morimorty

[morimorty]

Didadoseofreality is serving such raw "as a gay black man" from the whitest republican politician you know energy.

Very normal way to talk about trans people on tumblr dot com.

[morimorty]

Lol what a loser! You really didn't have any better defense of yourself than to throw that old news at me? Buddy, I've been medically transitioned as a legal adult for OVER A DECADE in the heart of the Bible belt. You can't scare me by hiding behind your conman president's big boy executive orders like they're mandates from heaven. I've been watching republicans attack my rights for too long to fall for your bullshit. You do not know what you're talking about when it comes to trans issues any more than you do dissociation.

What are you, somebody in one of those super secret therapy groups, but you're so terminally online that you just couldn't resist bragging publically about how you got the special treatment for REAL sufferers and not fakers, EVEN THOUGH explicitly they told you not to talk about your therapy online?

Lol I hope you get caught and kicked out. You're so terminally online it's probably just a matter of time. Imagine being such a loser that you can't stop attention seeking online for ONE FUCKING DAY. You really do have to bounce between five different forums where you're a top poster just to get the attention you seek, don't you?

It remains darkly hilarious to me how republican fear mongers like you are always doing the exact same thing you're accusing others of.

[morimorty]

And there we have it, folks! User didadoseofreality confirmed full of bullshit with latest post detailing how it is illegal for therapists to treat trans people as anything other than psychotic because trump made it so.

I'm very glad to finally have definitive proof of this user being disconnected from reality, because they've been making some WILD claims I've been researching for the past few days. (Academically, not through Google.)

This user claims to be a mental health care provider, and that's why they have access to all this secret insider information only therapists have.

This is... pretty bullshit? First off, I'm 99% certain this is just a terminally online mod who at best has a job that gives them easier access to professional resources and is mistaking modding a password protected forum is the same thing as running a therapy group. But like buddy, professional resources aren't kept super secret because you just don't have to do that actually? Most people don't even have a library card. They're not reading professional materials. It's really not hard to keep high level info off the front page of Google. Certainly, there's plenty out there i don't have access to, but i just think this is a bullshit claim based on my own research.

I can't prove a negative. I'm not invited to the secret club meetings either. But this just reeks of bullshit at every level.

Explain to me why this person is on tumblr in the first place? Why here, in this dead end cul-de-sac of a social media website? Why not push these ideas out on reddit or YouTube or tiktok itself? Why hide it here and turn off reblogs if correcting misinformation is so important? Why put so much time into this daily if they're out there doing REAL work?

Well, first off, i think it's obvious to point out that a major use of this blog is clearly to just self-aggrandize through the joyful mockery of anonymous "fakers" who need to be put in their place. Particularly chilling is the repeated weaponizing of involuntary stays against patients and the repeated suggestion that it is normal in therapy for therapists to respond with hostility and aggression, that they have the RIGHT to in the name of protecting themselves from their patients' delusions. This is extremely false and dangerous information.

While i won't claim you can't find horror stories like this out there, presenting this as if it's the new standard God emperor trump has dictated for all and not a bastardized urban legend being repurposed for online clout is bullshit. Or maybe they're from some horrible part of the world where this level of institutional abuse is normalized! But either way, they're full of shit presenting this like the norm for American mental health care.

Like... you realize psychotic people are just a normal type of patient, right? Psychotic patients are people, not subhuman criminals who must be abused until they conform to reality. What this person advocates as the "new normal" is just not how actual psychosis and delusions are handled professionally at all.

While factious disorder inflicted on self is getting more attention, this is just not at all how professionals are advocating treating people. This is how roleplayers on social media WANT therapists to behave. They WANT them to dehumanize and demean "those people" to punish them for "wasting time and resources" as if the actual research on the subject isn't returning that the majority of these "faker" cases were shown to have clinically significant histories of childhood trauma (just not to the extent you typically see in DID).

Really funny how deeply this user wants to distance themselves from people who experience psychosis or delusions as if both aren't extremely common co-morbids for people with "real" DID.

There's such a desire for people who are "anti-plural/endo" to be able to claim that their mental illness is REAL, not like people who are Bipolar or schizophrenic or have BPD. Buddy, dissociative self states are no more inherently worthy of respect than schizophrenic paranoid thoughts or BPD interpersonal beliefs.

There's a strong online belief that if you can prove you have a REAL dissociative disorder, you deserve to have your experiences taken more seriously than someone with "just" BPD. This often fails to realize that dissociative disorders aren't really any better respected than BPD anywhere but online, where it is believed to prove that you're "not making it up" like fakers and p/w BPD or schizophrenia. Those People just tell lies for attention, but REAL Sufferers are different!

