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[miredinmiddleearth]

A Lord of the Rings blessing for the new year.

[miredinmiddleearth]

I can’t believe I haven’t done this before.

[miredinmiddleearth]

We interrupt your regular fandom-mixing blog for an actual book-related post. 

[miredinmiddleearth]

One final Rings of Power rant, then I put this away

I’m not an angry person. I know that’s laughable given my rants of late,😂 but I swear I’m not. 

I have this policy that I don’t waste anger on stuff that doesn’t matter, that I don’t truly care about. So before I put this show to rest, I want to defend why I think I SHOULD get angry with this show, and why others should, too.

I am angry because I am not a mindless troll. I am not a prejudiced bigot who is looking to join a torch-toting mob of hate, despite the fact that every article covering this show will swear that I am. All negative criticism is flung by the wayside and dismissed in an effort to keep afloat a bloated ship peddling steaming manure, and that makes me angry. 

I am angry because an artist I love has had his work mutilated. Not just in form but in spirit.

Let me put it this way: I feel like I have watched a hack of a sculptor buy the statue of David. He takes it home and decides he just wants David’s head, so he breaks it off. He sticks it on a body he’s carved out of limestone, melding the two with glue and bolts twisted into the marble. He tries to make the neck flow into the body of a different material, but the lines are painfully obvious. Also, he’s not a fan of David’s hair, so he chisels away the intricate curls and throws a hat on top.

This is what I feel like I have witnessed, and it makes me want to weep. Tolkien is not only unable to defend his own work, but he EXPLICITLY made his opinions known about adaptations of it. I hate the ruination of beauty. I hate waste, especially waste of potential. And most of all, I hate the evil that this show represents - the evil of greed and corruption and selfishness.

This is why I am angry. 

All done ranting. Thank you for letting me purge myself of all this rare anger. 

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 8 Review - A rant fit for a finale

 Ready for my final rant? I shan’t hold back. The show sure didn’t! Here are my thoughts on episode eight:

1. Starting with a bang. Gandalf is Sauron red herring. Believed it for exactly...no seconds.

2. Slow-mo hits a little different when Halbrand’s limp body is slow-mo bouncing on a horse.

3. Pretty sure the three elven rings were made last? And positive they were made in SECRET. AFTER they suspected Sauron was messing with the rings already. And I KNOW the three elven rings were untouched by Sauron. But oh look. Sauron’s going around touching stuff. Literally picks up the mithril that will make the rings.

4. See, Halbrand’s line about giving “a gift” is okay subtlety! One of Sauron’s names meant “giver of gifts.” Plant the seeds slowly. Show him working his way gradually into becoming friends with the elves, then maybe trusted to play around in the forge, then helping make rings for the dwarves, then suspected, then -

No? We’re going to skip all that and immediately suspect him? Awesome.

5. And of COURSE Nancy Galadriel Drew has to be the one to crack the case. She has no reason to suspect Halbrand! He says one thing that Adar says, and he’s immediately a villain to her. Girl, remind me never to be your ally. You are more fickle than a squirrel trying to cross the road.

6. Oh good lord. We have time to shoe-horn Elendil’s daughter into all this?

7. Aaaaaaaaaaand now Sauron’s helping with the actual forging of the three elven rings. So much for unsullied by Sauron’s hand!

8. Elrond talking about how quickly they’re making the rings: “Three weeks for a labor that could take three centuries.” 

I don’t know if they’re making fun of us with this, but yes, all this SHOULD take three centuries. Three weeks? We’re seriously going to do the forging of the rings in PART of ONE EPISODE?!

9. HUZZAH! HARFOOT DEATH!

10. The three witchy ladies talk about Gandalf by saying “He is the other. The Istar.” THE other? As if it’s just Sauron v. Gandalf. And *gasp* This guy is Gandalf?! Who would have guessed?!

11. Because Gandalf spoke to that moth in the movies, he’s mothman now?

12. They’re really going to end the season with the lie that Isildur is dead?

13. The Sauron reveal. Okay, buckle up.

So Galadriel gets suspicious and SUPER mad at Halbrand when she discovers he’s not king of the Southlands. Problem is, SHE is the one who insisted that that was his identity! SHE was the one who told all of the Numenoreans that he was king! SHE was the one who poked and prodded him to take up that title! This reveal has no weight for many reasons, one of them being it is a lie GALADRIEL CREATED AND PERPETUATED. 

