mystorythroughyoureyes - Tumblr blog

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

My letter to you

I have this burning need to message you and I've had it for the last couple of weeks. I don't know what's changed but I suddenly can't live my life without you in it. So instead of tearing open a fresh wound, I'm going to write it here, where you'll never see it. Maybe it'll help. But just for privacy reasons I'm not going to name names.

Dear Best Friend,

It's been two years already. I've waited two years, hoping that maybe you'd talk to me again. But as long as you're with her you won't. I asked my roommate about you the other day and she said you're thinking of leaving that abusive relationship again. I can't tell you how much it pains me to think you'll give in to her whims and decide not to. Because that's what you've done this entire time. You've just given in, given up, and hoped that one day you'll be happy. And now you're putting yourself through this bullshit again and I want nothing more than to be there for you so you can let it all out. I fucked up, back then. I didn't mean to say those things before I left. I was just so hurt and confused and I needed to breathe. I needed to focus on my family and myself. And then I realised I still needed you.

My roommate also told me you might try to reach out to me after you left her. I want to believe you'd do that but I'm so scared that you hate me. I can't stand to think that I've made you hate me after all those years of an amazing and beautiful friendship. If I could go back and change it all I would. I swear I would. Just so I can have my friend back.

Anyways, I know you'll never read this. I know I'm talking to thin air. I just wanted you to know that I miss you and I miss our talks. I miss making you laugh at the stupidest shit. I miss you.

Forever your friend,

Me.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Scary Darkness

There's this darkness inside of me

It lurks just beneath the surface

It stays quiet when it wants to

But rears its ugly head when it's bored

Nothing I do seems to stop it

I try to push it away

But it's sticky and black and full of things

It can take weeks of hard work

Weeks of suffering and coldness

Then it hibernates again until it's hungry

And feeds on what makes me happy

Until there's nothing left

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Run

Running, running, running.

From what?

I don't know.

It's there, I can feel it.

A tickle in the back of my mind.

A darkness that's always hungry

Wanting to destroy

I fight back with light and laughter

Friends and family

But is it enough?

Still running

Keep running

Don't stop

Watch your step

A trip or a fall and you'll tumble into the darkness

Heart is beating

Breath comes in pants

Run

Run

Run

Find your light

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Silence

The silence is deafening

I can hear the echos of laughter

See the memories of the past

I long to say hello

But will I get an answer?

Or will you walk by like a stranger

The warmth of friendship is gone

The coldness of anger slowly replaces it

Turn back time

To the time where the silence wasn't so loud

And the smiles were easy

Go back to when we cared

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

A Girl

There was once a little girl who was afraid to sprout her wings and fly. She was sweet and caring, soft spoken and broken. How she was broken, she couldn't even begin to tell you. She had family who loved her, though the family was split. She thought she had friends but elementary school is a weird area where you're either popular or you're the punching bag. Guess which one the girl was. So yes, she was broken. A girl who shouldn't have had to face the things she did but who faced them anyways. A girl who was said to have grown up at an age she shouldn't have grown up at.

One day this girl decided that the broken pieces of herself needed to be fixed. So she went on a journey. She started off at home with a little bag packed with some of her favorite things. She had to walk the entire way and sometimes she felt tired and was ready to give up. Sometimes she just lay down and looked at the sky. But then she would take out her favorite things and line them all up. A book, a picture, the smell of home and a toy. How she was able to bottle up the smell of home is beyond me but I'm just the narrator.

The book was about two girls who met when they were younger about and became best friends. The picture was of her family, smiling and happy. The smell of home reminded her of warm hugs, hot food and a fireplace to curl up next to. The toy was a look-alike of the girl and it reminded her of her younger years.

So after gazing at these things for a while, the girl would find her strength again and continue on this journey. She crossed mountains and fields, made friends with a fox and eventually came across a mirror.

When the girl looked in the mirror, she saw herself and not herself. She saw a woman who had grown up too early because of a split family and a hard childhood. She saw eyes that had seen too much of the world and wanted to forget it all. She saw a face that put on a smile for everyone but meant nothing. The girl realized this was her future. Sad and lonely and it wasn't something she wanted. So she broke the mirror.

As the glass fell, so did her fears. She felt herself change. The smile on her face wasn't fake. The friends she made were true. The family, while still split, loved her for who she was. The girl realized that, while there were bad things that had happened in her life, the one thing that was holding her back from moving forward was herself.

