mttviolet

[mttviolet]

Over the last couple years some people I had imagined being in my life forever have since shown their true colors. Some were people I saw as aunt's, one was my big sister in everything but blood, and others were friends or mentors. It hurt not because they left but they used me or accused me of things that are against my character or beliefs!

I thought I wanted to be a psychologist and one friend thought only about how that could help her ministry in the long run it seams. Till the issue of race came up and she kicked my family out. We had been in that group for a couple of years. Since then friends that we share have asked what really happened. She told them we left when she made it clear we were unwanted there. She contacted my mom this week which is probably why it came back up. Cause the my flesh wants to have that last angry conversation and call her out on her lies! The Godly Daughter in me just wants to wipe the sand from my feet and leave her in the past.

I'm moving in five weeks to an apartment with my sister. The person I saw as a big sister, doesn't even know that we are going to our dream school along with our brother. Not that is isn't posted to were she can see it. I wanted to talk to her about moving away from my parents and going to a big university...how do you do that when all that comes to mind is saying, "Why do you not want me in your life? Why accuse my mom of rascim, when you called her before you married your husband? Im worth mor than out of sight out of mind!" I realized last week that she may always have a place in my heart, but communication is not on me alone.

I'm choosing me! I'm enough and I'm worthy of so much more than how you treated me! God made me to be so much more than someone's tool!

July 2, 2022

[mttviolet]

Marjorie

That's my first name and I share it with many women that my mother knew. One person is my grandmother, I love her dearly, though sometimes the negative overcast the positive.

So to claim my name as my own and distance it from the negative I'm learning what it means.

Pearl

Child of Light

Jewel

The good parts from my grandmother:

Learning to garden with her

Taking care of the box turtles we had

Caring for the cats and kittens living under the back porch

Playing on the Wii with her and my grandpa

Singing along to the radio while doing chores

Learning to coupon from her and my Mom

There are probably more happy moments that will come to mind as I continue to learn about my name!

June 29, 2022

[mttviolet]

In a couple months me and my siblings will be moving out to go to a big university we are transferring to. I'm accepted and we are waiting for them to get accepted! Our parents are happy for us and glad we are going to the same place. The problem is my grandma that lives with us, she has always been a narcissistic, manipulative, and antagonistic women.

Since we started the process of transferring she has started treating us like we are inconveniences to her. Normally I would let that spin me into a tail spin for days, but I'm not the little who thought she was this sweet little lady anymore. I've been healing and finding my grounding again, so here's what I have to say,

"Yes you helped raise me, yes I love you, and yes you are family... I can't live my life by what you think is okay or walking on eggshells that's not fair to me. So deny it all you want, but don't expect me to allow your emotional and verbal abuse to hold onto me anymore. I use to deny it to myself, but I can't now cause I realized you played my siblings and I against each other so that we tore eachother apart at times. Mom didn't see it since she is an only child, but I think dad did and that helped us to move away from you when we were little. So now that I'm grown I and seeing from clear eyes all I can do for my health is love you unconditionally, but with boundaries that protect me!"

At this time is it still to much to pray for her to heal and get over her bull that she is taking out on my family cause we are immediately there to attack?

June 13, 2022

[mttviolet]

So recently I've been doing a lot of thinking and realized that I've been in a state of grieving for quite longer than I thought.

What brought this up, I had to say see you later to a treasured furbaby on the 8th of April! While I miss her I know where she is, Heaven with all the others ny family has loved and returned to God.

The problem is the people I've been grieving aren't dead, they have no want or need of me and my family in their lives it seems. While they aren't the first the ones what truly hurt was one I thought was a big sister. Someone I would have called when I got accepted to my dream school, but didn't even think of cause she hurt my family in one of the worst ways I can think of... She probably doesn't even realize it and even then I forgive her.

I know "why would I forgive her" and it's simple, because I still have love for her even though my trust in her has substantially changed. The relationship we had will probably never be the same if we even have one.

Do I still want her in my life? Yeah... Will I live without her? Yep...

I'm done grieving for someone who doesn't want me. I'm more than enough and I shouldn't have to fight for someone who on some level knows she screwed up.

April 30, 2022

[mttviolet]

Hufflepuff in General Pyschology. Teacher jumps topics like a squirrel going after nuts. Slytherin meets Hufflepuff after classes for lunch. Slytherin planned the lunch date and spoils Hufflepuff!

Scene: Its a Thursday, Hufflepuff has classes Tuesday and Thursday. Middle class restaurant that offers steak. Slytherin already at a table waiting for food that he already ordered for both of them.

Hufflepuff: ^Be cool. Just go and have a calm lunch with Sly. You'll get all your reading done when you get home.^ Hey Honey. How's your day going?

