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In the back of my mind, it's always there.

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I’m feeling like 3 bottles of alcohol with a side of cutting all my friends off tonight.

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Sometimes, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I had actually died that night.

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I think that, in the end, I was just competing with myself to prove that I too could be loved despite being the horrible person I am. I guess this random feeling of spite, determination or whatever it was helped me feel more like a human being sometimes.

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Every couple of weeks, I have the same crippling realization that I am always going to be this way for the rest of my life and this isn’t some dream or whatever that I’ll wake up from soon. Like, this is real life and I’m actually suffering and it’s not funny anymore.

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When I’m upset about a situation I’m stuck in and then remember I was the reason I got myself in said predicament in the first place.

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“I am a forest fire. And I am the fire and I am the forest. And I am a witness watching it.”

‘A Burning Hill’ — Mitski

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When the feeling I’ve been pushing down is resurfacing and it triggers a bunch of other shit like a domino effect.

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I wish there was a better word than bored. Bored doesn't begin to describe it. The unending fucking search for entertainment. Like, meeting new people is supposed to be exciting, right? Their thoughts are interesting, they surprise you, even. But you'll have them all figured out in a week or two. They'll be halfway through a conversation with you, and then the indifference and irritation hit all at once. "Why am I listening to this? I've heard this before. God, you're annoying, please stop talking at me and fuck off already." So you distance yourself, and move on to the next person with anything interesting to say. And that same feeling that poisons every friendship, poisons everything else you do. And you're self aware, so you know that it'll happen, too. Even the act of becoming bored is predictable. Boring. Boring. Boring. And we use the same word for it as we do for being stuck in a dry meeting at work.

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I have logical solutions for emotional situations. I am not good at support, but I am good at recognizing patterns.

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Why is it so hard for you to understand that the existence of our system is for our survival and not for your entertainment? No, we will not switch for you. I don’t care who you prefer or who you personally liked. We don’t owe you anything. We will not give you anything.

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*Me when I get home after interacting with a bunch of people*

“Did I seem human enough today?”:

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Being black and mentally ill has me feeling like a fucking joke. Apparently, I’m abusing substances because there’s absolutely no way I’m actually mentally ill. No, no, that’s a myth. According to them: “black people don’t get sick, that’s white people shit.” ..?? Are we not human too???? We are not immune to developing disorders, people. But unfortunately, to them it’s like this made up concept and in their eyes, the professionals “must be lying.”

And with being trans, apparently, I am just confused and probably just a lesbian… like what?? My gender identity has nothing to do with my sexual orientation and I wish they’d stop coming up with that conclusion.

Also the term “Psychopath” has been thrown around more and more every time someone does something that doesn’t fit their ideal image of a “respectable person” and it can be something as simple as some person driving too fast on the road. It never made sense and it’s only adding to the problems we face. Racism, stereotypes, stigmatization, etc, The more closed-minded the community is, the more we are adding to our own problems/struggles.

You can’t push for respect and acceptance outside the community while still being unaccepting and cruel to the people within that same community.

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How I look staring at that “I love you, Goodnight” text on a Saturday night after I impulsively gotten myself involved with someone just because I was bored:

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Kamikaze Girls (2004)

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Everytime I get that high where absolutely nothing matters, I feel like I’m me again.

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So are we just not human? Is that it? Are we so “demented”, “dangerous” and “insane” to you to the point where we can no longer feel therefore, we must be heinous monsters? Or do you just hate to admit that we were once children who have endured too much, way more than anyone should have to go through? That all the trauma and suffering has altered our brains completely to the extent of being devoid or somewhat lacking of certain emotions and traits that you “normal people” count as a must-have? That our trauma actually affects us in the long run and it’s not some romanticized movie portrayal of it? That we are a result of other people’s actions and that it was never our fault in the first place? We never asked for any of this, yet you act as if we’ve brought this upon ourselves. What is it about us that intimidates you so bad to the point of dehumanization? Is it because we are unforgiving? Is it because we had to be more rough and brutal just to get somebody to stop? To listen? To give back the control we never had? The result of trauma shows up in all kinds of ways and it’s just something you’re going to have to accept. You complain how it’s not easy being around “people like us” but we’re the people you’re describing. We’re the ones who live with it, you’ve only witnessed it. It’s not going to go away because you don’t like it. Fear is presented in different ways. You seem to forget that when one person choses flight or freeze, someone else is going to choose fight. We’re not going to water ourselves down to make it easier for you to swallow. If you can’t accept the fact that we are victims too, then you can choke.