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I'm in!

EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO REBLOGS THIS WILL GET THE FOLLOWING IN THEIR INBOX.

A BRIEF ORIGIN STORY

A SUPERPOWER OR THREE, MAYBE FOUR DEPENDING

A SUPERHERO OR VILLAIN NAME

YOU MIGHT ALSO GET AN ARCHNEMESIS WHO HAS REBLOGGED THIS ALREADY

AND YES I MEAN EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO REBLOGS THIS.

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Yes, I'm a massive nerd, but go watch this. It's hilarious, and fascinating, and if you hate science it's an awesome way to learn more about astrophysics without actually 'learning'.

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Comicon was yesterday, and well, I went as Black Widow!

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More adorableness to improve your day.

Baby Chinchillas That Will Melt Your Heart.

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Plot Question, Input Needed!

Long-term fic question: which would be better, SHIELD begging Darcy to come back as their inter-dimensional ambassador, or her working for Stark Industries as their PR manager? I've seen both done in fics, and I could currently go either way after the three-chapter series is done. (Or should I do both? And if so, how?)

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Have a little bit of adorableness.

Japanese And Siberian Flying Squirrels Are Probably The Cutest Animals On Earth.

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Intergalactic Travel Is Hard On Bazongas

“Do you have everything?” Thor’s booming voice asked behind her.

“Yup!” Darcy excitedly replied, finally closing the last zipper on her suitcase, and getting up from on top of it.  Seriously, sitting on suitcases to get them zipped.  Total lifehack.

Thor looked over at her bulging suitcase, and gave her one of his beaming smiles.  “Are you sure you packed enough clothing?” he asked with obvious mischief.

“Hey, mister,” Darcy said, “I don’t know what kind of clothing people wear on your planet, but on this planet, it’s hard to find clothing that actually fits. Particularly when you’re shaped like me.”  She gestured at her chest, which was strapped in place with her strongest sports bra for the journey.  She was not about to show up in Asgard with a black eye from her own boobs.

“My father will provide you clothing, I am sure,” Thor said confidently.  “We are known for our hospitality, and as our honored guest, we will provide you with the clothing required for all feasts and celebrations while you are visiting.”

“That’s real sweet of you, blondie, but I still feel better with some of my own stuff.  Skinny jeans are something that are hard to replicate.” She managed to pull her suitcase along the rough ground, and gave Thor a grateful look when he easily picked it up and hauled it over to the middle of the bridge entrance.  Seriously: that sucker must have weighed forty pounds.  Never underestimate the awesomeness of having your own personal Norse god on call.

“You almost done with getting us ready?” Darcy asked, as Jane was bent over the computer, talking intensely with another scientist.  She saw Jane jump as Thor put one of his hands on her shoulder, only to realize who it was a moment later and relax into his touch.

“Yes, the Einstein-Rosen bridge is stable and ready, but I just want to do a few more calculations—”

“You’ve done them for weeks!” Darcy said, grabbing one of Jane’s arms and dragging her away from the computer.  “You only have one anniversary.  Week. Celebration.  Thingy.  Seriously, thanks for inviting me to Asgard with you.”

“It was my pleasure and honor, my lighting sister.” Thor said, placing her suitcase in the center of the bridge, along with Jane’s small bag.  “Additionally, you’ve never been to Asgard, and I desire for you to see the beauty of my homeland.”

“I’m just glad to be dragged along.  It is your anniversary trip, after all.”

“It’s our second anniversary, really,” Jane admitted, as she stepped into the center of the bridge entrance and checked it all over for the eighth time. “Four years since we met the first time.  We already had our real anniversary in November, but Thor insisted I needed to see Asgard in spring, not just in winter.��

“Indeed,” Thor replied with obvious pride. “The glory of Asgard in the deepest of fall is nothing compared to the plumage breaking through in the return of foliage.  It is something that must be experienced firsthand.”

“Are we ready to go?” Darcy asked, dancing nervously in place.  Even though she was very, very ready to get to Asgard, she was less than prepared for the trip there. The way Jane talked about it with obvious glee, comparing it to a roller coaster, didn’t help.  She was an adrenaline junkie, but accelerating through wormholes at the speed of light wasn’t the most appealing mean of transportation.

“Aye, I believe it is time we go,” Thor said, pulling the wandering Jane into his embrace, and lifting Mjolnir towards the sky.  Jane and Darcy both clung onto him as tight as they could, and before Darcy could blink, they were off.

Okay, let’s just say that going through the wormhole was like… how could she describe this? Weird, first off.  Real, REAL weird.  It was a little like being in a jet: you knew you were going really, really fast, and you felt all dizzy and like you were about to upchuck your lunch, but at the same time it felt like you weren’t moving at all.  The view, though, was the most unnerving part of it all. She could just barely see outside the tube of blue light, and she could swear she could make out stars, and the earth itself.  It kinda reminded her of the time vortex, if she was honest.

She’d rather be in the TARDIS, though.  Way cozier.

Fortunately, it lasted all of a few seconds, and before she could really process it she was laying on the cold, hard floor of a small building, trying to catch her breath.  She looked up, and Jane offered her hand, pulling her to her feet and saying, “The first time’s always the hardest.  It gets easier each time around.”

Darcy turned, and saw Thor talking to an enormous black man in brown armor, with huge golden antlers on his head.  Kinda reminded her of the helmet Loki wore during the Battle of New York.  Must be an Asguardian thing.

Thor turned around and said to the giant, “You know my Jane, but you have not yet met her companion. This is Darcy Lewis, the woman who has her own lightning.  Darcy, this is Heimdall.”

“Oh, it’s you!” Darcy exclaimed.  “I’ve heard so much about you, and how you helped Thor get back to Jane.  Thanks for that, by the way.  Without it, we’d probably all be dead right about now.”

“Indeed, that possibility is very likely,” Heimdall said.  “And I have heard much of you, as well, both at Thor’s request and from word of your admirers.”

“…admirers?” Darcy asked, turning to Thor, who blushed.  Wow, whatever this was must be big to get that kind of reaction from Thor.  She’d seen him do some things without the faintest blush that she wished she could wipe from her memory.

“I may have told of your exploits with your taser the last time I visited,” he explained.  “Among others, the warrior-maiden Sif wishes to meet you.”

“Sounds like fun!” Darcy said, bouncing off to get her suitcase, and nearly toppled over before Thor grabbed it from her.  “Let’s get going!”

