netvuxok - Tumblr blog

[netvuxok]

You are not the victim. 

You are not the one’s life that got impacted in a bad way over the past 2 years. 

You did this to yourself.

Don't go blaming me for all your misery. 

Don't blame me for not liking you anymore.

Don't blame me for not acting like that old me.

I dont wanna talk to you

I don't wanna see you

I don't want to be around you.

[netvuxok]

So lost in my Own thoughts Like a little kid lost in a supermarket. I forget everything and chose not to remember. Thinking about how it was and what its not Understanding that something wont last forever. Dozens of thoughts still go through my mind Even when I'm alone.

[netvuxok]

The man I once loved - L

drugs or me, is how my relationship went, what was I getting into dating a man who sold and used drugs? an innocent girl who hasn't touched anything other than the medicine her parents forced her to have as a child.

But then he had to come along, In a fancy bucket hat and a skateboard always touching his feet. What wasn't perfect about him?

we had never had an argument and never had a disagreement. he understood my thoughts and I understood his. I don't understand why it had to go downhill from there.

The topic of drugs was one of the key things he would talk about. I was never bothered by it because it was him and I loved him. He never made me feel uncomfortable when he mentioned it and he would talk about it in such a positive way.

He was a man who was made to party and stay up all night. Gaths, raves, nightclubs, and him always wanting to know how to DJ made me want to be like him, do the things he did, because well he made me feel like I could do anything. I didn't know doing the things he did would lead me down such a bad path.

He was well-known for going to every party he was able to get into. You'd know he'd end up being there no matter what. I didn't see it as a red flag at the time because I knew he was loyal and was only there to get alcohol and snatch some bud off people and I was fine with it.

Up until this point, I have never ever done anything that would make u high and he was ok with that because I also knew he loved me for that but the longer I was with him the more I saw a little change in him which actually scared me.

It was never anything big but he would make really small comments over time saying "you'd be the perfect gf if you did bud", or even "id invite you to the party but I know you don't smoke". but my favorite one was "how do you even skate but haven't had bud before". At the time I really thought he was just Fw me and just trying to tease me but I knew deep down he meant some of them.

From there it just kept building up and becoming worse. I never wanted to smoke due to my dad being an active smoker for more than 38 years and us always needing to take precautions so he doesn't get sick or anything and daily checkups for cancer, as a little kid it scared me and it put me off it for a very long long time.

I never told him that though but I was just hoping he would respect my wishes and somewhat understand but he didn't.

and then 4 months into the relo he moves. Not out of the country but somewhere that would take at least a 4-hour drive (basically the middle of nowhere). Him starting new, having time to breathe and relax, and some type of break. and in full honestly I really thought we were gonna end. We didn't and we actually got better in that time period of a month.

I was so happy we could finally have a convo without him mentioning bud or drugs for once. I enjoyed it, I finally felt at peace once again. It didn't last for long.

after that month, he came back but worse.

he moved to not only bud but now moving to acid and shrooms and after that coke then meth. I didn't recognize him. He didn't make time for me he was always out with other girls doing god knows what yet I still loved him and trusted him. I was young and dumb.

And you do the dumbest things for the people you love.

I'm aiming to finish this when I have time but I don't want this locked up in my drafts to the point I forget about it

thank you sm if you ended up reading this

[netvuxok]

I wanted you as a mom, not an enemy. But here I am with not a mom and not even an enemy.

[netvuxok]

I was tired. I was really tired. I just wanted to sleep. That's why I did what I did. So I could sleep forever.

My last note.

[netvuxok]

I always think about how things could be different, words you probably read in every book u can find. When it comes to this though maybe different wouldn't be the better option

[netvuxok]

I fell Inlove with your eyes, the way you smiled at me, the way you used your words so perfectly so you know it wont upset me but yet here I am with someone else and every conversation we have makes me think of you.