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We’re Our Own Worst Enemies

There are times where we can be our only and best friend, but too often of times we can also be our own worst enemies. Some of us spend a lot of our times battling ourselves. Looking for the smallest of flaws to pick at and stumble over. It doesn’t matter what other people say to us or how often because there’s nothing they can say to us that’s worse than what we’re already telling ourselves.

A lot of times I am my best friend and my biggest pep talker. More often than not, however, I am my own worst enemy. All the walls I built up while being my best friend, I can tear down in a matter of seconds when I’m being my own worst enemy. This comes out when I’m depressed, suicidal, and trying to fight my addictions. I have singled out self-harming from the addictions post because it’s the strongest addiction that I’ve ever had and was the hardest to quit. I revisited it way too many times to count before I finally mustered up the strength to quit it completely. This is the only addiction I’ve had that I haven’t really thought about too much in my recovery. I have had several relapses, but they normally occurred from being impulsive about it (got the feeling and went straight to it.) Lately, this has completely changed.

To refresh the memory, I self-harmed for 6 years (7 if you add up my relapses) and have been hospitalized twice because of it. I even self-harmed during my hospital stays when I had the chance. It’s never been meant as a form of suicide for me, just a form of relief… The quickest relief I’ve had from any coping skill (mind you, self-harm is a negative coping skill.) There have been times in the past couple of weeks that self-harm has come up, even at work when I’m around knives and other sharp objects that could do damage. Now just to put this out there right now, I have not acted on any of those thoughts. I’ve been struggling with my self-worth, or lack thereof, and lack of deserving for the things that I have. I’ve been feeling like I’m a waste of space and that I’m not living up to my full potential. When I get this way, this is when self-harm tries to sneak it’s way back into my life. There’s a voice in my head that tells me that I’m not worth anything and I deserve the pain. I deserve the marks and the scars that forever tell part of my tale to all those who see. That I deserve the guilt. It reminds me of how much it helped in the past. How good it made me feel to know that I was feeling physical pain as well as emotional like what I was putting my family through. Those voices get so loud and honestly I don’t have a good answer as to how I’ve pushed through the urges. The physical pain of not self-harming hurts more than the pain of actually doing it. My muscles tense up and I can feel the pain of fighting it down to my bones. I crave the sight of it as well, which due to trigger warnings I won’t go too into gory detail about that.

What’s different, I think, about having those thoughts and having them in the past is that now I know I can go without doing it. The thought I need it just doesn’t make sense anymore because I’ve gone without it long enough now to know that I no longer need to do that in order to feel good. Although I’m not good now, I know that I don’t need to turn to it to get through. If I do turn to it, I know to forgive myself. Not to let it get me feeling discouraged… when you allow yourself to feel discouraged it pulls you closer and closer to that addiction you’re trying to get away from. Those addictions feed on negative thoughts and feelings. It helps keep it alive and current.

Usually, I’m able to distract myself instantly and long enough to where I haven’t acted on the thoughts. I’ll start listening to music or know to watch something funny on TV, or just something that I know will attract my interest. The good part about things like that is that they force you to focus on something else. They give you something else to think about in the moment long enough to make you forget about what you were thinking before. Sometimes, you have to repeat this process several times and it’s frustrating because sometimes you start running out of ideas or get bored with these things. There are plenty of coping skills out there though.

Some things important to highlight

Self-harm doesn’t help, no matter how much it seems like it does in the moment. All it does is give you memories that you can never get rid of, ones you have to live with on your skin.

You ARE in control of what happens to you. Self-harm or the thoughts that come along with it are never in control unless you allow them to be. You are stronger and more powerful than they are if you allow yourself to be.

This IS something you can recover from and although you’ll carry remnants of those times with you forever, you can leave them mostly in the rear view mirror.

It takes time and effort. Sometimes lots of it, but that doesn’t make it any less possible for your future.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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My Mind is a War Zone

I’ve mentioned in past posts both on here and on Facebook that I’ve been struggling with depression and all it’s unfortunate tag-alongs myself lately. Here in these past couple weeks my brain has been nonstop, back and forth between so many thoughts. Questioning my purpose, finding a reason, and trying to stay afloat in the rough waters. I’m breaking this post up into three different parts: Suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts, and addictions I’ve relapsed into.

