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Pisces

This may just be what everyone else feels, but I feel it so deeply. Ever since I was young, I felt like I had so much to offer the world. I always felt like I was born to shine. I wanted to be a singer or actress or anything with entertainment. Or anything that would help me be remembered. I knew this was what I’d do one day when I was old enough to figure out how to. It wasn’t even a question. I was going to live my life this way. This is how I would live the happiest version of my life (because after all, we only have one). Give me my 15 minutes of fame and I swear I will hold on to those minutes for dear life and make them count. Leave a mark. I want people to hear what I have to say. I’m tired of listening to what society is telling me what I can and can't do. “Go to school, get a degree, find a stable job, live your life working everyday, never have time for your family, die.” I don't want that. I want to be happy. Leave my mark. Barely worry about money. I’m a pieces for a reason. I’m a dreamer. But I’m going to make this dream come true, some how. Even if I don't know exactly how yet.

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How can I even explain all of this? Right now I feel very....worthless? replaceable? unappreciated? I can think of so many more. I don't even feel like writing about this. There’s just so much to the story that I can’t quite wrap my head around....

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I will save myself

I haven’t logged into this account since last summer (’16) when I was severely depressed. Writing my feelings on here was the only way I could truly cope and understand myself. Tumblr kept me from going insane.

 Fast-forward and its now summer 2017. A lot has happened since then. So many ups and downs. Mostly ups, but more recently, the deepest down as of yet. My friendship with Jazz rekindled which is what I believe caused my depression last summer (not having her around). Everything was great. She started losing weight, which inspired me to do the same. On an earlier post I said that Jazz and I were the same person, so if she could lose weight, then so could I. The entire Spring semester of this year I dedicated it to exercising and eating healthy which really elevated my mood and helped me with my depression/ anxiety/ bipolarness. I was thinking positively and clearly. I had energy and motivation. Then..one week in particular. It was the first week of April. I had orientation for a job that lasted all day for a week straight (+school, assignments, etc). That week was literally impossible for me to eat correctly. I probably consumed about 300 calories daily, while still running a couple miles a day. I honestly believe this was the week that made my weight loss the most noticeable. After this week, my pants fit me a lot bigger, I got endless compliments, and I dropped about 5-6 pounds. Giving me a total of 45 pounds lost. I finally went under 159 pounds. I felt amazing. In my head, I thought, “well if I continue this everyday and have one day as my ‘cheat day,’ I can definitely lose weight a lot quicker.” So I began this. And I’m not dumb. I was fully aware that this was an eating disorder, but I sweet talked myself. “I know what I’m doing. I know when I have to eat. I feel fine.” I obsessed over the scale and constantly judged my appearance and beat myself up if I saw no improvements. I worked out with jazz for 3-5 hours a day with barely any food in my system. I learned how to stand up and walk normally while having a black out. It was getting bad. I wanted someone to care. If someone cared, I would stop. But no one did. Jazz has problems of her own. My mom would make comments but never talk to me about it. I straight up told my boyfriend I had this eating problem, making him swear he wouldn't tell anyone. He did nothing. He just watched me crumble into self-hatred. He knew the most. I constantly told him how fat I felt and how I was not eating for the entire day cause I wanted to “fast.” He didn’t do shit. Two days ago, I thought that I would completely starve myself until I died since no one cared anyway. No one saves Norma when she needs saving but she saves everyone. 

Just today I realized how toxic this all is. I will save myself. I will love myself. Im not going to let myself fall into this depression again. I have to be strong for myself. I’m going to hide my scale, make sure I eat properly, and adjust my thoughts. I’m going to try, at least. I will update.

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Life’s Emotions

This is such a bullshit thing to read if you know me personally or whatever, but it’s true. I need people who have my thought process. I can honestly say I don’t have those people in my life. People who thirst for the same adventure I do. People who want to unlock the secrets of life with me. People who want to feel all the feelings that life has to offer. I don’t want to die just knowing a handful of feelings. I want to know them all. Staying in one place, with the same people, dating the same person, isn’t going to get me there. Either you’re with me or I’m going alone. As of now, seems as if I’m going alone. I thought I had a person or a group of people, but it’s funny how memories can make you think those are your people/ person. Memories are only memories. They will forever live in your head, along with the feelings you felt. People are different. People move on and they get consumed in today’s society. They quickly care about other things and they are no longer the people that were in your memories. They’re just memories. That’s all they are and that’s what I have to tell myself so that I can move on and  experience other things and new people. I want to feel all of life’s emotions. There are so many and it seems as if I am feeling the same ones every single day. 