Then we get the reveal, and man oh man. One vague accusation, and they have Sauron go completely mask-off and smile like an over-the-top villain. All he’s missing is a mustache. Where is the master manipulator?! He could EASILY twist her suspicions. 

Then Sauron proceeds to point out fact after fact after fact. Ultimately, Galadriel is the reason Sauron is a villain again. Kill me. Gone is Galadriel the hero. In her place is now a woman with a guilty conscience trying to clean up the massive mess she made.

THEN, the temptation scene. Some cool visuals of the reflections in the water, but why does Galadriel’s temptation have to be tied to her romantic attractions. She can’t be tempted by power for its own sake? She has to be lured in by a sexy face and a soft lilt to the voice? Which, fine...if we didn’t already know her as someone who consistently throughout Tolkien is drawn to the idea of power without the need for all that. 

I’m so over these showrunners who constantly bragged about their strong female characters. You have single-handedly stripped this goddess of a character to be a sniveling, obnoxious, self-righteous piece of cardboard who has every single step of her journey defined by the men that surround her. Now, as the final insult, you make her quest to save Middle-Earth tied to her sexuality and a made-up guilt rooted in creating the very monster that will nearly destroy everything in the world. I. HATE. THIS. SHOW!!!!!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Sauron’s final threat is to remind Galadriel that he lives because of her. She replies, “And you will die because of me.” This is her promise. SHE will be responsible for Sauron’s defeat. Not only have you diminished Galadriel, you are now diminishing the ring-bearers who actually bring about Sauron’s demise. THEY’RE LESSENING THE HEROISM OF FRODO AND SAM!!!!!! You come for Sam and Frodo, YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Let’s get back to the stupid elven rings thing.

14. Elrond says the rings must be untouched by hands other than elves’. Look at that. Even the show insists the three rings shouldn’t be touched by Sauron. The show that just showed him touching them five minutes ago. 

15. The Harfoot goodbye takes FOREVER. 

16. “Always follow your nose.” Good. Freaking. Grief. See, in another show, I might have been delighted with this line. I might have smiled with glee and cried, “Gandalf!” But no. That which is beautiful is soured by the foul fingers of these greedy, talentless showrunners.

17. I’m so confused by the picking and choosing. So in some ways they try to match the Jackson aesthetic (Balrog, basic elven and hobbit design, Sauron armor, etc.). Then they go and totally ignore it in others, specifically the design of the three rings. 

18. I still can’t believe they showed their hand. Their two big mysteries: Sauron and Gandalf, and they revealed both in a single episode and in the first season. AND they forged the three rings.

19. P.S. I hate the credits song.

20. Random things of note: Lol, no balrog. No Theo and fam, thank goodness. No Isildur? 

I hate it all, but at last, it. is. DONE.

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 7 Review - RIP

I’ve made it this far...Buckle up, mellon. Time for my thoughts on episode seven:

1. Dang. Everyone survived. Whelp, except that guy whose name I neither remember nor care to remember.

2. Wait, they SURVIVED?! Heat alone would do the trick, but pretending they survive the heat, that’s not snow they’re walking through! The ash would finish off anyone left! Look, LotR doesn’t have the best history with believability when it comes to volcanoes, but Rings of Power keeps professing it is meant to feel grittier and more realistic. So much for that, I guess.

3. The scene where Durin begs his father to help Elrond is actually poignant...and it makes me angry. Here’s why -

Lore/book reason the dwarves awake a Balrog: they were too greedy and dug too deep.

RoP reason the dwarves awake a Balrog: Durin is desperate to help his friend.

Writers, do you not see how thematically misaligned and stupid you are being?!

4. So now we know how the mithril cures the darkness. Apparently you just sit beside it. Wait, that begs the question, why do you even need to mine for mithril? Couldn’t the elves just book a mithril session and hang out int he caves for a bit? Totally cured.

5. Miss Pro-Genocide Galadriel gives a lecture on goodness and letting go of revenge. HA. That’s rich! Have we seen literally any evidence of a mind-change or reason she grew between the last episode and this one? Psh, no. Why would we need such a thing? 