Suicidal Thoughts

Although I haven’t had any suicidal actions recently, the thoughts have been recrossing my mind. Right now I accomplished as much as I can right now by getting a new job, getting an apartment, and moving out on my own. Getting used to being an adult supporting myself and all that fun stuff. It feels like after that’s all calmed down everything has started to go downhill. I started a new medication (Wellbutrin) and have been trying to adjust to being on that medication as well as adjusting to now taking two since I’ve already been taking Lexapro for anxiety. In the past I usually wouldn’t reach out to any professionals and very rarely anyone around me, but when I recognized my depression was making its ugly return, I almost immediately contacted my doctor, which is when she prescribed me the Wellbutrin. With not really feeling like I can accomplish anything big right now, I began to start questioning my reason again. Why am I here? Why has a huge fight been going on to keep me here when it feels like I’m constantly asking myself why? What is it that I’m supposed to be doing?  I’ve asked myself these questions over and over again throughout the years. Sometimes I found it and other times the questions seemingly went unanswered for a while. I had accomplished so many big things in just the matter of a month and I have what I want right now, so why am I so unhappy? I’ve noticed as well throughout the years that whenever depression rears its ugly head again, it’s always much worse than the time before. Each time the fight presents bigger and tougher battles along the way. Body battling mind and mind battling body, heart disagreeing with both. The pain sits in your chest and grows stronger and stronger with every thought. You just want it to end. You think about family and friends, coworkers and bosses, neighbors and acquaintances maybe as well. How could I put them through that? Why would I even think about putting them through that? Just so my pain can end I’m willing to put them in a place of a lifetime of hurt? People think that those who are suicidal don’t think about others around them… false. If anything, they’re only thinking about the people around them. The thoughts are just misleading. You think the world would be better off without you. You truly believe that those in your life would be better without you as well. No matter how many times someone tells you they love you and need you, it just bounces right off of you. Your mind convinces you that you aren’t good enough, that you aren’t worthy of this life. In my past suicide notes I repeated, “I promise you’ll understand when I’m gone. You’ll forget about me eventually and your lives would be better off.” I also included in those notes how much I felt like a monster. Tearing not only myself apart, but the people around me.

I don’t have that severe of thoughts at the moment, but I have been thinking about how maybe the world would still be better of without me. That someone’s always mad at me for something or I’m always messing everything up. Always in the way. Not smart enough, not good enough, making the same mistakes over and over and not learning from them. My mind is a war zone. Constantly racing about anything and everything. Constantly pondering if it would really be so bad without me. That someone out there would be better and would take my place. That Amber would just become a distant memory. I’ve begun distancing myself again.

The bright side of this is that I’m still holding on. I’m still telling myself that it’s my depression speaking. That even though that’s how it feels sometimes, that’s not the truth. Still trying to teach myself that I’m worthy of happiness. I’m worthy of recovery and that I deserve it. We all deserve it.

To be continued…

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What Comes Next?

The next few posts I make will be personal posts about my experiences and thoughts through my time dealing with depression. Where I’ve been, where I am now, and my journey of finding the difference between true and false.

This post will be about a more specific topic, which regards my experience with antidepressants. The next few will seem a bit more random and more like journal entries. I’m about to start my next medication journey with Wellbutrin, which I have not yet obtained. I talked to my doctor today, since I’ve been feeling the wrath of depression thoughts once again, and she prescribed me Wellbutrin on top of my Lexapro for anxiety. I want to talk about my experiences in the past with Prozac and abilify… since they yielded the worst results.  

Prozac

I had been put on Prozac several times, which actually could be looked at now as a fail on my doctor's’ part. The first time I was put on it, I was actually abusing pills back then. I had been overdosing on Tylenol for quite some time (which, a quick reminder, I was not addicted to the medication since it is not an addictive substance, but more so the act of taking the pills.) When I first started taking it, I was very impatient and wanted quick results. I was unfamiliar with antidepressants then and hadn’t really had them explained to me before being put on them as well. I was maybe about 14 or 15 at the time. I hadn’t been open about depression much before then so it, or the process of treating it, had never really been explained to me before. So I didn’t really notice a difference and didn’t feel any different while taking this medication. If anything, I felt more depressed and suicidal the longer time went on. While I was on Prozac, I ended up starting and stopping the medication quite often. This is not helpful as I’m sure if you’ve reached out before you’ve been warned about what could possibly happen, including the situation getting worse, if you do this. I didn’t care at the time and didn’t give the medication time to work, I just know the side effects of the medication seemed to cause more problems than what it was worth. I felt even more crazy and out of control than I had before. Eventually, I stopped taking it for a while before being prescribed it yet again.