The city of Asgard was even harder to believe than the trip there.  She swore the buildings were made of gold, even though she knew that was impossible.  Yeah, she had been paying attention in chemistry class, thank you very much!  Alloys, and all that junk.  She also couldn’t believe what the people were wearing.  It was like a bunch of people started larping during prom.  They were dressed to the nines, and decked out with as many weapons as Natasha on a good day.  She was quickly learning that thigh holsters were quite popular… hmm, maybe she could get one for her taser? That’d be a fun way of going native.

It was also really weird to see people treat Thor as a prince.  Like, she knew that officially he was next in line to be king and everything, but still.  He was her hunky lug of a big brother figure… wait.  If he was a prince, and Jane was the potential future queen, did that make her a princess?

She was still mulling (make that panicking and nearly hyperventilating) over that possibility when they were ushered into the throne room.  She saw an old guy with an eyepatch on the throne, who she assumed was Thor’s dad, but she was still too worried to notice the people beside him in the room.

“Allfather,” Thor said, kneeling before him.  “I present to you Lady Jane, whom you have previously met, and Lady Darcy, my lightning sister.”

“Welcome again, Lady Jane,” the king said, nodding in her direction before setting his one good eye onto her.  Huh, she thought absently, I guess cyclopes are real, and not just at SHIELD.  “Lady Darcy, I have heard much of your… unusual pursuits.”

Darcy panicked internally. How do you respond to a king?  He was looking at her expectantly.  What she ended up blurting out was, “You mean the time I tased Thor, or the other people?”

The king looked at her curiously for a moment, and then chuckled.  “Beautiful and bold, I see.  Thor, you certainly know how to surround yourself in clever, courageous women. It’s good to see that that has not changed during your time in Midgard.” He turned back to her and remarked, “The tales of your actions have spread widely, particularly as Heimdall tells of their repetition.  I hope to hear them firsthand during your time with us.”

Oh, crap.  The king wants to hear her explain why, and how, she tased his son.  And Tony. And Clint.  And Fury.  Wow, she really wasn’t very good at this, was she?  And… did he seriously call her beautiful?!

All she could manage was a nod, and he seemed to take this as an answer.  “Excellent.  Now, my son, please show your companions to their rooms, besides yours, before the feast this evening.”  And with that, he dramatically rose, and waltzed behind a curtain, his coat glimmering emerald green for a moment before his disappearance.

Wow.  For a king, he sure was a drama queen.  She saw where Thor got it from.

Before she could comment on it, however, she was overwhelmed by three men, each talking over the others in an attempt to ask her a question first.  Fortunately, they were restrained by a tall brunette, who pulled them back by their long, overly-fancy cloaks and declared, “Give her some time.  Can’t you tell she’s overwhelmed?”

Darcy smiled gratefully at the woman, and said, “Not exactly overwhelmed, just having a touch of trouble adjusting.  After all, it’s not every day that you go through a trans-dimensional portal and a king demands you tell him stories of the times you humiliated yourself by shooting a few hundred thousand volts through all your friends.”

The men gaped at her a bit, but the woman tilted her head back and laughed, and it was both nice and a bit terrifying.  This chick was definitely giving off a Natasha vibe: the ‘friendly but I could kill you with a toothpick’ thing.  “That’s quite a way to put it, I suppose,” she said, before releasing the men’s cloaks. “I am Sif, warrior maiden of Asgard, companion of Thor.  These,” she gestured with affectionate contempt at the men, much the same way Pepper sometimes looked at Tony, “are the Warriors Three.  Supposedly the strongest and bravest men on Asgard, although that is debatable.”

The blond man stepped forwarding and grabbed her hand, bending down to kiss it before saying, “It is an honor to be in the presence of a woman so beautiful and brave.”

Sif bent down and gave him a slap over the back of the head, saying, “You can’t hit on every woman you come across!”  She looked at Darcy, and said, “I apologize for him.  That’s Fandral, and he’ll hit on anything with breasts and a pulse.”

“No worries,” Darcy said with a smile.  “My boss used to be the same way, before he got himself hitched to a feisty redhead who can take him out with her pinky.”

“Oh, a fellow warrior?” Sif eyes lit up, and wow, she was SO getting an invite to Girl’s Night.  Sif + Natasha + Pepper = lots of fun, with possible world destruction on the menu.  AKA, a normal Tuesday.

“Something like that. She’s more on the authoritative side of things, though.  Runs the business that funds, uh, basically everything.”

“Sounds like an admirable woman,” the blondie stated, taking her arm and gently guiding her through the halls, Sif and the two other men keeping up.

“She totally is,” Darcy insisted, both displeased at being led around, and grateful that someone could give her the tour, as Thor seemed to have disappeared in the din with Jane.

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Next Chapter?

I’m writing the next chapter of Accidentally On Purpose, and I’m tied between two ideas: the ending of the prank war between Darcy and Clint (with shieldshock flirting), or an Asgardian adventure. Which should be next? Who should get jolted? (Note that the Asgard one is already written, but not finished, so it’ll happen eventually regardless.)

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Accidentally On Purpose: Pie Makes Everything Better, Right?

Darcy darted out of the hallway and slammed the door behind her, leaning against the counter with a packet full of glitter in one hand and her taser in the other.  She panted, desperately trying to regain her breath.

“Miss Lewis?”  JARVIS asked, “Are you quite alright?”

“Y-yeah, fine,” she studdered, finding her way over to the back of one of the couches, where Tony was consumed with his StarkPad and Natasha was helping Thor with something. Was that a crochet needle?

“You sure, kid?” Tony asked, “You kinda look like Pepper just walked all over you in her stilettos.”

“Just super,” she replied monotonously, leaning against the couch heavily.

“Do you require assistance?” Thor asked.  “I have heard of many excellent cures for menstrual ills.  In fact, when I was young, I helped—“

“No!” Darcy interjected. “I’m fine, I swear.  Just… worn out.”

“Ahh, a nightly visitor then!”  Thor declared.  “I understand.  If you would like, Jane and I—”

“It’s not like that!” Honestly.  She loved Thor, but he was a little dense sometimes.  “Natasha, help?”

“Busy,” Natasha clipped, wrapping the yarn around Thor’s hands. What were they—nope, she didn’t want to know.

