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nayanikarss · 3 years ago

Text

warning | angst, very light kisses.

character | miya atsumu, miya osamu, kiyoomi sakusa.

pairing | sakuatsu

"...because i was the one who left, wasn't i? it's only expected for me to be happier, bcs if i am not, wouldn't i look pathetic?"

kiyoomi said in an interview. he's just retired, 36 years old now. people would assume he's talking about MSBY.

but he's talking about atsumu too.

it's his first ever interview in japan, after moving to france about 13 years ago after five years of playing there, he had decided to apply for citizenship by naturalization. a few years after that he played in the olympics defending the country

he had left MSBY.

and atsumu.

"do you have any regret?" the interviewer asked again

kiyoomi flashed a small smile, trying to sit on the sofa comfortably so people dont see his nervousness.

it's a TV interview, he needs to look composed.

"...of course i do." he said, voice still calm,

"i am 36 years old now, there are a lot of things i wish i did differently."

"was leaving one of that regret?" the MC asked, not in a disrespectful way, though. kiyoomi had agreed to this interview, he knew this question would come up

"...i didn't regret leaving," he begins,

"...but what i regret is... the distance that my decision brought between me, and those people who are important to me."

it's always a hard thing to say--and kiyoomi hadn't said this to anybody ever. not in 13 years.

how he really felt. what exactly happened.

"so if you can turn back time, would you do anything differently?"

kiyoomi takes a deep breath. he knows he had this, he can control his emotion.

"...well, i would still leave." kiyoomi said, "...but i wish i had fulfill some promises, and i wish some people also keep theirs."

"what promises, if you dont mind sharing?"

kiyoomi bit his lower lip in hesitation and then smiles at the MC

"...just... about relationships i wanted to keep. that i was afraid of losing, but yeah... i lost it anyway."

"...but i am sure a lot of your fans out there, also volleyball fans, they are glad that you make that decision. because turned out it was the decision that made you one of the best spikers in the world. so how does it feel now?"

kiyoomi bows his head a little, in gratitude

"...it's a lot like, the feeling after you bought something very expensive, that you have wanted for a long long time and you have worked hard for it." he said, his voice low and controlled

"...there's this satisfaction, right? when you see that thing you wanted being yours."

"...but only then, when you have that thing inside your hands for awhile... you started thinking, ah... well... this thing was very very expensive and i paid a lot for it. now i look at my saving and think, is this expensive thing worth it?"

the MC nodded, listening carefully

kiyoomi continues, "...and of course it is worth it. afterall, i have worked so hard, earning money and saving to be able to buy it. and maybe i have lost a lot of time, lost a lot of friends, because i was so focused on trying hard to buy this expensive thing."

"...but there are parts of me that thinks... what if i didnt work too hard for it and just... you know... save money slowly, rest sometimes, play with friends sometimes... maybe i would feel differently." he said

"...because this expensive thing is like my achievement now. and the time, energy, and relationship that i sacrifice for this, is the amount of payment i needed to make."

"...so just like how someone would feel after a very very expensive purchase... there is this part of me that feels very poor right now." kiyoomi forced out a laugh

"...and a part that questions, what if i didn't."

the MC and audiences gave an ovation, clapping their hands as if kiyoomi just said the most inspirational thing... meanwhile really, he didn't.

it's just a raw feeling, being put into a metaphor.

it's haunting, and there are regrets and guilts. but who would he tell this to?

"...so, the last question. is there anything you would like to say, to those you mentioned who were very important to you?"

kiyoomi pressed his lips into a thin line.

he needs to word this one carefully so he doesnt cause any unnecessary rumor.

"well... back then someone did tell me that i was a great spiker." kiyoomi said, "...and i would be able to score with tosses from just anybody."

kiyoomi takes another deep breath.

"...but he guaranteed, no satisfaction would come close to hitting his perfect tosses."

