meowversee

[meowversee]

She told me this okay?

So I don't blog as much as I used to but I got a spark of inspiration.

I was at a pool party and I had a conversation with a woman in her late 30's. she was poised and a delight to talk to. She mentioned that I should write whatever I can because you'd be surprised how much you forget. So today I will write a list of things I should remember for my future children.

I like sour candys and warm cake

I think 80's movies are great compared to mast things

Naruto is such a good anime

Yearning is not for the weak and no amount of imagination can make something that isn't for you a reality

walking away is sometimes the best thing you can do

[meowversee]

Bad dreams are only dreams

You finally visit my dreams. I see you. I see your family and they are just as they have always been, Kind and loving. Welcoming me no matter how broken I am from the outside world. I slept longer just to see you once more. Not sure I’ll ever get that opportunity again.

-I prayed and stayed up late so that the days wouldn’t pass without you. It’s been a year now and I’m still waiting.

[meowversee]

What does that mean?

"What does it mean to yern obsessively?" my friend asked.

I said it's to think of someone or something very carefully and how it makes you feel. This is a feeling that is hard to come by, but can he experience every day. You're mind tricks you into thinking it's not enough. What you already have. you may not see it again or ever experience it right away but that the trick. When it comes to a person your mind goes in circles hoping that they see the loopholes you see. You hope they put more thought into it, read your mind. They have the tools to see you and you wait mindlessly for that one day, that one chance that isn't yours to have. You have so many other things to do but you can't stop. You ask yourself why, but you don't want to know why. You what that feeling that connection. Maybe I just think about things more deeply that way, but I think… how long can I keep going? I'm looking about this all wrong but I'm mostly embarrassed that I gave him more than he ever deserved, and I wanted to feel that it was worth it. It wasn't. Moving on is the best thing to do.

[meowversee]

Let me go!

Here is a rabbit hole of all things. My Ex-Boyfriend. We have known each other for seven years. This last time rally did it for me.

You see I let him back in my life when I was at a low point. I lost what felt was my first friend that I made in a long time. He was kind and I took advantage of it. I loved him but I hated myself and it ruined us.

After this whole situation had just passed my ex came back and I told him to leave. He stayed. Called me every day for the next six months and I began to trust him. With me and him we know a lot about each other, but we are too insecure and too afraid for be together. Naturally I always stopped the situation for this reason. He always found ways to flirt with me, sway me, as he always did in the past. This comes with a price and its abandonment. He did this once again and left the minute he met a girl he saw potential with. I was so easily replaced even I couldn't hold in my tears. I was just about to believe all the things he said and then it was too late. I already had. I didn't fight, I let him go, and we went half a year without speaking to one another.

Today, he texted me asking how I was doing. This time I've had enough. He is one to put up with a fight, but I've grown tired. For the first time in my life, I feel whole and have people who support me that doesn't involve selfish games. I've done so much without him, and I love it. Since I know his patterns, I never really got over him, it's something I forgot about since I knew he would be back. He always does. I told him that he isn't allowed to hurt me the way he did no longer, and he asked me why? what did he do wrong?

I said, "you have the rest of your life to figure that out."

[meowversee]

Ale, he looks like you and he acts like you. I’d be stupid to talk to him because all I’d be searching for is for some sort of similarly he might have of you. I’m so sorry for what happened.

I drove by your house and I know I shouldn’t have. My eyes lit up as I parked outside. I can still feel that warmth of the home. I get it it’s the feeling I miss and as of right now, I still feel homeless.

[meowversee]

I'm a model? Right?

Recently I've started modeling and even though most of these details are all in my head, I feel that this is one of the most extreme exposure therapies I could ever put myself through.

For some background, I was bullied throughout my life and overweight for the most part. Now that I'm older I've made myself so small and even though I'm 6'1 I feel more like I'm 5'5. I grew up trying to take up as little space as possible. for example, a few weeks ago I went to a concert, and not only did I try my hardest not to more I stayed in that exact same spot the whole time hoping I wouldn't tough anyone. Modeling has shown me that they do not care, and I have to try my best to keep up.