Darcy sighed heavily.  “Basically, I’m trying to prank Clint,” she explained.  “He started it on Tuesday, when he ate all the cupcakes I was making for the team meeting.  So I may have added a little bit of glitter to his arrows before he left for the last mission.”

“I was wondering why Master Barton seemed to shine brighter than usual,” Thor muttered.  “I had assumed that he had simply perspired more than the typical mission.”

“Nope, I gave him craft herpes,” Darcy chirped.  “But then he switched out me and Jane’s coffee for decaf, and boom.  We went nuclear.  Now I’m locked in a prank war with a freaking ninja.  And I think I’m gonna lose.”

“I can help with that,” Steve declared from behind her, and Darcy nearly jumped out of her skin in surprise.  Before she could think about it, she turned around and tased him right in the side.

"Honestly," Darcy sighed as she looked down at Steve Roger’s motionless, but still disturbingly attractive form. "Why do I always end up tasing the Avengers with the fabulous butts?"

Tony smirked, saying, "Why, I had no idea you really think that highly of me!"

"Oh, shut up," Darcy said. "I don't mean you.  Besides, you've already got a redhead of your own."  She looked down longingly at Steve. Yeah, looks like his star-spangled rear is done for.

"Natasha?" she asked, seeing the smirk playing on the woman's face.  "Would you please help me move an unconscious body?"

Her smile turned almost catty.  "Why, I thought you'd never ask."

Steve awakened with a start. He looked around, but everything seemed to be pretty normal.  He was on a hospital bed in what appeared to be a lab.  The walls were blank and the tables sterile, but there were a few potted plants scattered about, and crude drawing of the Hulk and a young woman with a small machine in her hand was lovingly taped to one window.  ‘Ahh,’ he thought to himself, ‘must be Dr. Banner's lab.’  Steve sat up, but a hand gently pushed his chest down.

"Just a few more minutes," Bruce explained, "and then you'll be fine to leave. Just need to double-check the test results; make sure there isn't any long-term damage."

"What happened?" Steve asked, rubbing his ribs absently.  "I'm assuming the serum took care of all the damage."

"Well..." Bruce trailed off, and went to open the door.  "She said she wanted to explain herself."

Darcy appeared in the doorway, her posture revealing her obvious nerves.  She chewed on her deep-red lips as she held up a pie tin in mock enthusiasm.  She stepped into the lab, carefully measuring her pace, and muttered, “I’m sorry about tasing you,” as she placed the pie on the counter.  She wouldn’t meet his eyes.

Wow.  Steve was stunned by the fact that she could even make him, the ‘King of Awkwardness’ as Tony had dubbed him, uncomfortable.

“It’s fine,” Steve said, slowly raising himself from his reclined position.  “I apologize for startling you.  I should have known better than to startle the proclaimed ‘taser queen’ of the tower.”  He tried to throw in a smile that Bucky would have declared ‘charming enough make the old ladies think you were innocent, you little shit’, but Darcy just shot a glare at Bruce.

“Taser queen?” she asked, crossing her arms and letting her frustration melt some of the tension in her posture.  “Seriously?”

Bruce raised his hands in defense.  “I never said that.  You’re thinking of Tony.”

“Yeah, blame Tony,” Steve chimed in, and the soreness in his ribs was compounded by butterflies when Darcy turned her gaze onto him.  “He told me the day I moved into the tower that I was, how did he put it?”

“’Only a member of the Avengers once you’ve been hit at least once by the taser queen.’” Natasha finished as she appeared at the doorway with a plate of cookies.  She cocked her head at Darcy’s puzzled look, and asked, “Did you really think I wouldn’t know?”

“I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised,” Darcy replied, darting across the room lightly to take the cookies.  “I just didn’t think Steve would take it serious!”

The machinery that Bruce was tinkering with beeped twice, and Steve took that as a signal to get up. He inspected the treats that Darcy had deposited on the lab counter, and couldn’t hold back a laugh.  “Apple pie?”

Darcy’s cheeks colored. “I thought that it would only be appropriate.  I did just tase Captain America, after all.  Thought I should apologize with some appropriately American comfort food.” She gently slapped away Bruce’s hand as he reached for a cookie, but Steve couldn’t hold back a smirk as Natasha managed to slip three away from the tray behind her back.

“What was it you were so concerned about?” Steve casually asked, ignoring how his stomach jumped when Darcy’s laughter filled the room.

“Well,” she said, leaning against the counter, “have you ever been in a prank war against a ninja?”

He tried not to catch Natasha’s look, but was unsuccessful.  His cheeks felt a bit warm as he oh-so-casually replied, “Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure.”

Her cheeks reddened further, and he mentally slapped himself for being so forward.  “Well then, you don’t understand the frustration of trying to fight arrows with bombs.”  She saw the look on his face, and quickly sputtered out, “Glitter bombs!  Not actual bombs.  I swear.  Oh guy, why do I even bother opening my mouth?”

“Because it’s a lovely mouth?” Steve commented, and then nearly choked on his cookie when his brain caught up to his mouth.  Bruce half-heartedly patted him on the back, and he thought he saw Natasha mouth ‘Just make out already’, although he really hoped he was wrong.

Totally worth it to watch Darcy’s eyes light up, though.

“But as I said before… everything, if you want some help in your war of sorts,” Steve attempted to oh-so-smoothly recover, “I happen to know a few techniques.”

“That’d be very nice,” Darcy said with a smile, before gracefully making her retreat.

Steve, still red in the face, decided to go lay down on the lab table again.  At least there, he could ignore Natasha and Bruce’s whispering.

Why was he still conscious, exactly?

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: ...Can You Even Tase An AI?

“Uhhhhh…” Darcy moaned, holding her heels in one hand and her taser in the other.  She slumped further onto Thor’s shoulder, hoping the elevator stopped soon.

Thor let out a gentle laugh, carefully shifting Jane in his arms so he could better support her.  “I suppose your Misgardian mead was a bit too strong for you this night?”

“Hey, big drinker, don’t tease me about alcohol,” she slurred, wanting nothing more than to lay down on the ground and use her purse as a pillow.  At least she still had her purse this time around.  “I lasted way longer than Jane did.  Three tequila shots and she was dead to the world.”

“Indeed,” Thor said, stepping forward as the elevator doors opened onto their floor as Darcy stumbled behind him.  “I don’t understand the convention of licking salt off someone’s body, but it is not an unpleasant experience.”

