myloveliestmistake - Tumblr blog

[myloveliestmistake]

i wrote a list poem for the first time today and i'm weirdly here for it.

"the places i want to escape to"

every blossoming magnolia tree i see

in the tension before a storm breaks the sky

the daydreams i already have

the swell in my chest when music moves me

between all the words i've ever collected

basking in every sunbeam i've ever photographed

in the words whispered over a phone late at night

the smell of my grandmothers pumpkin bread

the muffled blanket of silence after it snows

between the covers of antique books colored with age

under the hammers of type writer keys

in every barefoot summer walk

in the crunch of every dry fallen autumn leaf

the feel of dough kneeded with bare hands

in the cool ebb and flow of salt water

the smooth loops of every handwritten letter

every yellow ginko leaf fallen to the pavement

in the quiet honey of your voice

in every intentional gesture gently executed

in every hole i've punched with needle and thread

on moss slick rocks at the bottom of river beds

in mulberries dark and and smashed under barefeet

in the words of every story and myth spoken in your calm tones

(i want to get lost in the intangible, ethereal and mundane)

[myloveliestmistake]

Admitting I feel neglected seems harsh and dramatic and so many things, but worse, what if I don't deserve the attention I so desperately feel I'm lacking? What if I'm not worth it? Every fibre of me tingles with the longing for love and affection, to feel these things and know I'm someone's choice. To feel it that the people who care about me care. To feel them be emotionally available.

[myloveliestmistake]

Sexual assault is you holding me down and me fighting back, saying “no” saying “stop” It’s a stranger jumping out of the bushes at night to jump me It’s me, drunk at a party, and you taking advantage Right? It’s violence and aggression and rough, It’s struggling and fighting back and running. It’s something that happens to other girls, not me. None of those were my circumstances. So why three years later can I still feel your hands on me? Why do I feel emptiness and disgust and shame every time I remember what happened? Why can I still not talk about it or understand it or label it? Why do I feel guilty, like it was my fault? Why does it matter so much to me? Why didn’t it to you?

-I wouldn’t call it rape

[myloveliestmistake]

I’m rewatching Broadchurch for the third time I think, and I’ve gotten to Jack Marshall’s storyline which I somehow have managed to forget about every time. I just want to take a minute and write about it because it makes me incredibly sad. To be innocent of something but have everyone assume you guilty without even taking a minute to ask your side of the story is horrible. To have to look friends in the eyes and to beg them “please believe me. You have to believe me.” is so so powerful and affecting but in a heartbreaking way. Jack Marshall for whatever else he may have done in his life (like marrying someone so much younger than him, I don’t doubt from the way his character is written that he truly did love her but it’s still hard because of power dynamics, authority, etc.) did not kill Danny Latimer and it breaks my heart to watch his life destroyed and his heart broken my so many people every time. He came to live a quiet life and build relationships and then in the end that’s not what he gets. He’s innocent but he knows everyone thinks he’s guilty and yet still he tries to face those people who might have reason to hate him most and to suspect him most because they’re desperate for an answer to who killed their son and why, and he tries to make them understand that he didn’t do it. The scene in the end of one of the episodes where the family is doing a press conference and it cuts between scenes of that and audio of that and Jack burning photos of him and these boys he’s mentored and cared for kills me. He burns these images that are precious to him, that remind him of the good times he’s had and the relationships and connections he’s built, and he burns them in an attempt to protect himself. He knows that people have already written him off as guilty and so if they saw these photographs they would just take that as proof that he really is who they think he is. There wouldn’t be a second thought given that perhaps these pictures are just innocent evidence of a natural human bond being formed, a parental and child connection. They would only see what they wanted to see and that would vilify him and prove him guilty of the worst.  The scene where a mob is after him and then Mark goes and talks to him...Jack is forced to reveal intimate and personal information about himself to this person who doesn’t know him that well just to clear his name. He offers this giant loss that has haunted him for years, that tore his family apart and his attempts to repair that and to fill that hole for even just a second by being around children who reminded him of his son, and Mark in that moment understands him. They understand each other and it’s a beautiful moment. But Jack is being pushed out of this place he’s made a quiet life for himself in through no fault of his own because it’s not safe for him. People are so quick to believe that it’s him because the evidence looks convincing from one perspective. It just hurts my heart a lot and I honestly love that character and his storyline. Because that human need to fill a hole left by loss is something I can relate to on so many levels. 

