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[mexicanscorpion]

29 ✨🖤🌻

Wednesday is my birthday.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday.

Truth is that what I want.

No one can give me…

I wish I could have my twins back.

I wish I could turn back time.

I don’t want gifts.

I don’t want cake.

I don’t want anything materialistic.

I want my babies.

I want that future we were going to have.

I want to see them grow up.

I want to celebrate their birthdays.

I want to change the diapers.

I want to lose sleep because they are not sleeping.

I want to kiss their little faces.

I want to take pictures of them going to prom.

I want to see what they do with their life.

I want to dress them up for Halloween in the cutest outfits.

I don’t want to set up the ofrenda with my babies.

I don’t want to lose sleep staring at my wall wondering why I don’t get to.

I want that smile I had because I was so terrified and excited to live that life.

This life without you is fucking painful.

It cripples me everyday and yet what hurts the most is life keeps on going without you.

Yet for you I am thankful.

I am so thankful to have had the beautiful pleasure to imagine what a beautiful life that would of been.

I just wish…you were here.

With us.

But wishing this is like believing in Santa or the Easter Bunny.

It’s a beautiful wish. A beautiful thought.

So 28

As heartbroken as we part ways.

Thank you.

For teaching me to slow down.

To take it all in.

To take deeper breaths.

29

May there be more sunshine 🌞

More sunsets 🌅

More beautiful flowers 🌻

More deeper breaths 😮‍💨

More laughs. 🥹

More love. 🧸🖤🧸🌻👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻

More beautiful memories.

🌻

𝙳𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚌’𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚕𝚊 𝚟𝚒𝚎.

🐻𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕄𝕠𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕫𝕦𝕞𝕒 𝔹𝕠𝕪𝕤🐻

~🖤𝔸𝕡𝕣𝕚𝕝 𝟚𝕟𝕕 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟚-𝕄𝕒𝕪 𝟞𝕥𝕙 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟚🖤~

🌻𝕌𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕝 𝕨𝕖 𝕞𝕖𝕖𝕥 𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕚𝕟. 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕕 🌻

[mexicanscorpion]

Today. September 8th 2022.

I started the day being one day late for my period. I have been trying to be more healthy and part of me really wished that I wasn’t going to get my period. Part of me cannot wait to be pregnant. But what i realize as I am writing this is. I wish I still was.

I looked in the mirror and held my tummy and said to myself. I wonder if it is..or am I just late…I went to grab my towel to shower and went to the bathroom. I had to pee before I hopped on the shower. As I whipped there it was. My monthly reminder that my body failed. All I could do was cry and continue what I was doing.

As I showered I cried and I thought about how my body failed me. How I was supposed to have a big belly and have my twins living within my being. Instead Im all empty. Bleeding out. As if my womb was broken.

Why is grief such a mess?

I feel as if I have been grieving all my life.

Grieving the fact that I have no recollection of Mexico and my childhood there. Grieving how I remember my father. Grieving how lost someone so special to cancer in my teenage years. Grieving how friends leave and as if they never knew you. Grieving how my mother is incapable of parenting me and I have to parent her. Grieving the reality of my family not being picture perfect. Grieving the relationship I had with my father. Grieving the me I once was. Grieving my grandmother. Its so exhausting. Grief. It’s exhausting.

With that in mind. I think I’m done writing for now. Im going to go cry now.

[mexicanscorpion]

Today has been hard.

Jess had her baby.

He’s beautiful.

I find myself very sad mad at the moment.

As I held him I think my heart broke a little more.

As she’s trying to figure it out

Im trying to figure out how not to fall apart into million pieces.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt in such a way that I’m sad mad yet so thankful that they are okay.

Im happy for them.

Truely.

But I can’t help but feel sorry for me.

The same sentence keeps yelling out to me

“Im supposed to be pregnant. They would of been here in December. And I’m not. They won’t be coming”.

I miss holding my little blueberries.

[mexicanscorpion]

I literally sit here and really wonder how the fuck my life changed so drastically on April 2 a Saturday and I was happy with where life was taking me. Then on May 3rd it was a Tuesday afternoon my life changed yet again. I can’t believe this shit. My babies are supposed to be the size of a grapefruit today. We are supposed to be entering week 20. How is this my life.

[mexicanscorpion]

I am depressed again.

[mexicanscorpion]

I think I’m depressed again. It’s exhausting.

[mexicanscorpion]

The very confusing world of Grief

Here we go again.

