mshmmh

[mshmmh]

An Open Letter to my Almost

Dear You,

The moment I fell in love with you was the greatest and yet the scariest. I had my setbacks on our first years because I was too scared to be fully attached and then would lose you one day. But then, distance separated us and forced me to pour some extra love that was far beyond what I expected to give. I loved you with every bit of me. I loved you without doubts, without measures. I was longing for you always and everyday hence clingy, as you always say.

My nine long years with you will always be my favorite years. It was a roller coaster ride yet so beautiful, so ecstatic. I was at my happiest.

Know that you are so precious to me. I adore every bit of you that even words cannot express. I remember you asking me numerous times why I kept staring at you without reason. It’s so funny that I cannot even answer. That’s how much I adore you— no words can describe.

God knows how I tried to fight for us with every fibril of my being. But the reality is creeping into my bones now; it is finally setting in. Indeed, not all great loves last. But ours will remain great, nevertheless.

Almost, as I say. Almost forever. Almost there. Almost us. You are my almost. But just an ALMOST.

Words and photo by FC

[mshmmh]

One day, someone will come along and you're going to be his favorite person. He'll take notes about your favorite food, what your favorite song is, what your favorite clothes are, and how you like your hair done. He'll find out about your first heartbreak and what your first crush's name is. He'll remember your birthday and even your parent's birthdays and their anniversary.

He'll remember the date and the time you said yes and even where you said it. He's going to know where your birth marks are, your scars and how you got it. He's going to discover which movies you love watching and what book you enjoy reading the most. He's going to learn all about your facial expressions, your body language, your mannerisms, the way you hold his hand and the way you look at him.

He's going to know your habits whether it be good or bad and he'll discover everything about your past. He's going to understand why you have trust issues and how you got them in the first place. He's going to know that you've lost many friends along the way and how hard you fought for them to stay.

He's going to learn why it takes you an hour to get ready when he only needs 10 minutes to do so. He's going to know your favorite toppings on your pizza and how much ketchup to put on your fries. He's going to know that you love drinking iced coffee even though it keeps you up awake at night.

He'll find out that you love watching the sun set and you love the sound of the waves crashing at the beach. He'll find out about your dreams of traveling the world and that you'd love to see and experience cherry blossoms.

He's going to know your ambitions, your dreams, your fears, and your insecurities. He's going to know the design of your dream house and the paint job you want for it. He's going to know every detail about your life, page by page, chapter by chapter, line by line, word by word, and letter by letter. He's going to know everything about you and the best part is, he'll always love you.

Everything about the good, the bad, and the dirty about you is what makes you a miracle to him. He's going to read you like a book and while he flips the pages, you can see him smiling like a little kid who got a piece of candy.

He's gonna know you like the back of his hand and you know what? He'll let you know that you're his favorite person in the entire world. When someone loves you so much, the best part is you'll always know that they love you. You'll always do.

[mshmmh]

No relationship is perfect. As much as you would want it to be perfect, it will never be perfect. It's always good before it gets bad, it's always easy before it gets hard, and it always feels perfect before it gets real. You'll always see the best in each other before you bring out the worst of each other. As the connection gets deeper and the attachment gets stronger, that's when you're gonna see just exactly how vulnerable you've made yourself to each other. That's when the flaws and faults start to show themselves. That's when the problems and differences start to settle in. This is where most people give up because now everything is too complicated or too difficult and that's when they try to find someone better, but the thing is even with someone better, it's never going to be perfect. It's not about being with someone better or having that perfect relationship, it's about knowing the value of what you have right in front of you and making it work despite the challenges it may bring. Sure, it feels amazing when you two get along and it feels miserable when you two argue, but the beauty in that is being able to always find your way back to each other when you're on the verge of losing one another because that goes to show that it's something worth fighting for and it's meant to be saved. So there might not such a thing as a perfect relationship, but a beautiful one? Yeah, those do exist because what's beautiful isn't always perfect, and it's something we all deserve.

[mshmmh]

One day, someone will come along and you're going to be his favorite person. He'll take notes about your favorite food, what your favorite song is, what your favorite clothes are, and how you like your hair done. He'll find out about your first heartbreak and what your first crush's name is. He'll remember your birthday and even your parent's birthdays and their anniversary.

He'll remember the date and the time you said yes and even where you said it. He's going to know where your birth marks are, your scars and how you got it. He's going to discover which movies you love watching and what book you enjoy reading the most. He's going to learn all about your facial expressions, your body language, your mannerisms, the way you hold his hand and the way you look at him.

He's going to know your habits whether it be good or bad and he'll discover everything about your past. He's going to understand why you have trust issues and how you got them in the first place. He's going to know that you've lost many friends along the way and how hard you fought for them to stay.

He's going to learn why it takes you an hour to get ready when he only needs 10 minutes to do so. He's going to know your favorite toppings on your pizza and how much ketchup to put on your fries. He's going to know that you love drinking iced coffee even though it keeps you up awake at night.

He'll find out that you love watching the sun set and you love the sound of the waves crashing at the beach. He'll find out about your dreams of traveling the world and that you'd love to see and experience cherry blossoms.

He's going to know your ambitions, your dreams, your fears, and your insecurities. He's going to know the design of your dream house and the paint job you want for it. He's going to know every detail about your life, page by page, chapter by chapter, line by line, word by word, and letter by letter. He's going to know everything about you and the best part is, he'll always love you.

Everything about the good, the bad, and the dirty about you is what makes you a miracle to him. He's going to read you like a book and while he flips the pages, you can see him smiling like a little kid who got a piece of candy.

He's gonna know you like the back of his hand and you know what? He'll let you know that you're his favorite person in the entire world. When someone loves you so much, the best part is you'll always know that they love you. You'll always do.

