mymelancholydream

[mymelancholydream]

Black Tears

I'm stumbling on borrowed time

and doing absolutely nothing with it

but wasting it like wine at a dead god's altar

dripping slow into the dirt

everybody's running laps at me

and I can't even take a step forward

struggling for every breath I take

I just wanna

exhale

but

I don't think I can stand

on my own two legs anymore

so

I'll write out what I always wanted

because I can't speak

and I'll disappear

I was born broken

that's my birthright

blood runs thin in me on negative

there's no hope in me for positive

I am indeed damn right faithless

nothing but a quiet fracture

Heaven's oversight

and I know I'm silent

because my mind is loud

and I know

I am a bad luck charm

so is my whole life

and there is no more

black tears left to cry

[mymelancholydream]

Strawberry Moon

these melancholic summer nights

with bugs chirping at midnight

as my company

because the moon is hiding

from my loneliness

but i miss it

looking right at me

and still

I'm thinking about you all day

every waking moment

you haunt my daylight

wondering what are you doing this hour?

do you feel it too?

even though I barely know the real you

but I feel like I do

and I never met you

but I feel like I did

and I know

I'm able to say

that

I waited for you

all my life

with these parasocial illusions

that I fall asleep to

in them

I wake beneath

to your beautiful blues shining on me

and thinking

for the first time

I didn't wake up - wanting to die

but it's not real

I know

and I don't want help

I dont want to heal

I want you

in any form I can

because all I have is this

and nothing else

still -

nothing

is still more

than what I’ve ever had

[mymelancholydream]

Silent scream

I lie awake

my mind

on YOU

while everything else

is burning around me

and I'm too

screaming silently

it's harder to see

where the line

between worship and destruction blurs

but my sundowning mind

is connected to my soul

which is looking for you

or a way out

truth is -

i'm wasting away

and

thinking of you

is like breathing under water

and I know it's parasocial

but

your molecules sing to me

and it pulls me under

lost to the weight of wanting you

and needing to escape

[mymelancholydream]

Would you dance only with me untill our graves?

I want to live in your breath

in the pauses between your thoughts

in the stillness after your laughter fades

maybe our atoms could be wrapped

in longing devotion

a sacred wound

offered in the hope

that something divine might bleed back

but you see

the gods

don't favor me

can we hide from them?

i don't believe in the divine

but i have to blame someone

for this misery

to long

and never be enough

for the cruelty of never seeing you

touching you

can't stick to you - like you want me to

or ease your mind

but i'm breathing you in

as the universe folds in

on itself

will we forever dance

in the shadows of their apathy?

but you see - im a bad dancer

i'm a rhythm that doesn’t fit

a step that never lands right

i’m lost in the movement

chasing you

but always out of sync

[mymelancholydream]

Myself and I

Walking in the border between divine and arcane

iam the forsaken child

the thunder

that never cracks

the shadow behind the light

a dreamborn god of fear and relief

a fire that never asks to be seen

call me madness

i’ll wear it like a crown

i've been called worse

the gypsy witch

with the marks

who never speaks

ah, but you see -

they never listened anyway

so i stopped talking

because the truth

would burn their ears to ash

if my mask ever slipped

but if it did

could we be ourselves?

you and me?

face frozen

death drpping from my eyes

watching the world go by

through whispers of my amber dusks

but i fear my soul

is a fading light

hardened by fury

if there’s a spark left in me

it flickers like a dying star

so if I vanish —

know it wasn’t surrender

i fought

but everything turned it's face

away from me

and the world already swallowed me up

and spit me out

and I was alone through it all

with my mask on

[mymelancholydream]

Emerging light

The heavens refused to write our story

and the gods cut my wings off

so I can't reach you

not in this lifetime

but I want to stand in the sun with you

bask in your light

to be baptized in your radiance

even if I must emerge

even if it means

i have to come out

from the shadows

for the first time

i want rainy days and love confessions baby

the cottagecore dream life with you

the quiet kind of forever

i wonder how different our paths would be

if the gods looked down on me

with mercy instead of mockery?

but can you live

without the euphoria of performance?

can you breathe

without the high of worship?

give up your light?

could my ugliness

steal your heart?

i was never divine

i know

they made sure I knew

never craved the light

but in your hands

i could become

something terrifyingly

beautiful

[mymelancholydream]

To You - Sanctified

Iam worshipping you with my poems

that's the only way

i can touch you

in any form

but i lie dreaming

in a silent sanctuary

would our poetic mind align?

if we'd ever meet?

the fates would never allow

such kindness

so i'm naming stars

after every version of us

we never got to be

tell me—

if I bled my name

into your sleep

would you wake

choking - with the taste of me

on your tongue?

could your mouth speak

my name

before your mind could catch it?

can I taste you

even just once?

before this longing

devours me whole?

because I already

wear you

like prayer

[mymelancholydream]

Blacklit Sky

Iam ridiculously jealous at the moments

you give to her instead of me

and that

your hand will never reach mine

except through

my mind

my shadow and yours

collide

not by chance

but by some forgotten vow

etched in stardust

and sealed in sleep

our eyes look up the same sky

over and over again

untill the orbs meet

for the first time

as if the heavens are tired

of holding our longing

my velvet fire embers

and your hues of ocean

dancing across the sky

that never noticed

between the void

and the constellations

above the world

entwined

for a lifetime

[mymelancholydream]

