mywindowslookwriting

[mywindowslookwriting]

Kissing Couples

would you want me with you for the end of the world?

i think i would, i think i would, i think i would, i think i would

i don’t want to think about death but it seems like all that’s left of you

you think i should, you think i should, you think i should, you think i should

will i ever dare to kiss you like i want to?

maybe i could, maybe i could, maybe i could, maybe i could

kissing couples in the cafeteria, we’re so unlike them i don’t know how to stand it

i know you could, i know you could, i know you could, i know you could

i think i would, you think i should

you think i should, maybe i could

maybe i could, i know you could

i think i would, you think i should

you think i should, maybe i could

maybe i could, i know you could

-written by sagan, december 8th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

The Teen-Aged Angel Girl

i want to touch you but you’re gone like smoke

i think i could love you but you just can’t cope

all we have are these parting glances

running empty on wayward chances

like a teen-aged angel girl

is that a dirty butter knife trying to cut me out of this world?

like a teen-aged angel girl

beautiful oysters and ugly pearls

we could be so close we could be so far

drive fast once you can afford a car

the finish line is finally in sight

i’d love you to stitch me up after a fight

like a teen-aged angel girl

is that a dirty butter knife trying to cut me out of this world?

like a teen-aged angel girl

beautiful oysters ad ugly pearls

like a teen-aged angel girl

is that a dirty butter knife trying to cut me out of this world?

like a teen-aged angel girl

beautiful oysters ad ugly pearls

-written by sagan, december 5th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

No One’s Here

i’m feeling jealous again

making playlists in the notes app at 10 pm again

never knew why never knew why

no one’s here to be my friend

feel like something’s wrong with me again

falling apart like nothing’s wrong again

never let me down never let me down

cause there’s no one here for me in this town

and i’m seeing myself in these songs again

when we’re living across the world again

a nervous wreck, an anxious sea

no one’s here to be my friend

what i’m missing doesn’t exist again

feeling lost and behind again

left alone to sing alone

no one’s here to be my friend

-written by sagan, december 2nd 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Ophelia

i spend so long trying to decide what to say

but i can’t connect the colours to the synapses

ophelia is desired even as she falls

men can’t save you anymore

men can’t save you anymore

men never wanted to save me

nobody tries to save me

my glasses are dirty and i want to cry

i have a loose tooth and i don’t want to do anything about it

i wake up too early, i sleep too late

she wears the same shoes everyday

i know it’s not poetic but i’m so unhappy

i know it’s not poetic but i’m not made for this universe full of sharp corners

i know it’s not poetic but i’m so unhappy

-written by sagan, october 7th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Familiar

your father is loud, what else is there to say? he is a man, nothing more, nothing less. you hear his voice carry up the stairs where it nestles between the two of you, growing and growing and digging sharp corners into your wrists until you have to seperate, transform into two normal people as he tells his mom about the new quentin tarantino flick.

why do teenagers head to the streets, forcing the respectable nine-to-fivers to gaze upon our foreheads, shiny with grease, and our clothes, awkward with love? it’s simple. your house is filling up inside with tense words and loud men, and complaints of headache until the walls are buckling and the windows threaten to break, and well, you, and by extension her, and just another mouth to feed and you feel bad for the burnt out bathroom light and the door that doesn’t close properly.

in the confines of your neighbourhood you are trying to float up into the sky. printed walmart blouses ask about your post-secondary plans and you dream of responding ‘i am going to the moon, i am going to bring a girl who doesn’t know where wyoming is but neither do i so it’s all okay’.

like a mantra you repeat to yourself, ‘soon we will be happy soon we will be happy soon we will be happy’ but it starts to escape into the cold november air and you didn’t bring a coat.

your name on her lips feels like a promise you can’t uphold. coming out of your father’s mouth, a promise he didn’t mean in the first place. and, well, your grandmother doesn’t say your name because between all the hereditary illnesses that make you quake in fear, she doesn’t really speak much anymore.

you wonder what they would say if they knew, and then you plunge your hand back in your jacket. sure, he likes bronski beat but it isn’t enough.