Ctto

[mshmmh]

[mshmmh]

[mshmmh]

"Falling in love with you was a leap of faith

and conquering my fear of the uncertain.

Falling in love with you was not knowing where I was going

and it was okay because you were there to take me by the hand.

Falling in love with you was pink skies, moonlight

and secrets shared under the stars.

But falling in love with you also meant painful fights and ugly cries.

Falling in love with you was, sometimes, getting a bruised ego and a broken heart.

Falling in love with you was dealing with distance

and the distance felt even when we're right next to each other;

and that's when I was no longer falling for you, that was when I chose to love you.

I chose to love you not because you were perfect,

but because I saw your flaws and loved them because they're a part of you.

I chose to love you not because you always made me feel special

but because you didn't stop loving me,

especially during the days when I become too selfish.

I chose to love you not because you were the ideal person inside my head

but because you made me realize and see the things that matters most through the heart.

I chose to love you not for the grand gestures

but for the little things that count the most.

I chose to love you not for the pounding in my heart

but for the calmness I feel whenever I am with you.

I chose you not only for the spontaneous adventures and shared laughter

but also for the home I find in your arms after a good cry, after a bad fight.

Choosing was so different from falling,

because falling in love meant being overriden by my feelings

and choosing gave me the freedom to love you in the way that I know I can.

Thank you for everything, love—the inside jokes, the memories, the vulnerability, the good and the ugly.

I love you."

Words and photo from Alyssa Joyce Sevilla.

[mshmmh]

[mshmmh]

This Is How I Say I Love You.

I should have laughed harder when you made jokes about silly things instead of just making a chuckle out of it. Perhaps you would have a hint of how I find you funny.

I should have posted stuff about you on my social media account, instead of just tagging you in memes and shit posts that we usually check out whenever we were bored with our lives. Maybe, you'd know, somehow, that I was thinking of you.

I should have written more poetries for you, and entitled each one with your name. Because scribbling formless poetic rhymes with anonymous titles didn't work out for you to find out.

I should have painted your eyes, your nose, your wrinkles and your lips with my paintbrush, instead of just creating an abstract image of my feelings that you couldn't decipher well enough.

I should have stared into your eyes more often than I did instead of just taking a peek whenever you're looking away. Probably you'll know how I really see you.

I should have lent you my books containing love stories and romance, instead of sci-fi and dystopian fiction. Just so, maybe, you could have a clue about my unspoken discern for you.

I should have held your hand tighter, locked my fingers with yours when we were walking by the sea instead of just touching them lightly whenever our elbows accidentally collided. There might have been a slim chance that you'd think I cared more than I do.

I should have embraced you harder the last time we said hi after a long time of not seeing each other. Instead of just tapping you on the shoulder-like a friendly neighbor does. Maybe if I did, you'd finally understand that I'm in love with you.

I should have called you often instead of just sending text messages that lack completeness of thoughts and feelings. I guess if I did, you'd finally understand how I truly feel.

I should have inked my skin with your name instead of just doodling it down at the last page of my journal. Perhaps if I did, you'd know that you're special.

I should have put more emphasis whenever I say that I missed you, or I love you. Or ask you affectionate questions about your life and yourself. I should have spilled my thoughtful statements with elaborative descriptions, directional values, and enough context clues. Maybe you'd figure out that I love you.

But I didn't.

I should have done all of those things.

Maybe you'd know if I did.

But I didn't.

Because when it comes to my feelings about you, I always become a writer who’s out of words, an artist deprived of colors with an empty canvas. I don't know where and how to start. I am silenced by fear, muted by shame, for admitting those three little words might ruin everything. But not being able to voice it out forever is like the worst way to love a person. So I'm doing it now. Sadly, it's too late.

For there she is, the one who had the courage that I never did, the one who took the risk that I failed to try to take. The one you love. The one that I'll never be.

But no matter what happens, I want you to know that seeing you happy makes me happier. This is how I say I love you. This is my act of courage. This is me taking the risk, this is me saying I love you.

by Me-An Villacorta

Photo from the movie Love, Rosie

[mshmmh]

6/5/2019

Contract of Agreement

I promise to never fade slowly

I promise to always tell the truth—

even when it hurts, ESPECIALLY

IF IT HURTS. I promise to never

disappear without a proper goodbye.

I promise to tell you everything—

no matter how small or unimportant

I promise to love you—

I promise to tell you even if

one day I no longer do**

- Shi Collantes

[mshmmh]

10 Things I should have said to you:

1. I love it when you touch my waist with all gentleness that you've got to guide me or when we walk while talking about how our day went.

2. I love it everytime you hold my hands to feel your warmth especially when it's raining outside or when the rain is in my eyes.

3. I love you when you kiss my hands; it makes me feel valuable and royal.

4. I appreciate your laughs and smiles for I know they're genuine.

5. I love the things that makes you happy; things that make your eyes smile. From your favorite band to your favorite viand.

6. I love it when we converse, because we both have ears to listen and lips to open.

7. I hate it when you get jealous out of the blue yet love every second of it because it only shows you want me. I never thought that being in love is confusing —

Heavenly, yes. But confusing.

8. I love your hands for it wasn't as rough and tough as it may seem. It can crush cans but never the hands of the people who means the most for you.

9. I love the way you lend your hands to the people who are in need, your generosity, your kindness and your principles. You are a man of your words.

10. I love you so much and I am starting to hate myself for that. Because, I am responsible of my own actions including inflicting pain that can result to my own —

Death.

I should have said all these things before letting you go,

Before letting us go.

For I was so scared to die that I killed another soul.

How foolish of me to think I can escape pain?

Because I'm still haunted by our memories and tormented by my own regrets.

It is raining now baby

But it is not outside.

—Joenabelle Valenzuela Aragon

Artwork by Kyneth Brian