misheardathogwarts

[misheardathogwarts]

Character A: I have feelings for C. Character B: As in my sibling? Character A: Yeah. Thoughts? Character B: And prayers.

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Character A: okay, I admit it! I have a crush on C! Character B: you should go to the doctor. there's something seriously wrong with you if that's what you're into.

[misheardathogwarts]

I wanna be a role model to the next generation of men in this family, so I'm hosting a boy's night with b, c, and e's boyfriend d where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom. I figure they have to listen to me, I pay for b's gas and the other two do unspeakable things to my daughters.

[misheardathogwarts]

Child Character: When I grow up, I will be a doctor. Character A: Really? What Doctor will you be? Child: A child doctor, then I'll make myself a brother. Character A: Child, how many times have we talked? Don't laugh, B. Character B: I think it's a good idea.

[misheardathogwarts]

Character A: You'd be upset too, if your ex dumped you by text. Character B: I'd be relieved if C dumped me.

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Character A: I thought you knew how to seduce your sister! Character B: *getting out of the horse costume* Wait, that's what we're doing?

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Character A: Oh, this must drive you crazy; him choosing me over you. Character B: I don't really have strong feelings about it. Character A: I'm clearly the yin to your yang. Character B: We've barely met twice.

[misheardathogwarts]

Character A: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, 'cause you give me all these really great insights for free.  Character B: Shrink! If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

[misheardathogwarts]

Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want."

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Character A: What did you do? I said distract them not kill them! Character B: There is just no pleasing you sometimes.

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Character A: Far as I know she's running a meth lab out of her basement. Character B: She's a kindergarten teacher. Character A: And if I were a kindergarten student, I would trust her implicitly.

[misheardathogwarts]

Character A: C doesn't believe in pretense. Figures life's too short and too painful. So he just says what he thinks. Character B: 'I say what I think' is just another way of saying 'I'm an asshole'.

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Character A: You've caused me considerable mental distress. Character B: I certainly hope so.

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Character A: He's your friend, huh? Character B: Yeah. Character A: Does he care about you? Character B: I think so. Character A: You don't know? Character B: As Character C likes to say, 'Everybody lies'. Character A: It's not what people say. It's what they do. Character B: Yeah. He cares about me.

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Character A: Are you guessing? Character B: Yes. Character A: Too bad. You're right.

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You can't order a thirty-two hundred dollar DNA test to win a bet!

[misheardathogwarts]

Character A: Did you two shower together? Characters B & C: NO! Character A: Double negative, that's a yes.