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Dreaming

I dream a dirty dream of you Leaning in to kiss me firmly and unceasingly Your hands wandering greedily You need me exactly and then more

It's a dirty dream of you You fuck me until I can't ask for more I cried that I'm yours I know tomorrow I'll be sore

Another dirty dream of you Commanding me your way and I give it all to you Your pleasure is my joy

I dream a dirty dream of you I'm excited, we have hours and everything's right Please touch me like that I need it like that

You taste so good in my dreams and my imagination still fails Ask me, ask me, ask me I'm always in reach.

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Renewal

One is powerful in her enrapturement, half-lidded gaze victorious; The other, usually active and giving, yet so vulnerable while receiving, such an appeal;

I want to touch and be touched, hands generous, expressive, desirous; Inside each other in every way We ebb and flow so easily together we three Our brains and hearts together wet and sticky and raw

Trust renewed that if I reach out and touch it, the love will touch me back. No hesitation only relaxation and ease Increasingly I am released and I feel myself expanding stretching my limbs, that sweet opening ache I want that touch all the time

I want that touch all the time

We turn and turn and turn and turn and

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Just This

I learned so well to be easy I never learned how to be needy (especially not like this)

I want you and you need time

and I know how that feels It's been so much

My patience is oceanic My heart swells like a tide to be there for you but then I begin to doubt - there's so much I don't know - what if nothing changes -

In my mind, those past events begin to melt into meanings held only by me Perhaps for you, it was nothing at all (or not quite the same) (or the product of a moment, now over) and your joy is found with just this.

(Just this - moments of beauty and comfort and shared time - a hug, a kiss, shared interests, just this - silly, comfortable, life together - you said you loved me - )

I feel wretched with ingratitude An undeserving mongrel creature wanting more

I want you I think of you all the time and I feel the breath of that mongrel shame panting hot at the heels of my (ir)rational judgement

It says, if I really cared for you I would welcome your love exactly as it was, every day, always, forever, (isn't that right?)

Yet despite myself my thoughts snag once more on an image of you rapturous I'm captured in that thread What if we -

A new idea drags at me like thick wet concrete I feel sick Did I make you do that Was the touch of my hands too heavy a weight I feel sick

I recall so many moments of reaching, asking, encouraging, hoping, laying your hands upon me intimately, and I feel myself shrivel cold in retrospective disgust

Even if no harm done, my soul twists with embarrassment I do have some pride How humiliating to put myself through that I do us both wrong

I will be kind and respectful I will not touch you like that again I will be good to your honest heart

I imagine a future of watching you touch her (and it's beautiful) (I love her too) while under the soft light of those magical scenes I hide my yellowed teeth, just feeling a little off today, I tell myself I'm content, my claws, what claws, I love you all I love you all, you look to my eyes and they aren't the same, inevitably I become the mongrel. I hurt you both. An ocean of patience could never have helped us. I despair.

I let myself need the wrong thing It got out and it won't go back into confinement I'm sorry How can I need you now

I want to be there for you My heart can do anything You said you just need time

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I warm myself with the knowledge of our love Like a fire we built together Nurtured and allowed to burn, flames to lick At first we were afraid But the fire touched us and we were safe - Now fascination Now possibility Now we can

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The way your eyes fall unfocused and you pant Your eyes again, serious and curious across her to me When you're touching her and thinking about what you'll do to her next and you're biting your lip (or when her moans thrill you) When your hair falls across the pillow Your face relaxed and lightened, mouth open and wet Head tossing Hand gripping my thigh Eyelids heavy and slack You come so beautifully.

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Immersion

I said, loving you is like loving a deity.

I spoke to the sensation of immensity, of feeling like flotsam on a wave, of feeling intimately known and perceived more deeply than is normally known by mortals. Such vulnerability is frightening. Such vulnerability is thrilling.

At first, you swelled with flattery. In truth, you deserve worship. Then you shrivelled - "Am I too much?", you wondered to yourself. "Should I wrap myself up small?"

And as time passed, those waves came and at times I was tumbled. You witnessed. And I cried as I scrambled and spun and helplessly watched as you made yourself small.

You made yourself small.

You weren't in fact a deity, despite your resemblance, but a human person with immense capacity for love and care for others.

And so was I.

Time passed again as we pulled ourselves back together We spoke our pains and our loving too No-one had to change. We were perfect as we were.

We found our own edges again - we had lost them in our tempest - we lovingly caressed our own seams and repaired ourselves and each other and sang as we worked.