No, you're not. Your arrogance has just lead you to dismiss your fellow mentally ill trauma survivors as lesser than you and not worth your respect. It is really shitty of you to play up whatever professional accreditation you might actually have while spreading blatant, fear mongering, and clearly deeply politically motivated bullshit in the name of scaring children straight on the internet.

I know why you lock yourself behind so many walls: you've learned that if people have the ability to talk back, you look like an idiot. You wall yourself up behind fake authority to wage your bullshit terminally online war.

This anti-endo bullshit is just as full of dangerous misinformation as the goddamn people pretending to be pregnant with anime characters. Frankly, i find your misinformation MORE dangerous, because it's easier to prove anime pregnancy isn't real than to point out the level of abelism you're weilding for attention online. How dare you pretend to be a professional and talk about patients like that? I'm certain you're faking, but if you're not, you're as much of an embarrassment to your field as the president whose dick you're so eager to suck.

[morimorty]

I'm finding it hard to remember that life has good parts.

[morimorty]

I really hate being alive. It takes so much effort to just drag your body through another day. To force food in your mouth. To remember to drink enough water to keep from getting sick with dehydration. It hurts to be conscious and I'm just counting the hours down until I can sleep. But then night comes and I can't sleep no matter how badly I want to, no matter what pills I take. I can feel every part of my body. My mind just won't stop. I just want it to be over, but there's no guarantee it will end. Maybe it won't end because maybe I deserve this. Maybe if I wanted a better life I should have worked harder for one at some point along the way. Some point before I ended up here.

[morimorty]

I Saw the TV Glow (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun

[morimorty]

I hate being alive so much.

[morimorty]

[morimorty]

woopsie !

[morimorty]

I wish I would just die so this could be over

[morimorty]

Hey, please make sure you're constantly engaging with the discourse that posits that your marginalization is actually primarily a privilege!!!

[morimorty]

I am one of those autistic people who stims A LOT... when I'm not controlling myself.

Growing up in the house I did, I learned at a very early age to hold still and act appropriately in public. As an adult, I kept having these somatic issues, pain all over my body and in specific joints. Turns out a lot of that pain was just coming from the effort of holding myself physically still ALL THE TIME. Like I was holding my breath with my whole body every time there was another person in the room. Which is a very common turn of phrase when talking about trauma.

I didn't realize how bad my sensory issues were either. Because I grew up in a "you're just exaggerating/being too sensitive/making up excuses" household, I concluded that all the pain my sensory issues caused me just... wasn't real. It was just what everybody else experienced, so the problem wasn't that I was experiencing literally overwhelming sensory pain, it was that I was too weak and immature to be good and act correct. So I kept trying to fix my weaknesses, hating myself every time I couldn't hide how much the pain was impacting me. It wasn't "real" pain, so I was a bad person if I ever did anything to betray how I was really feeling. And in my family, bad people deserved to be hurt.

All of this is to say, I really hate the idea that REAL autism CAN'T be controlled or suppressed, that if it was REAL autism, you wouldn't be able to hide it effectively because it would just be TOO REAL to hide. My traumatic upbringing left me VERY disconnected from my body, in that classic way you will read about all over trauma narratives. Being disconnected from my body and how much pain it was in made it a LOT easier to mask. It also made it extremely hard to connect the struggles I was going through to a cause. How do you accommodate sensory issues when you can't admit to yourself you're even having them? I DIDN'T KNOW. I was actively denied the ability to understand myself because of how aggressively I was denied the basic autonomy of being allowed to express that I was hurting as a child. I thought I was just weak and I thought the problem was just that I needed to be a better person.

Fuck you and your “some people don’t have the LUXURY of masking!” I know most of you fucks saying that shit are living with your parents on their dime. FUCK. YOU. My trauma responses are not a fucking privilege, they're ways I hurt myself to survive a world that would hurt me worse.

[morimorty]

on healing.

[morimorty]

Which ones of these arbitrary trauma-induced rules do you follow?

No spending money, ever. what if you need it later and your life depends on it.

Assume that all strangers are 3 seconds close to becoming hostile. fawn to keep them friendly.

No delegating tasks. no telling other people to do things you could potentially do yourself. what if they mess up.

Assume that everyone will consider you a burden if you do 1 single mistake that inconveniences them. do all that is possible to not make that mistake.

Do not admit when things are going wrong. wait until theres no other option but to ask for help, and even then consider not doing that.