Slytherin: *Definitely avoiding something. I haven't done anything. Will find out while waiting.* Days going well found out my last quiz for History 2 came back better than expected. So hows your day been sugar?

Hufflepuff: ^Keep calm and breath!^ First class went smoothly as can be expected. Federal Government was actually canceled, but no one got the notice. We called our Professor and finally got a text back saying that class had been canceled.

Slytherin: *Shes giggling about Gov being canceled. So she is definitely annoyed with her first class.* Anything interesting happen with those 20-30 minutes?

Hufflepuff: ^Completely distracted by story she is telling.^ Well while we were waiting at the 14 minute mark, one of classmates walks in stops by the podium looks around confused. A few of say he's not here yet, so he turns around and walks out. 16 minute mark hits still no teacher. One girl suggest making an attendance sheet and slipping it into his office. During the first few people signing the paper. We get the text saying notice should have been on the door about class cancellation. Classmate who had walked out walks back in signs paper and leaves. The rest of us follow suit.

Slytherin: *Watches Giggling Hufflepuff. Okay time to hit the earlier class.* Cool! Now I already order steaks for both of us with extra broccoli and a side of avacoda. *Gets a questioning look from Huff!* Yes yours will be rare.

Hufflepuff: ^Has figured out that he distracted her so he can now get answers.^ You want to know what happend in Pysch don't you?

Slytherin: *One step at a time.* Yes, I would because something is obviously on your nerves.

Hufflepuff: ^Smooth Sly very smooth!^ His class was supposed to be structured, but turns out he doesn't like grades, but has to give them. He spends the first 20-30 minutes talking about random stuff. Then jumps into parts of Anatomy and Physiology that is involved in Pyschology! There is no order and he is monotone as heck so he puts me to sleep!!

Slytherin: *That explains the facts she texts me during that class time, then goes silent for Fed. Gov.* We discussed the possibility of taking your knitting with you, because you learn in a kinesthetic and aural form. Did you take your knitting this time? *Huff shakes her head no.*

Hufflepuff: ^Well this is going smoothly. Note the sarcastic thoughts.^ I forgot, because my twin and I got up late. We were rushing and I almost forgot my bag completely.

Slytherin: *I will get her that small sorting back for her knitting and make sure she has it setup for her class next week.* So food should be here in 5 minutes and you texted earlier you have reading you need to do. Would you like help so that you can actually absorb the information?

Hufflepuff: ^Sly to the rescue. Hopefully he doesn't mind reading the two Fedral Gov chapters outloud while making sense of them for me.^ Yes, Please! Oh high and mighty Political Science Major!!! Before or after the gym though?

Slytherin: *Right. Forgot we were going to the gym.* Read today, gym tomorrow, because we both know that we will end up napping on the couch instead of going the reading.*Huff makes a motion to interrupt.* We can go to the gym for two hours tomorrow!

Hufflepuff: ^I wish he wasn't right, but he is.^ Agreed. Foods behind you!!!

Slytherin: *Shes good and really tearing into her food.* Slow down you have time.

Tuesday February 11, 2020

[mttviolet]

Purely Imagination here!

Scene: Hufflepuff 20 year old girl who knits! Slytherin 22 year old boy. Huff bas been unreachable for almost five days. Her boyfriend Sly is worried, so he drops by her house.

Slytherin: Huff why have you been ghosting me? *Yells Sly as he walks into her living room.*

Hufflepuff: ^Startles severely. Looks up from copious amount of yarn, assortment of knitting needles, and random finished projects.^ I...I.. I'm positive I texted you yesterday... where is it.

Slytherin: *Watches as Huff searches through her belongings to find her phone and flinches when she sees the date. She drops her phone and grips her hands together.* Sweetie what happened? You haven't gone into withdrawn mode in months. Did I do something?

Hufflepuff: ^Head shoots straight up on final question and shakes her head no.^ No! You didn't do anything at all... ^She shakes her head and untangles her hands from the yarn on her lap.^ I had to get yarn and new needles, the pair I needed broke. I ran into some friends turned bullies after I tried stop them from hurting others...

Slytherin: *He watches her as she shuts off slightly, then furrows her brow.* What did they do angel cake?

Hufflepuff: ^Stares at him as she grips at her arms. Breathes in and out trying to pace with the movement of Slys chest.^ They didn't know I started knitting when we stopped being friends. That it was and is my stress reliever. They started to make jokes about me becoming an old cat lady early. Then... Then... ^She starts to hyperventilate slightly.^

Slytherin: *In one quick gesture of wordless and wandless magic all of Huffs knitting materials return to their rightful places. Sly sits beside her in a flash. He pulls her hands to rest on his chest.* Breathe, follow my breathing. I'm here you dont have to rush.