We pressed ourselves together once more, the contact full, ourselves complete - you did not shrink, I did not tumble.

I was myself and I swam in you, and you too swam in me.

We felt right into the tips of our own fingers and toes as we fully immersed. We held ourselves together and did not dissolve - we tasted and dove and gambolled about - we let the other in and we knew who was who - welcome in each of our wholenesses. Once more, we thrilled together.

To approach divinity is to feel immensely while also holding all the small details of living.

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Unfurling

I feel myself unfurling slowly, and all at once Parts of me exposed and bare that no-one new has seen in years

Sometimes I feel like a proud bold banner and sometimes I acutely feel those widths that have hardly seen daylight, dark and yet unbleached vulnerable and hardly touched

Take me and stretch me Smooth your palms across my cloth I can feel the wedding rings just inside me as you slip inside me together

Pull my cloth tight until I curve and snap and stiffen Stretched broad like canvas sail I'm open

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Kintsugi

Molten gold pours from my lips into your cracks I now direct I work and find the shape of you I place your pieces and connect all of the parts that make you whole, or hurt, or touched, or wrecked, then next I build the future from your history Entire image held in my breast I hope to understand and blend your stories told, viewed through my lens And though our work be never done to our kintsugi we'll attend.

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I love how your eyes roll when you're aroused at just a word.

It is so thrilling to have a grip on your cunt like that even at a distance.

The long, slow, thump of my heart reverbing in my throat

I'm here but I'm there.

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Is it alright

You love like your heart has never been broken

(If it has, you shine all the brighter for it)

Larger than life and sweeping like clouds, hugely, soaring, Glorious inspiring enlightening humbling

I don't think I've ever been loved exactly like this I doubt I was ever born with the cleanness of heart that you show now, with years of experience to tarnish you. My hopeful love feels so small, something I cherish and protect like a candle cupped close to my chest protected by my hands against the wind like any moment I expect a disaster to snuff me out.

Your love is like acre upon acre of clear shining glass rolling away toward the horizon the light gleams - gleams - I feel ashamed to squint and shade my eyes Does this make me unworthy

Is my heart really so fragile as a tiny flame? Or have I been taught to treat it like one? You shatter my paradigm I ponder breathing fire I feel my chest begin to warm

You love like your heart has never been broken

I try to let the light in

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Out/with

In my heart a treasured gift We are out we are not secret I hold you close I show the world We all hold hands pull through the crowd Our love is good you are my friends we are our friends together loving full of care We are out we are with in our hearts a treasured gift.

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Cloth

I am in love with my friends

Queer friendship fucks boundaries Transgresses rules with love Rolls around in broken glass and rises better, new, and glittering

I am in love with my friends

Gratitude wrings my heart I am pulled thin and stretched like gauze I am w i d e I hold it all Above my friends I shelter them Stars glimmer through my cloth

I am in love with my friends

The future comes like a breeze smiling through the gaps My friends roam freely underneath I have you safe my friends

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Petals

The softest kiss I ever had was given to me by a stranger on a sweltering bush afternoon

Her kiss beckoned and allured It drew - it drew - - - a continual leaning in forever as I slipped upon cool lush petals -

She knew - that twinkle in her eye gently teasing while I shivered with pleasant surprise A delightful blessing with no agenda

I was grateful for that single moment

I learned how space can create intimacy.

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Family

Family feels like a spoiled word sometimes Ruined by the collective trauma of generations of expectation and rejection.

'Chosen family' sits uncomfortably, because well, why would you choose more of that? I do know it's not meant to be like that, and for many family is simply

love -

and I certainly know what it is to reclaim -

but -

God I wish there was another, better word

A word as pure and wholesome and uncomplicated as what I feel in my heart when I'm smiling with my cherished queer heart-people GOD I love you all -

my family -

and ah, love is also one of those words -

Perhaps growing older is realising that it all has a history and that nothing is new and the best word is the word that will do.

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Audacious

So delicately audacious you are. You surprised me with your gentle wilfulness, both forward and yielding, your feet nimble and nearing -

As you engaged me handle-first, your hand alive around the blade, I was taken by your offering and dreamed to steal your hand and lick the blood from your palm, if any.

You asked, and my heart swooped - I am nerves all a-jitter, but I am safe.

Together now we wait for the moment, eyes meeting in mutual knowledge and anticipation, time making a promise of you in its passage. I want to learn how warm you can be.

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