Always act like you're okay. not doing so might make you seem 'not normal' and 'accused of being crazy and unstable'.

Do anything for friends, even if it sounds weird, dodgy, illegal. you want to prove that you're fun and easy going and helpful and useful and extremely cool with anything.

Never let it show if you're suspicious of someone. never say out loud that you think their intentions are bad. that might set them off.

If hurt, hide and isolate. Do not let anyone see you hurt.

Do not ask help for problems you feel are your own responsibility to solve. Even if you don't see yourself solving them successfully. If you can't do it, assume nobody can help you.

Help others to try and build positive relationships. Don't accept help so you don't end up relying on them for anything.

Do not start things that involve help or participation from other people. People are not reliable.

Assume that institutions, government, police, social services, and any kind of groups of people are all considering you a nuisance, and would attack you on sight, in every single situation. Never rely on them or assume they would do anything else.

No arguing, confronting, or standing up for yourself unless the situation is absolutely unsurvivable otherwise. Lay low until doing otherwise is seriously damaging your mental health and ability to live.

Give up on hopeful social encounters before they disappoint you. If you have to interact with people, assume the worst is about to happen.

No allowing yourself to idealize, or dream of positive future with people. It's a trap and your expectations need to be either extremely realistic or low.

Assume that fancy and expensive things don't exist for you. Despise them and get away from them.

No comparing yourself and your life to how other people live. It causes depression and despair. Other people's lives and standards of living are none of your business.

Do not showcase any skill or brag about any achievement. Jealous people can destroy you for satisfaction.

Assume people think the worst of you and don't consider changing their mind. Just try to keep out of their way.

Do not display anger. You don't want to be called insane or get arrested. You don't know what people could potentially blame you for if you're openly angry. But other angry people are dangerous and you need to get away from them.

If you follow more than half of these, you have a trauma-induced problem. These are not normal or healthy. These are not developed in a healthy environment. These are extremely self-protective, isolating, ruled by terror of the world and the people living in it. If you follow these, something bad has been done to you.

[morimorty]

Attempting to dismiss abuse and 'not take it personally', doesn't take away from how it affects you; it makes it worse. If you're approaching each insult, degradation, threat and disrespect as if it was 'not meant seriously' and 'they only said it because they were upset/trying to help', that doesn't mean that you are now not suffering insults, degradation, threats and disrespect. You are. But you get convinced that it is on you to rationalize it, not take it seriously, dismiss it, believe it was not done personally, to try to see it from the abuser's side, to imagine what made them do it. Which means in practice, you are taking abuse and then on top of it accepting that it is your fault if it ever gets to you, if it ever hurts you or gets you upset, or scared, or threatened, or despised, or if it makes you feel worthless and ashamed.

And nobody is rationalizing it on purpose, rather we're shamed by the abusers for taking anything personally, for being affected by anything hurtful they do to us, they make us believe that any reaction we have is our fault, because we failed to dismiss it and endure it and recover from it instantly. They make us responsible for what they do to us, and how it affects us. Being shamed for 'failing to rationalize abuse' is a part of abuse.

Abuse is always personal, it's done to a person whose well being is not prioritized and valued, which is exactly why the abused person feels worthless and ashamed, they can tell they're not prioritized or valued in any way. But if then on top of it you're convinced that your perception is wrong, that you're faulty for being hurt by this, for protesting this, now you can't even vocalize what is wrong, out of fear for being shamed for having a reaction. Your attempts to dismiss and rationalize it don't mitigate the effects of it, you are still being disrespected, threatened, degraded, but now you're also too ashamed to protest, to say it's bothering you, to speak out and acknowledge that you are a person whose life experience matters, who doesn't just exist to take on others malice, sadism and hatred.

You can end up feeling even more alone, because you have to hide your reactions, and act like nothing is wrong. You still feel scared and anxious about all of the threats, you still feel humiliated, offended and upset by all of their insults and degradation, you still feel your personhood wither away because you are obviously not treated as a person, and you can feel it, but you can never say it. You can't believe your own senses and assume that you're wrong for feeling it, rather than the abusers being wrong for mistreating you. You're filled with anxiety of 'What if they're right? What if I am all of those things they keep saying about me? What if one day they act on their threats? What if my life is without value? What if something is deeply wrong with me and I shouldn't even exist?' regardless of whether you take these things personally or not. This is what abuse does to an individual who is powerless to fight back.