-written by sagan, october 4th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Sunrise

five years ago, i drew myself in sharp painted lines

but you keep lightning candles -wanting to soften my charcoal

not a joke but sometimes we can’t stop laughing

i don’t want to go on dates i want to hide

in my bedroom and kiss in dark alleys

not crime drama i just have electricity on my lips

maybe i’ll read you this poem tomorrow, standing beside the train tracks

maybe i’ll read this poem to you when you die and as you draw your last breathe i’ll still be in your mind

listening to music made beautiful by your association, and looking at your lips for a second too long

i know you told me to stop being so dramatic

and just lie down beside you

even now we’ll sit on opposite sides of the room

-written by sagan, october 1st 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

strong love grows / you grow up slow

i

you wake early every day. you can’t help it, even when you’re so tired every grain of stardust in you is begging. you’re begging for something, too. but no matter where you are, no matter what identical motel, you have to see the sky. life is slow, so you have to move fast. or is it the opposite? you can’t remember. plunge into the freezing water, choke in the smoky air. everywhere you go is alive, even in among the fluorescent plastic and gasoline fog. a life like this ensures you never have to dream, it’s just darkness of the edge of the world, then colour on the side of the road. like flipping a switch, he’s flipping a script. but even when you don’t dream, you dream. you start to picture a little house that the government doesn’t know about. sometimes he’s there, sometimes he’s not.

ii

you start to make lists of who would care if you died, but then you stop because the answer’s about as short as tapping on a window with a smile on his face. so you just keep running into the passenger side. it’s time to take the wheel. you hear crickets when he pushes you away, and hummingbirds when you orbit back around. there’s nowhere to go so you let the sky and it’s everything swallow you up. time goes fast, time goes slow, you adjust the dial away from the static. the world is sweet like honey, the acid in your eyes is sweet like honey, his mouth is sweet like honey. dollar bills in your back pocket, you stay quiet and watch the fight.

iii

your life is sprawling out on all sides, you see what’s left behind of you in flickering refrigerators and the midwestern sky as the world moves from dusk to night. it’s in the submerging that you begin to breathe, it’s below the moon and on top of cool leather that you can finally consider loving. standing on hot concrete, letting the heat pour out. you watch shimmers of a mirage stumble like a party girl through smoothly automatic doors. you ponder fabric, hanging still in the sky, a watchful father over all of us, a demand for a dead room slowdance, and ripped, stained, cheap that’s guaranteed to coax change. warm to the touch.

iv

you start to breathe easier every mile the van lurches forward. you wander through every street, the pavement all feels the same and you’re oddly comforted by it. his lies are like smoke, her anger is spiders crawling over you while you watch her sleepwalk. so you tell the truth, different truths for different neighbourhoods. you’re tired of the manicured lawns and roads no one ever drives down, and you’re tired of traffic and rickety railings. you don’t know who you’re gonna be tomorrow, you just want to feel the grass and the trees and the rain and the sky, and love every soul that flies past your eyes in the darkness. in fireworks, pain scabs over. in darkness of the water, pain flows free and safe.

v

eventually, you reach the end of the line, fall off the cliff into screaming and running. when you hit the ground your bones will break, but right now, oh the falling is so glorious. like a shot of mezcal, like a solo wolf howl. and this is america, and you can survive on nothing. and the summer is honey, and the languid life will raise you up.

-written by sagan, september 28th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Hunger

when life escapes a body like a frozen breath on a december morning

i’m always looking the other way

like seconds on a stopwatch

when will i start living?

i pray before bed – not religious but afraid

because you can’t dream while you sleep

hazy skies open to rain

it’s encouraging that you’re open to persuasion

this poem is pretentious but i think that’s okay

but the truth is i am afraid

of the ticking clock in the corner of the movie screen

and what’s waiting for me when i close my eyes

death is the closing of the bar, and i don’t know if the band will start playing

when i’m asked what i want i become a void of selfless modesty

but my stomach is rumbling

-written by sagan, september 25th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Autumn No.2

you held me in your arms until the morning came

you held me in your arms until the evening came

and then we got on with our day

maybe i’ll name names

just to watch how nothing will change

it’s only september / i feel adrift

it’s finally autumn if you get my drift

we held hands until we walked out the door

we held hands until we walked in their door

and pretended like we were friends, nothing more

maybe i’ll play games

buy your coffee with spare change

it’s only september / i feel adrift

it’s finally autumn if you get my drift

it’s only september / i feel adrift

it’s finally autumn if you get my drift

your name on my lips is a promise i can’t keep

when you’re gone i still can’t sleep

your face in my brain makes me weep

the sound of your voice is like drugs for cheap

it’s only september / i feel adrift

it’s finally autumn if you get my drift

it’s only september / i feel adrift

it’s finally autumn if you get my drift

-written by sagan, september 22nd 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Hi everyone, sorry for such a long hiatus. Life was busy, and I wasn’t feeling very inspired for a while, but I’m going to try to get back into the swing of things, starting with updating this blog with all of my writing from the wordpress version of this blog. 