6. I actually found the scene where Miriel realizes she’s been blinded quite decent, as well! Amazing! In an ACTUAL display of strength (not whatever fake nonsense we’ve seen the women display prior), Miriel must maintain composure and pretend she can see so she can be strong for her people. They actually did something good? 

Don’t make me laugh. The next time we see her, she’s wearing a blindfold, not hiding her blindness in ANY way. Apparently she only needed to fake being strong for a short horse ride.

7. When the heck did they have time to set up camp? At least the show is consistent. They’ll always fail to include what’s actually relevant. 

8. Apparently we need to waste time worrying that Isildur, the incredibly vital character from later tales, is dead. Great use of time. Proof upon proof upon proof of the ineptitude of the writers.

9. Galadriel finally said her brother’s name! Her primary motivation, and it only took 7 episodes for his name to get dropped.

10. Celeborn DEAD?! They had me going for a second. But no. Clearly gotta come back (Galadriel says he went away to war and never returned). Still, super stupid. Brother motivates her but apparently couldn’t care less about her hubby. Also, she met Celeborn because he came upon her dancing? Seriously? You couldn’t give them their own meet cure? You had to steal Luthien and Beren’s?

11. Durin is going to mine all the mithril by himself? Great plan, dude.

12. So are we supposed to dislike the dwarf king? Because I don’t dislike him. Mining mithril is not safe. Period.

13. Cool burning of harfoot carts, but unclear how many perished. Unfortunately, I think they all survived. Alas.

14. SIgh. Bronwyn survived, too. Also, watching her fling her arms around her son’s neck reminds me that she was shot through the shoulder the day before. Healed up nice and dandy, apparently. Also, she’s awfully clean for someone that went through a volcanic blast.

15. I laughed the hardest I’ve ever laughed in this show when Nori’s dad gives his brethren a pep talk. He says the harfoots, better than anyone else, “stay true to each other.” I CACKLED. Harfoots stick together? The same harfoots who wanted to leave you behind. Who wanted to take off your wheels and leave you to die. Who didn’t offer a single ounce of assistance when you were injured. THOSE harfoots?! (The laughter continued when harfoot who proposed murder is declared “always right.”)

16. Halbrand survives to show his pretty face another day. HIs wound is infected and he must be gotten to the elves!

Oh wait, he’s fine. Walking around like the wound is nothing. No? He still needs immediate aid that will require a very long horseride? Okay...

17. I know they’re shooting for Disa sounding inspirational and supportive of her husband, but to me she just sounds straight up evil in that speech at the end? SHE sounds greedy and possessive and manipulative. Definitely don’t think that’s what they were going for...

18. Ah. She we’re not just changing greedy dwarvish motivations to helping a friend, we’re adding that a leaf woke the Balrog. What is this, Kung Fu Panda?

19. The introduction of Mordor’s name made me roll my eyes.

Just one episode left. Just one. The end is in sight. (Yes, I know they’ve started filming season 2).

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 6 Review - All Sense of Sanity Has Departed

I swear I wasn’t going to watch another episode. I even planned a hangout with friends so I’d have a reason not to. What I hadn’t accounted for was the fact they knew about my reviews, and they wanted to watch the next episode with me, specifically to laugh at my misery. My friends are so cruel. 

So here are my thoughts on episode six:

1. There are so many speeches to crowds in this series meant to get people riled up. One, they’re kind of boring and forgettable. Two, even the orcs get one? Goody.

2. The group of humans magically transport far from the watchtower to safety without being attacked by orcs. And they don’t keep running away?! Oh no. They want to defend their village. Fine. 

But then Arondir says, “Our position gives us an advantage,” meaning the village is the advantage. I’m sorry, what? Tiny village in the middle of an open valley? Amazing tactical advantage. These villagers are idiots.

3. I’m so tired of the writers taking pieces of lines from Tolkien and twisting them into something that just doesn’t hit the same. That’s not paying homage. They’re stealing and mutilating. 

4. Oh yes. I care so much about a romance between two people who combined have as much personality and character motivation as a carrot. 

5. Dang! This episode went full-on gore.

6. They did the Galadriel beating the guards thing all over again. Start a battle with impossible odds, cut away to something else (in this case, Arondir and giant orc), cut back when it’s all over, because showing the actual fighting would be too unbelievable. And yeah, I STILL don’t buy their initial victory. 