[myloveliestmistake]

ghost /ɡōst/

noun

1.an apparition of a dead person that is believed to appear or become manifest to the living, typically as a nebulous image. synonyms:specter, phantom, wraith, spirit, presence;

verb

1.act as ghostwriter of (a work). 2.glide smoothly and effortlessly

Ghost has so many different meanings--as a noun it’s a specter which can go different ways and hold different connotations, as a verb it can be to act as a ghostwriter of something, to describe the way something or someone physically moves, or in today’s culture it can mean to just completely stop talking to someone and being present in their life when you were at one point much more present and open. To ghost someone in that last regard is the biggest asshole move I can think of, although we’re all guilty of doing it, including myself. It’s just so much easier to ignore someone than to deal with them as a person in the world.  I’m mostly interested in ghost as in a specter although not in the cheesy scooby-doo kind of way, nor do I mean in the awful over the top ghost hunters way or when people think they see their dead relatives or someone who has been killed in a place haunting those who inhabit the space now. I just find the idea of the ones we love sticking around and being able to see us and what we do fascinating. I hope some days that that is a possibility and other days I hope to god it’s not. But to be haunted by a loved one would not be a bad thing. 

[myloveliestmistake]

sac·cha·rine /ˈsak(ə)rən/

adjective

1.excessively sweet or sentimental. synonyms:sentimental, sickly, mawkish, cloying, sugary, sickening, nauseating;

2.dated relating to or containing sugar; sugary.

I really like this word because it implies a negative connotation. As if being too sweet or sentimental is a bad thing, as if it’s sickening, as if too sweet really is a thing that exists. And maybe it is, there are things that are literally physically cloying to me, but the idea that there’s something that’s literally so sweet, so sentimental that it’s sickening? When people talk about seeing couples who are really affectionate it’s sometimes described as them being “sickeningly in love.” To me that’s just a sign of their jealousy at not having the same thing, or their skepticism that such a happy thing could exist in such a world alongside tragedies such as poverty and war. Of course too much of one thing can be bad and can make you sick but I can’t think of a reason for something sentimentally sweet to cause sickness other than not understanding it or being wary of it or just a reaction to not having something so sweet and lovely in your own life. Maybe that’s naive or romantic but this idea of excess...maybe there’s something to it. Excessive sweetness is not unpleasant but perhaps almost unbearable or intolerable because it’s so pure. For example a child’s laugh or reaction to simple things could be considered saccharine. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s almost unbearable because it’s so beautiful. This is the same thing with a word like “breathtaking.” Breathtaking is meant to describe things of beauty most times, but the literal words “breath taking” seem to be some which are negative. We need breath to live, to take it away would not end well for us. So for something to be so beautiful as to be described as “breathtaking” it’s literally saying it’s so beautiful it harms us. There is beauty in pain and being affected deeply. It’s sometimes such a strong thing that it takes our breath away or it’s considered sickening, but that pain is what makes it so beautiful. Without it there would be less severe words to articulate the things we feel when coming into contact with them. 

[myloveliestmistake]

Married/Divorced

I like these two words primarily when you're talking about things that aren't people. I like to think of places being divorced from or married to something. I like to use the words married or divorced to say that I'm into or not into something. I'm not married to the idea, I've divorced the two. I just like the language because it insinuates a kind of forever bond, even though by using "divorced" it's clearly not forever. But this romantic idea of a marriage being forever and being married to an idea...There's something there. I just think it's a beautiful sentiment. I don't know how much I care about the words when they're completely entwined with religion and church and two people becoming one. But when it's not in the normal context it does something for me that it doesn't when it's used normally. I don't know that I can quite articulate that at this point but I know I believe in it. Maybe it's that divorcing (pun intended) of the words from their usual context that makes it different for me. Of course you can't literally marry or divorce an object or a place or an idea but to think that you can permanently keep or get rid of something, your ties to it, the way it's ingrained into your life...it's laughable. You're a human and you care about certain things and don't care about others and there are reasons and everything is connected. I just think the two sentiments are beautiful and maybe a little bittersweet when used out of the normal way.

[myloveliestmistake]

prom·ise /ˈpräməs/

noun

1.a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen. verb

1.assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange something; undertake or declare that something will happen. 2.give good grounds for expecting (a particular occurrence or situation).