Hufflepuff: ^Her breathing settles, but she leaves her hands on his heart.^ Then Ravenclaw said that she would take you somehow and she sounded so sure of herself. I was so scared that in that moment it could be true. ^She pulls a hand from Slys chest and rubs her outstretched arm.^

Slytherin: *He watches her hand and then stares at her arm revealed from the loose long sleeve move up her arm. Bruises the shape of her hands show.* Huff you could never loose me to her no matter what happens.

Hufflepuff: ^She stares into his eyes still rubbing her arm.^ I..I tries to come home and knit the thoughts out, but that just made me thinking of the knitting jibes. They said you would get tired of me knitting.

Slytherin: *Slytherin growls slightly.* Honey, when you knit I can feel your magic not only humming but singing! What do you feel your magic saying as you knit?

Hufflepuff: ^Her eyes widen as if she didn't realize what her magic did. Which was possibly, because she was never sure of her magical strength.^ I feel it pour love and fresh air...no life into it as if releasing not only me, but those who receive something I made... From whats holding them down.

Slytherin: *He smiles a goofy smile at her.* Every single project you start makes me smile, because I get to see you explore new patterns, new yarns. I could never get bored, because I enjoy watching you and just relaxing with you. You cuddle your back into my side as we watch a movie and you knitting soothingly away.

Hufflepuff: ^She reveals this huge smile and lunges to hug him. He hears her adorable purr come out of her.^ I'm so glad, because I don't know what I would have done if God had said you weren't the one for me.

Slytherin: *Sly smiles and rubs her back gently. Then pulls away slightly with a broad smile on his face.* Now I believe I need to get you a calming draught so you can sleep. As well as bruise removal paste for those bruises on your arms.

Hufflepuff: ^She freezes and nods accepting it.^ I should have just come to you as soon as I felt the panic rising. ^Sly grabs her chin gently but firmly tilting it up. She stares at his loving, but stern eyes.^

Slytherin: Yes, you should have, but by no means do you need to beat yourself up for not. You were panicking and couldn't think clearly. *Sly watches as she relaxes more and settles back into the couch.* Now let me get those potions than we are both going to get some sleep. Cause I havent slept the last two days and no it wasn't your fault.

Hufflepuff: ^She nods then pulls a blanket from under the coffee table. She hears Sly come back from the kitchen with the potions.^ I think I'll pass out as soon as the calming draught hits my system. Can you apply the bruise removal salve?

Slytherin: *Sly watches as she tries not to move her arms mutch. He realizes that her arms must be sore and extremely heavy feeling after knitting for four days straight.* Yes, I can. Then you will take the calming draught and we will eat when we wake up.

Hufflepuff: ^She watches him apply the salve and then she relaxes into his side as he settles onto the couch her. Sly holds the bottle to her lips and tilts it back slowly as Huff let her facade fall. Her exhaustion shows through.^ Thank you!

Slytherin: *He smiles as she falls asleep head and body turned towards him. Nose nuzzling into his neck. She starts to kitten snore in matter of seconds. He smiles.* Entering inner thoughts: I thought I was losing her Thank you God I'm not.

Shortly after Slytherin joins her in slumber and for the first time in days everything feels whole.

February 1st, 2020

[mttviolet]

Fur Baby

A child covered in fur.

Most people say it's just an animal, but they don't know how wrong they are.

Furry children are with you through some of the hardest times of your life.

They purr or bark when you come into a room, and they cuddle with you.

They show unconditional love every second of their lives.

When they pass away it feels like part of your hearts been destroyed.

You hear phantom barks and meows like they are still there.

They are still there you just can't physically touch, see, or smell them, but you feel their presence in your heart.

These furry children who have different personalities are so special, and you don't regret a single day shared with them.

We fight for them be it illness, judgy people, abuse from a previous owner.

They aren't just a possession they are family.

They bring a special kind of light to our lives, and teach us what unconditional love is.

No matter how young or old we get them we love them with all we have.

They love us with all of their hearts, and they fight to stay with us.

For those fur babies we still have and the ones we will see one day in Heaven.

I love you my furry child!!!💜💜💜

August 1, 2019

To Grace my beautiful 6 year pup and Tigger my little snow leopard 18 year old cat. I'll miss you forever. See you in Heaven eventually!

[mttviolet]

February 5, 2015

Just found this! I wrote it a long time ago! God opens doors everyday for you to help someone else.

[mttviolet]

Not Temporary!

You said my faith in God was temporary.

Proceeded to walk out of my life cause I was still following him.

