mothhauntedbyflame

[mothhauntedbyflame]

I run but when I stop I stay long enough to ruin everything

but when I run I run in circles and I overgive whatever I bring

I spill like water and no one can catch me

if I go who's left to forgive you?

if I go who's left to forgive me?

it will rot inside both of us

we'll take it with us to our graves

[mothhauntedbyflame]

been feeling like a dog tied to a tree abandoned on the side road

[mothhauntedbyflame]

there are screens burned into my eyes

and I still see you sat in front of the mirror putting your make up on sometimes

I wanna drink like old times

but I know it would likely decline

because now I burn instead of smoking

so I would just drink to die

I don't wanna get up from bed tommorow

there's no trail for me to follow

the words I write won't kill me but I wish they would

no one sees how dark my head is but I wish they could

now as I walk through these woods I still don't want the adulthood

one day I might haunt and move this neighborhood

[mothhauntedbyflame]

—Fernando Pessoa, "The Book of Disquiet"

[mothhauntedbyflame]

I wish my shame was as cuttable as my skin

it hurts to a certain degree

my bones aren't sharp enough to cut it in two

the pain's rotting in my brain

I am poisoned by mildew

[mothhauntedbyflame]

in love with pain

I'm sure I'm not just tired but decayed

I'm afraid of the moment the music cuts

and the moment the silence makes my head ache

now I wish I never made such fuss

and I wish I stayed

'cause I don't know what difference would it make

I have nothing but that rotting brain

and I'm not really that safe

with the pain strikingly similar to mold

with nothing to hold

and nothing to gain anymore

[mothhauntedbyflame]

Waking up and immediately feeling suicidal is so fucking foul

[mothhauntedbyflame]

Depression is being forced to stay alive against your will because if you died "it would upset people"—the same people who never care when you're upset.

They just want you to stay alive despite your suffering because if you don't, you're the selfish one.

[mothhauntedbyflame]

even the burns on my hungry skin

can't drown out what was and what could've been

I'm also scared of what will be

and scared of what I've became

when my shorts ride up and there's this scar I can't unsee

I still can't set any of this free

it was an electricity pole I almost hung from, not a tree

now I just want the sea to take me

please don't make me

[mothhauntedbyflame]

[mothhauntedbyflame]

'cause it's better to deal with the devil you know

but worse when it's the devil you still want

I try to bury the remorse right next to the bones

but it's like it's me the soil wants

and knows I can't leave 'cause I'm the ghost

stuck in the house you still haunt

little do you know I'm its walls

even when you're chasing me through its halls

but you're not really out there busy hunting me I know that now

you're not really hurting me anymore

[mothhauntedbyflame]

and now the cage is open but the bird doesn't want to fly

and the moth hides from the light

considers it a haunting

the house isn't burning anymore

but I am

I couldn't bring myself to leave before

I still can't

even if nothing's the same

I'm aflame, ashamed

I feel it so deeply like it was written on my bones

like it's the music playing in my headphones

[mothhauntedbyflame]

time waves are washing over me

laughing in my face

'cause evolution requires grief

I know I can't stay in the same place

and that I am so full of love

but all I can do is haunt

I need so much

but I know all I can do is want

[mothhauntedbyflame]

The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

[mothhauntedbyflame]

I miss that part of me before I met you

when I only heard about you from the rumors

I was the kindest, the gentlest and my mind was so full of sun

but then I was filled with the storm

and when it passed I was left with nothing but the silence afterwards

sometimes some part of me tells me that I was the one supposed to say sorry all along

[mothhauntedbyflame]

the walk home when everything's gone

but it's bitter aftertaste

who was I to want more?

I put myself to waste

perceived as two-faced

but you can't change what's done

just leave it on the floor

where you sit behind closed doors

unable to let go of what you once thought was yours

of all what was erased

for what you once chased

my destiny was displaced

[mothhauntedbyflame]

Made a fool of myself, down on Tennessee street

It wasn't pretty like the movies

It was ugly, like what they all did to me