7. Man I was so disappointed Bronwyn didn’t die. On another note, their method of saving her is to remove the arrow, shove some seeds into the wound, then cauterize it? I have absolutely no clue why the seeds are necessary. What am I missing?

8. So the Numenorean cavalry has arrived in the Southlands and is rushing at full speed toward tiny village. Let me ask one more time, HOW DO THEY KNOW THE VILLAGE NEEDS HELP?!

Seriously, I want to know! Let’s recap. Galadriel gets sent away when all is calm and the elves are literally about to leave the south because it is so peaceful. She gets taken to Numenor and convinces them evil is returning without proof. Without sending a single scout or having ANY communication with the mainland (that I remember), they just take their whole cavalry to save the people who must surely be dying. All 30 of them in this tiny town in the middle of nowhere. 

9. Galadriel looks less and less like an elf every episode.

10. Adar IS something of an orc! Sweet!

11. So they’re making Galadriel out to be pretty much evil (straight up murderous and maybe genocidal?!). I understand the want for character arcs and growth, but this feels a bit extreme. You can start a character from a dark place without turning them into a full-on villain.

12. Celeborn, come save your love from whatever is happening between Galadriel and Halbrand!! Like, I get it. I could fall for Halbrand’s face. But if this is Sauron, the implications are AWFUL. Galadriel goes from being a strong, heroic woman who chooses to fight for good for its own sake to a spurned girlfriend who has a beef with her ex.

13. More impressive than Bronwyn’s recovery is the fact that Arondir leads her around by holding her injured arm. Excellent nursing, dude.

14. Ohhhhhhhhh nooooooooooo. THE ENDING. The moment of ultimate idiocy. Are you ready?

MOUNT DOOM HAS AN ON SWITCH.

Oh but wait. It doesn’t just have an on switch. Mount Doom gets activated by WATER.

Insanity of all of that aside, at no point is the moment foreshadowed, which is such a shame! No lingering shots of a mountain in the distance or panning away to the mountain with a sense of foreboding. Nothing. Mountain just explodes because some water fell in the lava.

Sorry, I can’t believe Mount Doom has an on switch. 

15. If the end isn’t a vision, I have so many problems with what’s happening. If the ending is a vision, I have so many problems with what’s happening. A sign of truly great writing.

Final thought: Something finally happened! Stupid something, but something! It took, what, six hours?

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 5 Review - Slowly Losing My Mind

I don’t know if I can keep going. This show has broken me. Here are my thoughts on episode five:

1. Harfoot explains about migrating from place to place, eating food they didn’t plant or nurture or stick around to care for. Gosh, can’t put my finger on why that sounds familiar...Almost like a certain company...

2. Creepy people in white from the trailer are finally here! For exactly thirty seconds and zero purpose.

3. Prediction: Adar (aka orc elf) is related to Gil-galad somehow. Same squiggle armor is worn by both.

4. Summary of my feelings on the middle of the episode: Don’t care. Don’t care. Sloppy. Boring. Dumb. I’d break these thoughts down by scene and characters, but that requires effort, and why should I put in any effort when the show doesn’t, either?

5. The guttural, exhausted noise I made when I realized they were going to have Galadriel spar with the Numenorean cadets. There’s time for this? Also, she steps in to “teach” the cadets how to kill an orc. I am not kidding when I say her lesson is...stab it. That’s it. Stab the orc. Brilliant advice, Galadriel. Really wouldn’t have thought of that. 

Then we proceed to watch a terribly choreographed, slow sword fight so Galadriel can look like she’s cool or something? Definitely doesn’t work.

6. Oh good, show that brags about feminism and championing women uses women as set dressing during the table scene. We can’t just have a table of men. We need women at the table. They need character names? Lines of dialogue? Nah. Just sit them at the table.

7. Just when you think the show couldn’t get any dumber, they hereby present to you - Mithril: An Amazon Original Origin Story. Featuring made up Silmaril lore, a balrog, an unnamed elf, a tree, and an accidental lightning strike.

8. Guys. It hurts. The Gil-galad conversation with Elrond goes to places that are too stupid for words. Contradictions galore, mixed up and messed up character motivations, and inventions that totally destroy whatever direction the world could go. Prepare for the stupid:

In this show, the process of elves dwindling has just begun. Why? Don’t ask questions. But boy oh boy, the solution. Apparently their goal is to get as much mithril as possible and “saturate” the elves. I AM NOT JOKING.