[mywindowslookwriting]

Darling

i won’t wear the cross that you bear

and i won’t bear witness to the disguise that you wear

i see moving shadows out of the corner of my eye

in my pain i feel electrified

it’s all a lie

(it’s all a lie)

a certain something flowing through me

in the aftershock of tears you could say i feel free

you could say there’s something wrong

that it took me this long to tell the truth and not hide it in a song

a headache crowds my mind

maybe they know what i mean when i say i’m running out of time

i flip back through the pages

and reread through when i was happy and full of rage

is this enough to change me?

will i stop asking rhetorical questions and finally flee

my brain is aflame in oranges and reds

i sit for hours, decaying in my bed

what should i call this poem?

baby, sweetheart, darling, i find myself drawn to a low hum

cried twice in two days but i still

wonder about his intentions in talking to me – do men regard me as shrill?

almost a full page

i try to stop rhyming and just be chill

i live simple with quiet rage

-written by sagan, september 19th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Boy In A Band

my shelves are full of your records

my brain is full of your ideas

i’d always walk out the door and into your arms

and every window is looking like a mirror

but i’ll keep walking on

i’m just walking on

past your basement apartment and

your shrine to vince vaughn

cause you’re a boy in a band

just another boy in a band

keep strumming the same chords

playing the same songs

trying to find

different meaning this time

so i’ll keep walking away

i’m just walking away

past your basement apartment and

the street corner where you said you don’t like felicia day

cause you’re a boy in a band

just another boy in a band

go play your gibson

while i listen to cyndi lauper and have fun

go call me crazy

to justify your mistakes to your baby

cause you’re a boy in a band

just another boy in a band

cause you’re a boy in a band

just another boy in a band

-written by sagan, september 16th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

I Want a Brain / I Need a Heart

a bloody red mass moving quickly down the street

no one notices – not the loud businessmen in their business suits

not the pretty ladies with loud hair and quiet eyes

so you follow your heart – maybe just because you want to mend the gaping hole in the middle of your chest

is this love?

will chasing your own heart down a busy sidewalk be your lot in life?

all of these thoughts flow like a river independent from a brain

and for a second you think ‘have i lost that too?’

but no just take a short pause with your eyes on your heart to check behind your ears and find that although red may be gone, grey still remains

-written by sagan, september 13th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Autumn No.1

frigid air floats through the open window

like a beautiful girl in her party dress carried in a coffin

smooth out cracked spines torn pages

stitch up twisted bodies parchment hearts

i long for what i don’t have i stare into the sun wishing for you

i shiver in the breeze i shiver in anticipation of love

and feeling alright

curled under a blanket i’ll sleep for twelve hours alone

clothes litter my floor but i feel okay

i don’t have to feel every online post in my insides

baby on the bus won’t you smile for me?

my hands are cold this sweater isn’t enough

to stop the much too early coming of fall

the coming of my fall from what couldn’t even be called glory

i’m learning how to write in cursive

-written by sagan, september 10th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

No Homo

i’m in love with love

the sight of two girls dancing on the tv screen

hold my hand, hold my heart in place

please don’t rip out my ribs from my chest while we slumber

i’m in love with love, and pretending that it hurts

on thrashing waves, i’ll learn to live

but you just kept going and going and i had to let you go

there simply comes a point where your bones will break

and your lungs will burst and you’ll push me away

with water splashing over your screaming wounds

but i will stay, even when my hands on your face feel like acid slowly burning our skeletons away

but at least there will be one world where we can be together

darling, leave me a note on the kitchen table

wait for me to order our food

write our names in the sand

and then you can be free, you can leave to do what you have to do

and i’ll cry, and scream, and swim too far with water filling my hands

but there was a brief period of moments where we were happy

so i can make my peace with the embroidered hole in my heart

-written by sagan, september 7th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

A Partial A24 Ranking

A24 is an American production company, known for creating indie megahits like Midsommar, Moonlight, and The Spectacular Now. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any of those. But irregardless, here is my (partial) A24 ranking, of just the ones I’ve seen.

10. Mid90s (2018) dir. Jonah Hill

The directorial debut from actor Jonah Hill is a ‘slice-of-life’ look at teen skateboarders, with some nice cinematography, 90s nostalgia, but also unfortunately a huge helping of toxic masculinity and lack of consequences. The main characters toss around slurs casually, and they cheer when the thirteen-year-old boy protagonist has his first sexual experience with a much older girl – who was possibly 22-23 at the time of filming. Drug use is romanticized, and the ending finds characters still static and without consequences for their bad choices. Honestly, if you like skateboarding movies, just watch Skate Kitchen.

9. The Bling Ring (2013) dir. Sofia Coppola

The true story of a group of wealthy L.A. teens who robbed various celebrities like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan is turned into a surface-level enjoyable film. I enjoy Sofia Coppola’s work, and the film takes the viewer on a wild ride of privilege and celebrity, but it has a tendency to feel like the viewer is being given the keys themselves, with Coppola not really having anything to say about their actions. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it leads to a film that feels a little devoid of meaning.

8. Eighth Grade (2018) dir. Bo Burnham

A surprising directorial debut from a comedian, Eight Grade looks at, well, the last week of eighth grade as a socially awkward girl tries to survive until high school. As a movie, it’s so deeply apt it’s insane, and features some great acting from Elsie Fisher as the protagonist, but the only reason I couldn’t rank it higher is because there was so much second-hand embarrassment – as anyone who used to be a child now thinking about everything they did as a kid understands – that it was hard to watch. That being said, I still definitely recommend it.

7. The Florida Project (2017) dir. Sean Baker

In the shadow of Disneyland, kids living in motels play, go on adventures, and get into trouble while the adults in their lives struggle with money and hard choices. The contrast plunges the viewer back into childhood, but makes the adult issues blindingly clear in a moving snapshot that feels like hot summer on your skin as it moves from slow-moving happiness to fear to frustration to anger, and finally, maybe, hope.

6. Room (2015) dir. Lenny Abrahamson

Based on a book, a woman (Brie Larson) kidnapped and trying to raise her son (Jacob Tremblay) in a single room. It’s emotionally devastating, with superb acting – Brie Larson won an Oscar for her role -, and although it cut a lot and isn’t entirely faithful to the source material, but that’s okay because it’s such a moving and eventually heartwarming drama film.

5. Never Goin’ Back (2018) dir. Augustine Frizzell

In the hot Texan world of Never Goin’ Back, poverty is a given. So why shouldn’t two best friends celebrate one of their birthdays at the beach, even if it means spending their rent money? The movie is funny, many of the girls’ antics are hilarious, and a beautiful celebration of the many forms – and frankly, insanely homoerotic in this case – of female friendship. It has its flaws, putting it lower on the list, but Never Goin’ Back makes it easy to laugh, or to give opportunities to look deeper into its meaning.

4. The Farewell (2019) dir. Lulu Wang How far would you go for family? Would you lie to them about having terminal cancer so they are happy for their last few months? For families in the western world, this question is unfamiliar, something no one would consider doing, but the film’s look at a Chinese family reuniting under the pretense of a wedding in order to spend time with the protagonist’s grandmother for the last time is intensely relatable because it is about family. Whether laughing or crying, the Farewell deftly tackles messy family lives, and all you can learn from others just by listening.

3. 20th Century Women (2016) dir. Mike Mills

In the rapidly-changing landscape of late 70s California, an older single woman is struggling to raise her teenaged son, so she enlists the help of his best friend and a punk artist boarding in their house. The cinematography and structure takes risks, with colour pouring out of highway scenes, and the future lives of characters being revealed, but it’s not artsy and inaccessible. It’s surprising that a male director could have represented different types of women and their struggles, but he did it, and he did it well.  

2. American Honey (2016) dir. Andrea Arnold

Lead actress Sasha Lane was discovered on a beach with her friends during spring break. Her character is invited to travel through America selling magazines with other misfit teens in a grocery store parking lot. The almost three-hour long movie is as sprawling as the sky in the south and midwest of America. It’s a hot summer day that feels refreshing, not stifling. It’s young love and lingering closeup shots. It’s the American dream, updated. American Honey is almost three hours long, freeform and calm, beautiful and frantic. It’s a languid summer day, and the cool glass of water you inhale afterwards. Simply, it is American Honey.

1. Lady Bird (2017) dir. Greta Gerwig

Trying to escape your hometown. Arguing with your parents. Falling in love, or maybe not. Dancing at prom with your best friend. Moments of universal high school feelings add up to a superb directorial debut from writer and actress Greta Gerwig of one seventeen-year-old girl in her last year of high school. Appearing on the surface as a straight-forward coming-of-age film, the focus on the women of the film that rarely finds time to stray to love interest characters makes it feel fresh, especially helped by wonderful acting from Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf. It’s an alternative glimpse of life packaged into a mainstream tale of relatability that makes it A24’s best film.  

-written by sagan, september 4th 2019

[mywindowslookwriting]

Girls and Boys

girls and boys

kids no longer wanna play with their toys

girls and boys

he sidles up to me, god what a ploy

girls and boys and pirates too

i don’t want to admit it but it’s all for you

girls and boys and too many vampires

i can’t understand why i’m afraid of fire

girls and boys and me

sitting on the sidelines away from the debris

girls and boys and me

the chains are broken but i still don’t feel free

girls and boys

all living in south detroit

girls and boys

she can still remember Troy

girls and boys and pirates too

did you drove, or did you flew?

girls and boys and pirates too

so many questions to have the answer too

girls and boys and too many vampires

isn’t it so easy to call her a liar?

girls and boys and me

to be or not to be, to have a body

girls and boys and me

i didn’t have the money

girls and boys and everyone but me

-written by sagan, september 1st 2019