Another thing I must consider is my past injuries. I have a torn ACL, a broken heel at one point, a sprained wrist, and terribly out of tune with my own body. I'm also afraid of running but that's something I can cercle around to later. I still can't even walk correctly figure out my signature walk yet. I see the confidence in others, and it just makes me nervous. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about that, but I've always been the observing type. I'm so focused on the turning and poses that walking isn't something I care too much about. Overall, I'm terrible for modeling but I've never been a person to give up unless I was truly unhappy and I keep reminding myself that this is only my second class and a lot can happen a year from now, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the pressure...

Back to what I said about being bullied, I've never been comfortable around other women and modeling mostly consists of women. This gives me another thing to work on. To be more feminine and comfortable around women. I feel that being around women may not only caused me to not take up space, but to act more masculine. In modeling you are either a man or a woman and I just feel "different."

Overall. It's a lot but manageable.

[meowversee]

what in the baby

If I learned anything from the last guy I talked to is that my sexual trauma is quite the baggage, I carry the closest to me. Now I've mentioned countless times to this guy that I don't like physical touch is not my thing. Then, I end up in his house, on his bed, having to stay calm to unwanted cuddles. I know it's a common form of affection, but it only scares me and gives me flashbacks. It doesn't seem noticeable till the next day I start crying for no reason. it's odd and for the past few days I look at the past and how much of my sexual trauma has piled up and I feel that it is too much for me to get through on my own.

[meowversee]

How late is it?

I'm so late but nothing interesting has happened. I have been going around looking for a job and with my experienced I feel that is frowned upon. I went to two coffee shops, a frozen yogurt shop and the movies. I mean there is only so many semi-interesting placed I could work at, but which one is the one that's going to let me in? I mean you can only be creative and optimistic for so long it's exhausting. Everything will work out eventually.

Aside from that I have been focusing on school and my fitness. Those are the most important things to me at the moment. I also joined modeling, and I had an overwhelming experience to say the least. I first walked in not knowing anything, I wish there was a handbook or something, but I guess further research is strictly independent. I introduce to myself what feels like to many people and instantly judged. Back to the poses the three types of poses are commercial, high fashion and edgy or what I like to call it. to me that just sounds like an excuse to look good with a natural resting bitch face. I seem to be very good at it. Anyway, paired up with a team is something else I had no interest in but that's just me being shy. One also didn't speak English and It made me want to just walk out and find a place to take Spanish classes and come back later. As if learning a second language was that easy. nothing to do with her I'm sure she's a nice girl. Once I got the hang of it, we could leave, nobody did, and even though I was quite overstimulated I felt pressured to stay. I change shoes because I'm not good with heals quite yet. Then I was put in with walking, posing, step backs, foot placement, leg crossing poses, and what felt like hell on earth. Since I had no time to observe I was very lost, and my confidence seems to talk out when I was frustrated about not being able to speak Spanish. By the end I felt like a fool.

we'll see what happens, I have to go to classes for a whole year. I have loads to learn and I'm grateful for the opportunity. for instance, wearing heals as someone who is 6'1 has been delightful and gives me confidence to speak more and be more open to talk to others.

[meowversee]

PHX

Today I’m in phoenix and all I can think about is my ex, terrible. I don’t think I’d cross paths with him at least not in 24 hours. I’m excited for the concert and I should put my focus on that.

Update: The concert was an unimaginable experience. I loved every minute of it. Wouldn't stand for that long ever again.

[meowversee]

Alice

The thing about me is that I don’t want to be liked. Not anymore. I did so many things to try and be liked and for once I want people to come to me, understand me. This has resulted in me being alone but I don’t mind. I remember being so confused on who I should be when I never even got the chance to be myself. Maybe I’ll always be a shy person but if you wait long enough you’ll see I’m the exact opposite.

[meowversee]

thinking is hard, remembering is worst

in the book of new mood Bella decided to think instead of remembering and I know what it means now. I'm currently watching this show, and the show gives a viewpoint or a deranged teenager. I like to think that I wasn't that way not because I wasn't but because I couldn't. I realize now that I spent many years not saying a word and whenever I did, it resulted in crying and not winning. It's hard thinking over what you want to say and say it so profoundly in your head just for it to never come out. to move on and get over it. I can't even look over it when I write because I purposely make my handwriting sloppy to not do anything drastic. There is this moment I end up offended and all I can say back is the word "right" nothing more, before it was just silence. I never tried to be so dramatic about everything but one day I might have to, and I need help.