What are they going to do? Gather the elves into a circle and rub mithril on their skin? Go to a mithril spa? Shoot a laser beam through a mithril shard at a crowd of all the elves? WHY DOES MITHRIL NEED A BACKSTORY OR SUCH A PURPOSE? WHY IS IT SUDDENLY THE ROOT OF ELVEN IMMORTALITY AND SALVATION THEWERHUWIEFHBALHUIQZ GAH.

ALSO. Let’s remember that this show is largely about the fall of Numenor. In case you didn’t know, Numenor falls because its people grow so desperate for immortality that they seek it in Valinor, and are thus punished in the most extreme way possible. I guess they should have just mined some mithril!

9. Elrond makes a giant deal of not breaking his oath to Durin about keeping mithril a secret, as he should. Then he proceeds to give Celebrimbor the mithril shard and doesn’t count that as breaking his oath. How does this make sense?

10. Two ships get blown up (gosh, don’t get me started on the extreme lack of character motivations),  and Numenor has three ships left. Wait wait wait. Numenor. Greatest naval force ever. Island nation. Has five ships TOTAL? 

11. Emotional moment between Galadriel and Halbrand not earned. Blah blah blah. I’m terrible at leading. I’m annoying. Yeah we know. We see it literally in every scene you’re in.

12. Absolutely no idea why Elendil’s daughter is here or what she wants. 

13. The armor. Look, I don’t understand the choice to give a horse-y aesthetic to the Numenorean soldiers. Horse tails on helmets? For an island nation not known for their horses? Where would they get so much hair? Also, lol, those “nose guards.”

14. Where did Galadriel get the custom armor she wears at the end? She showed up on the island in rags. Are they implying Halbrand made it in, like, a week? Why do I keep asking for basic storytelling competency? Search me!

15. One brief positive: I could listen to Elendil’s delivery of “For Middle-earth” about five million times.

16. You’re telling me they’re bringing 500 men on those three little ships? And the preview for next week implies they’re bringing a whole cavalry of horses, too? Is there an iceberg worth of boat under the water?

Guess what. The episode ends in the same place they started the episode. Numenoreans are gearing up to go to middle earth. All the conflict got us back to where we started. What a great use of an hour to tell a story. I am so done. I don’t think I can do this again. If this is the last time I review, may I just say...

UGGHGHGHGHGGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGGGGHGHHHHGGHGHGHGH

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 4 Review - *mega rant ahead*

*spoiler warning, though I don’t know the point of warning about spoilers in a show where nothing happens*

Thoughts on episode four:

1. Do I spy a sloppy mistake? Miriel’s outfits make no sense. Early in the episode, after waking from a dream, Miriel is seen wearing a heavily-ornamented green dress with giant pins on the shoulder. It’s stated that it’s first thing in the morning, and it is implied she fell asleep in her chair, not her bed. The next scene shows her back in that blue monstrosity of a dress that she wore the day before. Later, in the evening, she’s back in the green dress. This implies:

A. She sleeps in a nightgown that both features uncomfortable jewels and that she’s comfortable wearing in front of strangers. Unlikely.

B. Miriel re-wears an outfit two days in a row. A QUEEN? Just as unlikely.

C. Sloppy editing is sloppy. The scene back in the blue dress was supposed to take place the day before. 

2. Pharazon’s line about “cleverness is for men of small ambition.” Another attempt at depth that fall flat. 

3. Pharazon has a son now?! Just add it to the pile of discarded lore in the corner, I guess.

4. They did NOT! PLEASE tell me they did not just compare a visiting elf to illegal immigrants. Please tell me they are not making this fear of elves taking human jobs a real thing in Numenor. (Spoiler alert: they are). This is some of the sloppiest, most shoe-horned nonsense I’ve seen in an age. 

Let me explain: Men of Numenor eventually fall because they are jealous of elf immortality and prosperity. It drives them to be the best, but that only takes you so far. At the end, they’re still mortal. So they seek that which they can’t have, and it leads to destruction.

