missjae08

[missjae08]

[missjae08]

If someone is unsure of you, do not expect and do not keep your hope up from them. Because anytime of the day, they can drop you and ran away. Don't let someone be responsible of you, of your happiness and your future goals. They might promise you to be there with them, but once they change, you cannot never force them to stay or choose you.

[missjae08]

For the last 8 months, I have not written anything about the happenings in my life. I concluded that it would be better to enjoy the moment and focus on the things that makes me happy. However, that was not the situation. Everything I had was not all happiness and enjoyment, rather, I had to go through sadness, tears, confusions and pain. I had to question my decisions and I had to remain firm about it. I was in and out of my mind. I was lost. I was wandering on the go, don't know which way to go.

So here I am, I would like to reminisce the things that had happened to me for the last 8 months, starting from March 2022 until December 2022, as a mark of the journey I had.

[missjae08]

I do not know how to start telling my story.

It was March of this year (2022), that I was confused and maybe somehow lost on track of myself. I couldn't understand what I wanted. I couldn't see where I am going. I do not know what I was looking for.

So, I get into a dating app. I was there to chill. To see what's in there. I wasn't trying to get into a relationship. I was there to observe, to see, to know how things work on such app. So there I was, swiped right on few and swiped left most of the time. I wasn't interested on relationship hunting because I know I wasn't ready yet and that wasn't the right place to get a good man.

I did not turned on the notification on that app because it wasn't an important. Every time I opened the app, there was likes or someone who swipe right on me. They won't be able to message you if you do not swipe on them, so most of the time, I only swipe on who I feel, of course, I am readinf first before swiping to avoid misconceptions.

Fews day passed, it works normal, talk to few and when it feels boring, I unmatch. The next week passed, still the same as usual, talk to this and that, "hi hello how are you?", I replied back, and when it gets boring, my fingers automatically unmatched. Few weeks passed, I do not give attention to the app. I wasn't interested at all. So I decided to delete the app because I cannot find myself on that place. I do not see myself enjoying, and men gets boring to talk with. A nonsense, selfish and conceited men stays there who can't get a match because they are too choosy and playful.

One day, I came accross on opening the app again, to finally give last chance for myself. I read, check bio, swipe left and swipe right. I swipe right on someone. At first, I do not intend to get into conversation with him because I am going to delete the app anyway. We started a conversation, the usual, repeated, cliché kind of chatting. Then he asked me if we can talk to whatsapp. Mind you, I do not give my number to everyone or even one that I do not know personally. I don't know what happened to me that time why I suddenly gave my number. So there I was, starting to talk with him on the private app.

1/10

[missjae08]

Dear G,

I have come to let you know that I am struggling emotionally and mentally. I am in great fear of the things I do not see. I am anxious, I am disturbed. I do not know where to turn to and to whom I will turn to. I felt alone. I felt lost. I do not way my way out. I am scared of so many things. My heart feels so heavy. I am trying to live a normal as I could so nobody will see the pain I am hiding. I am trying to see things in positive ways because I do not want to live where pessimism surrounds me. I wanted to tell you my pains and disappointments. I wanted to tell you how much I am feeling and how much I am broken. Through the years, I always endure everything. Just to make sure everyone will know I am doing okay despite of everything. I have love and lost. Now that I am loving someone, I feel so lost. I feel so scared. I do not know which way I should go. I do not know but set my own standards and keep disappointing myself. G, help me, teach me to trust again, to be whole again, to expect less, to understand more, to accept unchangeable things, teach me to know what I should only know. Shut my mind off of the things I should not be thinking. Why? Why? Why? Do I think this way? Who made me like this? I do not want this. I feel so lost and anxious by this overthinking. So much fear in me that I choose to leave the person I love. It hurts me so bad and yet I still keep on hurting a good man. I am sorry for the actions and decisions I made instantly. Do realization of things help me? Or drag me down? How can I survive this? I am afraid I may not. And just let some slid away like this. I am not happy of what I am doing. I do not have the intention to hurt anybody. I am being too brutally honest. And to what gain I shall have? I do not understand myself and my mind. I have fears in me that I cannot fathom. Please God, help me get through this. I cannot handle this anymore. Thank you so much.

[missjae08]

[missjae08]

“She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”

— j. iron word

[missjae08]

Everyday, I get to learn something new and something to realize. We do not and we cannot force people or things.

[missjae08]

I do not know.

My head is too full.

I do not understand.

I am thinking over and over.

There are things that I should consider, to accept, to understand.

But what I do not understand, why does the other person do not want to adjust.

If working out should be done by two person, then why do we not meet in a specific point?

[missjae08]

The day I met you was the day you painted smiles on my face. It was like a soft breeze of air touching my face. It was so unusual of me to feel such feeling. My heart skin a beat.