My tears have found their way to my rosy cheeks

Oh how it feels as though my soul is being ripped off my being

The breath escapes me and I can feel the anger boil inside my throat

My fingertips feel this emptiness within my chest for my screams cannot come out

For I have failed at doing the one thing my body is meant to do !

Oh god tears of dark fly by!

Thought this was our happily ever after

This was supposed to be the rainbow after the storm.

Why god why?!

Fuck these feelings and the damn cramping inside my throat making me want to scream to the top of my lungs

I am thankful for every day including the day you have decided to take them from me.

In a world where bad things happen and "things happen for a reason. " I still don't understand.

What fucking reason....I'm not mad you see I'm just confused. How things work just ain't making sense inside my heart.

Yet I understand it.

Just like Chris Stapleton says in his song Broken Halos. Angels come down just to help us on our way. Then they find some other soul to save. broken halos that used to shine.

Were we the broken halos?

I don't know. "Don't go looking for the reasons. We aren't meant to know the answers. They belong to the bye and bye."

9:55pm

[mexicanscorpion]

June 11 2022

Today sucks

Feeling frustrated 😠

I'm struggling a lot lately. I feel like crying my eyes out and I'm still at work. All of this is too much. Everyone telling me their problems and honestly I don't care. Your fucking problem isn't my top priority. You are mad for a fucking dresser not being on time. It's not the end of the world. Now if you said your babies die and it's been a fuck month. Then id care to offer help. If it isn't that. I don't care

6:59pm

[mexicanscorpion]

Numb

The thing about grief is that no one knows how to really do it.

The dictionary defines grief as a deep sorrow,specially that caused by someone's death.

Then there's the so called

The 7 stages of grief after death

Shock and denial. Feelings of shock and denial are unavoidable in nearly every situation, even if you could foresee it happening. ...

Pain and guilt. ...

Anger and bargaining. ...

Depression, loneliness and reflection. ...

Upward turn. ...

Reconstruction. ...

Acceptance and hope.

How long this shit really lasts there is no definite answer. As google says "There is no set timetable for grief. You may start to feel better in 6 to 8 weeks, but the whole process can last anywhere from 6 months to 4 years. You may start to feel better in small ways. It will start to get a little easier to get up in the morning, or maybe you'll have more energy."

Thats the thing with grief. There is no real answer. There's some tips on how to deal with this shit.

As google says 

Accept some loneliness. Loneliness is completely normal, but it is important not to get too isolated. Reach out to people and support groups who are comfortable with grief - who can let you move through the process at your own pace.

Choose good company. Look for friends, old and new, who know how grief feels and who can let you be "alone but not alone" when you just need company and who won't place any further burdens or expectations on you.

Be gentle with yourself. Try not to judge yourself for not "doing better" or "keeping it together." It will get easier over time to feel like your normal self.

Get extra rest. Physical and emotional exhaustion is common. You will need more rest than usual.

Embrace all emotions. Realize that feelings come whether we like it or not. All we can do is let them move through, like waves in the ocean or clouds in the sky. It is neither weak nor abnormal to feel these waves. There are many approaches under the category of "mindfulness" that can help with emotional self-regulation. It's also important to know when to seek professional help.

Set a regular sleep schedule. Make it a goal to go to bed and awaken at the same time each day. Give yourself a good amount of time to rest, but be on guard for sleeping too much as a way to avoid the hard work of grieving.

Move your body. Get up and walk or move around, preferably outside, at least a little each day.

Talk to your doctor. Tell your primary care doctor you are bereaved so he or she can help you keep an on eye on healthy habits.

Keep structure in your day. This means groom and dress, even if you are not leaving the house. Also, eat small, regular meals, even if you are not hungry.

Set goals. Set small, reachable, short-term goals so that you don't get overwhelmed.

Make a list of daily activities. This can help while you are grieving because forgetfulness is common.

Be cautious. Do not make any major decisions or changes in home or work right after you are bereaved.

Take care of your inner needs. Find time, whether through a spiritual practice or a creative outlet, to connect to things that give you inspiration and help you maintain your sense of meaning and purpose. You could keep a journal, write a song, poem or letter to your loved one.

I find myself really not wanting to go back to work. I don't know how I'm going to get through today.

6:16am May 11 2022.

[mexicanscorpion]

Return to Neverland

As the Winchester boys held my hand to get through this journey

Tears escaped me.

My little kidney beans.

Balls as Bobby Singer would say.

My nerves are shooting into the sky like rockets

My heart beats as fast as drums.

This is the longest wait I've ever had to do so far.

The nurce comes in and takes me away.

My scorpion pal reassures me that it's going to be okay.

