mylifewithptsd123

[mylifewithptsd123]

Hyperarousal

Ah hyperarousal: the constant feeling of being on edge. Jittery, on the lookout for disaster, irritability, quick to anger, startled by loud noises, difficulty sleeping, inability to concentrate on one thing... they list paranoia but I think that in my situation there have been genuine reasons to feel threatened. Obviously, over time, this will exhaust someone. I know I shouldn't be surprised at this point by how people behave because in basically every job I've been at I've been running around with clear symptoms of PTSD and all people do is distance themselves. I am so angry all of the time. The hyperaware, hyperalert thing benefitted me in a chaotic workplace, but goddamn it, where the fuck is everyone when you finally can't take it anymore.

Physical Signs:

Restlessness: Constantly fidgeting, pacing, or being unable to sit still.

Exaggerated Startle Response: Jumping or reacting strongly to unexpected sounds, movements, or touches.

Difficulty Sleeping: Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep due to feeling "on edge" or hypervigilant.

Physical Tension: Tight muscles, clenched jaw, or headaches caused by chronic stress.

Racing Heart: Increased heart rate, shallow breathing, or sweating even in calm situations.

Well, I constantly fidget, can't sit still, am constantly looking for things to do, cannot relax... the startle reaction at this point has just become embarrassing and slowly debilitating the context of not being able to be in loud places or go cycling near traffic. As for sleeping, I don't even remember a time where I could sleep properly... The physical tension thing is funny because for a long time I could ignore it but my teeth are pretty much falling out of my head from clenching and I have been to physio and a special dentist for the insane jaw pain... nevermind the chronic life-long neck pain. Headaches? Constant and severe. The stomach pain. And as for the breathing, I am constantly being told to relax and that all my muscles are stiff and that I don't breathe deeply or properly.

Emotional Signs:

Irritability: Becoming easily annoyed or angered, often over minor triggers.

Anxiety or Panic: Persistent feelings of unease or episodes of acute fear and panic.

Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning the environment for threats, feeling unsafe even in secure settings.

Overwhelm: Struggling to manage multiple stimuli, such as noise, crowds, or conflict.

I definitely became more annoyed and angered towards the end there... maybe it's always there but I bottle it up and then don't say the right thing to the right people and let it simmer. Anxiety is chronic. I cannot remember a time without fear. Constantly scan for threats, which is all I see now... cars, bicycles, heights... not sure why I always worry about physical injury considering I never really have been physically injured... and yet feel no threats late at night or alone... as for overwhelm... for a long time I was completely fine... high levels of stress management... and then eventually I melted down and cannot handle anything.

Cognitive and Behavioral Signs:

Trouble Concentrating: Difficulty focusing on tasks due to intrusive thoughts or being overly alert to the environment.

Reactivity to Triggers: Disproportionate responses to certain sounds, smells, or situations tied to past trauma.

Avoidance of Stimuli: Actively avoiding places or situations that might provoke hyperarousal, such as crowded spaces or confrontations.

Impulsivity or Aggression: Acting out of heightened emotional states, sometimes as a way to regain control.

Well, the trouble concentrating only happened towards the end... and the strong reactions... my bosses are genuinely cunts so... I honestly think my reactions were appropriate so fuck everyone. Avoiding people, I sure as fuck avoided my boss. I begged fo help constantly from HR.. Just utterly useless.

Examples in Daily Life:

Feeling startled and anxious when hearing a loud noise, such as a door slamming, and taking a long time to calm down.

Always needing to face the exit or monitor the room in social situations, feeling unsafe unless all variables are controlled.

Overreacting emotionally or physically to being touched unexpectedly, even by someone familiar.

Struggling to relax, constantly feeling as if "something bad is about to happen."

Avoiding sleep because of fear of nightmares or losing vigilance.

Yeah all of that. I always need to be able to escape. Feeling trapped is terrible for me. Sleeping, I finally figured out I stay up late because it's quiet and safe and then I get more and more worried as the night goes on because the threat of my dad freaking out loomed heavily. I don't know if the sleep thing is about losing vigilance but maybe.

Apparently you can only push through for so long before your body gives up. So that is where we are now. Everyone sucks, you can't depend on anyone.

[mylifewithptsd123]

Intrusive Thoughts

One of the key diagnostic criteria of PTSD is "intrusive thoughts" which means:

Recurrent, involuntary, and distressing memories of the traumatic event.

Flashbacks, which can feel like reliving the trauma.

Nightmares about the traumatic event or related themes.

Intense emotional or physical distress when reminded of the trauma (e.g., hearing a sound or seeing an object linked to the event).

Now here's the thing about flashbacks: they are not in fact like watching a movie of what happened. But the thing where you go over the same event over and over and over and over and tell everyone about it over and over and over and then try to figure out how you're going to solve it or control what happens next to avoid more catastrophe? That is in fact a flashback. You are trapped in the same moment over and over and over. You can't stop thinking about it.

PTSD is really poorly depicted in movies. But the constant reliving and feeling like it's still happening, as opposed to a memory... that is PTSD...

Full Flashbacks: The person is entirely immersed in the traumatic memory, losing awareness of their current surroundings.

Partial Flashbacks: The person may feel strong emotions or physical sensations tied to the trauma without fully losing awareness of the present.

So there you go.

And then of course you try to avoid things that remind you of what happened. I never felt like I was going through a flashback but like instead just stuck inside of something I couldn't get out of. Reliving everything constantly. Or shoving it down really deep and avoiding things. But of course after a while all you do is avoid things, and shove them down, and avoid triggers, and feel constantly on edge and worried...

1. Core Symptoms of PTSD

Intrusive Memories: Recurrent, distressing memories or flashbacks of traumatic events.

Hyperarousal: Constant feeling of being "on edge," heightened startle response, or difficulty relaxing.

Avoidance: Efforts to avoid people, places, or situations that trigger trauma-related memories.

Emotional Numbing: Difficulty feeling joy or connection, leading to detachment or disinterest in life.

2. Emotional Dysregulation

Intense, Uncontrollable Emotions: Extreme sadness, anger, or fear that feels overwhelming and hard to manage.

Chronic Shame or Guilt: Persistent feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, or self-blame.

Emotional Numbing: An inability to feel emotions fully, often as a coping mechanism.

3. Interpersonal Difficulties

Difficulty Trusting Others: Fear of betrayal or abandonment, often leading to guardedness.

Fear of Intimacy: Avoidance of close relationships or struggles with vulnerability.

Conflict or Dependence: Patterns of either avoiding relationships altogether or clinging to unhealthy ones.

4. Negative Self-Perception

Low Self-Esteem: Persistent feelings of being flawed, unworthy, or unlovable.

Self-Criticism: Harsh inner dialogue and inability to accept or believe positive feedback.

Identity Confusion: Struggling to understand one’s sense of self or purpose in life.

5. Persistent Dissociation

Feeling Detached from Reality: Experiencing life as if in a fog, dream, or as an observer rather than a participant.

Memory Lapses: Difficulty recalling events from the traumatic period or other aspects of life.

Out-of-Body Experiences: Feeling disconnected from one’s physical body during moments of stress or flashbacks.

6. Chronic Physical Symptoms

Somatic Complaints: Frequent headaches, stomach issues, chronic pain, or fatigue linked to stress.

Sleep Disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, or waking frequently due to hypervigilance.

Panic-like Symptoms: Racing heart, sweating, or difficulty breathing when triggered.

7. Cognitive Impairments

Negative Thoughts: Pervasive negativity about oneself, others, or the world.

Difficulty Concentrating: Trouble focusing on tasks or maintaining attention.

Overthinking/Rumination: Repeatedly analyzing situations, often with a focus on worst-case scenarios.

8. Behavioral Patterns

Avoidance: Isolating from people, activities, or situations to avoid emotional triggers.

Overworking or Perfectionism: Using work or achievements to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

Self-Destructive Behaviors: Engaging in risky behaviors, substance abuse, or neglecting self-care.

9. Feelings of Hopelessness

Chronic Despair: Persistent feelings of hopelessness about the future or inability to imagine a better life.

Loss of Purpose: Difficulty finding meaning in life or feeling disconnected from goals and values.

I mean yeah, all of that.

When I remember things I still feel how I did when they happened. In terms of constantly feeling on edge, that has only gotten worse through the years and now I can't even cycle because I'm too jumpy. I avoid people, and places, and delete people. I stopped feeling happiness a long time ago and lost interest in everything. My anger is constant and uncontrollable, as well as terror. I worry constantly. I feel like everything is my fault, I am full of shame. But also I just sort of feel numb. I gave up on dating and don't trust anyone. I either avoid relationships or cling to bad ones. I have non-existent self-esteem, I hate myself and criticise myself harshly, and I have no purpose. I disassociate from reality, and can't remember things. I step out of my body in times of trauma or confrontation and feel like I'm watching myself from the outside.

The body issues have only ramped up over the years. I always got headaches, but unexplained stomach pain has become constant and worrying. My back hurts. I'm tired but when it's time to sleep anxiety takes over and I can't sleep and fear sleeping the next day. Nightmares and disrupted sleep are the norm.

When something worries me, I feel panic and sick to my stomach, like I'll collapse. Anything, like a letter from FSK or an email from work, I just feel panic and overwhelmed. I feel like I can't breathe.

I think I am the worst, that people are garbage and that the world is garbage. I can no longer pay attention to anything. I constantly ruminate in a way that is destroying my life and exhausting me, repeatedly analyzing situations, often with a focus on worst-case scenarios. I don't understand why no one ever identified this as a symptom of CPTSD ever because this is by far the most crippling aspect of it.

