my-innervoice

[my-innervoice]

[my-innervoice]

I don't even know how to start.

My girlfriend and I are going through some troubles. I don't know if she sees it the same way as I do, maybe it's just me and I see problems everywhere.

Ya all know my lazy fat ass HATES to workout, like, really, I just don't like it. I am fat AF but I hate to working out. Not just because I am lazy but also I am very impatient and if I don't see results very soon, I just quit. Is this just my thing? I hope I am not the most impatient person in the world, LOL. She is the opposite of me, she keeps trying and trying and I think she kinda love it. Good for her! But what worries me is that she is not going to like me anymore when she will be fit, gorg bombshell and I will be just sitting in my garden chair and drink my Cola with all of my 82kg. That's my current weight. And I am sorry but I love my Cola and my garden chair, I don't want to work out.

Yall maybe wonder why tf I am sitting at the garden chair. Well, our sofa is the worst so we bought garden chairs. Much better! It looks funny, we literally have garden chairs in the living room but whatever. It is not our apartment and we don't have money for a new sofa. Actually we don't have money for anything soooo...

Another thing what worries me. Today we ordered food. I am that one who is shopping, going for the post, I AM doing almost EVERYTHING what needs a social interaction. My dear girlfriend has a social phobia. So. Everytime we order a food I am going to take it. Today I felt like a shit so I hoped she is going to be like "ok babe I will go this time". Nope. She got mad at me. Ok girl. I am that bitch which is doing everything here and you can't even bring food once?! I am so mad at her. When I felt like a shit, when I was crying, being scared, having a fkn MENTAL BREAKDOWN, whatever you can imagine I ALWAYS went to shop, went over there and there and she is mad at me because ONCE she has to go to take a food for us?! Uuuughh. Nope. Now she is sitting next to me, we aren't talking and she is still mad at me, I can feel it. I am about to start yelling like a crazy. Is this normal? I am doing everything for her and she can't even bring me my burger and Cola once per year??? Giiirl...

Uf. What an amazing day!!! I hope yours was better. And I hope that your partner brings you a food without getting mad at you.

I need a fuckin MIRACLE to happen in my life.

[my-innervoice]

person: are you okay? you seem so tired all the time.

me: *internally dying because of the depression and suicidal thoughts*

me: oh. i just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night

[my-innervoice]

Feeling like a shit today.

I have so many questions in my mind but no answers.

My doctor gave me a new pills - I am so fcnk tired after them. I have a have feeling it is going to be only worse and worse. Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore...

[my-innervoice]

Ever been so sad and broken that you can’t move. So you just sit there, frozen, paralyzed by your pain and suffer. Because that’s all you can do.

[my-innervoice]

“I’m not afraid of dying. Pieces of me die all the time.”

— Sage Francis

[my-innervoice]

I feel trapped in my own mind.

I don't see any way out of this. Nothing helps me. Doctors, pills, whatever. One day I will kill myself anyway...

[my-innervoice]

i need a shirt that says “dont ask me what im doing with my life im trying not to kill myself”

[my-innervoice]

[my-innervoice]

It is a mad world we live in:

You tell them you are tired, they tell you you are lazy. 

You tell them you are sad, they tell you you are seeking for attention. 

You keep silent, they tell you to participate. 

You act noisy to shut the voices up, they tell you you are a crazy bitch. 

You feel numb out if insomnia, they tell you you are acting rude. 

You ask for help, they do not listen. 

You starve yourself, they force you to eat. 

You harm yourself, they do not even notice. 

[my-innervoice]

So true...

[my-innervoice]

depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.

[my-innervoice]

[my-innervoice]

[my-innervoice]

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[my-innervoice]