Prozac and Abilify

One of the times when I was hospitalized during that a little over a month long period of time, I was prescribed both Prozac and Abilify. The abilify was like a .5 dose just to go along and help alongside the prozac, which I believe was at a 10mg or 20mg dose. When I first started taking it, I was prescribed 20mg. This was where my dislike for Prozac really began and the reason why I will never allow another doctor to prescribe to me ever again. While I was taking these two together, the side effects were detrimental to my everyday functioning. I shook uncontrollably, I would twitch uncontrollably (this even included my face muscles (smile) to twitch as well), and my suicidal thoughts increased as well.) I was open with a group leader at the hospital about this, to which she told me the side effects would subside within one to two weeks… months later I was still dealing with the side effects. The twitching I even still continue to deal with to this day. I remember one day sitting next to this group leader and my legs were shaking and twitching so bad. No matter how hard I tried to control it, I couldn’t. I also remember being in the cafeteria trying to fill up my cup and my hand was shaking so bad. A group member looked at my hand filling up my cup and then at me and asked, “What is going on? Why are you shaking like that?” This happened again when we sat down and I was trying to hold my fork and could barely get anything in my mouth because my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I demanded that I be taken off the medications because it made me feel worse than I already did. More out of control than I already did. Made me feel like I was crazy, was making me hear voices in my head, was making the voice telling me to kill myself louder and louder than it already was. I never took Prozac again and still to this day refuse to be put on either Prozac or Abilify.

These are medications I don’t want anyone reading this to be afraid of. Like I have said in past posts, what worked or didn’t work for me, might yield different results for you. While they made me feel out of control, they might possibly make you feel like you finally have control in your life. While they didn’t help me, they might turn your whole life around. The process of treating depression is just that… a process. Finding what works for you and what doesn’t…. And never returning to what doesn’t.

Like I always say, we are in this together. I will always try to provide the information needed to get you through this. I will always try to provide as much as my experience that is helpful. The words of encouragement that you need to hear today, I will always try to provide. The unfortunate truth about depression and any mental illness is that the answer isn’t always so easily provided. I throw out a life support to you, but it’s your choice on whether or not you grab it. So please… grab the life support. Research until you find an answer. Experiment until you find an answer. I got to the point where I was sick of feeling like a science experiment and decided to go down my own path. It worked for me, it may or may not work for you. What I’m getting at is… there’s always one more step to take. One more thing to try. One more heartbreak before your big break. One last breakdown before you find your way up. You’ve got this. Better days are waiting around the corner… and I’m here to hopefully help you find them. We’re in this together. Once you find this blog, you will never be alone again.

Quote of the Day:

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius. Power, and magic in it!” -Goethe

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These quotes are such good reminders. Today’s quote of the day!!

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A good quote of the day to go along with the personal post that just went up. Love this one as well!

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Treatment is a Process *Personal Post*

Anyone who knows me or follows me on any of my personal social medias knows that I often share the quote, “Recovery isn’t a straight line.” I hold true to this statement and have experienced it myself. There are several different treatments for depression, including alternative treatments. The two I have the most experience with are talk therapy and hospitalization.  I have also used meditation as self treatment, which is where most of my progress came from.

Let’s start with therapy…

I was in therapy for about a year or two, possibly three. Throughout my time in therapy I went through a lot of therapists. Whether it be from  promotions, transfers, and just no longer working with the company… not one of them stayed. I’m not one for opening up, especially since I had been swept under the rug so many times when trying to talk about my problems with depression, so it would take me a bit to get comfortable enough to actually talk about what was wrong. I never reached this point. Right as I was getting comfortable with one of my therapists’, she ended up having to leave the company. My therapists’ would come to my school to talk to me for about an hour once a week. I saw her one last time, I didn’t know it would be the last time then, right before going on Christmas break. We had talked about getting in touch with each other over break when I knew of a time she could come back to see me once I went back to school. I never heard from her after that. I went back to school and was informed by my school’s guidance counselor that I would no longer be seeing her. I was devastated. No one would explain to me what had happened.

