micahweil

[micahweil]

A couple of nights ago, my poor, damaged brain came up with an idea. A wizard skilled in transmutation magic, wanted by the Feds, working with the Trans community and giving them magical "express" HRT in the form of a Polymorph-style and a Permanence-style spell (not gonna mess with Wizards of the Coast and their copyrights, ya know), his Floridian Druid companion who wants to bring down the medical industry (starting with Insurance, of course), and a war cleric that has used his services in the past and now protects him fiercely.

Didn't fit the cleric into this quick draft of the concept, but by god, did I have to get it down. So please, enjoy what I have...

...and please keep in mind that I, myself, am only non-binary and not trans. I've probably fucked up somewhere. I do not mean to offend; this concept was just too good to keep to myself.

August 19, 2027 An undisclosed warehouse somewhere in the East Bronx, New York City "Okay, now just relax." Edgar felt the waves of magical energy surge through his body. He felt his very atoms stop holding together; his physical form started to melt together into a homogeneous blob. He, himself was not lost as the bonds reformed and merged together into something new. Arms, legs, a slimmer waist...and breasts. Everything just felt...different.

"And we're all done." The wizard held his hand out to her, helping her off the table. "How do you feel?"

"Quite...quite different." She ran her fingers along her new form and got to her feet. "...also more stable than I was expecting." The wizard, his face adorned with graying scruff, said nothing and led her over to the long mirror he had set up for her. She stood there, looking at the woman in the mirror. She smiled, wrapping her arms around herself. "Ewyn, I look...beautiful."

"Walk around," he replied. "It's your body, but it's still new. Get used to it. Tell me how it feels." He held his leg, clad in linen pants, out and rolled his ankle. "Do this. It is, after all, like a new pair of shoes." She stretched and began walking around the chamber. Her footing would be lost as she got used to the new center of balance. "I'm willing to bet this is what you wanted."

"It absolutely is." She frowned, holding her arm. "I...didn't want to wait for my doctor to start me on the hormone replacement treatment. I just...wanted to know what it felt like. Make 100% sure."

"Well, did it help?"

"Yes..." She spun a little on her heel, stopping to face him. "This is what I hope that I will get to be some day."

He smiled and waved his hand. "There is a problem with this spell, though. It's temporary. At some point, you're going to be Edgar again. That does make me worry, since it has affected some of my clients in the past. There was a whole year that I refused to do it because-"

"I know the story, Ewyn. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

"Oh no. No need to worry. What came out of that year was necessary. The missing part of the puzzle." He held his fingers out, magical energy dancing across them. "Do you want to wait? Especially with the government running around and doing what it's doing?"

"...I forgot they put a ban on that." She shook her head. "No...no, I am not patient. I'd love to stay like this."

He held his hand out. "I know you came with the rest of what was needed. I will keep it. I just need you to take my hand and speak your name - your REAL name - and it will never fade."

She looked him straight in the eyes and took the hand. "My name is Dawn." It felt as if she had pulled the trigger. The magic of the second spell surged through her. She, once more, felt different. Nothing had changed, however. Everything felt more solid, more real.

More permanent.

*****

August 19, 2027 One of the NYPD's mobile headquarters in the East Bronx

"Sir." The voice was alert, jostled from whatever passive rest the cop was enjoying as his sensors blinked to life. "We need to move." From behind him, another officer turned to look over his shoulder. He placed his finger on the screen, ignoring the pulsing runes that were alerting him to activity. "Same pattern of spells. It's him."

The officer smirked. "Got him this time." He turned back to his console and pulled up his radio. "All unit, converge on the following address. We've found number three on the FBI's most wanted list."

It only took them a few minutes to get rolling, and only a handful more to arrive at their destination. They were joined by multiple SWAT vans, with teams piling out and surrounding the building. They were determined: by the end of this, Ewyn would be spending the evening in a cell.

One team stacked up at the door, ready to breach...

*****

Within the chamber, a bell rang. Dawn looked upward, trying to find it. "Ewyn, what was that?"

"Oh, it's nothing. Just the police stacking up at the doors to the warehouse we rented. They're probably looking for me." He seemed so uncaring about it, something that alarmed her to no end. "A shame. I was hoping to let you rest up a little more."

"Wait..." She stepped back. "Are they going to find us? Am I going to be in trouble?"

"Oh no. Far from it, actually." He waved his hand, the door to the office within the warehouse disappearing from site. "My main area of study was Transmutation, after all, but I did have a secondary interest in the paths between places. We're not actually in the Bronx anymore. We're safe" He laughed. "Even if I was forced to keep that path open, they'd still have to get past Ghee."

"Ghee?"

"Yeah. He's from Florida."

*****

The door was breached, and SWAT members swarmed in. Every corner of that empty warehouse was quickly covered, and guns were quickly trained on the central figure. A beanbag faced an old TV, which was playing older reruns of some show from a VHS player. Atop that beanbag, in what appeared to be a poncho woven out of large, green leaves, a disheveled man watched, laughing and occasionally flipping a blueberry from the little green container he held into his mouth. He hadn't noticed them, as he was wrapped up in the adventures before him.

This did not deter the police. They moved in closer. "Hey!" the sergeant shouted, trying to not surprise the apparently homeless man. The man turned to look at them, the blueberry he had launched bouncing off his head. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh...watching Gilligan?" He waved his hand at the TV. "Enjoying my afternoon?" He rolled his eyes and grabbed another berry.

The sergeant lowered his gun, which caused several of his squad to follow in suit. "Sir, you are aware that squatting is illegal in New York City. You'll have to find a homeless shelter."

"Homeless?" The man's gaunt frame slowly rose to its feet as he stared the cop down. "I am NOT homeless. I am a Druid, and we were here well before this building got here."

"Who?"

"The trees. The animals. Nature." He gestured around. "You see any of that here?"

"Oh...right." He relaxed his posture again. "You will still have to clear out. We have evidence of a fugitive from the law hiding out in here and we need all civilians out."

The man began to rock on his heels. "First of all, you can call me Froggy. Ghee for short. Second, who are you looking for?"

"A wizard wanted by the FBI," someone from the back of the SWAT pack piped up. A dirty look was shot in their direction from the Sergeant.

"Oh! You're looking for Ewey!" Ghee laughed. "I know him. He's a good friend of mine. Likes to be left alone as he works."

Weapons were gripped. "Well, where is he?"

Ghee shrugged in a very exaggerated manner. "Somewhere in the building, making someone happy. Didn't specify where he was going, just that I needed to hang out in case some very heavily armed people came by to arrest him."

The weapons were raised once more, focused on the Druid. "So you're an accomplice."

"Oooh! Now that's a nice word. I like it. 'Accomplice'. Makes it sound like I'm helping make those people happy." He tapped his chin as he thought about it.

"Froggy, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a federal criminal. Tell us where he is." The sergeant motioned, and two SWAT members, weapons still trained on him, approached.

He smirked. "Hey officer, did I tell you where I was from?"

"Don't care Froggy. Where's Ewyn?"

The druid flashed a grin. "I'm from Florida." Within seconds, he hit the ground - but he was no longer himself. Instead, a full sized adult alligator lunged forward at on of the officers and grabbed his leg in his jaw. The cop panicked and fired at the huge beast.

The bullets ricocheted off.

*****

"By this time," Ewyn continued. "The SWAT team has busted in and met my druid friend. Likely, he's become pissed that his shows and his snack were interrupted, and has latched onto one of their legs." He walked over to another side of the room as he spoke. "He's got a couple of spells that turn that leaf poncho of his into armor that the cops would kill for, and more protections to keep him safe as he scares them off." Dawn stood there, transfixed on the sheer insanity that just spewed from the wizard's mouth. He looked at her with concern for a few moments. "Did...did I mention he's from Florida?"

"...okay, if you put it in that lens, that makes sense." She started to follow over to where he was standing. "Is he going to kill anyone?"

"Probably. The Florida Man in him has associated the police with the Healthcare industry, and there's no changing his mind." He ran his fingers slowly over the bare wall he stood at. A door slowly faded into existence. "And, boy howdy, he treats that one kid who shot the insurance CEO like a venerated saint."

She giggled a little bit. "Don't we all." She pointed at the door. "Do I just go through here?"

"Yeah. You're going to end up in a park far away from where you came in. Coming out of the bathroom, so you'll be facing the treeline and the freeway. Nobody's gonna be paying any attention, so you can just leave without fear. Head for the subway line. Doesn't matter if you head north or south; the next stations are three streets over in either direction." He handed her a scroll. "Give this to your doctor. Luckily, I know entirely too many of them and they know how to use these. By the time they're done, the government will have forgotten all about Edgar."

She took it and held it close to her. "...Ewyn, this means so much to me." She wrapped her arms around his neck, squeezing him tightly. "How can I repay you?"

"You provided me my materials. I think I'm good." He opened the door as soon as she let go. Fresher air rushed in, along with the sounds of children playing. "If you find another cracked egg that needs help coming out of their shell, please let them know about me. I do this for a reason, and until I'm taken down, I'll continue to do so." He motioned to the outdoors. "Now go. I need to go rescue the cops from a very angry meth gator."

She laughed. "Talk to you later, Ewyn the Magnificent." She stepped out into the park and looked around. Behind her, as he had said, she had left a rather grimy, dingy public bathroom. She looked out towards the street. Old, green wooden benches lined the edge of the park, where parents watched their kids play in the mushroom-shaped sprinklers. She smiled and ran a hand through her hair.

It felt right.

[micahweil]

little german boy: und platenpüssen?

perry: *puts his hat on*

little german boy: oh mein gotten! perry ze platenpüssen!!

[micahweil]

sometimes i get bored and

[micahweil]

This...is the greatest moment of my life.

the kobolds have come together and made a delicious meal and you are invited over for dinner

[micahweil]

You’re an ancient Greek man coming home from 4 months of war to find your wife 3 months pregnant. Now you’ve embarked on a solemn quest: to punch Zeus in the face.

[micahweil]

hey netizens! i'm not sure how many people are aware, but youtube's been slowly rolling out a new anti-adblock policy that can't be bypassed with the usual software like uBlock Origin and Pi-Hole out of the gate

BUT, if you're a uBlock Origin user (or use an adblocker with a similar cosmetics modifier), you can add these commands in the uBlock dashboard to get rid of it!

youtube.com##+js(set, yt.config_.openPopupConfig.supportedPopups.adBlockMessageViewModel, false) youtube.com##+js(set, Object.prototype.adBlocksFound, 0) youtube.com##+js(set, ytplayer.config.args.raw_player_response.adPlacements, []) youtube.com##+js(set, Object.prototype.hasAllowedInstreamAd, true)

reblog to help keep the internet less annoying and to tell corporations that try shit like this to go fuck themselves <3

[micahweil]

Some people might wonder why one is censored and the other isn't.

Remember that the Hulk is a mutated human, while Thor has ass-guardian physiology.

[micahweil]

[micahweil]

Once a month, he held open court. Citizens could come in to address him with their concerns, which he would rule on. It also served to calibrate his knowledge of the colors. He could see what concerns were amongst what groups, and help determine who he needed to be watched until the next month. With so many representatives present, open court was beautiful.

Things had been going smoothly, and he had seen the usual suspects. It appeared that anyone bathed in green would be the ones to watch out for. He turned to the guard and motioned for the next petitioner. The opened the doors, and he was given quite a shock.

A small child walked in, bathed in a color he had never seen on anyone before. The child walked down the carpet, looking meek but confident as he approached the king. "Two stools," the monarch stated as he got to his feet. They were quickly brought forth, and the monarch and child sat across from each other. "Hello young lad," the king said, speaking with a gentle manner, yet loud enough to be heard by all. "What brings you before me today?"

The child sat up a little bit. "Momma said that I should not slouch before the king," he said. "It's hard to do on a stool."

"That is okay, my boy," the king reassured him.

"She also said that you listen to requests during open court."

"That I do."

He looked away, his facade of bravery starting to melt away. "We live in a small hut out in the fields. The weather's been bad, and my Momma and sisters keep getting sick." He looked up again. "A lot of our neighbors are getting sick too."

The king nodded as he listened. "Tell me about these huts."

"They're nothing special. Wood we found in the forest, hay for ceilings, dirt floors..." He looked up. "I think it's because the huts are so simple that we're getting sick. I've been to the city, and I see all these houses made of stronger stuff. Wood, stone...I bet they have nice floors, too."

An advisor cleared his throat, as if to indicate that the child would need to be ushered out soon. The king dismissed him with a wave of a hand. "What makes you think that?"

"When the night comes, or during winter, the floor is so cold. With the bad weather, it's been cold a lot." The child bowed his head. "King, you are rich and wise. Can you spare some materials to help us out in the fields build new homes so we don't get sick?"

The king's heart ached. This child was brave enough to ask that the peasants who tended the fields be given the same dignities for housing as the city's citizens. He looked up at the gathered masses.

Most of the sea of observers and petitioners had changed colors to match this young boy, the only exceptions being the aristocrats and, unsurprisingly, the advisor that had indicated he wanted to be rid of the child. The king smiled and stood up, addressing those gathered. "In our kingdom, we have craftsmen. We have merchants. We have cooks, entrepreneurs, and clergy. All of whom are fed and supplied by the peasantry. There is absolutely no reason they need to live in dirt floor huts and get sick. Sick peasants will lead to reduced food, reduced supply, and a bad economy." He reached down to the boy with his hand. "Stand, young man." The boy reached up and took the offered hand, rising to his feet. "I will have a guard and a doctor escort you home. You tell your friends and family that the King will honor this request. We will build houses for everyone to live in. We will treat the sick. We will protect you, for you are our people, too."

The boy's eyes lit up. "Thank you, your majesty!" He bowed his head again. One of the guard came up to escort the boy out, amidst the cheering coming from those gathered.

"You can't be serious, my liege," the advisor said as soon as he reached the king's side. "They're...peasants."

"They're people." He turned to glower down at this advisor. "And for comments such as that, you will be helping with the construction. Doing the actual work, not just observing or guiding. Do I make myself clear?"

"...yes, my liege." The King nodded and went to sit back on his throne, ready to talk to the next person. He looked at the advisor once more and frowned.

He was now gray, something the King knew was going to be trouble.

The king has the ability to see team colors. Everyone who’s working towards the same goal as a group appears to be wearing the same color, regardless of what color their clothes actually are. This makes conspiring against him really, really hard.

[micahweil]

One of the delegates from a neighboring kingdom wanted to meet you discretely to talk, ask questions, and (as you surmised) find out why. You knew the perfect place, and the perfect people to help. So, you and your required retinue met them and their escorts at your favorite hangout.

There was tension on all sides of this meeting as you were sat down at a large table by the tavern's owner. The visitors were tense, worried that their kingdom's policy of subjugation and extermination would get them harmed. The regulars and most of the wait staff were standoffish, knowing this policy and worried that this meeting was a ploy to get close so they could attack. Your guards were wary, knowing that the visitors had agreed to be civil, yet ready to stop them if they tried anything. If this were anywhere else, the atmosphere would have been too heavy to get anything done.

If it were not for Tuk. She was a kobold that you, once upon a time, sponsored. These days, she ran her tavern and her general store, both of which you happily invest in. She was a beacon of irrepressible sunshine and happiness, and it rubbed off on everyone she interacted with. More importantly, she was more than happy to meet any of your "friends" that you brought in.

She seated everyone at the table and quickly shuffled out some menus. While your guests ended up with standard fare that humans could tolerate, everyone on your side of the table got something different to meet their needs. Yaris, your gnoll body guard, was given a simple menu of what kinds of meat they had today. Zusiss, your advisor, was given a list of criminals due for execution, so the mind flayer was not left out. Even your sherriff, a mighty orc simply named Garak, was given a list of meals suited for his unique physiology.

This seemed to amuse your guests (save for the criminal list). "She seems rather...thorough," the delegate, a young woman by the name of Hanna, remarked. "I didn't think that there would be so many different menus."

"You've walked through our streets," Garak responded. "You've seen the wide variety of races that wander our city. Tuk's the only one that decides to cater to everyone." He leaned back and looked at the bar, where another orc waved to him. "It likely helps that she's in the middle of the market."

"She is a shrewd business-kobold," you added as you looked over the menu. "She'll grow on you. Trust me."

"Indeed." She looked over at Zusiss. "Though, I am unsure of how I feel about criminals being fed to-"

"It solves a lot of problems," Zu interrupted. "It deters crime, it keeps my people healthy, and it saves the nastiness of public executions." He put the list down. "Though, our people have adapted to other cuisines in times of low crime. The bandit hunts are fun, though."

Tuk had returned with a couple of mugs and a glass of wine for you. "Drinks for favorite customers!" she chirped happily. She scampered over to the visiting dignitaries and smiled to them. "What would new friends like to drink?"

"Ah...ales will be fine," Hanna responded.

"Human, goblin, or troll? Tuk not recommend troll for first timers. Goblin ale is sweeter than most. Use local berries alongside hops." You smirked, amused as two of their party requested to try the goblin ale. The tip of her tail twitched as she went to the bar to fetch the drinks.

"You were not kidding in your letters when you said she exudes cheer," Hanna said, watching the tiny lizard leave them. "You said you sponsored her?"

"She was one of the first of the races to be granted citizenship in our kingdom," you explained. "A couple of her clan came by to visit one day, saw how she was doing, and liked it. The entire clan were citizens within a season. Then the goblins wanted in on it. Pretty soon-"

You were interrupted by a hulking figure approaching your table. It was one of the minotaurs that lived within the city walls, who spoke for the rest. He snorted and handed you a piece of paper. "I understand you are busy," he rumbled. "But my chieftain asked me to deliver this to you as soon as possible, as well as to see who had come to visit." He turned to Hanna and bowed his head. "Welcome to the city. We request you come visit our stalls in the market, see our crafts, and maybe take something home with you." Hanna returned the bowed head, and the large beast left.

"Well well," Yaris said. "It seems you've been looked upon favorably. The minotaur don't usually make a point to send someone to meet visitors."

"I will take your word for it," Hanna responded, eyes watching the envoy leave. Tuk returned with the drinks and a pad of paper to take everyone's order. Once she had everything (Zu had elected for some cooked potatoes and cheese, as to avoid upsetting their guests), she disappeared again. "I...never knew what to expect when I was sent here. This is...remarkable."

"All because, instead of fighting over resources and being discriminatory, we chose to co-exist," you stated. "Nobody gets pigeon-holed because of what their race is known for. They pursue their lives like any human would."

"So...goblin scholars?" You nodded. "Minotaur craftsmen, obviously. Orc..."

She looked to Garak, who smirked. "I'll take you to meet the weavers."

She nodded and looked at Yaris. "And I hope I'm not being offensive in my statement, but I never knew a gnoll could...clean up so nicely like Mr. Yaris here."

"Oh, no offense at all! I get it all the time." A bit of a breeze kicked up as his large tail began to sway from the compliment. "It's nice to hear."

She smiled and turned back to you. "We will be here for a few days before reporting back to our kingdom. I...get the feeling we'll be learning a lot during our visit."

"Take all the time you need," Zu added. "You will find everyone more than happy to tell you about their people. For example..."

You picked up your glass of wine and sighed. Zusess was about to go on one of his long winded stories about his brother, one of the academy's "brightest minds" who was totally not outclassed by a goblin named Buttons. You took a sip and smiled.

Tuk's clan made some of the best wine.

Your small, otherwise unimpressive, kingdom is suddenly one of the strongest powers in the land. This is due to the sole reason that, unlike other rulers, you’re happy to work with the local orcs, goblins, dragons, and several other races that are usually attacked on sight.

[micahweil]

After a cloudquake wakes George in the middle of the night, he hops onto the social media platform Twiddor in search of information. Unfortunately, instead of emergency services, all George can find are scam accounts and bots posing as the Billings news media to sell cryptocurrency. The strange part is, these are all verified accounts with an official blue checkmark.

George soon discovers that Elon Mork, the head of Twiddor, has eliminated all verified checkmarks and installed a program called Twiddor Blue, providing verification to anyone who pays for it. This chaos has prompted many to start banning every blue checkmark account they see, and George quickly joins in.

But things get strange when a crying dinosaur comes knocking on George’s door in the dead of night. It’s Elon Mork, and he’s begging George to like him.

This important tale is 4,200 words of a needy T-Rex billionaire grappling with the fact that he’s a loser and nobody likes him. There is no sex, but there is plenty of satisfying catharsis.

----

new tingler NOT POUNDED BY TWIDDOR CHECKMARKS BECAUSE I BLOCKED EVERY PERSON WHO HAS ONE, DESPITE ELON MORK STANDING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT CRYING AND BEGGING ME TO JOIN TWIDDOR BLUE out now on amazon or patreon

[micahweil]

Time had passed. The Olympian gods had fallen out of favor, save for a few pockets of humanity that still worshiped them in lieu of the other Gods that had taken their place. The seat of power for the ancient world had turned into a spa and resort for the pantheon, complete with all the modern amenities that had come about. Hera had become addicted to Instagram, Zeus was extremely unpopular on Tinder, and Ares...

Well, the less said about Ares' toxic behavior on League, the better.

For the most part, things had been pretty peaceful up on Olympus. Then came the day that Hermes returned early from his jog. He was out of breath and clearly panicked.

"Hermes, dear," Hera said, pulling her attention away from her phone. "Are you okay?" He shook his head, still panting. This caused most of the resort dwellers to stop what they were doing and approach. "Hermes, take a deep breath, and tell me what's going on."

It took him a moment to gather himself. "I come with a message from Hades," he blurted. "There's been an escape. They're coming to Olympus."

"Wait," Zeus said. "A mortal got out of Hades' domain?"

"Yeah. Saw the damage myself. Ripped the Underworld's gates clean off the hinges and choked Cerberus out. I'm telling you, he's RIPPED."

There was a muttering of panic amongst the gods. "Well," Zeus demanded. "Who is it?"

Hermes looked up at him, a wide smile on his face, like he had been practicing what he was about to say the entire way back from the Underworld. "By Zeus, it's Sisyphus..."

"ZEUS!" The voice echoed from down the stairway to Olympus. Everyone went and looked over the side. Indeed, approaching the summit, bulging with ages worth of exercise from pushing a boulder up a hill, was the mortal known as Sisyphus. Several of the gods began to mutter. Was he armed? They turned back to Hermes.

"...and he has a steel chair."

Sisyphus has finally had enough. He lifts the boulder over his shoulders and hucks it effortlessly down the mountainside, before setting off in search of Zeus. After all, he’s been building muscle all these millennia, and it’s about time for a rematch.

[micahweil]

By this point, a crowd had gathered at my fence. A sea of masks were watching as I went ham on the construction (all stolen, of course. It was Purge Day, after all). There was an inaudible hum of absolute confusion, but I chose to ignore it. This extension was going to be my goddamn game room, and I would NOT be stopped.

