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WTF is love?

Ohai! I’m finally back again on tumblr. Here, where I thought I would write my dating adventures.

I didn’t have any dating adventures this past 1.5 years. 

I had been pining over a guy who doesn’t really give two shits about me.

Boxing him in I tried to be the caring one in this one-way relationship. The unicorn you hear about--the man who accepts the woman for who she is. Who loves her weird quirks and all that.

I try to rationalize that it’s just him being an INTJ. I try to see things from his point of view, though I never knew if it was right to voice my own feelings. I’m too afraid of showing my feelings. 

I tried. I really really tried.

I’ve been trying this for so long. It mollifies me for a bit until I realize that it’s not what I want.

The realization I was listening to New York Time’s Modern Love podcast about a woman and her pet tortoise. She talked about how her date Jeff brought her out on a date. 

And I started to tear up.

I really want to go on a date where things are taken care of--in a romantic way.

Sure he did things that were considered “taking care of” me. But those are stuff I think are what normal human beings should be doing to people they care about. It’s nothing special.

Maybe I had been poisoned by untrue love stories for too long.

Who knows?

This video sums up my situation

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INFP: No one understands me.

INFP: *hides all of their feelings*

INFP: *gives no indication of what they are thinking*

INFP: *avoids all confrontations*

INFP: *sits at home and reads and doesn’t talk to anyone*

INFP: *would rather die than reveal their inner emotions*

INFP: I don’t know why no one understands me.

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Lessons from 2015

Hello Year 2016! It’s good to see you. Before you move on, let me just recap a few of my dating adventures in 2015.

I wrote “1 Date each month” as one of my resolutions. I didn’t really bothered with it all that much because it’s just too much of a hassle.

I went on some dating events. Didn’t follow up enough with anyone to go on other dates.

I went on a Tinder date with a guy who liked texting. And who looked 10kg heavier than his original photo on Tinder.

I paid a dating agency to set up a date. I didn’t get to see the guy’s face and I didn’t like that he had a “Thank goodness you don’t look ugly” look on his face when he first saw me.

I went on a date with a guy who turns out to have a sex blog. Though I’m not quite sure if anything on it is even true.

The one guy I asked out

I asked a guy out on a date. *OMGWTFBBQ* Things were tangly for a long time until he said that he wasn’t going to date until another year later. 

I was pretty devastated about it. But now that I think back, I’m probably more upset with the fact that things haven’t gone as I’ve planned. 

I did learn a lot from this one-sided pursuit. (Now that I’m looking at this clearly, it was definitely one sided.)

I stretched myself and found a different side of me--The Best Version of Me.

But now I’m afraid that I don’t have the force to keep up with The Best Version of Me. Though I know that I shouldn’t be relying on trying to impress some dude to become The Best Version of Me, it’s so much harder trying to keep it up when it’s only for myself. I’ve been too lenient on me, preferring the easy way to live than hard work.

Maybe this is also a way to show me that sometimes hard work is necessary.

But I will always remember that I love myself no matter what.

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Hello internet

This was supposed to be a dating blog. But I do not dare write about my actual dating life. Even if no one can track me back, I’m still scared.

Still, I want to rely less on my future-decaying memories and more on my past-memory regarding my adventures dating.

The List 

I met an amazing person who matched most of the qualities I listed in Becoming the Man We Want to Marry.

pleasant looking

smart

funny

tall

speak more than 3 languages [NOPE]

cook

do grocery shopping [We did, twice!] 

do laundry [I guess?]

art and museums [He likes bookstores]

independent travelling [He’s done it but not a lot.]

children (raising them, not pedo-type of like) [Not sure when]

reading [Probably ties with D when it comes to reading]

I admit that for some parts, I am trying to stuff the triangular block into a round hole. It’s quite a stretch to say that he speaks >3 languages when he admitted that he speaks only one fluently and can mimick the rest.

Full of nervousness, I asked him out. With even more nervourness, I admited My List.  As for the date, I’m not sure when the actual date ended and when it was just chit chat (or in my case, keeping my mouth shut and looking panicky).

Why are you crying?

At one point, I teared up about my singlehood. I was embarassed. I’m not ashamed about being single. No, but why was I about to cry?

It was only until some days ago that I realized the real reason I wanted to cry. I was not mourning being single. I was sad because I realized that I have not found someone that I am willing to leave my singledom for. 

Yes, I have high standards. What about it?

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That has to be what love is – t0 seeing what a mess he is and loving him anyway, because you know you’re a mess, too, maybe even worse.

David Levithan, Another Day (via wordsnquotes)

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In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. 

OMG, I was a total Mr Darcy. #facapalm

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Unlucky people often fail to follow their intuition when making a choice, whereas lucky people tend to respect hunches. Lucky people are interested in how they both think and feel about the various options, rather than simply looking at the rational side of the situation. I think this helps them because gut feelings act as an alarm bell - a reason to consider a decision carefully.

Unlucky people tend to be creatures of routine. They tend to take the same route to and from work and talk to the same types of people at parties. In contrast, many lucky people try to introduce variety into their lives. For example, one person described how he thought of a colour before arriving at a party and then introduced himself to people wearing that colour. This kind of behaviour boosts the likelihood of chance opportunities by introducing variety.

Lucky people tend to see the positive side of their ill fortune. They imagine how things could have been worse. In one interview, a lucky volunteer arrived with his leg in a plaster cast and described how he had fallen down a flight of stairs. I asked him whether he still felt lucky and he cheerfully explained that he felt luckier than before. As he pointed out, he could have broken his neck.

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I have a quirk. When I “fall in love”, I have a theme song running through my head. It goes in a loop and I hum it out often. 

In Year 4 University, it was a sad Kate Nash song: Nicest Thing. I later realized that the guy is totally not single. I should have asked. Goddammit.

For Paris, it was a bouncy Kate Nash version of “I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance".

This time, I Really Like You is running in my head. What especially got me was:

It's way too soon, I know this isn't love But I need to tell you something

Am I just confusing “really really really” liking this dude to love? Maybe I just want him to be my male BFF? So confusing.

Having a theme song also means reenforcing the feelings I have about a particular situation.

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The article proposes a recipe for becoming a love “master” instead of a love “disaster” by responding the right way to what Gottman calls your partner’s “bids for connection.” A “bid” is when your lover points out your kitchen window and marvels, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” You could go “Wow!” and get binoculars (an active “turn-towards”); mumble “Huh,” and keep reading your newspaper (a passive reaction, less good); or say, “I’m sick of your fucking birds. What about the broken garage door?” Gottman found that masters turn towards their partners’ bids 87 percent of the time. Love, he concluded, comes down to “a habit of mind.”

I guess it’s basically just saying, “Yes, and.”

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Unlike your typical crush, oneitis becomes an all-consuming obsession. At least with typical crushes, you’re still interested in other people. Not with oneitis. When you’re suffering from oneitis, you haven’t just put them up on a pedestal, you’ve elevated them to the state of being The One

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LOL :3

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I’m going to pass along the best piece of advice my old therapist ever gave me. He said, “You can’t fuck up soul mates.” Write that down, and put it in your pocket.