nochanceofknowing

[nochanceofknowing]

a future with you

is a constant humming in my head.

and this year long split

is a threat to what we have.

there is a limit

and it’s time to make a decision 

with where we stand.

i cannot be tied down long

with empty promises.

i’m asking for you and your time,

why is that so much to ask for

why is that so hard to give.

you pursued

and i will leave

if this leash is tugged by the 

hand of another visit

before you leave again.

unneccesary strain.

you should know i don’t play hard to get.

you have me!

and now you pretend it’s not there it seems.

when we’re together it’s a high,

and then we’re back to square one

of repeated heartbreak and another

thousands of miles between us.

how much more is it gonna take

till you fucking SEE

this is what threatens

what we have.

another long split 

will make this a pipedream.

A dream.

of what could have been. 

[nochanceofknowing]

but sometimes i feel silly,

when i recall your ambitions and desires.

i guess its selfish to feel so deserving; 

i don’t want to keep you held back.

you’ve given me quite the taste of what i used to crave,

you’re teasing me now, 

it’s only samples of what you used to feed me, 

when i give you the whole bowl. 

[nochanceofknowing]

a year and a half in and it’s not how I imagined. 

being hundreds of miles away is one thing,

feeling like I’m boring you is another. 

back to square one of feeling like a chore,

such a damper on my heart, so many words from you I’ve come to adore.

hours and hours on end of nothing,

when it used to be hours and hours of stimulation and warmth.

nevermind me, perhaps it’s all in my head,

of what it is now or what it used to have been. 

[nochanceofknowing]

I think this is important to mention, that being compassionate and forgiving must not lead to being naive. There ARE abusers out there, so stay observant, always. A spiritual life does not not mean a life of open arms and invitations to everyone, it simple means that you generally try to love, empathize and forgive. This can be done without putting yourself at risk. Trust your instincts, stay observant, and though universal love is great, don't be naive, naive is not a virtue.

[nochanceofknowing]

sonder- the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own

[nochanceofknowing]

evolve

A year ago around this time was a spiral.  And not the fun kind. It’s calmer now for sure, everything is a  cycle I guess.

I don’t have time to feel bad about  myself anymore. There’s nothing to feel bad about except the mistakes I made that all I can do is learn from. Truly learn.

This world is different. A little harder but striving to become who I want to  evolve into is so much better than lying  in the wait. The pressure of succeeding  gives me such a high  but wants me to tear out my hair all at once.

This year is good. I feel a little more free.

It’s funny how once you grow into adulthood you see how all the figures in your life have their own little secrets.

It’s even better when you learn about them.

But my mouth is a safe, a hidden vault. Only from the ones who truly pose a threat. 

You have to make yourself feel things. It doesn’t just happen upon you magically. 

And you learn what you really want.  And how to be realistic about the uncertain. It sucks. It really 

R E A L L Y

sucks. But it’s real and you wanted realness spread throughout your life like butter on bread and it’s there and the bite the chewing the mouthful of it is what you were waiting for. 

Sometimes the uncertainty is too much to handle.

You start to look for signs or  reading too much into that last text or the tone of their voice and suddenly you remember that you’re not them

and sometimes  it makes it better.

but then it doesn’t.

It’s just thinking. a way to entertain yourself because you’re bored with the self destruction and crave it all at once.

This is character development.

All you can do is be happy with what you’re trying to become. 

[nochanceofknowing]

It is here that I breathe in the newly cleaned sheets, expecting to feel a sort of restoration.

The act of making the bed is a simple yet intimate process; how do you normally fold the sheets?

And it's a clean refreshing feeling, to peel off last night's 3am cry or the leftover lube you used after you visited his house. You clean off any accomplishments made in those old sheets you would sweat in cry in fuck yourself in and it's a reminder that it is always just you in that bed.

Don't dare bring anyone in. Your capsule of seclusion, your pod of solitary, reserved only for yourself; they can't makeup for that.

[nochanceofknowing]

“Self-care is how you take your power back.”

— Unknown 

[nochanceofknowing]

we have such a history. in a not-too-short amount of time, we’ve been angry and frustrated, saddened and crushed.

it wasn’t all for nothing.

a small bump in the road, it’s possible there are many others. 

Bigger even.

I’m about to start a new decade; I will flush out as much negativity as I can.

Because I still dream of you.  Even when it hurts and when the sobbing won’t stop and the  insecurities continue to build up.

I want you to love me again, the  same way when we read that all too familiar poem and

felt the reassurance that in time we’ll have each other.

I rely on actions more than words. 

Just love on me, that’s all I need. 

I can go without the sex for days, it’s the forehead kisses and side hugs and breathing in to each other that I so desperately crave.

It’s the lying on your chest and  feeling you look down on me and I look up and see your beautiful face. with that perfect smile. Your perfect smell, perfect hands.

Am I far too much in love with you?

It isn’t the same, and it hurts to feel that way. 

[nochanceofknowing]

"isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." - C.S Lewis

- for the better; being able to learn to identify all the red flags and too good to be true signs from past manipulators and false lovers. having you, is healthy and pure. you are real, they are not.

[nochanceofknowing]

I feel bad for thinking this way because what we feel for another is

so magical.

A constant flutter in my heart each time I’m near him and hear him sing and breathe him in.

he is a song. 

A song in my heart, the hummingbird in my ears, it’s always there; flirting with my mind vibrating through the thickets of my hair, the soil in my veins. 

such a magical thing. 

~ 9/25/20

[nochanceofknowing]

I found out my fiancé was cheating on me yesterday and your poetry is helping me cope

my heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry. be kind to yourself please

[nochanceofknowing]

Should I just accept the fact that I may always feel by myself?

There’s a small void within the ribs of my chest and it grows, it shrinks, and adapts to my thoughts.

My obsessive realistic thoughts of the inevitability of feeling slightly empty.

Like a glass of water at a restaurant that doesn’t quite need to be refilled, maybe after a few more sips. 

Sometimes I can forget about it. For days, occasionally weeks.  Perhaps I’ve gotten used to the cycle it’s produced: it will always return.

I’m confused because. it’s a void that makes me sob and grip at my heart but also numb. With no racing thoughts for once.

At times, it can be soothing. I welcome it to continue to eat at me. 

~ in the waiting line 

[nochanceofknowing]

It’s a slow but sure-fire occurence.

Like the rising warmth from a heat lamp; careful not to burn yourself

where the warmth sits. 

It will come in waves or it will come in hurricanes, a sweeping spiral of 

madness and entropy. 

The book says it’d lined, and you discover the inside is blank. You recognize you must create those lines. 

Fashion them into what you will. Make it so they feel the rage.

The rage boiling in your belly, fuming from your fingers, threatening to

combust and make a mess of everything. 

The rage ignited when they stroke your hair or convince you

to stay. 

It is tiring, seeing their old pleading. 

[nochanceofknowing]

let me introduce to you,

the honeyglow smile

that stripped my mind.

[nochanceofknowing]

Good conversation turns me on. A connection between two people, a mental one first.

— Brian Molko

[nochanceofknowing]

the connection between us grew,

do you feel it?

yanking at my heart strings,

making me nauseous,

you are the flower in my pocket.