nancypancy99-blog

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I want to kill myself so bad but I’m such a pussy

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If you need someone to talk to, just message me or send an ask :-)

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Gentleman?

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GOOD VS. EVIL

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Spirit Animal

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life shouldn’t be this exhausting. im not living im just surviving.

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My mom told me she doesn’t know what I expect from her, my father, my brother, or grandmother. I expected support. I expected love. I expected compassion. I expected a safe place.  I expected a FAMILY.  I knew I was difficult to love. But I didn’t know I was so worthless. Nobody every wants to deal with it. Even when I’m trying. I try. I swear. I pretend like I’m happy. All I said was I feel so alone and that’s what I got. She doesn’t know what I expect. I expected a fucking mom. 

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wrote this for my ex, too scared to send so posting here

Yno I wasn’t tryna drag u down w me. I wasn’t tryna ruin ur life or make u sad with me or any of that. I didn’t do this on purpose. Honestly all I wanted from u was to know u still loved me even tho I’m like this. I wanted u to not care I was like this yno. I wanted u to see the good and say fuck it it’s worth it anyway. And I honestly was always a bitch cuz I was scared u were gunna leave. Idk why I was so scared to lose u. U actually saw the good in me. U actually saw me. U made me wanna be better and do better. Motivated me. Idk it’s like when I realized how easily I could lose u n that happiness I panicked. N everyday I tortured myself with the thought what if what if what if what if he leaves. N I couldn’t even enjoy it. N now it’s gone n idk how to handle it. I want to hate you so bad but my heart won’t let me. Every time I think about it my heart shatters all over again and I get this burning sensation inside my whole body. I really love you. And it saddens me so deeply that I lost my love. Just want it to stop hurting. I hate I’m like this. I hate that I feel so much I hate that I care so much I hate it so much. Made me lose what mattered most. You. 

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You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

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Truth is I’m really fucked up. I’m more fucked up then I thought and it scares me every day to realize that I’m really the problem. No one else is. It’s me. And idk how to change it. I’m scared nobody loves me like this everyone is waiting for me to change and get better. But idk what the problem is. I just feel lost and alone and nobody understands me. I can’t be happy because of me. Idk what’s wrong with me. Scared of losing everything because of it. And I can’t even change it. Everyday I wake up and I just cry because it’s still there. It won’t go away. Why am I so worthless. Why doesn’t anybody hear me? 

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I think I want my next piercing to be through my heart with a wooden stake

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I’m so mad at myself. 

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“My brother killed himself on the twenty-eighth Thursday of last year and I missed four days of work and my mom wanted to know ‘Why’. My brother he was always a fan of beauty but what he did was not beautiful at all. And last week I got the news that one of my good friends from high school had overdosed (again) except this time she’d gone too far and now she was gone. And I had a hard time falling asleep at night and her mother hugged me tight and thanked me for coming to the service but I did not want to be there at all. This is not beautiful. The girl down the street would’ve turned 21 last year and I can scarcely imagine the wild times she would’ve (should’ve) had. But she is buried six feet deep after falling nearly 300 and she did not leave a note. This is not beautiful. My freshman year of college and my roommate was beautiful and how I wanted to be just like her. But she wore herself down till she was almost invisible and if you blinked you had to go and find her all over again. So now her parents are no longer supporting her college tuition but are paying her hospital bills watching their daughter crumble. This is not beautiful. So y’all can take your narcissistic romanticizing and glamorizing of self harm and eating disorders and committing suicide and shove them as far up your ass as you possibly can. Starvation is not beautiful. Killing yourself is not beautiful. Sadness is not beautiful. This note I am writing is not beautiful. But you you are beautiful and it’s about damn time you start believing it.”

— (via runiqu)

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I really don’t wanna lose you but I lost all control now and idk if I can do this fuck