It's all blurry and I really wish I had 20/20 vision.

My heart has become speedy Gonzalez by now.

I feel like throwing up.

They take me upstairs and so many people come in and out asking me the same questions.

Christian the new nurse comes in. He says "Think happy thoughts. The happiest thoughts "

For the love of God.

The only thing I can think starts coming out

"The second star to the right

Shines in the night for you

To tell you that the dreams you plan

Really can come true

The second star to the right

Shines with a light so rare

And if it's Never Land you need

It's light will lead you there

Twinkle, twinkle little star

So we'll know where you are

Gleaming in the skies above

Lead us to the land we dream of

And when our journey is through

Each time we say "Goodnight"

We'll thank the little star that shines

The second from the right"

The staff tries to calm me down and I all I can do is just think of the song and somehow gasp for air.



They give me medicine on the IV and it burns my left arm.

It's cold.



They strap me on the stomach

As well as my hands.



Christian says "You will be okay. Think of happy thoughts"

He puts the mask you see in movies.

***

Im walking up and my nose burns. It's the oxygen tube. My legs hurt and my bottom abdomen hurts. It's the cramps. It feels like a cat scratched me from the inside.

My hands move down my abdomen and my tears escape me.

The river running down my cheeks wont stop.

This tall man approaching asks me

"Can I get you anything?"

-"Are they gone?"

I took the deepest breath I could and and even the lord heard my despair. I could feel my soul cry and I could feel my heart stoping

"I'm so sorry. Yes. Everything will be alright.You are in the recovery room. I will get you some tissues. "

He walked back with a box of tissues and put them on top of my belly. He opened them and placed his warm hand on my shoulder.

"Are you in pain miss?"

I nodded at him. It's like I couldn't speak anymore. He nodded back at me.

When he came back he put something in my IV. I felt cold and hurt. But nothing hurt as much as everything else.

He placed his hand on my shoulder again. He looked at me and he asked me.

"Can I get you anything else ? A warm blanket perhaps?"

I still couldn't speak. I nodded at him again.

He walked back in and placed the blanket on me. I gathered as much strength as I could and said

"Thank you. What's your name?"

"You are welcome miss. My name is Peter. Please let me know if I can get you anything else."

As he walked away all I can think of what so how all I was thinking about before surgery was Peter Pan.

Here I was having Peter be my nurse.

I'm not sure how long I was there. I just laid there for a long time.

This old man. This old Portuguese man came on the other side. He was confused and no one understood him. He kept trying to take his gown off. He kept asking Peter for his pajamas.

Once they got the old man to stay on the bed. Peter came back to see me. He checked my vitals.

"I laughed and said I'm sorry about our Portuguese friend. "

"He laughed and said yeah he doesn't want to keep his robe on! You speak Portuguese?"

"I do not. I lived with a crazy man and his family for 6 years and all I remember how to say is 'estoi quiata com mihha vida ' Which means. I'm disgusted with my life."

"Oh no! Why do you remember that? ".

"well you see the old grandma that used to visit. She was disgusted with her life and all she used to say was that. She would walk around saying it all the time".

"Oh my god! This old people crack me up sometimes. Do you know any other languages?".

"Well I speak Spanish too. And I took French for two years but all I know how to says is "Cest la vie " which means such is life and I didn't even learn it in school. It's funny how life works. "

"Oh that's wonderful! I know that one I speak French ! I visited Paris last year. It was lovely have you ever been?"

"I haven't but it's definitely on my dream places. "

"You should definitely go. I think you will love it. I'm going to start getting ready to transfer you okay? "

"Yes okay. Thank you Peter"

"Not a problem. Have you visited any places?"

"I have recently been to Hawaii. It's beautiful. Have you been?"

He starts rolling me out of the place and as he pushes me on the bed down the hallway. He keeps talking to me. We talk more about our travels. He wishes me good luck. And he helps me get on the chair. He introduced me to Maria and Yenzi. They will take care of me now.

Peter places his warm hand on mine again and bows down to look at me.

"It was a pleasure miss. Good luck and don't forget to keep traveling ".

"Thank you Peter. "

He walked away. And Maria and Yenzi got me ready to get going home.

Now maybe it was coincidence or pure luck. I'm not sure.

But I'm glad that Peter was my nurce when I woke up. So Peter. Thank you.

I know one day I will see my sweet angels 👼🏼 👼🏼 with their big brother or sister 👼🏼. I know my grandma is there taking care of them.

So until then,

Each time we say "Goodnight"

We'll thank the little star that shines

The second from the right". ✨ 👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼💕 mommy and daddy love you. We will be okay. You will see.

