vibinginpainsstuff - Tumblr blog

[vibinginpainsstuff]

I'm loosing it. I cut myself again. I'm drinking every night and throwing up every time I feel like I ate too much. I'm trying to starve myself and I somehow still gain weight bc of my medication. But not only my mental health is getting worse but my physical health too. The skin on my hand is getting really bad again and the medication doesn't work. I'm constantly tired and no doctor can help me. I really don't want to do this anymore

[vibinginpainsstuff]

I am not okay. I told my bf that I hate myself so much that I could kill myself and he didn't even say something. I want to cut again and I think I wasn't really sober in the last two weeks. I lied to my bf when he asked f I had cut myself bc he hadn't seen my thighs in weeks. I want help and I really want to get better. But it is getting so hard to pretend I'm fine. It's getting so hard to tell people what I feel and get ignored. I hate myself so much

[vibinginpainsstuff]

It only gets worse. I relapsed with purging and sh. I want to get addicted to something to kill the numbness or to intensify it. I hate when my bf touches my body or looks at it for too long. My friends never text me on their own only if I text them. They don't make time for me even when they are in my new city which is like 40 minutes away from my hometown. I am alone and I want to end it all. I want therapy but then I would have to talk to my parents but they thought all these years that I'm fine and don't need help (even when my ex BFF tried kill herself). Instead they get my little brother psychological help bc he doesn't want to go to school (valid reason but idk)

[vibinginpainsstuff]

i am feeling ao lost. i want to cut. my bfs mother is kind of teling me that I am useless during his move bc of my allergies to the cleaning products and I just want to die. I feel so fucking fat eventough the last few days I wasn't really eating and when I ate at night I puked. I'm am useless and fat

[vibinginpainsstuff]

I'm not happy. I hate myself so much and I just want to stop the pain. I want to sh. I want to feel the pain leave my body temporarily and let the physical pain be part of me. I want want be skinny , to feel my bones when I stand. I want to have those shivers when i feel cold and week bc I didn't eat enough. I want to feel light and special. But I'm not...

[vibinginpainsstuff]

I am at a moment in my life where u don't even know if it is the right decision to stay with my bf bc u feel I can't be like I want to. 3 years ago I found out after my ex broke up with me that I'm bisexual/pansexual. I had the opportunity to get with a girl/non-binary person and now I'm in a heterosexual relationship... he also said I must be hetero because I'm in a relationship with him... we also had talks about him thinking because I'm bi/pan I'm gonna cheat on him. I don't know..whe have so much problems and it doesn't matter how hurt I'm am bc of him, I'm always the problem. Whether it's him sleeping with people before they relationship because he was hurt and was kind of a fuck-boy and him being mad at me bc I kissed 3 boys at one party or me wanting to spend time with my friends without him bc u feel like he would judge us (he's a very jugdy person)

[vibinginpainsstuff]

[vibinginpainsstuff]

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[vibinginpainsstuff]

I don't think that I'm doing good and I'm seriously considering talking to a therapist. But at the same time I don't think I'm that bad. But I sh yesterday bc I drank like a bottle of some liquor and now I'm hiding it from my boyfriend...

[vibinginpainsstuff]

I don't know how much longer u can take this. Ich just hate myself so much and I'm at that point where u only want to be drunk and hurt myself the time. I don't know if it is related to the IUD I got but I don't feel well. I don't know what to do... I feel so numb

[vibinginpainsstuff]

Well the last few weeks weren't that great. I ate kinda normal and had binges/purges. I don't feel good but I have the motivation to change myself bc I saw videos on Snapchat from 3 years ago and I was soooo skinny (eventhough at the time I thought I was fat haha)

[vibinginpainsstuff]

[vibinginpainsstuff]

Today wasn't a great day. First i had a little binge around midnight and I only slept like 4 hours. But today was the day my boyfriend picked up his new car. So basically the whole day was about the new car. I am so happy for him and seeing him that happy makes me happy. But after picking up the car we had lunch at my parents and they even made a birthday cake for me because they couldn't be with me at my birthday. I ate so much today and now its like 8pm and my bf us already sleeping and I'm drinking again... I have the feeling that I'm about to binge again

[vibinginpainsstuff]

Okay forget about what I said earlier. My mood after that post just went down. I got told that someone figured out my email password and hacked my account and I tried so many ways to get my account back but nothing helped. I also drank like 3/4 of a wine bottle and I have a drink with vodka sitting right next to me. I'm so stressed right now and I feel so violated... I have my exams next week and even if I talk to my bf all he thinks about is his new car. I mean I'm happy for him but u feel so week and he doesn't even care...

[vibinginpainsstuff]

So today is a very good day. I only ate like some cucumber with humus, a very small piece of dark chocolate and I drank a sugar free energy drink. Thats around 233kcal. I know the day isn't over but my goal is to stay under 400kcal if I have to eat later with my bf.

[vibinginpainsstuff]

Okay I drank alcohol with like 400 kcals but that's kind of a lot because im already tipsy and i drank it very fast so i think i will get pretty drunk lul