if they were put next to me, and they would tell their younger siblings nightmares about me. So they would genuinely cry when i walked around. I started my period around 8 so that was another hit along with hitting puberty at the same time. At home my dad would come to drop off money and leave. Had another family he cared about more.

So naturally because i genuinely had no one i daydreamed. I made myself into a character and i created friends and i would daydream constantly. Hence the reason why most of my childhood memories are gone. I started binging and ended up becoming very obese. I ran away from home the summer of fifth grade and due to that my mother moved states. Went to middle school and things weren’t bad. I made alot of friends. Still remember the feeling of having someone wave to me for the first time. And for the next 3 years life was alright. I had issues, even went to the ward but i had people. Then covid hit. And it felt like i was in the same spot when i was kid. I started questioning reality dropped religion and all of that. Got into arguments with family all that. I would have extreme panic attacks, in the house with my grandmother and mother. Now at this time the only thing i was diagnosed with was odd. So i was unmedicated. And i would have constant, gut-wrenching panic attacks and all i would do is take it. I had no one to go to, no one to call. So i went back to daydreaming. I would imagine someone that loved me like a partner and a room full of friends. And my imagination is great to it would feel real. And it would even get me out of panic attacks.

High school- things were not great- lost all social skills and failed most of 9th and 10th. Had a .5. Thats when they started questioning my sanity. Got officially diagnosed with add. And not to mention i always had an issue with hygiene. But late middle and high school is where is got bad

This is where the nasty comes in.

I wouldn’t show brush my teeth anything. For years. Even now i do it every 7 weeks. Gross ik , i promise i hate myself more that you do for it. I just stopped caring. I mean i care. But i gave up. I would sit in bed and daydream. Non stop. I knew they weren’t real. But it was real enough to get lost. Junior was good i started to get things back up. But then the binging came. Im talking 30lbs in 2 months. So i had to be sent to a facility. And there they did cbt and really intense therapy. I had to stop schooling. And it became too much. I ended up back in the ward after a panic attack. And i quit the program and joined a php from the ward. And thats when i dropped out. Hopping from 2 jobs. I had hit 19. I have a psychiatrist that i saw. And one thing about me, is i am a REALLY good liar. So everyone around me knows something was wrong. But they didn’t know what or how bad it was. I would spray chemicals just to make sure no one knew about my hygiene issue. He then prescribed adder-all. And for one i was able to get out of bed and do something. But then i started going insane. I’m talking we’re in a simulation, matrix, aliens insane. And i have delusions. I already had the thoughts before but i didn’t pay much attention. I am on the highest dose. And imagine if someone had symptoms of DID, schizophrenia, psychosis. All at once. That had been my life. And i have been fighting everything. I have a horrible part time so i can pay to live. But every day is war. And i am alone. I am wondering the state of the universe but i cant bring myself to even shower everyday. Time feels wrong. Days pass and i wont even feel like the same person. Its like my mind is a car. And im not the one driving someone else is. But that person changes all the time. And i try to get therapist appointments but i miss them, cuz the next day im im a different state of mind. And i dont know whats wrong. I dont even know why im here on REDDIT talking about my issues. No ones gonna read this. Its really long so idk if mods will let this through. No one can help but myself. But i cant. I cant do it. I have been hell. I have so many issues that are so deep rooted. I cant even shower. How am i supposed to live. I would check myself in but the places where live are horrible. My family says im insane. My friends dont care enough. I hate the fact that im even on here. But if anyone. One person sees this, if some being can here this. What is there for me. What can i do. Im stuck. I probably wont even remember writing this tomorrow. But i have to tell someone