They are NOT afraid of elves moving to their island and taking their jobs. Real-world discussions can show up in fantasy, but they take subtlety and talent. These showrunners have about as much subtlety as the Witch King’s mace shoved up a human backside. This particular real-world debate has nothing to do with realistic motivations that would make sense in the world you’re stealing from Tolkien. Your pitiful little minds only look the more miniscule next to the genius whose work you’re appropriating for your own greedy desires, you slobbering little worm-brained sacks of meat. 

*deep breath to steady myself* Okay, back to reviewing

5. “Tempest in me line” literally gets Galadriel sent to jail, lol. More of Galadriel acting and therefore getting treated like an angsty teen/toddler. Literally sent to time-out. Also, more Halbrand teaching Gal how to have two brain cells. Make it stop!

6. That scene where Isildur is ousted from the ship. Let’s set the stage: Isildur lets go of a rope. Friends try to grab rope and fail. No one gets hurt. No problems with boat arise from this. Commander says he’s never seen Isildur mess up. Must have been on purpose. Immediately dismisses Isildur and his two friends. 

SO much wrong with this. 1. You don’t ask Isildur WHY he did that? 2. Absolutely nothing bad happened! He let go of a rope! There is zero reason for repercussions! 3. You purposely punish innocents, even though you know exactly who is to blame? Who writes this garbage?!

7. Intrigued by Adar. Would love him to be an elf mid-orcish transformation, but that would be far too interesting an idea for these writers.

8. One thousand percent positive that Theo has elf ears hidden up under that hair.

9. Rules of sound only apply when director needs them to apply (see scene where Theo hides in the well)

10. Is anyone else distracted by Disa’s struggles with the accent, or is it just me?

11. FINALLY we see an elf using elf-like abilities like incredible hearing. Place your bets on how quickly the writers forget elves can do this.

12. Yeah, I really don’t care about the romance between two made-up characters who have zero impact on the story. If you can’t tell if I’m talking about the two Numenoreans or the elf and the healer...yeah, me neither.

13. Conveniently cut away from Galadriel incapacitating a bunch of guards. Would take way too much work to make it look believable, and honestly, the one shot of her shoving a guard into the cell is already too ridiculous-looking.

14. Miriel states the other six palantiri are lost or hidden. Good grief. Okay, fine, ignore the lore that Elendil and his sons take the stones to safety. Ignore that this lore is upheld in the movies and now you look incompetent. But don’t have Galadriel reply that she has used a palantir before! How, if they are lost or hidden?

15. This show is incapable of SHOWING us anything. Cave collapses? We don’t see it. Dwarves trapped? We don’t see it. Durin risks his life? We don’t see it. Durin has a strained relationship with his dad? We don’t see it.

What do we get to see? Durin returning, everything’s fine, and he has a reconciling with his dad. I. Don’t. Care. Because. You. Have. Done. Nothing. To. Make. Me. Care.

16. Miriel is taking her people to help the Southlands. How the heck do they know the Southlands need help? Pretty elf guy and healer girl are only just now figuring it out. We’ve seen no communication with Galadriel about this. No pigeon letter. No vision. No beacons. We’re going to war without proof there’s a threat that exists? A vague Mordor drawing and a plan on a rag are apparently all you need.

Final thoughts: I’m back to being bored. Totally just remembered there were no Harfoots! Yay! And finally, whyyyyyyyyyyy.

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 3 Review

*Detailed rant ahead*

The madness continues. Buckle up. Here are my thoughts for episode three.

1. Good grief, Galadriel’s hair only gets worse. It’s like they’re mocking me.

2. It’s weirdly jarring to see Galadriel eager for food. So non elf-like. This is the same race that nibbles lembas, yes? 

Absolutely nothing separates the men from the elves in this show. In appearance, in mannerisms, or in wisdom, and that’s just criminally lazy.

3. Elendil!!! I could listen to this man talk all episode. Just scrap everything else. Sit this guy down and have him read The Silmarillion.

4. Numenor is really awesome. See? I can give compliments.

5. Oh BOY that council room scene. Whole section just for that:

ONE: I am so lost why an entire government would put everything on hold to interrogate two castaways. 

TWO: The scene where Galadriel introduces herself fills me with RAGE. Throughout the episode, Galadriel keeps talking about how impressive she is and how much more she knows than anyone else. NONE of her actions speak to this, and in a person of true nobility, actions are EVERYTHING. 