I love the idea of making promises or being made promises; it’s kind of a romantic and touching gesture grounded in love for another human being, but it also is made because there’s a chance that what’s being promised won’t happen so there’s a need to make that promise. Promises are valuable because they can easily be broken, and so when they’re not (in the case of things we have control over and are actually attainable) it means a lot that someone chose to keep their word to you. When people make promises of things uncontrollable such as “I’ll never leave you,” “I promise you’ll see me tomorrow,” etc. they are made as a gesture of hope and reassurance and comforting. Of course no one has control over these things in the grand scheme of things, people change and grow and grow apart, people die suddenly, life happens and makes keeping these promises impossible. That doesn’t make the intended comfort less.  On the other side of that, I think that those on the receiving ends of these big promises that people actually have no right or no business promising can find the words more insulting than comforting. I personally am never insulted, but I usually give a gentle reminder that you can’t possibly promise me those things because they’re not within your power to do so...I understand the intent but I also know that you can’t control that so please don’t promise it and insinuate to me that you can because if I start to believe you even for a second and then you’re unable to keep that promises I will be heartbroken and disappointed. Hope is tricky that way, and in turn promises are as well. We want to promise all these things and to protect and comfort those we love but in the end it can sometimes be more hurtful because we’ve tried to protect.  I also like this idea of keeping promises. What does that language mean? To keep a promise as in to say these words and then live up to what you said and be there to execute whatever it is you said? But also to keep something is to hold it close to you and hold on to it, so the idea of keeping a promise in that way and holding it close/holding on to it makes promising things all the more beautiful because you take seriously what you said and care about it in a way that you’re keeping it not only for the person you’ve made it for but also for yourself. You’re holding yourself accountable to this promise because it matters to you just as a thing and that you keep your word just like it matters to you because you don’t want to hurt or let down the person you’ve made it to. Plus the idea that a promise can be broken--that language brings to mind shattering glass and broken bones and just bits and pieces of a larger whole that are no longer cohesive and put together. Which is sad but also beautiful because maybe we can fix it or clean it up? Most of the time when someone makes a promise and breaks it it’s unintentional and sometimes it’s out of their control. So the idea of coming back after the fact to face that broken thing and to contend with it or clean it up or fix it in some way is maybe just as beautiful as having kept it in the first place. Because coming back to deal with it shows that they really did care and intend to keep it, and yes they hurt you and broke a promise but they care enough to come back and pick up the pieces and try and make it up to you and I think that’s important. 

[myloveliestmistake]

grav·i·ty /ˈɡravədē/

noun

1.PHYSICS: the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass. For most purposes Newton's laws of gravity apply, with minor modifications to take the general theory of relativity into account.

2.extreme or alarming importance; seriousness.

Of course gravity is the thing that keeps us and everything else grounded, scientifically speaking. But I’m much more interested in the definition when it has to do with something being of grave importance or seriousness. There’s an urgency there and a sobering that happens when someone uses a phrase like “the gravity of the situation.” It literally grounds you in what you’re talking about and brings you back to what’s important about it...it eliminates a lack of focus that might be present. For something to have gravity is for it to be pulled toward something and held there because of it. I think a lot of the people in my life have gravity that I’m held by...similar to roots being planted, but the roots I put down are of my own volition and the gravity those have who are around me is something all their own. While I may very well put down roots, there’s also the other side to that which is that others hold a kind of gravity that keeps me here as well as roots. It’s something I’ve considered a lot because part of me wants to travel and live exciting places and try new things and just go on adventures and see what else is out there. But there’s a different part of me (and it depends on the day which part of me is winning out) that knows I could and would be completely satisfied staying here because of the roots I’ve put down and the gravity these people hold over me. And it’s not a bad thing, being tied down somewhere can be negative but in this case I don’t think of it that way. If I stayed I would be staying as much for myself as for those I would leave behind if I were to leave.  Without gravity we would all just be floating around aimlessly. I think gravity is as much a force that keeps us here as it is something that allows us to be kept. It’s a comfort to know there IS something to keep me here; to know that the connections and bonds I’ve made with other people are strong enough to have their own gravitational pull on me. It’s fulfilling to understand that and to have that knowledge that I’m fortunate enough to have people who care about me and who I care about.

[myloveliestmistake]

sa·credˈsākrəd/

adjective 1. connected with God (or the gods) or dedicated to a religious purpose and so deserving veneration.