“Don’t wanna know, dude,” Darcy said with a groan, scrunching her nose at the memory of Jane licking salt out of Thor’s belly button.  That’s going into the list of ‘things I want to have blacked out of my memory by alcohol’.  Hopefully some sleep would relieve her of that mental image.

“I will escort you to your room once I have prepared Jane for sleep,” Thor said, heading into their bedroom, Jane cuddled into his (really quite nice) chest.

“No worries!” Darcy called back, taking a few steps forward and having to brace herself against the wall to keep from toppling over.  “I’ve got this!”  That was a complete and total lie, but she wasn’t about to deprive Thor of his Jane-care time.  He had such a sweet, nurturing side, one that he really didn’t get to use on Jane nearly enough.

“Oof!” Okay, she just ran into a wall.  Less thinking, more doing.

“JARVIS!” she urgently slurred, trying to keep

her voice low enough that Jane wouldn’t wake up.  “A li’l help here?”

“Of course, Miss Lewis,” the AI replied, in his beautiful, British voice.  Mmm… she needed a boyfriend with a British accent.  They were absolutely intoxicating.  He turned on the lights hidden in the sideboards that lead her to her room.

“You’re a champ, Jar,” Darcy responded, with a bit of a smile, before carefully feeling her way along the wall to her doorway.

Once she made it in, she had JARVIS turn on a few of the lights in her room, and peeled off her sparkly silver mini-dress, throwing her purse, shoes, and taser towards the nearest wall.  Her hand slipped, though, and she could have sworn that the taser was on when it collided with the power socket.  She gasped, falling backwards onto her bed, and the lights flickered a few times before returning to normal.

She hesitantly picked up her taser, but it was all out of juice.  Huh, she’d have to charge it in the morning before she left the tower.  She looked between it and the bed, trying to decide what to do.

Nope, she was way too drunk for this.  She’d deal in the morning.  She crawled into bed without changing, and managed to mumble “JARVIS, lights off,” right before she became dead to the world.

Of all the terrible things to happen in the morning, being awakened at seven am by your boss yelling about a mandatory, emergency meeting in twenty minutes was definitely the worse.  Especially with a hangover.  Oh good Thor, had she really forgotten to lay out the water and pain meds?  Her tongue tasted like she’d licked a metal pole, and her head was about to explode.  She groggily turned on her light, before hissing at the pain that it caused.  “JARVIS, for the love of Thor, please dim the light!”

To her utter relief, he did, although without the usual sassy comment about alcohol inhibition.  She grabbed the first clean clothes that she touched, and threw on shoes, glasses, and a hat before stumbling into the elevator with a bottle of water from her fridge.  She groaned when the elevator opened, cursing the loud noise and the fact that she couldn’t find her giant sunglasses that fit over her normal ones.  Stupid eyes, with their stupid nearsightedness and stupid needs.  Who let eyes error out, anyways?  Humanity in general should fix that, just for her.  Maybe Tony would figure it out someday.  Or maybe Bruce.

She managed to stagger her way into the meeting room, where the table was set up with, thank Thor, coffee already made up.  She grabbed a cup and curled into her chair, slowly peaking around the room, trying not to let the light make her head hammer any harder than the rock drummer in her brain was already pounding.

Naturally, Tony was at the head of the table, although he looked like a semi-truck had run him over.  Then backed up.  Then ran him over again.  If it was possible, he looked to be in even worse shape than Jane, who was leaning on Thor’s shoulder, sunglasses on and coffee in hand.  Knowing her, it’d taken Thor dragging her out of bed to be down here, and even now she was whimpering softly.  Clint was also in the corner of the room, the dark circles under his eyes in juxtaposition with his upright stance.  Must be a superhero thing.

Naturally, the rest of the Avengers looked to be wide awake and perky.  Natasha was chatting intently with Bruce, both of whom seemed to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  Darcy couldn’t help but smirk at her own joke.  And even though Captain Underpa—Steve (damn Tony’s nicknames!) was in sweaty workout clothes, he was still sitting with a cup of coffee and better posture than she’d ever had.

All in all, it seemed like a pretty normal morning, if one that started far too early.  There just seemed like something was missing.  Wait a minute…

“Tony?” Darcy croaked out, her vocal cords still rusty from disuse, “Why isn’t JARVIS calling the meeting?”

Tony looked at her, and the spark in his eye seemed to intensify.  He slammed his fist onto the table, and the sound made every conversation in the room stop, along with causing the drummer in her head to start a new solo album.  She saw Jane whimper across the table, and even Tony winced.

“Let me explain in quiet, for the walking hungover among us,” he oh-so-generously stated, making Darcy consider kissing him if it wouldn’t lead to so very, very many terrible consequences.  Like getting fired.  Bad brain, back on track!  She focused on Tony’s voice in time to catch him say, “I noticed this morning that JARVIS was a bit… off.  JARVIS, would you like to explain it yourself?”

“Nah thanks, partner,” JARVIS said in… is that a Texan accent?  His robotic voice had gone from the pleasant, soothing lullaby that the Brits did so well to a gruff drawl.  She saw the others were confused, too.  She took another sip of her coffee, because if the Avengers were baffled, this was a problem she really needed to be caffeinated for.

“This is particularly bizarre,” Tony continued, “Because I never programmed JARVIS for this type of intonation.  I’ve been working on it since three, when I noticed it.  I checked his records, and the switch occurred at 2:11 this morning.  So,” he turned to look at each person at the table in turn, “who’s gonna ‘fess up?”

“I was in my room by half past eleven last night,” Bruce said, getting up to get himself another cup of tea.  “I’m sure JARVIS can pull up the recordings in my room.”

“I sure can, buccaneer,” JARVIS said, sounding almost embarrassed for himself.  Darcy raised her mug in solidarity with the AI.

“And you, Lewis?” Tony asked.  “You look like death warmed over.  How late were you out?”

Darcy pulled her hat down further as she answered, “I can’t remember what time we made it back.  It’s all pretty blurry.”

“We arrived at the tower at three minutes past two this morning!” Thor cheerfully declared, causing Darcy to sink further into her chair and Jane to let out a low moan.  Thor’s smile turned into a concerned grimace, and he leaned down to pet Jane’s forehead and, she assumed, whisper an apology.

“Sir?” JARVIS interjected, although it sounded more like ‘saa-er’ to her.  “I think I found ‘da problem.”  The AI let out what sounded pretty close to a sigh, and said, “I do here think I need to get fixed right quick.”