At least, I think, until they voted for someone to speak up. "Um...excuse me," the voice came from the crowd. "What are you doing?"

"Building an extension," I said. The voice gave you an excuse to pause for a moment to catch your breath.

"Okay...but why today, of all days? Aren't you afraid of getting...you know...murdered?"

"Oh, I am aware of that very real possibility." I twirled your hammer and put it in my work belt, then leaned on one of the support beams. "I am, however, not going to pass up this opportunity to get this done."

"...wait, what? Why couldn't you build this any other day of the year?"

I laughed. "Because those fuck-nuggets at city hall have made it a point to deny me this extension every single time I apply for it. I've wasted more money being told by that planning committee to go fuck myself than I would have paid in fines for just doing it."

From the back of the crowd, a second voice chimed in. "Oh! I get it! They can't get you if you get everything done today!"

I pointed at them with a pair of finger guns. "Exactly! All crime is legal, not just the violent ones!" There was a murmur among the crowd. "Now, I know you guys have other business to attend to, and I only have a bunch of hours left to get this done. May I?"

There were more mutters of agreement as the crowd began to break up. A bunch, however, stuck around. "Hey, you need help?"

"I'd definitely appreciate it. It'd also be a way to get in once I'm done."

"Wait, what's it going to be?"

"Game room. I plan on setting up an area with arcade machines, as well as a table for card games, board games, D&D..."

"Wait, and those fuckers were denying you the permits for this?" That voice whistled, which brought some of the dispersing folks' attention back to him. "Yo, go find those board members and take out tonight on them." There were whistles and cheers, followed by those folks rushing away. There was a second whistle. "And someone go to Best buy and loot a couple of those 1-up arcade cabinets. We're getting a head start." The remaining group put their weapons down and hopped the fence. "Just tell us what you need us to do."

"Fantastic! Who's an electrician?"

Purge Day ended soon enough. I treated the group to breakfast, as well as the folks that had come back after doing their dirty deeds. It was only fair; they were actually a lovely group, once I got to talk to them.

While they ate, I turned on the radio and listened to the news. They announced that there would be emergency elections soon to elect a new city council. It seems they all got wiped out, including the ones on the planning committee.

"Serves them right," I muttered as I sipped at my coffee.

The Purge Day is coming, where all crimes are legal for only 24 hours, I’ll finally install that extension to my loft without ANY planning permission

[micahweil]

He seemed a bit confused when your eyes lit up. He was, after all, Satan. He knew the ins and outs of games, and rarely, if ever, lost. Mortal souls would tremble at the offer, and would despair when they lost. Not you, though. You seemed...positively giddy. "Mortal, why are you so excited?"

Tears were forming in the corners of your eyes. "You really mean I get to choose?" He nodded, still wary of what was going through your head. "We'll need two others, then."

"Two...others? Why?"

"The game I have in mind is best played with four players." Hell itself seemed to react and the box for the board game started to take form. "I spent decades of my life trying to find three other people who wanted to play. Nobody ever did. Now, you're letting me pick? I don't care if I lose and I'm stuck down here forever. I am going to play this game at least once."

"Very well, mortal. It should be a trivial matter, then. What game did you have in mind?" The box finished forming and the cover came into focus. It was a vibrant scene, woodlands and critters in a very stylized art direction. In fancy letters, taking up the entire middle, was a single word: "Root".

You looked up at him. "You're absolutely positive that you want me to pick the game?"

Satan nodded. "A deal is a deal. This happens to be one of my favorite." He pulled a phone from his pocket and dialed. "Hey, Carol. Yeah, it's Big Red. Say, could you have the demons bring souls 432 and 768 from block triple-alpha, delta, delta, omicron, beta-bagel to the game room? Yeah, we actually got a soul that wants to play Root, and lord knows we have to force people to play it down here." He paused for a second. "Well, I don't care, Carol. This is Hell. They don't get a fucking choice!" He hung up and smiled to you. "They were forced to play the last time I had an itch and were trying to claim that meant they got out of it for the next time."

