nourelhoudabakri

[nourelhoudabakri]

They say

when you leave your country,

your family,

your friends,

your home…

and move abroad,

into a house you build to look like the one you left behind

you don’t really have a home anymore.

Not really.

The home you left?

It becomes a stranger.

Familiar walls now echo in a language you forgot.

Even your family

they start to treat you like a guest.

The once-a-year kind.

The once-a-call-a-day kind.

The “Are you still breathing?” kind.

A voice on a screen.

A smile that says “I’m fine”,

when you’re everything but.

And the home you build?

Always feels like a copy.

It’s quiet in all the wrong ways.

It smells like nothing.

Feels like nothing.

And it’s missing… everything.

The scent of your mother’s cooking.

The deep rumble of your father’s voice.

The chaos of your siblings laughing down the hall.

You can't recreate that warmth.

You can’t order it online.

You can’t fake it with fairy lights and candles.

And now

now that I have no home,

can you stop asking me

if I’m okay?

Because I’m not.

And maybe…

I never will be.

No one told me the truth before I left.

No one said that “growing” could feel this lonely.

That independence could taste like absence.

That freedom could feel so much like floating in space

untethered, unseen,

unheard.

So no

I’m not okay.

But I’m here.

And sometimes,

maybe that’s enough.

[nourelhoudabakri]

I'm so nervous, I'm not used to this, Falling for someone I barely know.

We skipped the basics— Your favorite color, Your favorite song, How old are you? And jumped to— "I like you, I miss you, I want to meet you."

I smile thinking of you, I smile rereading your messages, I love overthinking about you.

I love the happy dance after a text, But I think I messed it up.

I know— There’s a first time for everything, And this is all so new to me.

I want to say, "I miss you," Because I really do. But I won’t.

Playing it cool, Waiting for a sign, Until you skipped my story, Without a like.

Yes the story was all about you, I said it's not , I refused to seem like I'm dying for you, But I really do.

Butterflies in my stomach, Emotions in my heart, Thoughts in my mind. I hope you are not like me, Only peace, and love.

[nourelhoudabakri]

I met you in a place no one could ever imagine,

From the very first second, you never left me alone.

You kept asking questions to ease the silence,

You kept smiling offering me the purest smile,

The cutest dimples.

It was so hard to hold your gaze,

So hard to keep my heart from skipping a beat as I spoke to you.

I tried not to look at you,

Afraid you'd notice how my face turned hot,

Maybe even pink, in your presence.

How my eyes shone a little brighter next to you.

I wanted to talk to you more,

To linger in the warmth of our conversation.

And knowing you felt the same

Only makes me crave you more,

Want you more.

[nourelhoudabakri]

I know it's too early to send you an 'I miss you' text, but I really do.

I'm afraid to admit it to admit that I've truly fallen for you.

It caught me off guard, this unexpected falling.

I wasn’t waiting for it until our eyes met.

Hard to hold eye contact, harder to resist your dimples.

[nourelhoudabakri]

I know this poem might feel like a mess, but it’s just how my thoughts were racing inside my mind. Everything was fighting to come out at once, and I couldn’t quite find the right words to express it all clearly. It’s not that the feelings or thoughts aren’t valid; they’re just tangled up and overwhelming. I wanted to say everything, all at once, and sometimes that’s what happens when I try to express emotions that are so intense and conflicting. I just needed to let it out, even if it didn’t come together the way I hoped.

A place so void,

Feels so crowded.

Hands brush past, yet never touch,

The weight of absence is far too much.

I'm trying to survive,

To feel happy, not to be,

Because it's so much to ask.

Trying to find inspiration,

To make me want to live,

Looking for love.

Looking hopelessly,

Tired of monotony,

Afraid of repetitiveness.

Everything so different,

Yet so easy to get used to.

I want to be back home,

Is that too much to ask?

I miss my home.

Inside, I feel too void

I can hear the winds of my feelings

Fighting my thoughts about my family.

Memories crash so hard, yet they don’t break,

Maybe just to make me feel more pain.

Afraid to write,

Knowing that when I write my thoughts I'll accept these emotions,

I don't want to accept them,

Nor get used to them.

Fighting,

Crawling,

Debating,

More and more and more,

Everything too hard to process,

To resist,

To accept.

[nourelhoudabakri]

Childishly hold your voice in my subconscious and you hold mine

Replay your voice throughout the day and it becomes its own entity

I wish you could be here, with me

In short time you will have taken up most of my memory

Hope we haven't created idealized versions of one another

Told you no lies, exposed my naked truths to you

I can only hope I've made you comfortable enough with yourself and me when we are being vulnerable

I'll never judge you for your past or ask you to become anew

Maybe we solely exist in each other's imagination

I look out towards a starry night and I clearly see you

Our desires manufacture our possible reality

Lies aren't suitable places to live in or rest in, yet they so often become permanent vacations

A piece of fantasy lives in us all

Adulthood and the harsh realities of living may, at times, try to kill it

Although we haven't met, I know you exist

And that you live

Really Wish On A Star For You (24 February 2025)

[nourelhoudabakri]

My tears keep dropping from my eyes at night,

Like heavy rain, like endless plight.

Something crashes deep inside,

I feel so lost, nowhere to hide.

My tears keep falling, and all I see,

My mom’s soft eyes, so dear to me.

The warmth of Dad, my brother’s cheer,

Yet still, I drown in lonely fear.

I never thought I’d be so weak,

Like a leaf the winds can sweep.

Drifting far in darkest skies,

With restless thoughts that haunt my mind.

My tears keep falling, warm on my skin,

A touch of home I feel within.

The home I thought was small to miss,

Yet now it lingers, lost in this.

Where am I? I know and I don’t.

Why am I here? I know and I won’t.

I long for home, yet here I stand,

The pain, the choice my own hand.

By me.

[nourelhoudabakri]

The 10th of February Feels So Close

The 10th of February feels so close now,

My emotions wrestle inside me.

I’m starting to notice every single detail of the day—

My mom wakes up earlier than everyone,

She makes coffee for all and begins to wake us.

We take breakfast together,

Sometimes we talk,

But mostly, we sit in silence

Until the morning has fully reached us.

Everyone goes their way—

To work, to study, to life.

But at the same time every day,

We gather again for lunch.

Can you believe there’s still a family on this earth

That has lunch together?

We share our news,

We laugh,

We speak our minds,

We solve the problems

That weigh heavy on our hearts.

Dessert or fruit waits, untouched,

Until harmony is restored,

Until smiles reappear,

Until every difficulty of the day

Is spoken aloud and eased away.

But soon, I’ll be far from these rituals.

How will I face everything alone?

How will I eat breakfast and lunch alone?

Will I ever earn the dessert

Without their laughter, without their love?

I’m happy but sad.

I’m excited but afraid.

I’m ready but not ready.

Everything is a mess,

Yet somehow, well-scheduled and under control.

[nourelhoudabakri]

Now that I'm leaving,

The only thing I'm thinking of is:

What will I do,

All alone by myself?

Who will I tell when sadness finds me,

Or when the world turns cruel?

My mom, who held me close,

Chased away my tears with soft whispers.

My dad, who taught me to let go,

Would stroke my back as I cried,

Kissing the top of my head,

His warmth seeping into my soul.

Did you know I still sleep beside her?

That when I come home,

I reach for his place on the bed

It’s always warm, always him.

I don’t know how,

But his scent lingers there,

His perfume, his breath,

A quiet reminder of where I belong.

I always forget to mention

How much I am attached to my brother.

Sometimes I forget I’m the oldest,

Because he treats me like his little sister,

Like his own child.

There are moments he’s more mature than I am,

And, secretly, I believe

He might be my soulmate.

Who else could understand me so completely?