[meowversee]

for many reasons

The main reason this blog hasn't gotten the attention it deserves is because I no longer have to spend countless hours at work or internally screaming to walk out of a classroom, at least for now. I love blogging, it my me time it makes me say any weird wacky thing I have going on. I do have a friend to tell it too, but I still feel like I'm a burden socially. I met this one girl a week ago at the bank and I got her socials hoping we could hang out and chat and she never got back to me, what else was I supposed to do? Putting myself out there is hard enough. Anyway, things are good, and I feel like I am finally accepting that I have lost my job. I need to look for a new one and I realized that I'm terrible at interviews, I freaked out at the last one and it looked no different and an improve skit. I also feel like I'm on some fast timeframe or being timed for something and I'd love to blame it on every standardized test, I guessed on for being this unconfident. I'm an adult now and with my last job I got extremely lucky. Maybe that could happen again?

If I knew about this baking passion sooner, I'd be in culinary school. sadly, I must finish this first. I like baking and I'd love to make someone happy by destroying the kitchen for a few hours.

I am also excited to announce that I finished midnight sun, and I loved it. I'm also scared to read the other, I keep reading more and more about the bad parts about Edward and it makes me anxious to know that I might be switching teams. Dang! New moon here we read.

My latest fashion accessory is a hair net. not the ones the lunch ladies rock, but a more mid 17th century look. I think it looks great on me and would definitely be useful to beat the heat. It's about 102 degrees where I live. At times like this I hated driving to work because I know that I'd leave with a tank and have to walk in with a sweater in order to survive the thermostat.

[meowversee]

Hey

If you thought, I was confused before It's been worse.

I have no goals and I just lost my job. Terrible. Terrible. I wish I could mindlessly walk down the streets as Mr. Peanutbutter did once. That’s strictly fiction. I’m afraid honestly but right now I’m going to get a pizza.

I walked the streets of downtown looking for a perfect outfit but I found nothing but a skirt (has nothing to with the aesthetic of the concert I was originally getting an outfit for) darn! I do like the skirt and it would go well with a white top.

Overall I have many dreams and ambitions with zero experience. I had an interview today and I chocked. Not as bad at the doctor’s office that was terrible I had to even ask for water. I’m socially awkward so doing an interview was livid because I don’t have time to meet people before the interview nor time to freak out. I wish it was socially acceptable to say “hey. Do you mind if I freak out before we start the interview.” I understand that people are very busy but common. I wonder how many random people I can meet before I land a job, something like that excites me because it’s a good form of rejection therapy.

[meowversee]

Another week

Lately I’m feeling lost. I keep seeing “666” to me this means “remember your goals.” For once in my life I have no idea what my goals are….

[meowversee]

The lakeside

Today while driving to the lake I thought of me wanting a partner and for him to be with me. Then I thought he wouldn’t fit since the truck is full anyway. This made me laugh because it’s so unpractical in a way that I never thought about it till now. Here’s how it would go.

I’d go to the lake in his car and he would make sure I was ready and comfortable. We’d follow my parents to the lake and do our own thing while also accommodating my parents. I’ve always like a place to be alone and hide essentially and he would understand that. We’d go to a spot and just sit in silence while I read. Then when he saw that I was tired and ready to go he’d take me, no questions asked. He’s take me to the car and open the door for me as I got in and hand me my contact case to take off my contacts. I’d rest my eyes as he drove us back to my sister’s place. This is more my style and it hasn’t happened yet. It’s nice to think about how different I’d enjoy my life rather I’m with someone or not and I’m starting to get comfortable with it.

[meowversee]

A new vision

It’s not common for me to think of the future. In fact I’ve lied to my mom about it my whole life. I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of it and for once in my life I’m okay with it. Today I was on my phone mindlessly looking when I saw a small apartment. I thought about all the things I would put in it to make it a home. Just for me. A nice bed, craft corner, and a place to read by the window. Lately all I think about is baking and how much I want to pursue it. I’m still in the process of being stuck and too afraid, not of failure but of my mother yelling at me using the kitchen. I think of making a small business for myself and being content in silence and solitude. This is my dream.

For once I don’t want to be saved but I’m not ready to be honest,

[meowversee]

Why waste time with ire when there are so many more pleasant emotions available? -Stephenie Meyer