"..i just want to say that... he was right. i found nothing had come close, not any, in a whole 13 years."

kiyoomi nods, signaling that he has done speaking. the MC requested for another round of applause and the audience gave a very big one

kiyoomi smiles and bows respectfully

on his way to his hotel, kiyoomi opened his twitter and found that his name is trending, along with MSBY and somehow... Miya Atsumu.

it is expected, though. people would know that he was talking about atsumu in his last answer. afterall, back then they were a very popular duo

when he scrolled, #sakuatsu was also trending, sending him to the past where fans often call them that. some even suspicious that they are dating, there were articles about that. but nothing was confirmed to the media, though. they let people assume while they continue to play.

after kiyoomi left MSBY abruptly 13 years ago... the response had been divided.

they were on top of their game, winning competitions here and there, being #1 club in japan.

and right at the peak of the popularity, kiyoomi breaks his contract with the club and decided to leave.

there are a lot of suspicion. a lot of speculation.

after their last match where they won gold, kiyoomi had disappeared from the crowd, not even attending their celebration party.

the news broke the next day and kiyoomi's phone almost exploded with all the calls and texts

the reason that got out in the media was that kiyoomi was offered a bigger opportunity. some article said, MSBY was too small for a talent as big as kiyoomi. they wouldnt be able to manage him well because he deserves more.

kiyoomi never gives his official statement, though.

some people had supported him. some had bashed him and called him a traitor.

some hate him so much and called him a liar, for letting people believe that he considers MSBY as friends. family, even.

some said, it's because a love affair.

kiyoomi had read every articles, even comments on the internet.

some said that kiyoomi has a feud with someone in the team over a girl. some said either he molested or being molested by one of the members. some said he's running away from a failed relationship inside the team.

people's imagination are so wild, kiyoomi thought. but some of them still got it right.

that day, atsumu had called him so many times, texted him so many messages. but kiyoomi didnt pick up, didnt answer any of them.

he busied himself packing for his flight to france.

kiyoomi remembered he cried that night. he buried his face on his folded arms, sobbing his heart out in his apartment.

what decision has he made, he wasn't so sure.

he might look happy in the team, but at the same time he's so miserable all the time.

atsumu had been so close all the time, that he could smell, touch, and kiss him.

but atsumu is also so far away, keeping him secret as if he's a sin - because back then when they were young, no mistake was allowed in order to reach their dream.

the relationship, was a mistake.

kiyoomi had mentioned it to atsumu a lot of times, what if they just come out. if people cannot accept them, they can move to other countries because with their skills they can survive anywhere as athletes.

but atsumu is always a little bit more complicated.

unlike kiyoomi, atsumu has family at stake, has people to please, has people who depend on him.

afterall atsumu didnt come from a wealthy family like kiyoomi.

being in MSBY actually is the safer choice for him, for his family, even for his future. he /needed/ that certainty.

kiyoomi's request has sounded like a selfish demand for atsumu. the dream of them playing together in france without needing to hide how much they love each other, was a mere dream, because atsumu wasn't brave enough to actually pursue it.

and kiyoomi understands why he wasn't.

atsumu couldn't agree with kiyoomi, because he has too much to lose. while kiyoomi has nothing.

kiyoomi couldn't stay with atsumu because it's suffocating. he has nobody else, he has only atsumu to confide, yet he couldnt. not where people can see.

kiyoomi knows that they need to go through a lot of things if they ever decide to make their relationship public: there are contract issue, people's sentiment, what society thinks... and because they are now well known athletes, atsumu's family would also be affected.

atsumu couldnt gamble with that. and kiyoomi didnt ask him to.

kiyoomi knows and understand how atsumu would always choose his family over him, and that's only natural for him to do that.

it's not that he doesnt love kiyoomi enough. it's just how real world works.