1:12pmMay 5th 2022

[mexicanscorpion]

a different kind of day 👣👣💕

Today I found out there's two of you.

Two little lives inside of me.

Somehow my body is making two little humans.

I'm scared of what might happen.

Things might go right.

Things might go wrong.

Yet both paths scare me to death.

Will you both be alright ?

I pray that whatever maybe the outcome.

I know it's out of my hands

But please by all the higher powers in every way

Bless my babies

I pray to all the gods.

[mexicanscorpion]

April of Blessings 🌸👣

Feeling grateful 😍

It's funny how life works.

A month ago I found myself getting ready to get through one of the most difficult days I've ever had.

This month I find myself blessed and thankful

Thankful for the present

I don't think I've ever felt more present than now

Yes I do still have my moments where my head travels.

I get scared. Yet I've found that being scared is okay.

The point is to not let it consume you.

So here I am. Scared yet present.

It's like I see a bigger picture.

I honestly still can't believe that inside of me is growing a little human.

I'm creating life man.

It's wild.

It's incredible.

It's fantastic 👣💕

I don't know who you are yet or who you might grow to be. Yet I am so in love with you already

I can't wait to meet you little one 💕

8:17pm April 13 th 2022

[mexicanscorpion]

In March we grow our flowers 🌺

[mexicanscorpion]

Title: March for Growth 🌷

This month came fast.

The weather is as confused as the 16 year old me.

It's been hard to process this month.

I find myself conflicted... how to let go?

💕💕This year I focused on being present and being thankful. I feel blessed. I feel happy. He makes me happy. Thinking about our future is exciting.

Chewy and Leia bring light to our lives. They complete us. 💕💕

That was my main focus this month. ...

As for the hard part...of the month.

The truth is I'm sometimes angry.

Angry that he did that. I'm angry that he broke our bond. That beautiful relationship between a father and a daughter. All for what?

I will never understand that. As I looked back in my childhood I feel lied to. I know life is hard and everyone has demons. ...but why a child?...

I see Daniel. He's my age. .. the age my father killed my soul. I worry about him. Has someone tried to kill the life out of him? I pray that he's okay. I pray that he's happy. That he isn't afraid. That he feels safe. After all he is a child.

...

How can he live knowing he did that to me. ? His only daughter. As he would say "la princesa de la casa".

....

I'm a liar. I lied to my own mother. She gave birth to me. She only did what she thought was right. ..At least that's what I think.

I wonder if she knew...if she knows. If she knows it ...I wouldn't know how to handle it. How I would react.

i really just hate how this happened.

As I think about becoming a mother my heart breaks. At the evil this world has. I find myself worried about but not afraid. Not anymore.

if God grants me this gift to become a mother. All I can do is prepare them. Teach them that their light MUST outweigh the darkness in the world

[mexicanscorpion]

Feelings are scary

It was the last day of moving the things to his cousins house. We had already been moving everything for 3 weeks. He was frustrated. I was frustrated and so was his mom. We were doing good then the whole time. He was so aggravated about his mom wanting to keep everything she had. For the most part we were pretty understanding with her and I honestly think that was just a bad way to do it. She just keeps collecting stuff she doesn't need.

Anyway. I was bring stuff down the stars (we lived on the second floor. ) All day I had been doing this because he was at work. Towards the end of the night my knee was staring to lock up and it was getting very difficult to go up the steps. I still did my best to continue even though my whole body was screaming at me.

As I was bringing this box he looked at me with a very angry look and said "how many more boxes is there left?"

I was out of breath and took me a minute to say "My love there is still a lot of things left. "

He got so angry/frustrated he grabbed one of the containers and started shaking it and slamming it on the truck.

I just stood there in shock and then the lovely brain I have immediately sent me somewhere I didn't want to be in.

Suddenly I was right back at my old apartment and my ex husband was throwing things at me. I could feel my hands super sweaty and I was having more trouble breathing. I tried to ground myself saying the words to the song that was playing on my headphones. (Mirror by Sinrid ) "I love who I see looking at me in the mirror. Nothing compares to the feeling right there. In the mirror, in the mirror " I felt like I couldn't register anything else but the words coming from my headphones. Suddenly my body just knew what to do and I slowly walked back up the steps. I kept cleaning the kitchen and collecting the garbage.

