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I need to talk about this for a second.

Because I just had someone tell me yesterday that he felt the loss of his dog hurt more than losing any person he's lost before; and he confirmed with other people he knows that they've felt the same.

Now. There could be a few reasons for this [and to be clear, I'm not assigning any of them to the person that I was talking to, because he is essentially an acquaintance and I have no idea of his context].

First, it could be that this sample group has just not known and lost a lot of nice people. Statistically, this seems unlikely? Or maybe I've just have a privileged experience. Second, it could be that the sample group has lost people that they were more or less prepared to lose: people who were sick, elderly, etc. Or, as my conversation partner is my age, there is a chance they haven't lost many people yet. The third reason, and I hope the statistics of this are unlikely but they definitely exist and are the ones that tie most closely in with the original post: animals are easier to form attachments to because they have unconditional love so long as you teach it to them. Which sounds very cold, so let me explain further.

My religion classifies the types of souls that animals have as different than human souls; we believe that humans have immortal souls, while animals have mortal souls. Obviously it is hard to define what exactly we mean by "soul"; however, science is currently assuming that the difference between animals and humans is the concept of the unknown; apes and chimpanzees make observations but cannot ask questions, whereas humans are, shall we say, curious. By this logic, an animal would not know to be unkind to you unless you teach it to be so--through fear, maltreatment, etc. If you show an animal love from birth, this is the behaviour it will learn (for the most part; this varies based on species and their given instincts).

Humans are not like this. While philosophically I believe--as do many philosophers--that humans are Good creatures (in the very makeup of what it means to be human), you'd be hard-pressed to find a philosopher that does not also understand that something affects this goodness (though what that something is is obviously debated and not currently relevant). You can show a person nothing but love, and yet it can be somehow missed, misunderstood, or taken for granted and misused. We have to be taught how not to be selfish, and some of us are not always apt students.

All this to say that human relationships are messy and hard, and things like pride, misunderstandings, and selfishness don't really come into play in the same way as they do with a pet. And this isn't to say that having pets isn't hard--obviously pets can be difficult to train, to take care of, to love when their lives are so short.

But I wonder if sometimes it feels harder to lose a pet because they are a source of unconditional love, and are often better at showing it than we are.

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My problem is that everything seems like it's a lesson. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest, and my oldest siblings are ten years older than I am--I've mentally reached a point where it feels like I'm always the one in the wrong and need to try to be better next time. And if I try to fight that mentality, if I try to defend myself, it's a snarling, savage, prideful thing that is angry for being misunderstood.

So to me, love is a lesson. I never do it right. I'm either hurting myself or someone else.

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like where did it come from i was literally doing a silly little art and craft

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I wish I could smack so many people in the face with this.

Like, not to be violent or anything, but there are people close to me who don't understand this--all they see is that the cough drop didn't get thrown away and then get frustrated.

But sometimes I don't even see the cough drop. Sometimes it just becomes part of the car and I don't notice until someone points it out.

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Y'all...

Is there anything more embarrassing than getting Covid in July of 2022? Like... I had managed to go the entire two and a half years perfectly healthy despite working in retail (I generally don't get sick often, anyway), and then I spend a single day with my brother who works in a restaurant and end up with a sore throat, cough, and runny nose. Realistically, I have the mildest symptoms--I'm not even tired, except for the fact that I've spent two days inactive on my bed--and I'm really very lucky. It's more just like. I was supposed to go to my first post-Covid wedding in four days. And have about fifty other things I needed to do in the next week but instead I'm stuck in my room.

Solidly First World Problems, I'm just cranky and feel bad because I also had to call into work for the next few shifts and I don't like doing that.

(Also, yes, I am fully vaccinated.)

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Senioritis

Preface: I have a month and a half left of school and that is both too long and not long enough to do all of the stuff I need to do.

Firstly, I've been avoiding a paper on Shakespeare that was due two days ago. But it's worth 15% of my grade, so I can't exactly just forget about it. If it was smaller, it wouldn't hit so bad but 15% is pretty hefty.