Compare to how Aragorn gets introduced. He NEVER introduces himself, not even as Strider. Others say his name, and awe follows. Heck, same with movie Galadriel. Her name is whispered with reverence and myth whirls around her like mist. But RoP Galadriel? Apparently the woman thousands of years older than literally everybody in the room has to list her resume in the clunkiest way possible (again, defining her own importance in relation to MEN). When I tell you how poorly this show is written, this is what I mean. Compare it to anything competent, and it falls ridiculously short. 

THREE: I hope Halbrand is Sauron, because I do like the way they are setting him up as a charmer and potential manipulator. Though it’s annoying he has to be a voice of reason when two women apparently can’t talk things out rationally.

FOUR: “I would sooner knee-cap a stallion.” What does that mean?!?!?! 

FIVE: Umm, what self-respecting military man as smart as Elendil would let himself be hugged by a random guy he picked up on the open water? And Halbrand is going to steal and return the dagger in front of all those people?!

SIX: Why is Galadriel always in a rush? In a time of relative peace, she can’t even wait three days?! When are elves ever in a rush to do anything?!

SEVEN: STOP GIVING GALADRIEL A ROMANCE WITH HALBRAND

6. The scene that introduces Isildur does absolutely nothing but show us Isildur knows how to pull a rope.

7. Elendil’s voice is still beautiful.

8. “The sea is always right.” A motto that’s setting up for when Numenor gets swallowed into the sea, I assume. My problem is, it just sounds dumb.

9. Water drinking scene takes sooooooooo long. 

10. Oh no. Don’t kill THAT elf who I only just remembered we’ve actually met before. And he gets a choir to sing him into death? What about this feels earned?!

11. WHY DOES GALADRIEL TALK LIKE AN ANGSTY TEENAGER?! WHY DOES A MORTAL MAN HAVE INFINITELY MORE GRAVITAS AND WISDOM THAN HER?! I don’t know if the actress just can’t do passionate without sounding like a YA heroine or if it’s the writing. I think it’s both.

Regardless, I love Elendil and I want to punch Galadriel in the face. 

12. Where did Halbrand get money? I do like how they are setting up his character.

13. Halbrand fight scene is brutal.

14. The mark of Sauron is idiotic. Drawing a rough sketch of Mordor on random objects? What the freak is the point?

15. Cotton clumps in the Harfoots’ hair? Weird choice.

16.  The stupid “past is dead” line from the trailer is even dumber in the show. They’ve established Elendil as a man who values and honors the past. He knows how to speak Elven, he is an elf-friend, and he speaks up for old traditions. Then they give him this line? Writers, do you not see the contradiction in this?!

17. One: Impressive statue for a prison. Two: How is Galadriel allowed to wander down into the prison?

18. They better be setting Halbrand up to be Sauron, because if they’re trying to make him into this made-up knockoff Aragorn type, I am NOT here for it. 

19. Seriously, I do not understand Harfoot culture. They are all about community and sticking together. But they are also about if someone falls behind, screw them. They fall behind and we leave them. WHAT ABOUT THIS MAKES SENSE?! A guy has a hurt ankle. No one can help him? No one bands together to assist? This is so infuriatingly nonsensical, I’m going to go mad. 

20. Oh no. Don’t kill THAT elf whose name I never learned. (Side note: warg CGI was rough)

Okay, I am more intrigued. I have trouble looking away from this car crash. I’m curious what they’re going to do with Halbrand and this shadowy elf figure, and it might be enough to keep me going. Unless they return to more boring stuff. 

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 2 Review

*Detailed rant ahead*

The fury continues, but I hope you can tell this fury is not mindless. Here are my thoughts for episode two.

1. How my heart sang to see Howard Shore’s name in the credits.

2. Gandalf stuff (sorry. “Meteor Man” stuff) is the only interesting thing happening. Not good. (Side note: the runaway cart scene was actually funny, but all the other attempts at humor fell totally flat)

3. Okay, I did nerd out seeing Feanor’s hammer. But it’s to their detriment. Just making me think of all the better stories they could be telling.

4. Why is Durin’s beard so badly braded? And what the heck was that rock smashing challenge scene? Is serves not point!!!

5. Ocean scene thoughts. One: Of course Galadriel finds a random raft. Swimming an ocean is still stupid. Two: Big fish is cool, but why do they call it a worm? Not wormlike at all. Three: a rare positive - I will happily look at Halbrand’s face as much as possible. It is quite pleasing to the eye. 