"...i'm not less yours even if people don't know, kiyoomi." atsumu had said.

kiyoomi had nodded that time, and he kissed atsumu on the lips.

but he knew he wouldnt be able to stand it. he would need to go before he breaks his heart more.

so he went away. not telling anybody.

only a resignation letter, and a sum of money for breaching his contract with MSBY.

he disappeared for more than eight months, trying to build a home for himself in the city that his mother loves

at least, he could reminisce about his memory with her there while healing himself

so yeah, that was what the world didn't know.

not even atsumu, maybe

but that decision had worked for the both of them

atsumu had been able to make a great life for his parents, supported his brother through college, make a name for himself as the setter of japan national team

kiyoomi had been named one of the best spikers of all time. he had won silver for france in olympic.

they should have no regret, right?

they are where they wanted to be. even though not together.

maybe that's a price they have to pay. the scarifice they have to make.

but kiyoomi doesnt know what makes him come to onigiri miya in tokyo, five days in a row, not even knowing what to expect.

he knows that osamu is not the one who runs the store. he knows that even smaller chance of finding atsumu there. the man lives in osaka.

but still, maybe.

maybe it's the name that comforts him. maybe it's the food; the same one they always eat after practices back then.

maybe it's kiyoomi's way of nursing that part of him, which is longing for atsumu so much that his heart bleeds for it.

he had been missing atsumu so much that the weight of emptiness that he left behind is unbearable.

it's excruciating - and the loneliness is enough to keep him awake at night because he doesnt know where he could take this longing to.

he can only keep it to himself.

so like the other four nights, he steps out of the store and decided to walk back to his hotel

his flight back to france is tomorrow afternoon, he'd better packing as soon as he's arrived

once again, he would leave this country with the same emptiness

but regret? he has a few.

"...sakusa-kun?"

and that voice he recognize halted his steps.

so he looks back. he wears his mask so if people still recognize him like this, must be someone who knows him.

"...oh god i hate that he's right." the man said.

kiyoomi was too stunned to speak or do anything

standing right before him, is someone whose face resembles someone he missed so much.

the man was panted, as if he had been running. he holds his phone in his right hand, smoke coming from his mouth because of the cold winter night.

"...you're really here." he said

"...osamu-san." he said, voice coming out more hesitated than he intended to.

"...someone's been yelling at me to find you, please wait here im calling him now."

kiyoomi was stunned. he needed time to process what is happening.

he's really standing in front of osamu -

who is calling his brother, for kiyoomi.

his brain freezes. kiyoomi blames the winter in tokyo.

"...yes, oh god let me speak!" the man yelled to the phone. oh how they haven't changed.

osamu gives his phone to kiyoomi, and he hesitantly takes it and brings it close to his ear

"...please, please tell the old man to sit tight and to drive to tokyo tomorrow morning instead of tonight." osamu said, exaggerating his annoyance

"...hello." kiyoomi said, but he was immedialy cut by a frantic man across the phone

"kiyoomi! i watched the interview."

kiyoomi gulps. he doesnt dare to imagine where this would lead

"...i have something to tell you too, please, please just wait for me--"

"...your brother said dont drive to tokyo tonight." kiyoomi said, making his voice as flat as possible. osamu nods to him and gives a thumb up

"what?! no way, i'm--"

"...i will still be here tomorrow, tsumu." kiyoomi said, and the man across the line stops yelling. "...drive safely tomorrow morning."

"...ya promise?" atsumu asked, hesitantly.

kiyoomi bites his lower lip, warmth fills his entire chest cavity.

"...only if you promise to come tomorrow morning." he said

"okay, okay, deal. you promise, yeah?" atsumu said again.

"yeah, i guess..." kiyoomi smiles a little

"...dont say 'i guess', say that you promise"

kiyoomi chuckled - why does this feel easier than he ever thought?

"i promise."

"...great. great. we will keep the promise this time, yeah?" atsumu said, referring to all the promises they have failed to fulfill.

"yeah." kiyoomi said - a big burden was lifted from his chest.

- end! -

oh hey! you made it all the way to the end. I'd like to thank you for your support.

feel free to like and reblog but don't repost, okay? once again thank you so much and I'll see you in the next work.

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