I met with another woman after that maybe twice. I was done with therapy at this point though considering the fact that I never had any luck with it before. I was done getting to know someone and them me, starting to get comfortable, and then having to do it all over again not much later… so we decided that it would be best if I didn’t go back to therapy and take a break from it. This was my experience. I had faith in it when I started, but slowly over time and therapist after therapist, it was clear that therapy wasn’t for me. I tried online therapy at one point too and it was a little more helpful since my therapist was there and reachable at any point in time. That, however, didn’t last long either. It wasn’t helpful because I didn’t want the advice that I had heard time and time again. That was my last attempt with therapy and although I have thought about returning, I haven’t tried again since.

Side note: This does NOT mean that therapy isn’t helpful, nor am I saying that. It just wasn’t a good choice for me personally. Therapy is hit or miss. Sometimes it does take some time to find the right therapist that you’re comfortable enough talking to about anything. Sometimes, like in my case, it doesn’t work out. This doesn’t mean there aren’t other helpful options out there or that you should stop searching for them. Just trust the process and listen to your heart. If it’s helpful and you’re going in the right direction, you will know.

Hospitalizations

I talked a bit about my hospitalizations in my last personal post. Overall, I have had a total of 5 hospitalizations - 4 in the same hospital. My first hospitalization was the worst one in the sense of the place I ended up. I had talked about how hard it was to adjust to being in the hospital and accepting that it was where I needed to be at the time. The hospital was uncomfortable, the staff had it written all over their faces and in their actions that they didn’t really care about us at all, and the environment with some of the girls was at times scary. Due to the stigma against psych wards and behavioral hospitals, the time patients spend there is often not talked about. Like most did, I lied about my feelings while I was there. We would do ratings of how we were feeling that day and I would always say that I was about an eight. To the point where one of the nurses, the only one who ever really cared about us (you can tell because everyone who has been there can tell you about that same nurse), had asked me, “If you’re always doing so well… why are you here?”

The first night there I was under constant vision, which yes… truly constant vision. Someone had to sit outside the shower while I was showering. Someone had to sit outside my door while I slept. Both of these things I hated, not that I would think anyone would truly enjoy that, and I cried myself to sleep that night. I’m not someone who normally cried, but I had cried more in those first three days than I had in about three years time. There were locks on everything. You had to ask to go to the bathroom. There was a level system there and you only got certain things when you reached those levels. Going outside was a 4th level thing and really only happened once while I was there anyways. That hospitalization lasted for about 8 days. There was a lot going on in those 8 days outside of the hospital as well, although that I won’t go over at this time, it was heavy stuff. So I knew when I was leaving the hospital that I wasn’t going home to an easy welcoming home process. However, when my release day came I was still extremely happy to get out of there. I had all of my stuff and I couldn’t get to the car fast enough. That’s when I really realized the true beauty of nature and how precious our freedom is.

I kept myself out of the hospital for 3 years before being admitted to another hospital. Now, you might think Oh she went three years without being hospitalized so she must have been doing well. Wrong you are… that was not the case. I just knew what would get me hospitalized and what wouldn’t. I also knew that if I were honest about what I was doing it was likely to happen. So I became even more quiet about my struggles. No matter how many times I tried, however, the common statement throughout my hospitalizations was that I never said anything to anyone and they had no idea, which was later admitted to me by a family member as false information. This came up often in my next 4 hospitalizations, which happened all in about a month give or take. Two of my hospitalizations were due to suicidal attempts and two were due to self-harming. I won’t go over all of my hospitalizations, just the ones that were the most severe.