To hold something sacred is to make it have meaning for you. Not only meaning but to make it matter and deeply. To care about it and feel a connection with it are what give that thing agency as being sacred, not a tie to some god or religion. I think it’s foolish to believe for something to be sacred it has to be connected with any sort of god or to any brand of religion. Sacredness is something assigned to an object, experience, idea, etc. by a person. Much like I think you can worship at your own altar, meaning you don’t have to be religious and believe in a god to worship, I also believe to hold something sacred all you have to do is believe in it and feel a deep reverence for the thing. It doesn’t matter how mundane or common place a thing is, for one person to feel a deep veneration for it is enough to make it sacred. It doesn’t have to be universal, it can be personal so long as you claim it.  I also think there’s a difference between holding something sacred and holding it dear or precious. I believe although sacredness is not about gods or religion in the traditional way, they do have to do with the idea of a religious experience. The word “religion” or any variation of the word are almost married to a literal church--heaven, hell, worshipping the one true god, etc. But sacredness has to do with religion in that it’s an ephemeral possibly somewhat akin to a spiritual thing. Spiritual in the sense that it’s deeply affecting not that it has to do with the holy spirit.  Sacred is a big word. It shows the things you highly value and put on a pedestal to worship. The things that mean a lot to you and have a deep effect on you, emotional or otherwise. The things you hold sacred connect you.  I also think to talk about sacred spaces is important...people can hold a place sacred and I think that insinuates a kind of safety and comfort in that space as well as holding it with a kind of reverence in your mind. A sacred space to me would be somewhere people can come and just do or say or be whatever they want without fear of judgement or negative backlash. Those sorts of spaces are so few and far between that any space that fits those criteria seems sacred to me. 

[myloveliestmistake]

I'm still in love with another place, with another time. All I need do is close my eyes and I'm there-- Lying beside you, watching you sleep. At your most vulnerable, Turning over, Pulling sheets over head to block out the sunlight spilling in the window, Doing that thing where you brace yourself on your forearms, Even now there's few places I'd rather be. Just in those moments before you wake. When everything seemed right, and peaceful. I miss the feeling of waking up next to you. It was something I couldn't resist. It was a dangerous game I played but I couldn't help it, Lying in bed next to you in the morning was bliss. What I wouldn't give for one more morning like that.

[myloveliestmistake]

Remember when there was poison in my veins? Triggered like a chain reaction, I spiraled into an abyss until I was Nothing and no one and lost.

Now I drink until I'm gone and everything is a blur Hoping that somehow I'll lose myself, Hoping for a moment of reprieve from my emotional atrophy.

A welcome bliss that is gone to soon, I need the numb to quell the pulsing ache in my chest, To dull my senses from the stark light of reality.

This fix is temporary but worth it. Temporary but worth it. Temporary But worth it, right?

Coming down from the high is a crushing reminder I spill out my feelings and the thoughts I hold closest, Close my eyes and share my most intimate thoughts, Offering myself, shaking hard as I wait for your reaction.

Intoxicated and trembling, My filter is off and you are here, Listening, consoling, loving. -For the things they don't cover in class

[myloveliestmistake]

I used to use words like “salvation” and “redemption” Now I know better; That’s the problem with counting on someone else to be your salvation– The only one who can save you is you.

[myloveliestmistake]

Gazing out an airplane window and thinking of you. Somehow every god damn piece of "advice" you've given me will forever be held in my head somewhere. Or maybe my heart, it's hard to tell. Remember when you told me I never really had an opinion on things? You said it was a good and a bad thing. Well here's my opinion, I hope you hear it loud and clear: You're an asshole. Always have been always will be. I was, I am in love with you. But you are the most toxic person I have ever met. You pretend like you're some kind of hero, Some sort of experienced guy who wants to do all these things, But never does anything to try and achieve those goals. You're all talk and we're tired of waiting.

[myloveliestmistake]

Your name turns to ashes in my mouth The things we've done together turn bittersweet The way you treat me cuts completely through me Your world keeps turning and you left mine in ruins You left me in pieces for someone else to clean up You'll keep running from your problems I’ll be here, watching you go

[myloveliestmistake]

You don't deserve me I will keep giving despite that I love you Someday you'll realize what you passed up And by that day I'll be long gone

[myloveliestmistake]

Some days I think I can handle this. Some days I feel empowered and in charge. Some days I want to tell you to fuck off. Some days though, most days I'd rather have the little bit of you you're willing to give. The small part of you you're willing to share. After, of course, you have what you want