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[mytraumashears]

I Seek Emotion In My Time Off

I am from a middle class family, and work on an ambulance. My ambulance sees a moderate call volume in a small city, with a varied population of the elderly, gang members, people just trying to make it, and the aloof.

Because I work on an ambulance, I’ve developed a switch. This switch allows me to turn off my emotions on the job so that I can do my job in stressful situation. I’ve seen very brave 6 year olds who have zig-zag broken arms after a fall. I’ve seen the elderly accept death with grace because they had lived a good life, and they signed their DNR with the full knowledge that they did their best in this life. I’ve a child mourning, because their mother AND their step father couldn’t find it in them to beat their addictions, and he walked into their demise, prompting him to run to his neighbors to call me. I’ve seen a newborn struggle for life, and win, despite being born in the worst circumstances.

I am sure that my vocation is not the only one who sees these sides of life. I am sure that I am not the only one with a switch. We create the switch as a defense mechanism so that we can operate time and time again in the same depressive scenarios. A switch that allows us not to break down in front of a family who just lost their beloved to a freak accident; allows us to be healers in an invisible war.

So far, as it is, I’ve been unable to naturally turn that switch off on my own. Whether that’s because of culture (me being male), or because of my own desire to continue helping people on my days off, I will remain distancing my own problems from others even when it hurts.

Typically, alcohol brings me out of this state. I’ll drink and I’ll watch emotional youtube videos (look up Slyfer2812 for your dose), or emotional movies (my go to is “Before We Go” directed by Chris Evans) to really feel something. I’ve been guilty of causing drama and pushing people away, because at least if I can keep them away from what I feel, I’ll feel like I’m saving them too. Besides, their dealing with enough as it is and I don’t want them to know what I feel, because I know they feel so much worse.

“Winning? Is that what you think it’s about? I’m not trying to win! I’m not doing this because I wanna beat someone, because I hate someone, or because, because I wanna blame someone! It’s not because it’s fun. God knows it’s not because it’s easy. It’s not even because it works, because it hardly ever does! I do what I do because it’s RIGHT, because it’s DECENT, and above all it’s kind; just kind.” -The Twelfth Doctor

I’ve not yet figured out what I need to do to healthily cope. I’m currently on the road to fix my unhealthy eating habits, and exercise regularly. I’m learning to meditate, and accept that which I cannot control. I’m leaning on my friends and family a little bit more each week, but it’s hard. It feels unnatural because I’ve trained myself to be the way I am. 

Without the capacity for pain, we don’t know the hurt we inflict. Ultimately I’m glad I shoulder what I can, but in the future I look to figure this out. I want to be able to experience the joy and pain in life at all times. To use that emotion to put myself in the shoes of my patients, and become and advocate for those who are worse off than I. God know we can all use an advocate.

I don’t know why I decided to write this. I’m just here to ask you to take time for yourself, so that you can advocate for those around you; the world needs more of that. Learn to feel emotion in all areas of life. Learn to feel what other’s do, please.