mixcraftandmisery

[mixcraftandmisery]

Benicio Del Toro, Licence to Kill (1989)

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We hurt each other in a million little ways. So many ways which I protected him from, ways he will never know about. I have no intention of telling him, of ruining what shred of goodwill there is left. So is it better he never knows? To protect myself under the guise of protecting him? To shed my own secrets as though it was a game instead of something I should worry about?

Would it be better if I never know? If only there wasn’t that ache within me to search and dig and exhume the dead bodies of my failures. I wish I did not have that thing within me that makes me need to claw at the door until it is opened and then when I don’t like the look of what I find inside, my image of everything is forever spoiled.

They say ignorance is bliss, something which I have never known. So I will never tell, I feel grant him one last attempt at bliss.

[mixcraftandmisery]

The Addams Family (1991)

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I don't like how you love me, I could love me better. I deserve much more but my wicked heart is bent on torturing me with the necessity of your kind of love.

[mixcraftandmisery]

— Nipuna Mehta (via @nipsyyy)

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Love seeing little pawprints. So fucking magical. There was a little guy here.

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— Rudy Francisco

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Changed

If I’m going to kiss you, I’m going to kiss you. 

I fear I am forever changed by some experiences in my life,

The pain, the grief, the joy, the feelings.

Things I wanted to convince myself I didn’t truly understand, 

That I had to tease out the meanings of for years and then hide I had ever felt in the first place.

I am forever changed by it all, the idea that now I am right back where I began

An endless loop, endlessly, ceaselessly hitting me on the head, banging on the door

Over and Over and Over, begging to be let in this time. 

If you ignore it, it will yell at you through the window until you acknowledge it:

“I have been here the whole time, haven’t you noticed me?”

Are you myself? Are you some version I had lost one day?

Someone who was knocked out of me?

Who I felt I had to beat into a shape not my own.

Are you my future? A phantom of what’s to come?

Who I can be again or will be if I do something right?

Something wrong? Something to end the stagnation.

Every time I do something, I say “I don’t usually do this”

But how can that be true when I do whatever I want?

Maybe it’s because I don’t really do whatever I want and maybe I should,

Maybe I felt like I could for one small moment, brief shining moment

And I let it be forgot.

The tarot reader told me I was a child in a grown woman’s body

I cry and kick and scream and burn my fingers and tear down the house

Leave my room untidy and never finish anything

Mom, can you come pick me up from the airport?

I’m lost and I don’t think I can ever be found again. 

When I was a little girl, I got a stuffed monkey from an airport gift shop

My stepsister got a Barbie and somehow mine got out of my clutches between there and home

She kept her Barbie, I had nothing other to show for it, no monkey to take home.

I thought of him all alone on the tarmac, maybe he was wedged in the seat of the plane, maybe he was stuck in the baggage claim whirring around and around

And I cried, and I’m crying now.

Things seemed so simple then, believing I had a new life then

I had gone to visit a new world then and I dreamed of a holiday romance at ten.

Now I feel tears trickling down my neck into my chest

That thing has caused more trouble than it has ever been worth.

Those little monkey paws reaching out for me, clinging without sticking 

Those big brown eyes looking adoringly, looking without seeing 

I made a wish and I asked for a sign and I saw it— clear and succinct, it told me itself.

I walked past an advertisement that read: “It’s a sign”

The finger curled. Hands in hands in hands, left to right, right to wrong, 

And I get home at the end of a long day,

Held in the arms,

Changed 

Changed

Changed.

[mixcraftandmisery]

"You’re so polite" thanks i was raised in constant fear of upsetting people.

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Who up feeling forlorn right now?

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- Clementine Von Radics

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i'm trying, i'm trying, i'm trying

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I will remove anyone from my life to protect the peace that I've worked so hard for. Nobody took me out of the dark. I did it on my own.

Unknown

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hey what’s up guys i’m still trapped in this abandoned grain silo

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"Antique" by Robert Pinsky

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Mentally I am here