“What is it?” Tony asked, ignoring the way Clint and Thor were quietly laughing.

“Well, it here does say that this do-hicker was caused by an electrical overload, that originated at ‘da 86th floor, where Thor, Lewis, and Foster slept.”  He paused, and said, “I do here ‘pologize for ‘da informality.”

“We’re good, keep going,” Jane mumbled from her seemingly-unconscious position.

“So, which one of you hacked into my AI’s system and screwed with his voice?” Tony asked accusingly, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands on the table as he looked from her to the others.

“I do not believe that this happened due to the interference of one of us,” Thor calmly stated, with a protective look at both her and Jane.  “By the time we reached the tower, my Jane was asleep from too much liquor, and Lady Darcy quickly left for her room.”

The lights flickered for a moment, and Darcy groaned as the memory came back to her.  She slowly raised her hand and said, “Uh, I might know what happened.”

Tony gave her a look, and motioned for her to continue.  “Well, I was putting my stuff down last night, and I think my taser was on, and hit one of the electrical sockets…”

“You tased.  My AI.”  Tony’s jaw just about dropped, and he looked up at the ceiling for conformation.

“It here-does look like ‘dis looker caused the electrical system in y’all’s floor to short-circuit, causin’ an electrical reboot ‘dat made mah system ta restart.  ‘Dat must uf made mai original Bridish accent become jarred, an’ caused it ta become ‘da accent I heard last, ‘da one on ‘da western channel Barton was watchin’.”

“JARVIS,” Clint absently said, “Your accent is thick as pea soup.”

“Thank ya kindly,” the AI replied.

“Okay, so you tased JARVIS,” Tony repeated, seemingly still in shock.  “I have no idea how you did it, but you tased JARVIS.”

“Apparently,” Darcy said, standing up to get another beautiful, precious mug of the life-giving coffee.

“Ser, it looks mighty like y’all’ll need ta do a manual reboot ta cause my systems ta run as normal.”

“In other words, turn it off and back on again?”

“That’s right, sugar plum!”

“JARVIS, stop flirting with my employees,” Tony said from where he was face-down on the table.  “Everyone, expect a small brown-out some time in the next two hours.  Meeting adjourned.”

Fortunately, between Bruce and Tony, JARVIS’s voice was back to normal by the time her hangover was over.  Still, Darcy was pretty sure that JARVIS had forgiven her, and found at least some humor in the situation.  At least she thought so, based on the way he kept changing the music in Tony’s lab to the sound track of Oklahoma!.

(She sends a smile at the nearest security camera every time Tony flinches upon hearing a southern accent.)

(Tony keeps twitching for the next two months.)

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: Hulk Like Taser?

Keep your weapons on you, she’d said.  Don’t make yourself a target, she’d said.  Make sure you’re in a defendable position, she’d said.  Darcy was following everything that Natasha had told her, but she’d never learned how to keep herself safe in case of a Hulk attack.

That really would’ve come in handy right about now.

Look, she knew she had a reputation for getting into trouble.  But it really wasn’t her fault.  She didn’t look for trouble; it found her.  Honest!  Okay, so maybe she wasn’t actively avoiding it… working for the Avengers was just about the opposite of ‘avoiding trouble’, if she was gonna be frank.  But she could circumvent most disasters, or at least get out of the way of the explosions.  Not every time, though.

Most of the problem was Tony Stark, and she didn’t think anyone could blame her for accusing him of being the source of trouble.  The man was a walking minefield.  Every word out of his mouth had the potential to create an explosion, although whether it was one that would destroy or create was always a new surprise.  She was honestly shocked that he hadn’t managed to get himself killed yet, although she supposed that was the work of the oh-so-wonderful Pepper Potts.  Okay, so she had a girl crush.  So what?

Back to the point.  The point being that Stark had screwed up.  Big-time.  Like, released-the-Hulk-on-his-ass big-time.  It’d started out like a normal day… at least, as normal as it ever got.  Bruce and Tony had gotten permission from Ms. Potts to have a joint lab day, so long as Darcy was there to manage the chaos.  She had groaned, but had agreed after Pepper had pulled out the big guns: a day off, complete with a spa day, for two.  She hadn’t been able to resist.  (She could see how everyone bent to Pepper’s will.  It was simply impossible to disagree with her.)

But then Tony had started poking Bruce, and hadn’t stopped after Bruce had told him to, after Darcy had told him to stop, after she had threatened to take away his scotch, and even after she’d threatened to tell Pepper.  She’d known he was stubborn as a mule, but she hadn’t realized he was suicidal, too.  (Although, from the stories she’d heard from the battle of New York, she probably shouldn’t be making those jokes.)

Tony had finally gotten the idea when Bruce’s eyes had turned almost completely green and he’d walked off to calm down, but all it’d taken was one more thoughtless poke from Tony, and boom.  Transformation.  Not a pleasant one, either.  She swore she was going to hear those groans and cries in her nightmares for a long, long time.

As soon as his skin had turned fully green, the Hulk had let out a roar and swiped at Tony, throwing him into a wall.  Her body reacted faster than her mind did, and she was on her feet with her taser in hand faster than she could say ‘this is a terrible idea!’.

“Hey!” she yelled, trying to pull herself up to her full height (and still feeling tiny, but that was the only normal part at the moment).  The Hulk took his eyes off Tony, and Darcy was hit with the full force of his furious gaze.  Huh, her mind wondered.  Who would think Fury was scary after seeing the Hulk?

“Leave my friend alone!” she shouted again, trying to peak at Tony’s unconscious body and gage how he was.  The Hulk took a step towards her, and she hit him with her taser, hoping she’d remembered to turn it on full blast.  The Hulk flinched as the electric shock went through him, and then roared again, this time loud enough to make the floor shake and several of the windows shatter.

Shit.  She was a dead woman.

Darcy raced towards the door on the other side of the room, trying to get to a defendable position or call security, but the Hulk lunged after her.  She managed to make it into one of the corners, behind a lab table, and she was squeezing her eyes shut, trying to block it all out, when she heard a snort directly above her.

She looked up, and saw the Hulk hovering over her, looking like he was about to squish her into Darcy-flavor soup.  She curled herself further into the corner, and did the only thing she could think of: looked up into his big, green eyes and squealed, “I’m so sorry!”

The Hulk stopped, seemingly confused.  “Sorry?” he asked, in his deep, growly voice.