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I can see you

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one, but I think I’m amazing at reading between the lines and reading gestures. Most of the time I pretend to not notice it, or I’ll say something that makes me sound like I don’t get it, but I totally do. Anything anyone is thinking and even (slightly) expresses it, I will be able to pick up on it so quick. There are so many examples I’d like to mention but I won’t because I’m scared that someone will be reading it. I kind of like that everyone thinks I’m dumb and don’t pick up the snarky little signals. I know when a person is genuine and when someone is fake. I know I sound like a total fag when I say this, but I can see aura’s. I don’t exactly know what all the colors mean yet, but I can get a pretty good idea. I just know that yellow/white/golds mean you’re a real and genuine person with no bad intentions. However, I think I can pick up on that with just 5 minutes of talking to someone rather than trying to see the color of their aura. My aura is different depending on my mood. The other day it was rainbow and then the next it was yellow and orange only. I know I sound crazy, but aura’s are a real thing. Anyone can learn to see them if they try. We were all able to see them at one point but we lost the ability because we didn’t use it. Anyway, whatever. Not the point of this post. My point is, basically, I can read people so well that it almost scares me. Tell me to describe someone I know, and I will. Very well. Even things they wouldn’t be able to tell me themselves. The people I’m closest to are the people I can’t read so well, so I have to have them with me and be able to get into their minds by asking them questions and exploring them.

[normal-thoughts-blog]

confidence is beautiful and amazing and wow. sucking your own dick is sad and annoying and get a life.

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[normal-thoughts-blog]

I used to believe that it was wrong of me, to be so sensitive. I would always feel everything, in it’s extremes. When I was sad, it was excruciating. When I was happy, I was uncontrollably joyful. When I was angry, I could feel my blood boil. And when I was unsure, I was completely hopeless. Everything I would ever feel, always felt overwhelming. Radiating off of my skin & consuming all the air around me. I used to question, why it was that I would feel so much. Emotions came in waves of “too much.” All of my life I questioned, whether this was a gift or a burden to feel too much. Too much, too much, too much. Staring into my own reflection, trying to pinpoint where it came from so maybe by facing it, I could finally make it all stop. But, if it were to all stop, who would I be then? To take away my sensitivity, is to take away the very core of me. It would mean to take away my consciousness, my awareness, my intuitive nature of everything around me. It would be stripping away all of my empathy. It would mean to take away all colors I see the world in. It would take away my creativity, my individuality, my passions. You remove sensitivity from me, and I might as well cease to exist.

The core of oneself |

evwritings

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Holy fuck me as fuck

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my person

I don’t have many people in my life that I’m close to. I have probably about a hand-full. But for some reason, those people love me with their entire being and I just don’t get it. I don’t mean to be self-deprecating, but I’m not that great on the exterior. On the interior, I think I’m pretty awesome. Like when you actually get to know me. Like when we have conversations about life together. I have so many feelings and thoughts and opinions, that I know so many people would appreciate. If those people really close to me could see those things, and if I could express my thoughts better, I think they would appreciate me a lot more. Only one person completely knows what I’m about and understands me. That’s jazz. No one really gets our bond and thats completely fine. But I have told her the deepest of my thoughts and curiosities and we just understand each other as human beings. And the way our brains work. I can explain something so complex and difficult to understand and she’ll get it; It’s weird. Our friendship is weird. That’s why I think we can go months without talking, and when we reconnect, we take off where we left off like it’s no big deal. She’s me; we’re each other. My love and appreciation for her is something I can’t explain and that’s okay. I think it’s so important to have a person like that. Whether its your significant other, friend, family member, etc. Find that person. I think you’ll be lost without them. I currently don’t have too much communication with her, but I still feel the connection and I know she does too. Also this might sound a little strange, but (for example) when we’re in a group, and someone says something or does something maybe slightly uncomfortable or maybe funny, I can sense how she feels about it, because I feel the same way (sorry for the run-on sentence). If you think I sound creepy, then that’s probably because you haven’t found your person. 

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You know, I have always been so afraid to come to this realization. For so long, I have been obsessed with becoming a physician assistant. I have made it a point to do everything possible to increase my chances of getting accepted. What if I really wanted it at what point, but what if I don’t anymore? When I think of being a P.A., I associate it making people around me so very proud. It is a goal attainable that I know will make everyone proud. I love medicine and healing people. I love saving lives. I do it everyday at work. Just the other day, I was bathing a patient, and I noticed their oxygen level dropped rapidly. They were in the 70′s (normal is 98-100%). Instantly, I began to look for the reason, and behold, the nasal cannula was not on correctly. Little things like that make me so happy. I just wish I had more time to figure things out. I want to know what will make me happy. I love caring for people, that’s for sure. But will I actually be able to care for people as a PA, or just “treat” them? I don’t understand what I want exactly. I wish I had more time to discover myself. More time to be young and healthy. But as we get older, the clock seems to tick so fast and you don’t even know where the time goes anymore. One day, I’ll be old and fragile and barely able to walk. I just want to be able to know I lived my life the way I should have. And that I made a difference somehow. I’m not saying I don’t want to be a PA anymore, but i’m not saying that I do. 

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WOW i feel so much better lol

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I wasn’t always depressed.

It’s true. I used to be one of the happiest kids on Earth. I was so full of happy. My only concern was not getting a boyfriend because I thought I was ugly. But even then I was so happy. I knew myself then. I loved to take pictures, I loved to paint random shit, I loved to express myself. I loved to WRITE. That was my favorite above all. I always thought I would either become a writer or a basketball star OR A SINGER. Those were all possible dreams and careers for me.Then I grew older and realized life is shit. Life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Life makes you feel worthless. Life makes you feel like you always have to compete to survive (not actually be happy). Life keeps you busy until you finally die. Life takes away one of your favorite people on this Earth when you were only 16. Without saying goodbye to her. Someone you knew was suffering from the same thing you are. Life took that from you. Then suddenly, you knew how to play the game of life. It wasn’t about happiness anymore. Or finding who you are. It was just a never-ending cycle of life that ends in such despair. Its horrible. Before I had dreams. And now I’m just so depressed. All the fucking time. I can't feel anything anymore. Feelings aren’t fucking real to me anymore. I don’t even think I can feel love anymore. I know what it is and what its supposed to feel like. So I just associate it with words and actions rather than actually feeling. I think everyone is just to oblivious to this and how horrible life actually is. I’ve seen people die in their own piss and shit. How is this life something desirable? i’m just so so sad..No I don’t want attention. I just wanted to get this out of my system. 

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It's really hard to hold it together sometimes

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Colorless

Nothing makes any fucking sense until I put it into words. I could be feeling a certain way, but until I write it down or say it out loud, nothing makes sense. So I want to write this so that it can make sense to me. Okay? okay. 

On some days, not all, I have no energy or desire to start the day. And not the “wow i’m so tired” feeling. I am mentally and physically not able to get out of bed. I slept for 24 hours two days ago. For some reason my dreams were more interesting than my reality. I’m not trying to make this a pity typical tumblr post. I’m living this. Sometimes I am the happiest person on earth. Ask anyone that knows me/ works with me. I will be telling jokes the whole day, laughing, conversing, and I seriously love when I feel this way. I feel like a butterfly. Everything makes so much sense when I feel this way. I see my goals and aspirations so clearly. Then out of nowhere, I have days where all this happiness and color is drenched out of me. Almost as if I used so much of that happiness on one day, that there wasn’t enough for the next day. It’s a really odd feeling. I’ll go to work and not say a word to anyone. I’ll go on with daily activities, but act like a soul-less person. My smile isn’t so big anymore. My voice isn’t as loud anymore. It’s like my whole being did a 180 into this person that doesn’t feel like me. But she is. And although I appear and act like death on the outside, I feel 20x worse on the inside. I’m using every last ounce of energy in me to speak and act normal and not draw attention or have anyone ask questions. I try so hard to come up with quick conversations to not have anyone worry. Sorry if this is dark and sad. It wasn’t my intention. 

I just wanted to put my thoughts into words so I can understand. 

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Never alone?

When I sit back and examine my life, I’ve honestly never been alone. Not once. For the majority of my life, I always had one or two best friends that I’d be glued to. Endless sleepovers and endless conversations. Then I got a boyfriend at a super young age. He never left. He’s still here. We’re glued to each other. All of this confuses me. It makes me wonder what I’d be like if I had no one. It makes me wonder if I even know myself at all. Am I just a collection of all these people I’ve met in my life? Do I even have an identity? 

What do I enjoy? What do I like to do for fun? I can’t answer these. Sometimes I do bad things to feel a different way. Or maybe I do it to actually feel something? Okay, yeah I’ll say it. Sometimes I drink just to see if I’ll feel carefree again. Sometimes I smoke to stop the never ending thoughts running through my head.

Do you ever feel that way?

Like you can’t ever stop thinking? like you want to shut it up? Like your brain never gets to sleep? Try smoking. 

We’re all just killing ourselves everyday, anyway. Might as well. Okay this got dark lol.

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A message to non-believers

We don’t need to convince others that there is no god and religions are just a bluff. Let people be happy. If I didn’t know all the things I knew, I think I’d be more content with life because that would mean I’d believe in god (hope).

Do you think I like living my life knowing that when we die, there’s nothing?

Religious humans act like atheists are the damn devil for not believing in anything. They always want to convert us. And for some reason, it’s the most horrible thing when an atheist tries to prove their point. So we should just keep shut.

I grew up believing in god. I went to a catholic school. Trust me, I’m credible. I gave religion a chance. Religion is simply in existence to keep the peace. People need something to rely on. Do you understand how crazy the world would be without it? Without “commandments” telling us what is right and what is wrong? Without the peace of mind of dying and going to luxurious clouds to chill in paradise for the rest of eternity? I could probably write a book explaining my points. But I won't. Because that would make me the devil.

Lets just let the believers believe. They’ll live a happier life than us anyway. 

But at least we have a whole lifetime to accept our fate. 

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It's okay

It'll be okay. People come and people go. Just like when people die and others are born, you lose people in your life but gain new ones. It's one of those things people never tell you about. You lose people for absolutely no reason at all, but it really doesn't hurt. It's the least painful disconnection. You let go of people gradually or all at once and they both feel the same. I'm not a fan of forcing anything. I won't force a relationship that isn't there. I won't force a passion that isn't there. I won't force a friendship that isn't there.