Secondly, I've just been feeling like garbage lately. Like, I'm so angry and frustrated at everything--from my roommate, who in all fairness is going through some stuff and has been going through it for months, to school, to drivers, to family. I've been so busy and yesterday was the first day in weeks that I slept longer than 6-7 hours in a row. But, in fact, I slept too long because I stayed in bed until 4 and then read a book rather than doing this dumb paper.

I'm stressed about work and the lack of hours but also about my work's constant perspective of "you need to grow in your role"--I'm in general focused on my schoolwork (essay aside) and don't have the emotional capacity to expend growth on work.

With my graduation also pending, I'm supposed to be doing prep work for that and for actually attempting to get a job in my field, but I just don't have the time or energy to devote to that, either. I'm just so thrilled that I get to start my career burned out and behind schedule. I've been planning to apply for an internship and suddenly I have no idea if that's going to work out or if I would have to move somewhere I really don't want to (because cost of living is bad enough where I am and it's the same if not worse there). I half want to move home, where it's cheaper and my mom is, but I know I need to try this internship thing at least or I'll regret it, but I'm just so tired of trying things.

My brother and sister-in-law invited me to go to Disneyland with them this Fall, and I stupidly agreed because I've never been and I want to experience that with my nieces and nephews and I'm excited, really, but there's a large part of me that's also crying out because I really probably can't afford it and I might actually move home if I don't get this internship and my roommate is essentially planning to move with me or stay, depending on what happens, so it's kind of awkward having that riding on the outcome of my job applications, as well.

Cost of living is also rising like crazy. Gas prices have gone up thirty cents in the last week and a half and are expected to rise another twenty or so by tomorrow or the day after. Produce prices are skyrocketing.

Not to mention the absolute mess that's happening in the Ukraine.

...And all of this is coming to a head in my head because of this stupid paper about justice vs mercy in Measure for Measure.

One day I'm going to look back on this post. I can't wait, because evidence to this point suggests that I will cringe at my proclivity for the dramatic, especially because I will have, at that point, forgotten how it feels to be where I am now. And thank God for that.

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Watching *Little Women* (2019)

for probably the fourth or fifth time this year. And it never fails to choke me up. Like. Emotions, what the heck? Get? Lost?

There's just so much about this movie that just hits me right where it hurts. The nostalgia aspect, first of all. But that's only the tip of the iceberg.

First, the fact that it's *good*. Like, I refused to see the movie for a while because I was so concerned that they were going to ruin the book for me, and it has always been so important to me. Jo has always been so important to me. I assume she had something to do with my childhood dream of being a writer (though most of it was also the dream to create something magical like Harry Potter). She's always felt kind of like my kindred spirit (except for when she turned Laurie down--then it kinda felt like my own soul was betraying me but that's neither here nor there at the moment).

The acting is brilliant. The casting is brilliant. The writing is top-notch. I swear I didn't like Saoirse Ronan or Timothee Chalamet until this movie and now I am warming up to them both (I also didn't think he was remotely attractive, and then he had to go and play one of my favourite characters and suddenly it's like "Oh, I'm starting to get it...").

I have also related often to Amy (more in retrospection of my life than in the moment; as a child Amy pissed me off). Her constant whining and attempting to tag along when Jo was spending time with Laurie is exactly how I used to act around my older brothers (yes, I had crushes on some of their friends, but that is neither here nor there). But there were so many moments in this film that I was so proud of her! The discussion with Laurie about marriage as an economic proposition--I loved the way she stood her ground. I have always wished to be that brave, and maybe part of the reason I'm not is because I don't have as firm ideas or enough bravery to say them regardless of how I will be thought of. I was also so, *so* incredibly in awe of her telling Laurie he was being mean when he hinted that he wanted to marry her. Her refusal to be anything but first choice was so *powerful* and her honest confession about having loved him her whole life meant so much to me. Many of the crushes I've had in my life have been long-term. Like, I think the longest crush I've had was for six years. The most recent one was for about four, and is still healing. If that one came to me and so much as hinted, I would find it very hard to say no. Also, I was a little sad that they cut one of my favourite parts of the book--despite desperately wishing Laurie and Jo could be happy together, I always liked how Laurie proposed to Amy. Laurie's line about "We pull quite well together. So much so that I wish we could always pull together. Will you, Amy?" "Yes, Laurie." And that's it. It was so subtle I think I missed it the first time I read it and was hugely confused. xD

Beth is obvious. She's so beautiful and small but with a huge heart. And her quietness and desire to do small and beautiful things to express her love for others is something I have always related to but felt that the world was too big and loud and I was too...at a loss? for that. Her death always makes me weepy; when she dies in the musical, at the end of the song "Some Things are Meant to Be" I just. I straight up can't listen to that song in public because I will bawl.

