mortallyvaliantkid - Tumblr blog

[mortallyvaliantkid]

So, this account turned 6 today!

6 years ago, I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be alive. My past was eating me alive.

I’ve worked so hard through my trauma and I’m so god damn proud of myself.

I’ve worked out what was causing the issues that I was facing, I’ve sought support, I’ve found my triggers and best of all - I’m still here.

A blessing and a curse but I’ll stick with blessing.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

Repost @_worthyof ・・・ Why I tell my story…..

[mortallyvaliantkid]

“My body had told me what my mind refused to accept. I’m tired. So tired. Tired in ways that I’m afraid. The fear is a fear of a broken dream. I have made a decision.”

The Tale (2018)  Directed by Jennifer Fox.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

"If it scares you, do it."

Wait

...

Theres one problem with your theory...

I'm not scared of anything anymore.

Only of certain people.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

[mortallyvaliantkid]

This is really personal to me. I went to the place where I was attacked (molested but not raped) for the first time today since it happened two years ago. I was questioning whether or not it was my fault and thinking about all of the people that pass by that place casually with no idea what happened, and I wrote this. I think it needed to be written. that is the wall I was held against. That is what I wrote today. That is my shadow. And I feel stronger now for writing that.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

This needs to fucking stop. CSE/A is ruining lives and the scum think they can evade.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

What is the right thing to do? **TRIGGER WARNING**

I’m not sharing any personal info and I deem this a safe community.

I was 10, she was 13. At first we played balloon tennis; we had a balloon that we used to throw at each other and we had to well throw it back. So and forth.

She then moved closer to me, I didn’t know what she was doing, I just went along. We were fully dressed and she went close to me. I remember the look on her face. She liked it, she wanted more. She was focussing on me, or something.

Moving on a little, she wanted to have “fun”. I didn’t want to but she made me. If I didn’t she would tell on me. I can’t remember exactly what, that’s fuzzy tonight.

It was painful. I didn’t want this but then I orgasmed. That’s the fucking confusing part. I realise now that it was an involuntary feeling/emotion/movement etc.

I remember this happened a few times. It was painful. She was on her period a few times.

I feel so guilty, I remember one time I wanted it to happen, whether it to make her happy I don't know.

I didn’t know what sex was until I was like 11/12 and didn’t know what sperm was until I was 13. 

I am so so confused

She is my sister. Lockdown was fucking hard, unbelievably hard. I fucking hate her. I never want to hear from her, I never ever want to see her again.

I’ve suffered heavily from Depression and Anxiety (undisguised) since then, I think back, I was always an anxious kid but this has contributed to it being worse.

She fucking knew this happened.  I brought this up 3 years ago, not realising what it was but I was curious and she just said sorry and that was it.

Heavy into lockdown (fucking corona) I brought it up on a walk (full of anger believe me) and she thought that I’d forgotten about it and moved on. Fuck did I? She didn’t say much. I asked for space. Little did I receive.

She’s now at uni training to become a teacher.

I’ve not threatened but warned her that if I am suspicious of her, I will report. She dismissed it silently.

But I know I need to tell my parents. Even the authorities.

What do I do. Please help.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

It’s okay to make mistakes…

For all I have known about life – I have either made mistakes and been overly self critical of such mistakes, or others have been overly critical of such mistakes. Either way, It has been hell.

I now feel that making mistakes is okay.

It’s okay. Be honest, think about what happened but not too much. And remember what happened. Then think what you can do better next time. Note this may take a few tries, more tries than hoped I can assure you. Trust me, It’s okay to make mistakes.

I look back over the past few years and I can see that I have made a lot of mistakes and also a lot of progress. I know I focus a lot on the negatives, and I guess in an attempt to be hopeful I will look forward on them, but mainly because it’s easier.

I know I have a long way to go. But I am making progress. I am moving.

I don’t like saying this but I am proud of myself. For where I am now. For recognising that I wasn’t okay. For asking help. For being here. For trying as hard as I could. For fighting when all I wanted to do was stop it all.

I am proud of myself.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

To .... Or not to?...

To come out clean or hide the biggest secret is one of the hardest decisions at present.

Hint: read between the lines.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

So, I'm back down ...

What hurts, more than what anyone can understand is disappointment. Not the kind where you didn't get that B. Or that A

The kind where you lay in your bed. Crying every. Single. Evening

Thinking how bad I am at everything

How shit I am at being a friend

How I am a massive failure

How I have panic attacks daily as a bloke

How I worry about everything despite being "cured"

The thoughts of stuff are unbearable.

No matter how far or fast I run, they never leave my side

Yeah I know I'm a disappointment because I'm shit again. I hate it and I'm sorry.

I've asked for help.

Somedays, giving up is a common thought.

But yet, chin up

#mentalhealth #nooneunderstands #depression #anxiety #ocd

[mortallyvaliantkid]

What do you think?

Hey, made this video: https://youtu.be/72FwHkEqlTs

What do you all think?

[mortallyvaliantkid]

Relapse

I was doing so so well. After being suicidal for month's on end and then enjoying life. To this! Being depressed, again and thinking of suicide. Why. Seriously

It's just getting too much now.

[mortallyvaliantkid]

Is it too much to ask?

[mortallyvaliantkid]

So many words, so many scars

[mortallyvaliantkid]

X

[mortallyvaliantkid]

It just proves that our minds are very powerful things, not always in the expected ways... 

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