As the last pieces of the glass fell, the girl stepped through the mirror and felt her wings grow. She spread them, those mighty wings, and started to fly.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Feeling

That feeling of wanting to go back

That need to make everything right again

It's always there

It's always a constant reminder

Of what was

Of what could have been

Always being there to never seeing or talking again

Why does the pain last for so long

Why can't the memories just fade

It was fun

Always hanging out

Laughing

Talking

Even the silence sometimes

But we gave that up

We ruined things

We didn't want to fight anymore

We threw away that time

And now all that's left is sadness and pain

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Goodbyes

You know, the thought of never seeing you again actually hurts. I mean, you made me hate myself and then you made me hate you. Thinking back on it now I wasn't in the best of places mind wise so a lot of that was my own doing as well. And i dont know how long itll take to forgive you. But when I think of how we will never see each other again, I actually get sad. It sucks. I didn't even give you a proper goodbye. I just said I'm gone and off I went. I mean, i did say goodbye the frist time but i left an opening for us to be friends again. Now it just feels mor final. I kind of wish I could have a second chance to say a proper goodbye. I don't even know what I'd do. Or say. I'd probably start crying and maybe that's why I didn't want to do it.

I think everything is okay and I don't need you in my life but then something happens and the first thing I want to do is tell you. Or I want to go for a drive like we used to and walk around. I guess it's always going to be like that now.

I know you'll never read this, and even if you do I don't know if you'll care or not, but you'll always be my best friend.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

One Step ahead

So, after two years, I am happy to say I have officially finished my therapy. I've learned a lot during this time and I'm in a place where I can live happily and not be afraid of the darkness that lurks in my mind.

Over this time, a lot has happened. I've laughed and I've cried. I've been angry, hurt, frustrated and I've probably taken it out on people i shouldn't have (sorry). I've found love, had my heartbroken, rebuilt myself and moved on. I've surrounded myself with people who love me and who I love. I've opened up and found the help I needed.

I want to thank everyone who has been there for me since this started. You supported me when I needed it and offered me a shoulder we to cry on. I want to thank the people who hurt me too. Without you, I wouldn't have been able to find who I really am. I wouldn't have found the man i am with now, someone who is with me for me; who actually cares.

Despite everything that's happened I've come out smiling and I will continue to smile. Life couldn't keep me down for long. Now let's see what else it throws my way.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Forget

I deleted all the pictures

Erased all the videos

Blocked you from my life

looking at the memories was only a painful reminder of everything you stole

I can feel a piece missing

A place where I know you should be

It's slowly filling in

But it's not fast enough

Because the pain is still there

The memories make me cry

And all I want to do

Is forget.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Some days

Some days are still a struggle.

I get up, eat, go to work and come home.

Repeat.

Some days I don't have the energy to get up.

Some days I don't have the appetite or the will to shower and get dressed.

Some days I just want to lay down in silence.

Things have definately gotten better.

I'm happier, more free than I've ever been.

But some days are still a struggle.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Rain

I really love rain. The natural smell of everything seems to be boosted. Flowers get this heady scent around them that's memorizing. The earth is just the same.

The sound of rain is so soothing. I can fall asleep in seconds when a rainstorm hits. The pounding on the roof is like a lullaby to me.

The feel of rain is cleansing. Almost like a shower but it can wipe years off. Memories, feelings...it leaves a blank slate behind.

I love when it rains. The world around me fades and it's just me, in my room, tucked into bed and feeling safe.

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Dreaming

I had a dream last night, about a friend I had lost.

The dream showed apologizes and acceptance.

It showed friendship blooming anew.

Do dreams really come true?

Do we grab hold of something long since forgotten?

Or do we accept these dreams as nightmares and turn away?

Tell ourselves that the fake hope we felt was just that; fake.

Turn around and walk the other way

Pull the string further and further apart

And let the dream fade

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

I'd give anything to have one last conversation with you...

[mystorythroughyoureyes]

Dear Friend

It's been two years

I thought things would be easier by now

I thought you'd be out of my head

I thought I would move on

I want the time that was lost

I want conversations again

I want stupid jokes

I want my friend back

I'm an idiot, I know that

I shouldn't let this get in the way

I shouldn't even voice these things out loud

Saying it gives it more life, more meaning

Ignoring it makes it stronger and harder to resist

I keep wondering what would have happened if I didnt say those things

I keep wondering if we'd still be friends today

Things happen and the first person I want to tell is you

Why won't this loneliness go away