[missjae08]

I do not know if I loved too much, or didn't loved at all.

[missjae08]

Today, I have said the words what my heart wants to tell you.

I am overwhelmed by the emotions I have for you.

I never thought I would love someone like this.

I even never saw you coming into my crashlanding.

I never have I ever imagined I would come to meet and greet a person like you.

I thank God for He connected our paths.

I thank God for He allowed our roads to cross.

I thank God for gifting you to me.

I thank God for the gift of you.

I thank God for He knows what I needed while I was waiting.

I thank God for He chose you for me.

I thank God for choosing you to be with me.

I pray this love will remain while I breathe the love we have.

I pray you will remain the person whom I have known and met.

I pray for good health, healthy love and relationship between you and I and the God who gave this to us. Amen.

[missjae08]

You beside me will always be my favorite spot.

Walking beside me.

Sitting beside me.

Talking beside me.

Just you beside is more than enough. 👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏼

[missjae08]

1) A relationship is not a relationship without COMMUNICATION, otherwise, there is no point of having relationship.

2) I understand what you mentioned above. But that doesn't mean I have to change. This who I am. That is who you are. If you will not adjust for me or I will not adjust for you, there is no understanding between us.

3) This is my reaction to how you treat me. I maybe moody, but I do respect the idea of "promises". If you cannot do what you say, better not to say it. Because someone is expecting you to do things because you said it. Otherwise, do not promise.

4) I respect the time and the person "DURING IN A RELATIONSHIP", for the reason that I AM INVESTING MY TIME AND EMOTIONS. If the person does not do the same, then we are walking on different paths.

5) There's no easy life. Nothing's easy. But a good communication will bring you to easiness and comfort. Just make sure you do not forget the words you said to the person, or else they will think otherwise.

6) The reaction I have made showed how you treated me. Lack of communication will break the relation. If you don't know that, then maybe you start knowing now.

7) I am investing my time and feelings to you, and do I deserve to be ignored and left without words?

8) I understand you are not talkative, but that doesn't mean I'm forcing you to talk. It is "communication" between two people "in a relationship".

9) I will not change, but I will adjust. So do you.

10) I am not saying I agreed, but I will try to adjust with the time, feelings, moods and whatever it may be.

Thank you for your kind understanding and cooperation.

[missjae08]

You cannot always trust. It will be difficult. Trusting is not an open word. It has something to do with what the other person make you feel. It is not about doubting your feelings, it is more about taking precautions of your feelings. Trust is a feeling. And when you feel something odd about the other person, it's still up to you if you'll give it a try giving a little trust. No one can tell you what to do or what to feel. But giving a chancr won't lose a limb.

[missjae08]

[missjae08]

People would always ask me, "how do you spend your time alone and how do you enjoy it?"

I would answer in a simple way,

"I don't like to spend more time with people I don't feel like to spending time with. It's much more of time wasting. I like my own company. I like my own time. I like my own space along with my own pace.

But it doean't mean I don't like people or I don't like to be with people. I just chose to spend my time alone with myself.

Being with myself is much more easier than with anyone else. Though it may sound crazy and creepy, people will think the other way. They will describe it as boring and self-torture of staying in with yourself.

But what's the problem of staying in with yourself? What's the issue?

I couldn't bear to be with people for longer hours. I cannot, honestly. It makes me feel bored and tired being with a group. It's not that I'm not get used to it, but that's the way I am, the way I choose where myself to be.

I can communicate with different kinds people in a very nice and conversant way, however, my capacity to stay won't last especially if the topic gets boring and uninteresting to tackle about.

I found myself comfortable in my own little space — my room. I get to do what I love (though not outdoors), using my time reading a book, learning new things, discovering the past and the history by reading articles and watching documentaries.

Learning is my way of entertaining myself.

Learning is everywhere, and by means of different social media platforms, I was able to find new facts which I didn't know existed at all.

Learning is not only done in school or at home or at work, it can be found in every places you visit and every little thing you do.

Learning is a process and a two-way process. We get to learn by what we were taught about from school, or books; and also, we learn by actual experience from any form of activities.

So, that's how I spend my time alone and that's how I enjoy the things I love. For some, it might be boring and reserve, but for me, it's a life.

In a world full of confusions and conclusions, don't be ignorant of what you suppose to know. Acknowledge things to be knowledgeable, and be aware to carry and share awareness. What you know won't be take away from you.

Being with yourself and giving time for yourself is a form of selflove. A love no one can give apart from our own self.

It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to do something such as an activity to make yourself feel whole. It can be done with hearing and feeling yourself, your body and soul, by detaching yourself from the world and attaching to your inner self is also one way of being with yourself.

Healing what needs to be healed. Old souls have old wounds yet to be healed. And by meditating, you will gradually heal those unmended wounds from life and the worldly experiences.

Internal healing is self care and self love.