Darcy nodded, hoping that he understood.  “I’m really sorry!  I promise I won’t shock you again.  Look!” Darcy put her still-active taser on the floor, and slid it across the floor and out of her reach, praying (not sure to who, Hiemdall, maybe?) that Hulk got the message.

He seemed to, because his gaze moved from her hunched form to the small device.  He bent down to consider it, then carefully picked it up between his thumb and forefinger, and held it up in front of his face.

“Be careful,” Darcy said, trying to warn the big guy, “It might give you a—”  Before she could complete her sentence, the Hulk had raised the electrified end of the taser to his forefinger, and based on his expression, she knew that he’d gotten another 50,000 volts through his body.  She curled further into the corner, if that was even physically possible, cringing and waiting for his rage to begin again.

What she wasn’t expecting was for the Hulk to burst into boisterous, terrifying laughter.  She looked up to see an almost-maniacal grin cross his face, and he proceeded to do it again.

“You okay, big guy?” Darcy asked, unable to resist her maternal instinct kicking in.

“Lightning box!” Hulk cried, proceeding to shock himself a third time.  Then he looked down at her, and dropped the taser, pointing at it.

“Uhh… what do you want me to do?” she asked, slowly uncurling herself.  The Hulk crouched down, pointed at the taser again, pointed at her, pointed at himself, and then looked at her expectantly.  She picked up the taser, set it to a lower power, and held it out.  The Hulk touched the tip of one of his fingers to it, jumped as the electricity coursed through his body, and fell onto his rear, roaring in a terrifying, and yet somehow endearing, way.  She giggled, and she saw Hulk’s eyes on her again, but this time it wasn’t scary.  More… like a puppy, begging for her to throw the ball again.  He could growl, but at the end of the day he just wanted to be petted.

“Again?” she asked, the fear and adrenaline slowly seeping out her body.  The Hulk nodded, and she touched the taser to his arm this time, smiling with a bit more confidence as he broke into giggles again.

She had just managed to zap Hulk for the sixth time when Captain America himself entered the lab, with a trail of paramedics following after him.  They ran over to Tony and started getting him onto a stretcher while the Capsicle (what?  She’d heard Tony call him that so many times in the last few weeks that she was having trouble calling him anything else) went over to Hulk.

“Hello, big guy,” he said to Hulk, “I know it’s been a rough day, but how about you let the pretty lady go?”

As flattered as she was by the compliment, she felt she had to correct his assumption.  “Hi, Darcy Lewis, and I think we’ve got this covered.”  She reached up for one of Hulk’s fingertips, and he reached back down to her.  “Hey, buddy?  I know we’re having fun and all, but could we get Banner back, please?  We need him right about now.”

“But pretty lady fun!” Hulk said, stomping his foot (and wow, now she knew why Pepper had insisted on reinforcing the lab floors the last time something blew up in here, because it felt like an earthquake), and pouting like a child.  A giant, green, muscular child, but the resemblance was undeniable.

“Hulk,” Captain America started, “We need you to—”

“Pretty please?”  Darcy said, interrupting him.  She gave the Hulk her biggest puppy dog eyes, and pouted her lips.  She could see the super soldier looking at her strangely, but she kept her focus on the great green guy (and yay mental alliteration!).  “Can we please have Banner back?  We can play another time, promise.”

Hulk let out another sigh, this one making the paramedics so scared they almost dropped Tony as they hauled him down to the med bay.  “Okay.  But play again soon!”  And with that, he started to transform before her very eyes, shrinking down and becoming more and more pale until Banner was sitting on the floor, naked as the day he was born.  His eyes widened in shock when he saw her, and she politely covered her eyes and looked away (after peeking, because hello, the hero always peeks!).  Captain America covered him with one of the lab coats laying on the floor, from Hulk’s frustrated smashing, and then turned to her.

“That was very brave of you, ma’am.  And such quick thinking.  How did you manage him?”  She looked over at him, and saw in his eyes… was that admiration?  From America’s golden child?  (Screw you, Tony, for getting all the nicknames in her head!)

“I mean, it really wasn’t that hard,” she said, motioning to Banner’s now-sleeping form.  “Hulk’s actually pretty nice when you play with him.”

Needless to say, Darcy’s next lunch out with Bruce was incredibly fun for her, and very, very embarrassing for him.

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: The Vents?  Really?

Look, this time it really wasn’t her fault.  She fully blamed Clint.  In fact, they all kinda did, especially Tony and Natasha.  Tony because he was getting real sick of getting his vents cleaned because, in his words, “Some idiot spy thinks that he can climb around the vents in my building and not be as obvious as a cat with a box stuck on his head running into walls,” and Natasha because she blamed everything on Clint.  Speaking of which, Darcy still needed to ask what happened in Budapest.  Preferably while drunk.  Very, very drunk.  But that’s not the point.

The point is, she had Clint’s unconscious body on the floor.  Again.  (At least this time around she had a magnificent view of his rear, because hey, she was not above taking opportunities as they arose.)  This totally wasn’t her fault.  Not a jury in the world would convict her.  I mean, she had been air attacked, right?  Is that the right term for it?  Whatever.

She had just been expecting a simple, normal afternoon, which was probably an error on her part, considering the people (heroes? Not all of them were even human!) she lived with.  She’d gone into the main Avengers kitchen, because she’d been craving chocolate-chip cookies and was too lazy to go to the store or wait for a delivery of ingredients, and JARVIS had said that everything was available in there.  And if there’s one thing that could motivate Darcy to bake, it was hunger.  Literally nothing else would ever convince her that spending two hours working with dough and heat would be worth it.  But she was invested now, damn it, and she was not a quitter!

She had just gotten the first batch of cookies into the oven and was leaning against the kitchen counter when she heard a voice behind her ask, “Can I have one?”  She turned around and saw a face and one arm dangling from a ceiling vent.  She screamed, grabbed her souped-up taser (thank you, Tony), and fired it at the top of the vent.  He gave a short exclamation, and fell head-first onto the carpet.  She stared at him as he slumped into unconsciousness.  After a minute or two, she had an idea.

“JARVIS!” she said into the ceiling, “Can you please call Natasha, and maybe some of the med staff?  I think he’s going to need his head checked.”

“I have done so, and they are on their way,” JARVIS’s crisp British accent said.  “Additionally, I believe that your cookies are burning.”