Moonbound

I have no one the share my burden

all i have is my poems

no ears, no altar but these pages

after all

iam my own hell

and the high water

love is a privilege

that I never had

a sacred thing

spoken in tongues I was never taught

but still—

i am overflowing

oh, my love

i have so much to give

but to who?

to the empty spaces?

to the void

that swallows everything I give?

to your God

that cut off my wings?

i have no one

no soul to haunt with my softness

so I offer my pure love

to the the sky

because the moon

is the only companion by my side

[mymelancholydream]

Kaleidoscope of butterflies

I like to feed my own delusions

about you

while my hand wanders

between my uncharted thighs

talking with you in my head

i'm a needy vessel for your pleasure

that will never reach me

a kaleidoscope of butterflies

wealth can't touch the hunger in me

so it means nothing

could you see through me?

understand me even?

the chaos behind the quiet?

that is my mind

poetic and vore

even the Gods can't reach me

but i willingly would be

your puppet queen

let you thread your fingers

through my spine

make me move

in rhythm

with your divine mind

consume me

your broken winged-butterfly

[mymelancholydream]

Sweetness 4 You

the fates can't let us collide

you see

I'm cursed

my days filled with anxiety

but your voice

god, your voice

it lingers in the marrow of my mind

like a prayer never answered

like worship turned wound

an altar trembling in your shadow

i know it's hard for you now

so collaps into me

drown me sweetly

steep into my very being

my body and soul is all yours

not even the holy dare to enter

untouched even by the divine

do you think

"would their eyes forget me

if i buried myself beneath the waves?"

I know

you do

you wear it like skin

but my love, your fate is a prophecy

they would go blind

before they ever looked away

they would die for you

bleed for you

the heavens would fight

for an eternity

to claim your darkness

and to breathe YOUR NAME once

though the gods themselves choke on it

[mymelancholydream]

Tomb of my body

I have this feel

this tide

rise in my throat

a sickened prayer to my cracked mirror

to look in it and vomit and choke

if I could carve away the weight of my flesh

would I finally be light enough to leave?

scrape off the disgusting bits of myself

to never ever let anyone

look at this

this wretched vessel

to sink beneath their gaze

unseen, unknown, untouched

from the mistakes of sins

that was never mine to own

why must love be chained to skin?

when the soul is weightless, endless?

this body of mine is holy as a temple

a reliquary of wounds that will not fade

i will be buried with them in my tomb

but i bear the sigils of the forgotten

marked in whispers, carved in flame

the witch’s curse, the devil’s claim

both seared into my facade

tell me was I ever whole?

or was I always meant to bleed?

[mymelancholydream]

Love's vision

The only place I saw you was my dream

so tell me

are you the man

i'm desperately looking for?

could my non-existent love

call upon your soul?

from this aching distance between us

would you answer?

would you take my hand,

or dissolve into the light?

and leave me in the shadows

where I always belonged

kneeling at your altar 

or the fragment of God

i saw in you in my vision

could change my fate?

your almighty that you write of?

perhaps my fate is cursed in this lifetime?

not even your light and darkness

could reach me

and take root within the void of me?

or pierce the heavens

on my behalf?

[mymelancholydream]

For white nights

She's 26 now

lost it completely

split and delusional

just a soul caught between

the quiet hum of what could have been

thought she learned

but she did it again

fell in delusional love

with a man she can never have

because he was never meant to be hers

only in this dream

how long can she go on like this?

how long can she carry

the weight of these lies?

dear dreamer

we're in the ending phase now probably

she feels it's closing in on her

she's scared

of never having truly felt alive

fading before she even existed

but not of death

but because she haven't lived

[mymelancholydream]

Split

You will never be mine

I can't love you

so I will hate you

my split mind can't escape you

and your words

to who are they for?

who is so fond for you?

the one who holds your gaze

like it belongs to her?

the way you talk about your sacred moments

I'm utterly jealous

your words burned in to my skin forever

a reminder of the love I crave

it is yours

the love I will never hold

because it belongs to you

and it was never meant for me

[mymelancholydream]

Illusions

I'm just a crazy crazy crazy girl

with a broken broken broken mind

what would you call psychotic

in my dirty dirty dirty bed

whispering prayers to men

who will never see me

never know me

never touch me the way I burn for?

changing yourself

thought you stopped

you said you are not afraid

to walk this earth alone

but my mind is a church of empty promises

a temple of illusions

and I kneel before the echoes

till I die

of a love that was never real

and still, I worship.

[mymelancholydream]

Limerence

His eyes were saturated with hues of blue

like the ocean

and I just wanted to drown

they were shiny and dull

at the same time

He sliced me open with his gentle breath

and his voice was like God talking to me

but he doesn't exist but neither does he

in that non existent moment I saw our future

a fever dream

a life carved from hands

that will never hold me

If I were someone else

if he were mine

but prayers go unanswered

and I remain here

aching for something

that was never meant to be