"What did they expect? This is Hell. It's supposed to be unfair and torturous, right?" His smile got wider.

He guided you to the game room, where a table had been set up and the two souls strapped to their chairs. He set everything up himself, went over the rules as a refresher, and the game proceeded. It was a vicious battle, and you could tell the other souls weren't into it. It was basically just you and Satan. In the last minutes, you played a trick you had been saving and managed to outwit Satan. In the end, you had won, and Heaven was your reward.

"Well done, Mortal," Satan said, clearly having enjoyed himself. "It's been a long while since anyone played that game seriously. As promised, I will send you to Heaven."

You got up from your chair and offered your hand to him. "Thanks, Satan. Though, I do have a request that you do not have to honor."

"Odd, but I am willing to hear you out."

"Next time you want to play, don't hesitate to invite me."

His eyes lit up, not with brimstone, but with happiness. "I will put in the forms with Heaven, but you my friend, have yourself a deal." He took your hand and gave it a shake.

Odd, you thought to yourself. His hand was a lot softer and cooler than you expected.

You go to hell, but Satan tells you he’ll send you to heaven if you can beat him in one game of your choice.

[micahweil]

...of course it's a gnome...

The wizard in your party only knows one spell. It’s effective, but even the assassin feels bad about it.

[micahweil]

CW: Self-harm out of frustration. Unions don't like to be fucked with, even when it's not your fault. "You look exhausted." That was Gary for you: Captain Obvious. Both literally and figuratively, since he gave that one ad exec from that travel website the idea. You looked up at him, shooting him a dirty look, before returning your face to the table you were resting at. "S'wrong buddy?"

"Legal got back to me. They can't find a way out of the contract. I'm..." The words stuck in your throat; you were quite unhappy with it. "...stuck with her."

Gary winced. "Three years old, huh?" He pulled up a chair and sat down across from you. "What'd she do this time?"

"House!" You tossed the "several sizes too small" bonnet on the table. "Guess who was forced to eat green Play-doh and had to pretend it was mushy peas!" You shuddered. "That stuff is saltier than the circle dedicated to the internet trolls!"

"...I'll pass that on to the overlord for that ring." He reached over and patted your shoulder. "It can't be that bad, can it?"

"The Monsters Union is PISSED at me, Gary! The UNION wants my hide!" You dug your arguably sharp claws into your own scalp. "Do you know how hard we fought to get those contracts? Legal's doing backflips to keep them from quitting AND making sure they don't demand my hide in re-negotiations!" You whimpered. "No bonus this year."

"Look, it's not your fault. They found the guy who did it and he's being sufficiently punished."

"Is HE being fed to the Monsters Union?"

"Worse. You know the Orange Guy? The one that caused our numbers to spike a couple of years back?" You nodded meekly. "Well, guess who's going to have a personal assistant when he gets down here."

That was a little bit of a relief, at least. "That still doesn't help the fact that I am beholden to a small, human child until she gets bored of me or we find a way to get out of this-" You were interrupted by your watch going off. You looked at it and groaned. "Goddammit..."

"What's wrong?"

"Tea time." You got up and brushed yourself off. "Off to go sit at a tiny table, drinking nothing from tiny tea cups, and chatting with Mrs. Bearington."

"Mrs. Bearington?"

"Her stuffed hippo." You turned to face the portal that was forming behind you and readied yourself to go. Your watched beeped one more time. You looked at it once more.

"I am NOT damning anything because you ask. You're doing good work. -God."

Due to a paperwork filing error you, a terrifying demonic creature, are now trapped in contract with a small little girl. She is constantly summoning you to play tag, check for monsters in the closet, look at her drawings… It’s truly torture.