She ran over to the oven to check on the cookies, and was so busy trying not to burn herself in the process that she could almost ignore Clint being hauled away to the med bay.  Or, at least, that’s what she told herself.

“And who are you here to see?” The receptionist asked her, looking down her nose at her.  Darcy stood up a little taller.

“Clint Barton, please.” She held up her plate full of cookies.  “And I come with gifts.”

The woman stared at the plate hungrily, but shook her head.  “I’m sorry, ma’am, but all guests must be given visiting permission from the patient’s family or emergency contact, and currently the Black Widow is in his room.  I don’t think you will be visiting today.”

“Oh, can you ask her?” Darcy said, hope filling her voice.  “I just want to go and apologize.”

The woman looked at her like she was crazy, but picked up the phone and paged Natasha, who arrived straight away.

“I was wondering when you were going to show up,” Natasha said, before waving her onward, away from the receptionist’s stunned gaze.  They walked in silence up to his room, but before she opened the door, Darcy nervously asked, “How bad is the damage?”

“See for yourself,” Natasha said, and opened the door to the sight of a sitting, and obviously restless Clint.  His eyes zoomed in on the plate of cookies.

“Ooh!” he said, and made grabby hands for the plate.

“Not so fast,” Darcy said, “First comes the apology.  I’m really sorry for tazing you, and I hope we can still be…” she trailed off, trying to find the right word for it.

“Friends?” Clint filled in.  “It’s okay.  Most of my friends have injured me way worse than this.  All you gave me is two cracked ribs, and those will be healed up within a week, with Tony’s tech.  Hell, Natasha hurt me worse than this our first sparring session, and we were going easy on each other!”

“You were going easy on me,” Natasha interjected.  “I knew to take the opportunity while it was there.  Now,” she said, turning to Darcy, “Clint promises not to jump out at you from the vents, and not to startle you again.  Isn’t that right, Clint?”

He pouted, but hesitantly nodded his head.  “Now that we’ve got all that sappy stuff out of the way, though, can we get into those cookies?  Because they look fantastic.”

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: The Sexual Harassment Case

Having gotten out from under SHIELD's wings and into Stark Industry had its advantages. She had an actual salary now, for one, which meant she was now being paying about half of what putting up with Tony Stark was worth. She also had her own office in the middle of the labs, which was pretty sweet. She'd been using it to take micro-naps while working, which she was sure everyone would totally understand. If she told them, anyways.

But there were also a few disadvantages... like having to deal with the jerk in front of her.

"Hey, beautiful. Ever wanted to try turning up the heat a little? Because I'd happily keep you warm."

Ugg. Why'd she always attract these kinds of bozos? Okay, she'll admit that when she heard Johnny Storm and the other members of the Fantastic Four were arriving in Avengers Tower, she had been thrilled. She was a little star-struck, and she was starting to develop a taste for superheroes (she blamed the Avengers, with their perfect biceps and perfect abs that you could shred cheese on), but her attraction had ended the moment that he had opened his mouth and THAT had poured out. He was a complete and total perv. Eww, no thank you!

"No, I think I'd rather go jump in New York Bay first, thanks," she replied, signing the form she'd just finished filling out and grabbing the next one off the stack. "Don't you have a supervillain to go beat up or something?"

"Nope!" He replied, leaning back on her spare chair and crossing his arms above his head, looking for all the world like he was having the time of his life. "Reed's busy sharing whatever stupid idea he came up with this time with Stark, so he's busy for the next couple hours." The door opened behind him, but he was too busy ranting to notice.

"Come on, why won't you let me take you out?" "Maybe you're just not her type," Natasha replied, making Johnny jump in his seat. Darcy couldn't suppress a smirk. He had had a run-in with Natasha earlier in the day, apparently, and he looked for all the world like he was staring into the face of death. Which, in a way, he was. "Ready for your lesson?" Natasha asked, setting her eyes now on Darcy. Yikes, even though she'd know the woman for two months, she still totally understood Johnny's fear.

"Yeah, I'll be down in ten minutes," she oh-so-casually replied, grabbing her sports bag.

"Make it three," Natasha said, then turned and left the room. Darcy turned to Johnny and said, "Looks like I've got a date," and walked out of her office, not even waiting for him to pick his jaw up off the ground.

“So your type is dark and deadly, huh? Well, I say that you could use a little… heating up.” Darcy couldn’t help rolling her eyes when she heard that voice behind her. Johnny had been pursuing her relentlessly all week. She swore that he was taking her blatant refusal as a challenge. She’d dodging him with JARVIS's help, but he kept popping up in the strangest places. Like Jane’s lab, for instance.

“My type isn’t dark and deadly. It’s just that I have standards, ones that are too high for me to consider you,” she tossed out, not even looking up from the equations she was inputting.

Johnny wolf whistled. “That’s quite the burn, gorgeous. See, this is why we’d be perfect together.” She looked up to glare at him, and he grinned, then (oh my Thor) swaggered towards her. “Admit it: you want me.” Was he… was he posing? Odin help us all.

“No, no I do not. Do me a favor, and leave.” She turned her music back on and turned back to the computer, ignoring him as he whined, “Come on, beautiful, give me a chance. Let me take you out—”

“I believe the lady has made her desires clear,” Thor’s booming voice interjected. She turned around to greet him, and saw Johnny visibly shrink. “She does not wish for you to remain, and thus your best course of action is to leave my lightning sister alone, before she requests your removal.”

Johnny, for his credit, nearly ran out of the room. “Thor, you’re my favorite brother from space,” Darcy said, going over to give him his greeting hug.

“The feeling is thoroughly requited, my little friend,” he said, hugging her back tightly.

Darcy sighed as she finally got to the front of the Starbucks line. It'd taken a good half hour of waiting in line, but it was totally worth it. She loved getting out of the tower to do her two favorite things: drink caffeine, and chat with friends. She was just glad that Pepper had declared one late night after she had seen her still awake after twenty-eight hours straight that all caffeine-containing beverages were to be considered business expenses. There weren't many things better than free coffee. Speaking of which...

"Could I please get one venti quadruple-shot half-and-half caramel macchiato, with double syrup, extra drizzle, and extra whip? The name's Darcy, thanks." She gave her sweetest smile and tried to ignore the way the barista's jaw dropped. "Oh, and a grande sugar-free green tea, please." She was digging through her purse to grab her company credit card when a man next to her said, "I'll pay for her drinks."