You can take all abuse personally. Anyone making you feel like this, forcing you to have these thoughts about yourself, is not treating you like a living, breathing, feeling human being, and your instincts are right to tell you that this is wrong, that you're being treated badly. There's no actual reason or justification for anyone to do this to you. Hurting you will not make anyone better, will not fix anyone's problems or make anyone's life better. The mere urge of another person to do this to you is abnormal and suggests something is wrong with their sense of right and wrong.

[morimorty]

Traumatized people are often advised to 'keep it under control' and 'find a way to contain it', and I always felt it was a fault of mine, if I freak out, or panic, or have an anxiety attack, or can't stop shaking or shivering. Now that I no longer have extreme bouts of panic, I'm starting to understand how much fear, panic and pain I contain within myself every day.

If I'm in a place that makes me anxious, I stay still, I do nothing. If I'm panicking, I will modify my behavior to the point where nobody around me will be able to see and realize that I'm panicking, I will seem happy, and pleasing. If I'm experiencing intense rage or frustration, I will shut down and won't respond or interact with anyone until I figure out what is a reasonable and logical thing to do. I am containing everything, constantly. And it's only a part of what I've been containing and keeping under control, I used to contain terror every day. I am used to circumstances where I had to act normal under threat of violence, threat to my life, every single day. I had to walk around like nothing is wrong while I was dissociating so heavily I couldn't tell if the world was even real. I was blaming myself if there was a momentary lapse of control, if the panic I was containing for months leaked out of me a little. The thought of not being able to keep it down terrified me.

I blamed myself for not being able to keep mountains of fear, grief, anger and panic under a guise, which a human being is not supposed to do. Our reactions of fear, panic and rage are there in order to point out that something is deeply wrong, that we're unsafe, that our circumstances need to change and we need safety, now. Keeping that shit contained and controlled is trying to bypass human instincts, fighting against human nature, and I did that, we all did that, because it was the only thing we were ever told to do with it. We'd be punished for anything else, threatened for any other kind of response that isn't containing and keeping it down.

And now when keeping it down is no longer humanely possible, because we did it for so long we wore our entire spirits down, now we get told we need to do more of it? More of pretense that things are fine, more of guilt and shame for not managing to be a closed human container of panic and pain? We were never supposed to keep that much in. Keeping all that inside and learning to control myself taught me to be what I am right now, keeping any inconvenient emotion down only so I could break down in private, or try to keep it down indefinitely, because I don't know any other way to live anymore. Fighting against my own instincts and fawning at others is just who I am now, and it's not who I'm supposed to be. Panic is supposed to be loud and alarming, pain is supposed to be heard, people are supposed to react with offering safety and change of circumstances that led to this. Not telling the scared, pained and panicked people to 'keep it down'.

[morimorty]

Abuse can sometimes feel like a slow, torturous deterioration of your sanity. You can't name what was done to you, you can't point out what anyone has done to hurt you, you can't prove to yourself that you're being abused. You instead feel like you might be going crazy. Like everything they're saying about you might be true and you can't get a hold of your senses or figure out what is going on.

And when it keeps getting worse, you hang onto every little thing trying to analyze if you're having the correct perception of it, trying to figure out if what you're feeling about it is rational or true. You don't know what's going on anymore but you know something is wrong deep inside of you and it's harder and harder to exist, to experience anything. Your every experience becomes a mass of uncertainty, doubt, questions, endless analysis, and you still don't know what is right, what you're allowed to say, think, believe. You cannot state the facts, because you're not sure what they are. You're blind in a fog, unable to stop whatever is going on, unsure if you're being hurt, or if you're imagining it in your head.

There doesn't seem to be any way out. If you could only stop imagining it, stop going insane, but no matter how hard you try, your emotions go out of control, you feel like you're going to explode, you end up feeling helpless and ashamed. It feels like a descent into madness, you can't stop feeling like you've embarrassed yourself, done something wrong, had the wrong reaction to every event, ashamed of how others must see you as pathetic and crazy. It makes you want to hide from everyone forever, but the doubt and inability to see reality still follow you and drive you insane. You end up wishing you didn't exist because you can't even do that right.

This is what gaslighting does to you, and why it can be damaging and painful just to exist next to the people who have done that to you. Even if they don't do anything else to you, just being continuously gaslit about what did happen can make you feel like you're losing your mind, because you're trying to force yourself to emotionally experience a fictional reality that is super-imposed over the actual truth of what had happened. Your emotions are the result of the events that did happen, so they cannot change to correspond to the abuser's imagined, revised and fictional version. However, if you fail to force this process, the abusers will humiliate, degrade and psychologically attack your sanity, pressuring you to keep trying to change how you emotionally react to reality. No person can change that.