Meg is a little different. I think I most relate to Meg in wanting pretty things and, as this movie shows her, in being kinda not-great with money and impulse-buying. And caving to peer pressure (I have *always* disliked Sally Gardiner).

There's a lot of parts about this movie that I can't watch. When Meg buys the fabric for her dress, and then when she and John have a discussion about it in the middle of the night. When Jo and Dr. Bhaer argue about her writing (by the way, who decided that he was going to be Italian in the movie and not German? Like, the actor was great and I did enjoy him, but I was a little sad that they changed that for seemingly no reason). Amy burning Jo's book and then her falling through the ice. Meg arguing with Laurie when she's at the debutante ball. Beth's death, to an extent. Jo's writing Laurie a letter (before she knows that he's married Amy) and asking him to marry her (it wasn't in the book and I found it exceedingly awkward). But it's mostly because I already have so many emotions and just freaking CAN'T. Like, how am I supposed to hold it together when Jo says things like, "I care more to be loved" and "I'm *so* lonely!"

Ugh. Anyway. Gonna go cry or whatever. Because how else do you get rid of emotions?

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Goodbyes

If I can't put this here, where can I put it. Today I said goodbye to a friend who is moving about 5, 100 km away. I realise that in today's...normal...world, this isn't that far. A few days of driving, or something like a 3 hour flight. But the thing is, I don't think we're really close enough for visiting, you know? Which makes this post seem weird, because why am I that broken up about a friendship that wasn't even close enough to warrant visits?

Because I feel like, given another year or two, it could have become a friendship like that. If that makes sense. I hold myself and my emotions back, but I was starting to relax a bit. So part of what I'm mourning is the potential. But most of all, I'm going to miss seeing him everyday. He has the kind of presence that makes you feel very aware when he's there, even though he's a pretty quiet guy.

Well. Maybe I'll be able to walk into the building without feeling like there's a live wire down my throat.

Anyway, I could extol his virtues for a long time, probably, so let's just not. At least I still have his email, and his request to keep in touch (which may or may not have just been him being polite; who knows).

"Saying goodbye is hard, but no goodbye is permanent; I look forward to the day we can say "hello" again."

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Still my favourite

I’ve been laughing at this stupid fucking video for 30 minutes

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why does every social interaction with someone new feel like taking a test i didn’t study for

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When people tell me, “Trust your gut! Follow your intuition!” Like, bitch, I have anxiety. My “gut” is usually telling me that everyone hates me and that I’m going to die. I can’t trust what that motherfucker tells me.

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one thing people without depression don’t understand is sometimes you’re depressed and you just need to ride it out

sometimes you need to take a bath in the dark, listen to some sad music, cry into your pillow, etc.

sometimes greeting our depression with platitudes or aggressively positive energy is not the right way to go- and may even make us feel worse. sometimes we just need time and love.

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30 day free trial of being ok

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when u catch urself thinking wistfully about dating and being in love and being c*ddled and how nice that would be

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brain: u gotta be… The Best™

me: ok so we’ll work hard then?

brain: no work… only Best.

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So today sucks.

It’s the first anniversary of my grandpa’s death and I’ve been stuck at work all day so I haven’t been able to be as upset as I wanted.

I’m also a province away from my grandma and my mom and her sisters, so I have also not been able to give hugs or hang out or anything and now I’m at home and just want to forget but I also still want to cry and so I’m splitting the difference by drinking. Not lots but a bit. And I’m wishing I had something more physical to hold onto of his.

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Separation Anxiety makes me feel like I don’t know how to love people properly.

I feel clingy and overly nervous and unable to be myself.