notime4codependent-blog

[notime4codependent-blog]

Wondefully written, disturbingly poignent. Be inspired and find your voice!

[notime4codependent-blog]

I am all out of grace when it comes to Mr. Moonves.

Linda Bloodworth Thomason, one of CBS' biggest hitmakers, reveals the disgraced mogul kept her shows off the air for seven years: "People asked me for years, 'What happened to you?' Les Moonves happened to me." https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/designing-women-creator-les-moonves-not-all-harassment-is-sexual-1142448

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"I was fired over one text." How does one text get you fired? Because its the key piece of evidence of your wrongdoing. Whether you're guilty or not, what you say can and will be held against you. I'm tired of entitled people in power trying to control every situation, and expecting the world will bow down. Get some therapy, learn empathy, say sorry, see the people around you as human beings. We need to hold the most powerful to an even higher standard of accountability. And yes, one text will get you fired. Because it probably wasn't just ONE time.

[notime4codependent-blog]

Serena is a professional. But she lost her cool this day. She will recover, but she needs to act like the hero she is.

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Serena Williams is a woman and a professional.

I'm not a tennis player. I don't usually watch tennis today, though I grew up watching grand slam matches with my parents and grandparents. Martina, Borge, McInroe, Agassi, Stephi - I knew them all. They were all-stars and heros among the matriarchs of my family. When teens Venus and Serena took the courts by storm, we all watched in awe. The power, the grace, the young professionalism, the focus and stamina against the world's best. They weren't unanimously favored, but their remarkable skills were revered nonetheless. Fastforward many years...the enthusiasm for tennis instilled in me as a child did not take, and I want to be honest, I don't watch tennis. I really don't like watching it, frankly. So, you may be asking why I'm weighing in on the US Open Womens' Final? Because, the news coming out of this match has little to do with tennis. In fact, the events of the match and the attention paid have abrasively stripped the "sport" from this final game, and perhaps in games to come. Like Serena, I am a mother and I am adament about teaching my childrens the importance of honesty and integrity. To be called a cheater can feel pointedly offesive and goes to the heart of ones personal code of conduct. How dare you call me a cheater in front of my fans, my coach, my family, my children. It is a charecter ambush, especially in such public and high pressure atmosphere. Moreover, it casts a shadow of self-doubt during a critical time of intense focus and competition: "Did I really cheat? I'm not a cheater! How could someone even think that I would cheat? But did I?" Whehter conscious or unconcsious, self-doubt, left unchecked and managed is self-desctructive. And unfortunately for Serena Williams, this was a sad truth for her at the US Open final. In this instance the line judge gave Serena a warning for receiving coaching during the match. Her coach gave hand signals - Serena said a "thunbs up" and explained that it wasn't coaching, though her coach during post-match interviews said that it was and they all do it. Regardless of whether it was intentional or by accident, a mistake was made. It happens all the time in sports. An athlete doesn't mean to break the rules - perhaps he/she intends to toe the line and inadvertently crosses it. Sometimes the foul is called, sometimes not. In this case, the judge saw the foul and gave the warning. In re-watching the coverage, I was so impressed with Serena's professionalism coversing with the judge. She acknowledged the warning and said it didn't happen, but wasn't coarse or inflammatory. I appreciated her persistance and could see a genuine concern about even the smallest slight against her well-kept charecter. "I don't cheat. I have a daughter." Her defense was calm and rational and understandable. Here's what I don't understand: Was Serena unaware that the coaching foul was an official warning? Did she believe that she talked her way out of it? "Foul" "Oh, that wasn't coaching. I don't cheat." "OH, Okay. My bad. Nevermind." Does that even happen? Can you say "No, that didn't happen" and the judge just changes the call? I don't know, but clearly Serena thought her defense was effective and quashed the foul, because her behaviors escalated. Smashed her racket. Really? Serena is a professional. She's been doing this a LOOOOONNNNGGG time, and she's uber good at it. She has little girls and boys around the world looking at her as their heroine, a real life superwoman. Is this the behavior what we want to model to young people? Is this the behavior we want associated with our charecter, with our talent. Do you think John McInroe's behavior on the court was flattering? No, it was a side-show act. Whether or not, you think he was right or the penalties (or lack thereof) are fair, watching him tantrum was embaressing to watch. As a mother, I would be more humiliated if my children witnessed this kind of loss of control. There are many ways we can show emotion, express anger and frustration that don't involve destruction of property and disrespect for the equipment you rely on in your sport. As the match progressed, Serena mentally unravelled. It could happen to anyone. It's humanity. I don't mean it as an insult. In a sport as mentally intense as tennis, your mental and emotional strength is as important as physical power. The call on coaching - fair or not - penetrated her pysche and affected her game. She has every right to her feelings, but her behavoir is all on her. Her obsession with being right and the line judge being wrong: "You owe me an apology." All that energy directed away from her game, was her true demise. She made many mistakes that day. And that's just it - they were mistakes. This incident doesn't define who she is. She's a professional and made mistakes. And she's a person that doesn't make mistakes, can't make mistakes. Her perfectionism is what has made her so successful. What happened at the US Open isn't sexist and I really don't think it's about rule-following or cheating. It's about the ability of an athlete to move past a mistake without allowing that mistake to bring him/her down. Serena is a strong woman and a professional and she will no doubt come back from this. But there was nothing heroic about her troublesome behavior that day. And we shouldn't put her on a female empowerment pedastal for her actions calling out hypocracy, because even if the call was hypocritical, she still behaved badly and made game-affecting mistakes. The true test is how she comes back. Does she ackowledge her mistakes and how she work to prevent those mistakes in future matches? We haven't seen the last of Serena. I just hope the next time, she returns as the professional I know her to be - because in our quest for fermale empowerment, we need our heros to act heroic.