I avoid people, things, going places. That or I want to escape. I absolutely use work and achievements to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. And I have patterns of self destructive behaviour including drinking way too much and sex and escaping and god knows what else. I cannot imagine a better life. I feel nothing but hopelessness. I have no meaning in life, no purpose. My life is disconnected from my goals and values.

I find it impossible to believe life will ever be better than this. I am so fucking tired.

[mylifewithptsd123]

Resources

I have asked people with CPTSD how they have helped themselves in the absence of being able to afford care, because people with CPTSD find it difficult to hold jobs and are often on sick leave.

Books

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving - Pete Walker

Tao of Fully Feeling - Pete Walker

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay Gibson

The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk

Reinventing Your Life - Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

Letting Go - David Hawkins

No Bad Parts - Richard Schwartz

A Path With Heart - Jack Kornfield

Emotional Clearing - John Ruskan

Focusing - Eugene Gendlin

YouTube

Yoga

Mike Chang

Heidi Priebe

Other

Hiking

Sleeping

ACT Therapy worksheets online

Journalling

Self EMDR

ChatGPT

Emoting

Podcasts

Trauma Rewired

Reddit

The Tactics of Manipulation and Control (In Sheep's Clothing, by George Simon Peter)

Automatic Thoughts (Cognitive behavioral Therapy by Lawrence Wallace)

Intrusive Thoughts (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Lawrence Wallace)

Attribution and Rumination

 Mental Conditions and their Effects

Healing from Hidden Abuse Shannon Thomas

Internalizing what others say and do

[mylifewithptsd123]

My First Post

I have decided to write about my experience of living with CPTSD, both to help me come to terms with my own situation and to help someone else who may stumble upon this. Normally when I write I spend a lot of time editing and ensuring I have expressed myself with absolute clarity. This is probably not going to be to my usual standard. I have no intention of publishing this beyond the confines of this blog that likely no one can find.

I was diagnosed with PTSD for the first time at age 44 or so, after a traumatic event at work sent me into a spin of panic and fear so severe that I quit my job rather than go to a doctor every two weeks to argue that I was too sick to work. It took probably six months of unemployment for the medical system to eventually get around to diagnosing me and at the time the country I live in did not recognise CPTSD as a diagnosis so they forced me to concentrate on this incident and this incident only, and would have treated me for that incident and that incident only.

The treatment offered to me was CBT and I declined as by that point I was already seeing a therapist, a somatic experiencing practitioner, and a neurofeedback practitioner. But then I ran out of money, needed a job, and my mother died which put the brakes on everything and I spent 2.5 months in shock taking care of my father until I started a new job.

I burned myself out hard at the new job, working my fucking ass off, doing two and then three jobs under ridiculous conditions, convinced that I had to prove myself, that I would avoid disaster by being the best, afraid of more unemployment, embarrassed by the role I had taken and the salary I had accepted, determined to reach my former stature.

I also happened to find a deeply toxic workplace where my boss was on sick leave for mental health reasons, I was left without training or support and left to deal with absolute chaos. All I did was work and work and work until I couldn't read, couldn't think, couldn't remember and my behaviour was so deeply erratic that people around me became concerned.

Initially, I was diagnosed with burnout/exhaustion. But after 7 months of limited recovery, the burnout rehabilitation specialists reminded me I had been diagnosed with PTSD, which I seemed to have blocked out entirely.

I was referred back to the PTSD people who now recognise CPTSD and offer EMDR. And so here I sit in a months' long queue, not at work, terrified of job loss, poverty, mental illness and everything else, trying to rebuild my life.

It has become apparent to me that this has been building since childhood but my behaviours have become so pronounced that they are impossible to ignore. I not only cannot work, I cannot hold a job. It wasn't always like this but there has always been this feeling of impending doom looming on the horizon, and the only way I know how to cope is to plan, to work, and to constantly envision worst case scenarios and contingency plans. My life has become nothing else but trying to avoid disaster.

The part that might bother me the most though is the complete lack of accurate representation of PTSD in any and all media: you do not in fact watch a movie of the bad thing that happened to you. Instead, you constantly think about what happened, over and over and over, or better yet, shove it down and concentrate on anything else... working hard, a toxic relationship, whatever... you escape and burn things down. You avoid. You live in a pile of shame. It's a mess. But there is no watching of mental movies.

I have spent my entire life spinning over and over and over traumatic events, talking about them to the point that I exhaust everyone around me and lose friendships. I am jumpy and scared of everything. I have negative views of myself and others. It is hard at this point to understand what of my personality isn't PTSD.

It is exhausting and expensive to be mentally ill. And no one understands it. The best I can say is that PTSD makes people feel sorry for you, as opposed to schizophrenia, where people think you're diseased, dangerous and contagious. As far as stigmas go, I sort of lucked out, but still, so many people have just disappeared, unable to deal with how I am.