metarnorphosis

[metarnorphosis]

that’s crazy i forgot this existed.. i forgot the things i was going through back then. I feel so sad for the girl i was back then. It’s really sweet to see that glimmer hope still in her after that piece of shit broke her down so badly.

A few developments:

Wow. The growth has been astronomical. Palpable. I was trying so hard to become a better, stronger version of myself between now and then. I’m almost 27 now. I didn’t always make the best choices, take the most efficient route, but the progress is immense. It’s something i can take pride in.

I’ve recentered myself. And honestly I’m still trying to find the balance in that regard bc if you veer too far in one direction it’s not a good thing. But yeah, this era of my life, rightfully, is more about me.

I’m establishing myself in the city i dreamed of living when i was a kid. And my best friend is here too!! It’s a work in progress of course. But I’m entering my late 20s in a good position.

No degree, but i still want one so badly. But even without!! Im making 60k+ and a lot of people with degrees can’t say the same. I have marketable, transferable skills, particularly in construction and social media. I’m able to save up, so so slowly, for my little goals and ideas, in and out of the context of work.

I learned how to love myself again. That’s probably my favorite development.

I’m gaining confidence slowly through following through on my plans and being a reliable person for myself and my loved ones.

I’m advocating for myself and having difficult conversations when necessary. Will i cry while doing so? Yes!! Yes omg a lot. Am i great at it?? Not really!! But it doesn’t stop me from doing it.

I found Ethel Cain recently and that had been insane for me.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are genuinely being satisfied

I’m making slightly out of reach plans for my future. I think some people call that manifesting?

There’s so much more to this than the above but I’m sleepy now. Just reading what i wrote 4 years ago has given me perspective. Idk who all to thank. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone, myself, the universe, etc etc. I’m beside myself.

Til next time -

[metarnorphosis]

as best as I know how

You don’t have to reply it’s fine and I don’t know if it’s too soon to say something or what, I just wanted to say thank you for making that decision. It’s a really good thing for the both of us, obviously I can’t be there for you the way I would like to be. I want you to know I would’ve asked sooner if I had caught on, it just didn’t click with me until that night. I’m not looking or asking for a reason why but whatever it was is totally valid and I’m glad you were able to be real with me that it wasn’t what you needed. You really helped me and had a positive impact on where I was and am in life and that’s good enough for me, I’m content moving forward. I don’t say any of this with intention to pressure you into anything, no double meaning, no explanation needed or hard feelings, and you know me enough to know that I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If it ever feels right, feel free to reach out later down the line

[metarnorphosis]

Wha ha happened was

Somewhere between 2.5 and 3 years ago, I lost that core part of myself that made me feel complete. I’m not the same person that I was then, and although I loved that person and actually prefer that version of myself to whatever I am now, there’s no going back. All that can be done is to rebuild, and that’s fine.

So far, I’ve spent my 4 years of adult life chasing girls. I should really stop doing that -- they’re going to kill me one day. I guess now I can take the time to do that.

First one I fell in love with wasn’t that great. I don’t want to give her the time of day, even via this medium, but it’s probably important for context so I’ll make it as short as possible. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, and to this day I’m affected by how I was treated. I stopped writing, my mom said the joy left my eyes. I lost all my friends, and I can’t drop this feeling that everyone I knew during that time in my life thinks I’m fucking crazy now. I think about the lost potential and my heart sinks. I stayed for so long because I gave up on advocating for myself. I kick myself for staying, but I try to deal as best as I can. Best thing that came out of that was the unwavering patience and cool I’m able to keep. I have only one mean thing to say about her: She was tacky. Shit happens that’s out of your control, best thing you can do is learn and move forward.

I’m still getting into the groove of being there for myself and everything that encompasses. I got my shit together, worked full time for a year, and now I’m going back to school. Put in my month’s notice and moved into a new place. I never even gave myself the time to really figure myself out again. 

It’s just that I met this really good girl that I would’ve regretted passing up, so I’m glad it went down like that. She showed me what a good love can feel like, got me back into writing and reading. Part of me will always dream of a life with her and New Mexico. She’s got so much going for her, and so do I.

Now I’ll take time for myself.. and chase pretty girls on the side, because come on. Haha, maybe I can scratch off the girls and just become a celibate genius. Sex takes too long and is always worth it.. with women, anyways. I’m out of practice when it comes to writing. This is me trying to get back to that core part of myself that I’ve been out of touch with for so long and have a little outlet for my personal experience. 

I don’t care about being interesting. I don’t intend for anybody to read this, and I highly doubt anyone cares. I just want to see if I can see the difference down the line. If anyone’s reading, I’m embarrassed but hi. I used to frequent tumblr back in its heyday, when I was in high school circa 2012-2016 but I get the feeling it’s a whole different animal these days. Not sure how to deal but I do miss it here, I’ve become milder with age (22 ha ha), not as radical nor as informed as I used to be. I do attribute tumblr to being the reason why I’m as liberal as I am now. Lots of ideas I never would have been exposed to as a kid born and raised in small-town Texas.