[notime4codependent-blog]

Spiked Seltzer www.spikedseltzer.com is NOT gluten free as it claims to be. The can says “gluten free” and the website touts it as naturally gluten free. But look at the ingredients. It lists “malted rice” as an ingredient. Malt contains gluten. Spiked Seltzer is a malt beverage and is not free of gluten. For anyone who is gluten sensitive or has a celiac diagnosis, the false label on this can could be devastating. The malt is poison to people with celiac disease. Mislabeling this beverage as gluten free is misleading and negligent. The ingredient list on the website does not include malt. So what’s going on here? Spiked Seltzer: What happened? Please right this egregious error. Stop making false claims. Update your packaging. Apologize for potentially poisoning your customers with celiac disease.

[notime4codependent-blog]

I love bookstores and libraries. I love the quiet, slow pace. I walk slow. My mind slows. I could spend hours looking through the shelves, browsing new and unknown titles, wondering if I could learn something new from this book. Will this book make an impact on my life.

Browsing through bookstores and libraries also must be relaxing because half way through I always have to poop. I mean urgently poop. Like, I better know where the bathroom is when I walk in the store because inevitably I will have to poop and I will probably have to run.

[notime4codependent-blog]

Oh my gosh! I think the new spider man show is coming on next.

Sam, 5. This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened in his life.

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Codependent at the playground

I have three gorgeous, capable children who love to stop for a good playground. When they were younger, I would enleash them onto the playground letting them run wild and free for about an hour, which was really damn hard because I would have to keep an eye on one, another eye on the second and another eye on the third. That’s a lot of eyes and one I dont even have. They would play with each other, play alone, play with new friends. Occasionally they would find me and say “play with me!” Most of the time I would look over my shoulder like “who are you talking to?” And realize - because there was no one else around - that they were talking to me. “Are you taking to me?” In my best Robert Deniro voice. Maybe they’re seeing double because how the heck am I supposed to play with you when your brother and sister are on opposite sides of the playground and I need to allot at least 66 percent of my already depleted brain power to these two. Pretending I’m a fire fighter and can’t touch the ground as part of your creative genius play scenario would take almost 75 percent of my abilities (and you already know I’m depleted because you woke me up at 4;30am) which means that almost certainly that one of your siblings would get lost, hurt, stolen or stabbed.

[notime4codependent-blog]

Beetle Hunter Kids

Caught between the front door jamb are dead and sometimes not so dead beetles that Sam and Allison have developed an arms-length affinity for. They hate the “icky” bugs but they want to watch them and touch them and name them and I was told today “keep them forever and ever.” Allison named one “Fast Crawler” and stuck him in a toy bug catcher with some grass to keep him comfortable and safe. 

“What do bugs eat?” Sam asks. I don’t know. Allison thinks they eat grass - which is why she densely filled her bug catcher with grass. While this may be the case, I’m afraid this bug will smother in too much of a good thing.

Here’s what you need for successful beetle hunting with your kids:

plastic container or mason jar for keeping your bugs

lid with small holes in it

latex gloves in you don’t want to pick up the bugs with your bare hands

tweezers for picking up your bugs

magnifying glass for getting a closer look at your bug’s features (you can also use a magnifying app on your phone)

The moral of the story is don’t let your own personal fears influence the interests of your kids. Learning about the world means understanding about even the most ickiest of creatures and ideas. Think about how big and amazing your world can be when fear doesn’t limit us.

[notime4codependent-blog]

Out of air

When you’re feeling co-dependent, it’s like the air is being sucked out of the room. At first, you don’t notice. Soon, your lungs feel heavy and you can’t get a big enough breath to feel satisfied.Visibly, the air is clear; but it’s though I can see this precious resource leaving the room one molecule at a time all the while my head is going fuzzy so I don’t really have a firm grasp on what is happening.

Bringing myself back to center and focusing on my breathing helps me return to a oxygenated space. And journalling helps too. You might call what i described a panic attack - though it doesn’t feel like a full blown i think i’m dieing panic attack. It’s more like anxiety is gripping me so hard that I start to go numb. It can take me awhile to recognize what’s happening, take those centering breaths, and make a conscious choice to leave that panicky state. While the panic feels so crushing, it almost feels easier to stay put rather than choose the narrow path out.

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Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. … He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

(1 Timothy 3:2-7)

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Honor thy Father and Mother

“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee” What does this verse mean to you?

Greek ethics taught that the relation of children to their parents was parallel to that of men to God (Aristot. Eth. Nic. 8:12, ? 5) Does that mean that the parent is equally obligated to treat their children as God treats us? And if that relationship is strained and even broken by parental misdeeds does that mean the covenant between parent and child is voided?

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Have you ever felt like the people who brought you to Christianity are actually the worst offenders of righteousness, indignation, shame and condemnation. Many spokespeople for the Christian life live with their own shame and often past trauma and pass on their dark habits covered in a hard Christian shell to the people who trust them with their faith and vulnerability. I am a Christian and have strong Christian beliefs, but the twisting of scripture to serve toxic attitudes and hateful beliefs is dangerous to the families and communities that church is there to protect, love and serve.

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It just doesn’t get any better than this when you are tackling your personal codependency.

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You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.

Brene Brown

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Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself