morningbloomsfromhell-blog - Tumblr blog

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There's Nothing You Can Do

Death to hold Death to loathe All was done before life had begun

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One Day I'll Take Too Many.

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[morningbloomsfromhell-blog]

LightningThunder

My mother has been with some real pieces of shit.. My brother's father was probably the worst. His family was very kind and close, but he....something was wrong him, so much anger, always waiting for a chance to take it out on someone. He was a coward though, never hurt the kids in front of the adults and never hurt an adult with anyone around. Eric Erickson....coward...wife beater...almost child killer. One moment I remember the most...I was 4 or 5, my mother was still in law school, she was always studying so late. I would do my best to stay in my room, but one night it was storming so hard that our condo shook.....then the lights were out. I was terrified of the dark at the time like most children, we had a fireplace, Eric was still awake...he always waited up for my mother...I just wanted to be in the light..wait for her too. I wanted my mother. He yelled that I had no right to be out of bed and I just yelled I wanted my mother, he grabbed me by the hair and threw me into the closet...locking me inside for what felt like hours...my throat was so raw from crying that I wanted out.it wasn't until he heard my mother coming in that he took me out and threw me on the couch. She was in and I ran other and told her everything that happened...but...but, she didn't believe me.she refused to believe me... I don't remember much after that, next I knew she was pregnant with my brother.. My poor brother, I Can't even compare myself to the years of abuse he took in being forced to stay with him on weekends, during summers. Eric Erickson, the police sergeant, friends with all...,my mother should have done something sooner. The black eyes...the stitches....the cold showers while he whipped them. Who lets that go?

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Endless Shame

I am full of endless shame. Why do I even bother purging what I eat from my stomach, it's obviously never made a difference. I haven't been able to get under 180lbs in 3 years. I used to be so naturally fit...what happened...my diet is no different. I'm as active as before..If anything I eat better than I did 3 years ago. Why do I have to look this way. My body does not fit my mind...I buy clothes, but I can't wear them. Why is everyone I'm surrounded by so shallow....why can't you just see me...? You're all killing me...it's difficult enough having color and finding someone....not being the ideal fit...makes it so much harder.. I didn't choose to look like this. I don't know why I look like this. Please, stop holding it against me.

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I feel worthless. Why is connecting so hard? Why don't people understand? What do you want from me? JUST STOP.

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You Wouldn't Know Me

I don’t know where to begin…I guess, why am I making this Tumblr? No one knows me, but talking to people is hard.

Current mood? Desperate.

Everything including my mind hurts…but I am numb. I wish I was dead. I want to be dead. I am dead…almost.

How did I get here? This state of being, this point in life to where you wouldn’t know me? I’m not sure where my anxiety began, Ive always been anxious,self-conscious, too aware ever since I could begin to remember. I was a very popular and admirable person before my daughter, no one really tells you how much anxiety a child can bring on. They’re so precious, so perfect and remarkable admirable people…I would literally crumble without her, my daughter. Your whole world opens up so much thanks to them….how can there not be this much anxiety in losing them or disappointing them? I stopped existing after the house fire last year in March….it destroyed my world…shattered all feeling of safety I had left. The house was but a shell afterwards, now I am nothing but a shell with only enough heart left for my daughter.

How did the house fire affect you? I now rent a small one bedroom apartment due to my new fear of big spaces, I used to rent houses. Too much space means too much to worry over that could hold a fire. They never found the cause, by the way, I think that’s what kills me the most….not knowing. leaving the apartment is hard without my daughter leaving leaves me shaking…breathless, lost…what if there’s a fire…what if the alarm doesn’t go off…what if no one warns them. It’s hard, I don’t go out often….If you couldn’t guess. I work two jobs, it’s hard…mostly leaving…not the working.

I wish I was a person. I want to be a person…but I don’t stand a chance. Being alone is hard, especially with a child…you have so many more things to worry about before even considering what could help you.

I can hear what you’re thinking, “she regrets her daughter.”. I do, but not how you are thinking,I’m just not good enough for her is all I’m regretting. I feel selfish for making her mine. I’m already ruining her life by forcing her to endure my anxiety. I hate myself, I regret how naive and arrogant I was to want a child knowing who I am as a person.

I’m in tears.

I wish I had family. I wish I had support. I just want to be a person.

I can’t do this anymore.