As the lyrics just kept coming through this little piece of plastic inside my ear all my body could do is keep moving. Slowly my head started going with the beat. Little piece of plastic singing "Kinda like us, you and I. If you a fruit you'd be a fine apple. If you a word you'd be the fine print. I'd like to try my hand at time travel. So you could walk by me again" (Fine Apple by Nic D)

I found myself dancing to the song. I was back. Breathing was back. I could breath again. I avoided going downstairs for a while. I needed more time.

He came upstairs and he was not okay still. He was still upset. I'm didn't know what to say or how to react. He had a lot of feelings. Strong feelings. He came back upstairs but he didn't come to talk to me or anything. He was a like a bull on a mission to fit the red flag.

"Mother are you fucking kidding me. At this point what is left?! At this point its either garbage or garbage! I'm done. This is too much shit" I could feel my body freeze up. I stood there once again frozen. Body completely forgot how to work. Stupid sweaty palms. My hands started shaking and I was gone. Suddenly Ive forgotten how to breath again.

This time it wasn't Rob trying to hit me. This time my mom was yelling very loud. I was in the conner of the kitchen at my old house. She was angry. She hit me with the frying pan that was on top of the stove top. I felt little. I felt like she was right there. In that very kitchen. I could feel a lump in my throat. I wanted to scream but I couldn't...

Then I heard Ish's mom "I don't even want to speak to you right now." She walked towards the empty hallway and grabbed her mothers urn. She was whispering at it. She hugged the urn. She looked so little. Almost like a young child holding their teddy bear. She left the house and got in her car. I wasn't sure if she had left.

Suddenly I looked over next to me and my mother was gone. Of course she's gone. She's never been here. It's just my head.

Ish is gone too.

As I stood there in the kitchen surrounded by all the garbage. I thought none of this has anything to do with me. They aren't my problem. I cannot control what happens around me. Only whats inside of myself . I kept cleaning and packing. I couldn't even register the music playing. He came back upstairs. He stood on the balcony. Staring at me. I could see him standing there.

He said

"Can we talk?"

"What would you like to talk about ? There's nothing to talk about."

He got aggravated by what I said. "I was just trying to apologize about how I handled that. I'm sorry but you don't even want to talk to me"

"My love. I love you and I appreciate you coming to tell me this. You dont have to. You are frustrated. I'm frustrated. Your mom is frustrated. We are all frustrated and tired. You dont have to apologize you have every right to feel how you feel. Yes you could of said 'hey my love I'm getting frustrated and pissed off' I would of looked at you and said same here. I love you we will get through it together. " We hugged and got through the rest of the day/night.

After all it seems that he also struggles with boundaries with his family just like I do. So on that note. MUST REMEMBER you cannot control what other people do or how they react. You can only control how you react to the world around you. So relax and learn to breath with all the bullshit.

4:56 PM

[mexicanscorpion]

2021 yes you will be in my heart

Feeling hopeful 😊

you have been the teacher I didn't want

you were the teacher I NEEDED

i couldn't understand how I felt

not until now

you have taught me that it's okay to let people back in

you taught me to realize not everyone is worthy of my time

you have shown me that I really needed to heal

i was hurting

badly for many years

accepting a lot of things that I didn't want to accept

People say you shouldn't tell everyone about your life

yet I think that's where they get it wrong

I think you should tell people about yourself

that's why humans can speak

to communicate

to learn

to tell stories

thats what lasts more than a lifetime

humans are story tellers

unfortunately somewhere along the lines we forgot that

specially me

I forgot

I was too busy surviving the day

instead of living

I was on survival mode

I just didn't realize that until now

so on that note

like Shania Twain says "im so glad we made it. Look how far we've come my baby"

4:38 PM bye 2021

[mexicanscorpion]

Christmas

This was by far the most eye opening Christmas I've ever had.

I've realized that my fairy tale of happy a Christmas with my family is and will always be broken.

My heart breaks.

I've realized that no matter how much I long for that cute family picture it is not real.

I'm not trying to be a grinch here.

I've come to the sad realization that I don't want my parents to be a part of my fairy tale. I have never felt so sad yet happy all at once.

I spent all day watching movies with Ish

Laying down with our dogs.

We had brunch with his parents.

Daniel didn't even come out of his room. We have no Christmas tree. No fancy decorations all our belongings are packed away and we aren't sure where we are going to be living next month. Yet I felt safe. Loved. I felt happy. It's not perfect but see that's the beautiful thing about it. It's not perfect but it's mine.

As much as it breaks my heart realizing that my own family is no good for me. I'm realizing that isn't what matters. What matters is what we are building. Ish and I. Chewy and Leia. That's what makes me happy ❤️🥺

12:25 AM