6. Dwarf family is cute.

7. The sexual tension between Galadriel and Halbrand makes me uncomfortable!!! Where is Celeborn?!?! Also, if Halbrand does turn out to be Sauron in disguise, that makes such scenes ten times as icky (He’s still nice to look at, though).

8. Excellent orc. Another positive? Wow. I’m practically gushing.

9. One more Galadriel rant. Thus far our strong female character has:

- demonstrated horrendous leadership skills

- had her team mutiny against her

- needed talking down to on several occasions

- had literally every part of her story defined by a man

- still ended up a damsel in distress

And she couldn’t be a strong female character as Tolkien created her because...you could do so much better?

10. Still so bored and infuriated.

I’m curious enough about Numenor to give them one more episode, but after that...

[miredinmiddleearth]

Rings of Power, Ep. 1 Review

*Detailed rant ahead*

Fires of anger have awakened a sleeping account and driven me to post again. My love for Tolkien will not let me stay silent. If you enjoy the misery of others, read on for my thoughts on the first episode of this show.

1. First off, I have to say it: the release date. You can’t claim love and respect for Tolkien and release the premiere on the day of his death. Just feels wrong.

2. Two minutes in and I was already bored. Elf children bullying Galadriel? Who the freak cares?

3. The speech from Finrod about stones and ships and why one sinks is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard.

4. I’ll be fair. Cool visuals are cool. 

5. So you’re trying to make Galadriel strong and powerful by turning her into a warrior, yes? But then you make her an incompetent leader who has to be talked down to at every turn. Yes, I feel so empowered watching a previously god-smiting character who is now nothing more than a parkour expert.

6. The whole snowstorm scene makes me angry. One: the outfits. Two: heartless abandonment of comrade in a party of maybe seven people?! Three: THERE IS NO REASON TO NOT STOP FOR A SECOND. There is no rush! No danger of orcs or ticking clock. Galadrriel just says Nope! We leave you behind. Four: Three seconds later, the wind isn’t affecting any of them at all. Walking around just fine.

7. Soooooo booooored

8. Weird antler guys have no point.

9. Someone explain the Harfoot culture to me. Travelers? But kind of farmers? Migratory but stationary? I’m so unbelievably lost. 

10. At one point, I had to pause the episode to physically expel some anger. Elrond denied admittance to a council because it is for “Elf-lords only.” THE ACTUAL HECK?! Elrond, son of Earendil and Elwing, descendent of King Turgon and Beren and Luthien?! Descendent of MELIAN AND THINGOL.

ROYALTY ROYALTY ROYALTY ROYATLY AND MORE ROYALTY ON EVERY BRANCH OF HIS FAMILY TREE. THIS ELROND IS NOT PERMITTED TO ATTEND MATTERS OF ELF LORDS. ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?!?!

11. Closeness of Elrond and Galadrrriel made me uncomfortable. That is your mother-in-law, my dude. Many times in the episode I kept wanting to know, where the heck is Celeborn?

12. Not here for the elf aesthetic they’ve chosen. Plastic-looking laurels just not doing it for me. When are the elves gonna look like elves?

13. Passage across the sea is something an elf has to earn? Since when?!

14. More Elrond talking down to Galadrrrriel. My dude, do you know who she is?! I mean, to be fair, why would you? This show doesn’t know who she is, either.

15. Is it just me, or does healer woman’s costume feel oddly modern and revealing? Sidebar: don’t care about her story at all

16. Weird nitpick: Galadrrrrriel’s hair isn’t nearly mythological enough in its beauty. Tiny personal thing, but when everything else is garbage, I’m allowed to be petty.

17. She’s going to swim the entire ocean?!?!?!?! I can’t. I just can’t. Take this Galadrrrrrrrriel away from me.

And that’s episode one.

[miredinmiddleearth]

Do you know how many times I have seen this franchise? Many, many times. Do you know how many times I have seen this scene? Zero.

[miredinmiddleearth]

[miredinmiddleearth]

DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATTTTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[miredinmiddleearth]

A Lord of the Rings blessing for the new year.

[miredinmiddleearth]

The DDGA (death destruction and general mayhem anonymous) meetings are surprisingly popular.