The truth was you were hoping your disbelief in me would tear me down...

But, I fought against the doubt and your spiteful words.

He isn't temporary in my life, because I believe in him.

You were temporary because you thought I'd give him up for your lies...

You wanted to be idolized by me, but you aren't my King.

The Glorious King I serve told me you were there for a season.

December 30, 2018 8:30 P.M.

[mttviolet]

Fix Me?

I've been told that I need to fix me.

Told my personality was an unwanted variable.

What does that mean? Why is my personality unwanted?...

They said, "You don't fit in. Your not normal!"

Normal is not a fixed variable it's always changing.

Why fix me when I'm normal to me?...

After all I wasn't created to fit your normal.

I was created to be unique, to be one of a kind.

So why would I fix me when I'm created to be me!

My answer is I will not fix me because I don't need fixing!

Created by a Glorious King as a one of kind being!

If anyone is going to fix me it will be Jesus my creator and savior!

Remember God created you!

December 30, 2018 6:00 P.M.

[mttviolet]

Wings

You tried to cut your wings off, but I got in the way.

Cause even though it's to crowded to soar across the sky right now.

Just wait, because it won't always be this way!

Open your eyes and look around you.

There is a clear spot up ahead where you can spread your wings.

Your wings carry you through life!

They may not look like wings.

They can be anything, but remember wings heal slowly so be careful with them!

October 4, 2018 12:09 A.M.

[mttviolet]

FlashBack

The headaches comes at first like pricking my finger on a needle.

Then it feels like a sledgehammer hitting me repeatedly.

I feel like I can't breath momentarily.

But then the worst part comes.

A memory that I don't want to recall.

It feels like forever as it plays over in my head, but really it's only a few seconds.

I snap out of it and breath.

I hum a tune that relaxes me.

And think of something happy like my grandpas laugh.

Flashback's hold no place in determining the future.

9/20/2018 3:00 A.M.

[mttviolet]

Adultish

At 18 your proclaimed an Adult, but you aren't ready.

To mature to be a kid, but to unprepared to be an adult.

You state "I'm not ready", because your still growing up and learning what Adult means.

Teach me what it means to be an adult, Please?

Don't lecture me if I mess up, because I'm watching and listening to learn.

Calmed down your at the adultish faze of your life.

Breath you'll understand what adult means before you know it.

September 11, 2018 1:25 A.M.

[mttviolet]

It's My Heart

I'm so sick of people treating my heart like it's a playground.

It isn't a playground so back off, because your waking the Demon in me and she isn't happy!

I may look like a cute and cuddly sweetheart, but that doesn't mean I can't be scary.

As the saying goes, "Nothing is always what it appears to be!"

My heart is not meant to be taken advantage of.

I love to help people and be there when you need me.

That doesn't mean I'll be quite when you bully me or my family.

Cause if you mess with me then you've crossed a line that you can't come back from.

I guard my heart fiercely so if I made the mistake of trusting you don't expect for me to do it again.

But if by some chance I trust you and you do it again don't be surprised when I lock you out of my heart and delete you from my life.

[mttviolet]

Scars

What you can see and what you can't see!

They aren't always visible, but they are there.

Your reminded everyday, and sometimes they effect you, but other times they don't.

People say things opening an invisible wound, and sometimes they know the scar exists.

Most of the time they don't know its there until after they've hurt you.

Bruises, and pain fade from the body, but stay in the mind.

Physical scars don't go away.

If you have visible scars Your stronger than you think cause you're still here!

....

I just want to let you know your loved scars and all! Ignore those that say things when they don't know you and even when they do know you, because they have no right to harm you with words! You have backup they are hard to see through the pain, but they are there! God loves you!!!

[mttviolet]

Darkness

There’s a place in my mind I slip into sometimes.

It’s not a nice place or a comfortable place.

One could describe it as my inner demon resting there.

Sometimes I walk right past it leaving the darkness around it as a clue saying,

“Your to close sweetheart! Walk away and walk fast!”

The thing is the darkness can move so I’ll walk straight into it or right under it.

Darkness something I seek when I want to hide, but something I run from when I want to be out and around.

Darkness is just the absent of light.

Darkness gives peace at night, but can mean worry in the day when you can’t see where your going!

[mttviolet]

Following

Trying to see where I fit, but can't find the Sun.

Battles not lost yet God's leading the way for me.

I just can't tell where I'm meant to be yet.

One day he'll tell me I'm right where he wants me.

Until then I'll follow his lead cause his steps are steady and sure while mine will falter.

They say standing back up is the hardest part, but I think they have it mixed up.

Cause following is where you have to have patience and know when to hold your tongue.

Following is a battle in and of it's own right.