We’re mirrors of each other,

Watching the same shows,

Playing games side by side,

Laughing louder than I ever do with anyone else.

He knows me ,he truly does.

[nourelhoudabakri]

[nourelhoudabakri]

They say if you forgive those who hurt you,

You unlock the doors to happiness and light.

But this journey feels like a mountain to climb,

For the wounds were dealt by those closest to me

Family, friends, the ones I trusted most.

In my country, we say:

“You can’t remove your nose from your face, even if you don’t like it.”

And so I know, I can’t cut the ties completely.

But I can learn to live with the weight of them,

To carry the burden without letting it break me.

Still, I begin.

I am ready to forgive, to forget,

Not for them, but for my own growth.

So thank you ,for everything you did.

You pushed me through storms I wasn’t meant to face so young.

Yet I am grateful.

You taught me that attachment is not my anchor,

That I can move forward without chains.

You taught me to let go,

To detach,

To unlove,

Even if I must carry the weight,

Even if I must smile through the pain.

Because forgiveness is not weakness;

It’s a quiet strength that sets me free.

It’s the courage to choose peace over bitterness,

To love myself more than the scars you left behind.

And though the past may whisper in my ear,

I will rise above it, lighter, brighter,

Learning to live, to breathe, to heal.

So here I stand, forgiving ,not for you,

But for me, and the life I deserve to live.

[nourelhoudabakri]

Saying goodbye has never been easy to me,

But I never thought I would cry today.

I didn’t expect this flood of emotions,

Didn’t realize they’d printed memories in my mind,

Tattooed feelings deep into my heart,

Ones I’ll carry with me for a lifetime.

Before this day, I was waiting for the internship to end,

But now, I’m counting the days until I meet them again.

I thought it would take me time to care,

Yet, in just a month, I learned to love them—

To wish they could be a permanent part of my life.

I hugged them like I was trying to keep a piece of them in me,

And leave a piece of myself with them.

I didn’t realize how much they liked me back

Until they asked me to stay.

Now I carry their laughter, their words, their warmth,

Etched into my soul like a quiet melody.

Even as distance grows, their presence lingers,

A reminder that some bonds are too precious to fade.

[nourelhoudabakri]

[nourelhoudabakri]

Relationships,

Friendships,

They feel like puzzles I can't quite solve.

I struggle to strike them,

To deal with their jagged edges,

To hold them without breaking.

For me,

A soul that tires too quickly,

I lose interest as easily as a fleeting breeze.

People are predictable,

Until they aren’t.

Confusing, frustrating,

Like riddles with no answers.

I hate when they grow used to me too fast,

Hate it even more when I click too quickly

Because I know they’ll leave,

And I will, too.

We always go, don’t we?

But I know who I am.

How hard it must be to keep me,

To anchor me,

To make me stay.

I let go too easily,

And yet,

I bruise like paper under the slightest weight.

It’s not that I’m immature,

Not that I crumble at every touch.

I just can’t grasp their gestures,

The unspoken words,

The meanings that slip through my fingers.

I hate to admit it,

But I can’t understand them

These fleeting, frustrating connections,

That leave me wondering

If I’ll ever truly belong.

[nourelhoudabakri]

— Enzo Silon Surin

[nourelhoudabakri]

L. A. Johnson, from "Birthmark"

[nourelhoudabakri]

"A Place Left Behind"

I’m mad,

Because the only thing I regret

Is begging you to stay,

To not leave me “alone,”

To not let me down.

You said we were best friends,

Until forever—

But your actions didn’t show it,

And that hurt me,

It broke me.

I’m still wondering why,

Still suffering,

Still hoping,

That you'd come back.

I hate you,

I hate you so much.

But I'm afraid,

Because I still love you.

I can't deny it—

I'm still heartbroken,

Still needing you,

Your place, now covered in dust.

I won’t let the sun

Take a look at it,

Because I’m too scared—

That when you return,

You wouldn’t find

The same place you left

Months ago.