One of the hospitalizations that was from a suicidal attempt was due to overdosing and although I had been overdosing on pills for years, this was the worst overdose in the sense that I shouldn’t have come back from it. It was a Sunday, the night before I was supposed to take my ACTs. I had just had dental work done so I had a prescription of vicodin for pain and one for inflammation. I also was on Prozac at the time so I had a bottle of that as well. One of my family members had been prescribed Ativan, which I ended up taking as well. I was laying in bed that night trying to fall asleep and I had my pills sitting on my dresser to the left of my bed. As I was trying to fall asleep I had a voice in my head that was telling me just to take a couple of pills. The longer I tried to ignore the thought, the louder the voice would get. Eventually, after tossing and turning for a while, I gave in. I took a couple of pills and tried to go to sleep. Once again I lay tossing and turning and the voice was nagging just take a couple more. I once again tried to ignore the thought, but was unable to. So, I took more. Eventually it got to the point where my Prozac bottle was empty and the other bottles count was dwindling. I didn’t remember exactly how many pills I had took. Finally, I guess I had fallen asleep.

The next morning my mom was getting ready to leave to go to town when she noticed my car was still in the garage. Since I was supposed to be ready and had left for school at this point, it was a red flag. She told me she had come downstairs and tried to wake me up, but was unable to wake me. She said as soon as I opened my eyes she knew something was horribly wrong because my eyes were rolling in the back of my head. I couldn’t support myself and she could barely support my body weight either. I don’t remember much from that morning. I do remember coming into consciousness and hearing her tell me that we were going to the hospital. She tried to drive me herself, but out of fear and not knowing what was going on she called an ambulance instead. I remember waking up in the hospital and it being very dark. There was one light above me and I could see my mom and sister and noticed my dad and my brother in the background, but I could barely see them since it was so dark. I was out of my mind, had tried to stop breathing a couple times, and remember threatening to rip out my IV if someone else didn’t take it out instead. To no surprise, I was sent back to the hospital that I had been to once before for a suicide attempt. This hospital was a lot better than the first one I ever went to in the sense of there was a bit more freedom, the staff actually cared about it’s patients, and we had more privileges given to us if we didn’t do anything to have them taken away… including going outside for about an hour after groups when it was nice enough to. However, I wasn’t ready to quit what I was doing and I was at the lowest point of rock bottom I had ever hit to this day. So I returned a couple times. That hospitalization I believe lasted for almost two weeks.

One of the hospitalizations that was due to me self-harming was also the worst bout of self-harming I had ever had as well. I was sitting in my basement, which was where my room and everything was, and I had music playing on my computer through my TV. I was listening to Hurt by Johnny Cash, which was a dangerous song when I was super depressed. I remember being fine for the most part and then all of a sudden I got the thought to cut myself. My eyes went right to where I kept my razors and I don’t remember actually self-harming, just coming to after I had finished and being confused as to what just happened. This next part is gory and can be triggering, so proceed with that thought in mind, but I had blood everywhere. It was dripping down my arms, dripping down my legs. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom to try and get myself cleaned up some and had a trail of blood going into the bathroom. I didn’t want to wake up my mom and had been texting my sister before the episode had happened, so I texted her and told her what happened. I didn’t want her to see it and still have some self loathing towards myself because of it, but she came to my mom’s and her boyfriend carried me upstairs. A police officer showed up, an ambulance showed up, and I was transported to the hospital. I laid in my sister’s arms screaming and begging them not to take me. While I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital one of the male EMT’s was talking to me trying to figure out why I had done what I did. I didn’t want to talk to him and so I didn’t. At one point he said, “You know there are other ways to get attention right?” Although I won’t get into that because it will take away from where I’m going in this post, this is what many people with real mental health issues and addiction problems have to face. People thinking it’s just for attention when it’s truly a life threatening problem that most don’t even fully understand themselves. Moving on… this was the hospitalization where I was told if I was hospitalized again for the same reason that I would be going to a residential hospital (where they can keep you longer than three weeks, where behavioral hospitals cannot.)  

Those hospitalizations were when I came into meditation. I tried meditation and it took me a while to actually get into, but it finally ended up working. I learned a lot about myself through meditation and started making huge steps forward, which is how I made it to where I am today. It was helpful in learning how to quiet my mind long enough to talk myself out of the negative thoughts coming my way. Guided meditations are useful when starting out, they teach you the process and talk you through it. There are hundreds of different guided meditations for different things on YouTube. Once you get a little more experienced, meditation music with binaural beats is incredibly helpful as well. I think I have mentioned those once before. Doing some further research on those specific types is actually quite interesting as well especially if you are someone who takes an interest in science.

I want to say once again that just because something works or doesn’t work for me, doesn’t mean that it will or won’t work for you. It’s all just a matter of finding what suits you best. Art, music, fashion, psychology and learning about mental illnesses and how the brain works, watching documentaries, walking, exercising. There are so many coping skills out there. Some will work better and faster than others. Some will be frustrating and some will just come naturally. Find whatever works for you and stick with it. Have faith that it will work and that you will find your happy ending. You will find that peace within yourself. Just another reminder as well that you are never alone. Someone out there loves you. Someone needs you. Someone wants you here with every fiber of their being. You are wanted and needed. You are worthy. You WILL recover.

Thank you to anyone who actually takes the time to read this. Again, I always want to be open, honest, and real with you all.

Until next time loves. Stay safe, stay strong, and keep pushing forward.  

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Treatments for Different Depression Types *Informational Post*

As you can see... there are a lot of different types of depression. Most of them have common treatments and some have alternative treatments that help as well. Resources were pulled from Mayo Clinic and WebMD sites. 

Bipolar Depression: https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/treating-bipolar-medication#1

Major Depression:

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression#2-8

Postpartum (Peripartum) Depression: Also covers alternative therapies and goes over talk therapy and antidepressants (can be found on the sidebar of the page in the top right hand side)

https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-treatment#1

Persistent Depressive Disorder: Very informational link, goes in depth

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/persistent-depressive-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20350935

Seasonal Affective Disorder:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20364722

Psychotic Depression:

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/psychotic-depression#2

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder:

https://www.webmd.com/women/pms/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder#2

Adjustment (Situational) Disorder:

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-adjustment-disorder#3-5

Atypical Depression:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/atypical-depression/basics/treatment/con-20035114

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My Diagnosis and Treatments *Personal Post*

I have had many hospitalizations over the years from attempting suicide and from self-harming (cutting.) The very first time I was admitted to a behavioral hospital I was diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder and had the following symptoms…

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities

Weight loss

Feeling worthless or guilty

Trouble concentrating or making decisions

Thoughts of suicide

I spent about 8 days in the hospital before being moved to outpatient treatment with a therapist. The first time I was hospitalized it was a pretty scary moment. I actually bawled my eyes out and begged them to let me go home and not send me off, however… my pleads didn’t work. I hated the first hospital I went to. It was more like a prison. Locks on everything. We didn’t have much freedom at all. For the first 24 hours I was a CV (which just means you are under constant vision of a staff member) and had to have someone sit outside the shower while I showered and even had to have someone watch me while I slept. I cried myself to sleep the first night I was there. This was after I had become a recluse, but if anyone would have truly known me at that time they would know that I didn’t like having anyone so close at the time. It was very uncomfortable. I even had another patient give me some encouraging words by telling me it would get better, but I was missing home a lot those first couple days.

I was and am very quiet around people I’m not familiar or comfortable with. I was around a range of different girls with different problems that had brought them there. It was a shock to me considering I had been around relatively the same people almost my whole life up until then. I’m not, and never really had been around that time, the type of person to cry… especially around other people… but I cried a lot the first couple of days. It was so uncomfortable there. It was loud and crowded most of the time, two of my least favorite things. I lied a lot while I was there (do not recommend when you’re in a treatment facility) but I just wanted to get out and go home.

About three years later, I was hospitalized again. Another suicide attempt with pills I believe. It was around the same time I had been hospitalized three years before, but lasted from the end of April to the beginning of June. I had been hospitalized for suicide attempt by pills twice and self-harming twice. This time I spent about a month in and out of the same hospital. This one was more comfortable and I didn’t have as many teary moments, but it was still a behavioral hospital and there were still moments I wished more than anything that I could be outside of it. However, I eventually got to the point where I was more serious that time about getting better. I had self-harmed while in the hospital and almost lost my priviledge of going outside, which was my favorite part of group when it would happen. I was in a hospital and still self-harming and I think that was the turning point where I realized I had a serious problem. I still wasn’t open about my feelings though and wrote in my journal instead of talking about my thoughts and feelings in group. I was hospitalized four times in one month, missed the last month of my Junior year and had to complete it at home, and writing in my journal instead of talking in group almost messed up my release. However, I was still released after a couple of partial days (inpatient to partial means going from being at the hospital all day to only having to go from 8am-2pm) on June 3rd, 2015. I was told if I ever came back for the same reason again that I would be placed in residential (a behavioral hospital can’t keep you for longer than 3 weeks, whereas residential can keep you as long as they see fit until you are deemed healthy minded enough to return home.) I haven’t been back since.

My last hospitalization altogether was sometime in July, maybe the 18th, after overdosing on sleeping meds and drinking alcohol. I haven’t been hospitalized at all since.

Therapy never really worked for me and I didn’t stay in it long. Most of my healing came when I finally had decided I had enough. I did what it took to get better and believe me.... It took absolutely everything I had and every ounce of strength I had to get to where I am now. I fought for my life, I fought for what I have, and I will continue to fight as long as I possibly can.

I will continue with more about my self-harm and pill usage/overdoses when I get to the addiction series.

To sum this post up, from age 10 to age 19 I had over 20 suicide attempts. I have been hospitalized in total 5 times. I have survived everything and created a whole new life for myself. If I can do it, I am confident that anyone can. It takes everything you have and it is incredibly difficult no lie. There’s no telling when it will pull through. When you’ll see a difference. How long the process will take… It’s different for everyone. It will happen, you will get there. Only if you truly want to. I have faith in each and every one of you that you will find the peace you’re looking for at some point in this lifetime. Don’t wait for it to happen, you have to create that peace. Allow yourself the time and room to heal. Allow the relapses, but don’t give in to them. You are in control. This is your life, no one else’s.

To be continued…

Until next time. Stay safe and warm!

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*Informational post* This article goes over the different types of depression and some treatments that may be available for them. Keep in mind, these are not the only treatments available. 

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Where it all Began *Personal Post* (Depression Series)

Depression hit me when I was about ten years old. At 9 my parents got divorced and not much later my mom, sister, and I moved to Maryland. When we moved into our first house there and I started at a new school (4th grade) I was bullied by several different people. I was very awkward and awkward looking back then. I would wear a yellow T-shirt with bright red pants to school all the time. I still had the old school style straight across the forehead bangs, hair was always a mess, and I was one of the tallest girls in my class. Believe me when I say they sure never let me forget it. I started skipping school, which my mom had no idea at first and didn’t know why until about a year later, and didn’t want to be there anymore. The next school year we moved and I went to another new school. This new school was wonderful and I made some really good friends there. I was happy at school, but the damage had already been done.

I was having thoughts that I didn’t understand and they were brutal. Even to this day I would have to say they were the most brutal thoughts (suicidal and self-esteem wise) I ever had in my struggle with depression. Warning: this is where it’s going to be hard to read for some people, but I said I would be open and honest, raw and real with you guys. This is as real as it gets, as I am going to tell you about one of the brutal thoughts I had… It had become so bad that at the age of 10 I had told someone exactly how I was going to kill myself. I don’t remember exactly what I said now word for word, but I do remember the thought I had not too long before it. I had an image in my head of me sitting on the floor propped up against a door that was right outside my bedroom door. I had blood all over me and it had appeared that I cut myself. I had a noose around my neck as well and was clearly lifeless. I would tell myself back then that I was trash and that no one wanted me. I didn’t know why those kids had to be so mean. I didn’t know why these thoughts were going through my head. To make it all worse… I thought it was normal. I thought, “If I’m having these thoughts, then other people must have these thoughts as well.” I had told my friend basically that I was going to put myself in a trashcan like the trash I was and was going to kill myself.

Aside from the suicidal and negative thoughts, I isolated myself. I became a recluse and my room was my safe zone. I would sit in my room from the time I got home to the time I would go to bed. It was an endless existence of YouTube, TV, and self hatred. Kids from our apartment complex would come to the door, we loved to play kick ball and sometimes I would go out and play, but usually I would find some excuse as to why I couldn’t go out. Homework usually… I don’t believe I ever had homework when I said that either, like not even once. I would come out to eat and go to the bathroom, shower and all that stuff, but that was it. The rest of the time I was in my room. This continued for years, even when we moved back to Illinois and I went back to my very first school. When I was at school it was very rare that you would see me without a smile or laughing about something. While I was around people I was “happy” and people, even all through high school as well, would ask me how I was always so happy all the time. I was dying inside and no one noticed. No one could see it then. I would tell myself that no one cared. That no one wanted me. That if they didn’t notice then, to put an end to my existence really wouldn’t matter much.

To be continued.

For the first post I have decided to just start with where it all began. We would end up with a novel if I told the whole story in one post, so we will split it up with our informational posts.

Stay safe everyone and remember that you matter. You are loved and cared for even when it may not feel like it. You are needed and wanted here.

Quote of the Day (My pick):

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” -Dr. Seuss

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Quote of the day!

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Quote of the day! Another good one.

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Decided to do something a little different and add a daily quote outside of posts. A very good one for today.

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First informational post kicking off the depression series. This article goes over what depression is, the symptoms, treatments, and etc. 

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Lexapro: It’s A 9 out of 10 From Me *Personal Post*

Today’s personal post is going to be more of an update on how I’ve been doing since starting Lexapro and whether or not it has been a personal helper at the least. In my last personal post on this topic I was taking 10 mg Lexapro pills. On Monday October 9th, 2017 I went to the doctor for my 4 week checkup to see how it had been going (it takes about 4 weeks to start noticing the full effect of the medication.) During that appointment I had mentioned how it was starting to make a difference in my anxiety and I didn’t really have too many problems with side effects or anything along those lines. I had also mentioned to my doctor that I was noticing a difference in my anxiety, but was still experiencing anxiety attacks. They were shorter and not as severe, but definitely still there. That’s when we decided to move me up a dose to 20 mg. Below I’m going to list the side effects that I have noticed increase since moving up a dose and explaining a bit about the hardest ones. I’m pulling side effects from the article in the last informational post.

Side Effects:

Sleepiness or unusual drowsiness: I noticed this even when I was on 10 mg pills, so I was pretty much used to this side effect when it came to the 20 mg pills. It has been quite a struggle because it makes it hard to stay awake throughout the day and hard to get out of bed, but it’s easily worked around. It isn’t super uncomfortable to the point where it makes me hate the medication.

Trouble sleeping: When I took the 10 mg pills I did have trouble with this, but it would only last about 30 minutes and then I would fall right to sleep. Before taking the medication I could lay in bed for hours (sometimes 4-5 before I’d actually fall asleep) and so 30 minutes to fall asleep was actually a huge relief. However, since starting 20 mg pills I’ve gone back to having it be hours before I fall asleep. Another side effect is racing thoughts and this has been happening quite a bit. It’s still pretty early since I’ve switched so it’s supposed to be something that will subside after about one to two weeks.

Tightness of the chest/chest pains: This wasn’t a side effect that lasted very long, but when the switch first happened I did experience this for the first couple of days.

Dry mouth: This is another short lived side effect, but definitely did increase after the switch. Again, not uncomfortable enough to where it makes me hate the medication.

These are the only side effects that I have really noticed since the switch.

So far I have really liked Lexapro regardless of those side effects and I do notice that it has really been helping. Going to and coming home from Kentucky last weekend I did experience small episodes of anxiety, but they were even less severe than previously on the 10 mg dose and didn’t last very long at all. Where they would usually last 30 minutes to an hour and then the feelings would linger for days, it now lasts usually under 30 minutes and the feelings subside right after the attack is over. I would rate this medication a 9. I’m very glad that I decided to go and get help. Although I was very lucky to hit the nail on the head the first try. It’s not always that easy, but it is worth it. Lexapro won’t work for everyone the same as it did for me, but getting help in any way is extremely important regardless. As always, you don’t have to deal with this or go through it on your own. Reach out, push yourself outside of your comfort zone.

Again, my email and inbox is always open for any questions or anyone needing help.

This will be the last post for the anxiety series. The next informational post will be the opening for the depression series.

In the meantime, I hope you find the courage today to pull yourself out of the darkness that may be surrounding you. I promise it won’t last forever. Keep your head up and keep searching for the good in everyday.

Quote of the Day:

“If you aren’t in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” -T.S. Eliot

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This is the only medication that I have taken to treat my anxiety, so unforunately that is the only medication that I can speak about from personal experience. However, it may end up being helpful. This article goes over a lot of information about Lexapro and is what I find to be very helpful if you want to know the medical information behind the pill. Reminder: Medication affects everyone differently, so my reaction to Lexapro may be different than yours and vice versa. Just because it works for me doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else, but it is an option.