She looked up next to her, only to see, "Johnny? You've got to be kidding me." She found her card and handed it to the barista, pushing his hand out of the way in the process.

“Why are you so cold? I was just trying to make sure you got all warmed up!”

"What are you doing here?" She hissed, doing her best to shoot daggers with her eyes, the way Natasha seemed to do so well. He shrugged, following her to wait for her drinks.

"I may have asked around to see where you go in your free time. And when I saw you leaving the tower—"

"You followed me?!" She shrieked, catching the attention of the people around her. She lowered her voice and whispered, "This is really, really not okay. I've told you over and over again, I don't want to go out with you, I don't want to spend time with you, and I just want you to leave me alone. Are you hearing what I'm saying?"

"I know that's what you're saying," Johnny said, still wearing that stupid, cocky smile, "But I know what you really mean is—"

"This guy bothering you, Darcy?" Bruce interrupted, appearing with their drinks and handing her her cup. His body language was perfectly calm, but his eyes were tinged green, and he seemed to radiate anger.

"No, no," Johnny said, "Not bothering her at all. See you at the tower, Darcy."

"No you won't!" She called after his retreating form. She turned to Bruce. "Thanks for that. The guy won't leave me alone."

They sat down at a table and Bruce gazed down at his cup of tea for a few moments before mumbling, "I've never liked men that won't take no for an answer. The other guy doesn't, either."

Darcy couldn't help smiling. "And both of you were my knight in shining armor today! But enough about that jerk. Tell me about your work."

That’s it. Darcy was on the edge of getting a restraining order. Johnny was practically stalking her. She had even talked to Tony, who had passed on the message to Johnny through Reed Richards that he was to stay away from her. She was so glad that the Fantastic Four were going to be leaving today. It had been a long two weeks, and she was looking forward to finally being able to breathe easy. She just had to put up with Tony and Richards’ final lab day together, which all of the other lab assistants had ducked out of, the wimps, and then she was free!

Of course, that was a lot easier said than done. So far she was succeeding, although it had involved a lot of yelling phrases like, “No, don’t try to put JARVIS into that machine!” and “Hold on, Tony, you can’t pour vodka into Red Bull!” and “Stop, Tony, Pepper does not you giving sex advice to Reed and Sue. Yes, she will find out about this. I’ll make sure of it.” Even though Reed was even more arrogant than Tony, which she hadn’t thought was possible, he at least had the sense to follow directions. That was a nice change of pace. He was fairly self-sufficient, although he did lose track of time, much like Banner often did. She could handle that.

At least she had them mostly settled down now. They were just putting the finishing touches on their prototype, while she was running the simulations on the computer with JARVIS’s help to make sure nothing would explode. Or implode. Or create a wormhole. All three were legitimate concerns.

All of a sudden, she felt a hand around her waist, and Johnny’s voice in her ear, saying, “So, baby, you wanna go on that date before I leave?” A cold chill went through her body, and the training Natasha had been drilling into her kicked in. She grabbed his arm, twisted it backwards, and while he was knocked off-balance, kicked his legs out from under him and backed up two steps while he hit the ground. She grabbed her taser, set it for its highest power, and fired it at him before he could get up. As he spasmed on the ground, she ran to the other side of the room, where Tony and Reed were watching the scene as it unfolded.

Reed raised his eyebrows at her, and asked in a half-arrogant, half-amused voice, “Was that really necessary?”

“Look,” Darcy said, still panting from adrenaline, “It was this or a lawsuit. You really wanna go up against Tony’s lawyers?”

Reed looked over at Johnny’s unconscious and slightly-singed body, and said, “It was about time you did it. I was afraid Sue was going to have to. This is probably less painful.”

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: The Training Session

“Remind me why I have to do this?” Darcy asked, wiggling nervously in her seat. Jane sighed beside her. “Because it’s the only requirement Director Fury set when he agreed not to fire you. Now calm down.” “It’s not that simple, Jane!” Darcy almost whined. “You’re not the one whose ass is about to be kicked by a world-famous spysassin.” “Relax,” Jane chided. “Thor says that Agent Romanov is actually quite polite, if intimidating. She’s probably doing this because Director Fury asked her to. She’ll probably just see where you’re at, show you a few tips, and then you’ll be on your way.” “Yeah, after she kicks my ass!” Darcy cried, and Jane cringed at the volume of her voice. “Calm down, and lower your voice,” Jane instructed. “I know you want to make a good first impression, and yelling at her is probably not the one you want to give. You’ll be fine, don’t worry. Oh, we’re here!” The limo pulled up in front of the building, and Jane stepped out of it after thanking the driver, with Darcy hesitantly following her. They checked in with the guards at the front door, and stepped into the elevator down to the main part of the building. “I really don’t get why they put all this effort into secrecy if their building is just going to be in broad daylight,” Darcy commented. “Me neither,” Jane agreed. “Now, I’m just going to be working in the labs with a few other scientists while you go train with Agent Romanov, and I’ll text and wait for you until you’re done in the main lobby, okay?” “You get the easy job, you know that? You get to go play with your little fellow scientists in all kinds of fun sciency things, and blow stuff up, while my ass is kicked into next week!” Jane couldn’t help giggling at Darcy’s pouting expression. “You’ll be fine. And really, Leo Fitz and Dr. Simmons don’t count as ‘little scientists’, they’re—oh, this is my floor!” She hugged Darcy quickly as the doors opened, and walked through, waving behind her back and yelling behind her “You’re gonna do great!” Darcy covered her face with her hands as the doors closed and the elevator continued downward. When the bell rang again and the doors opened, she took a deep breath, stood up straight, and walked through into the long hallway. Room 1387, her training room, was at the end of a long hallway, and she had to press her hand to the sensitive glass, input the eleven-digit code, and say the code word for the doors to open. Paranoid much? Inside the room was a tall, redheaded woman in a black shirt and pants. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, her body quick and agile as she worked over a punching bag in the corner. She was like a panther: shining black, stunningly beautiful. And absolutely terrifying. Darcy took one look at the woman, and almost ran away. She had seen the woman on the footage of the Battle of New York, but seeing her in person was a completely different bucket of fish. Or however that saying goes. Her brain was too fried from terror to make sense of it. When the woman set her eyes on her, her instincts were screaming at her to run, to hide. But she couldn’t move; it felt like her piercing gaze had stuck her in place. And then she surprised her. The woman laughed, a sound that was both joyous and utterly terrifying. “I always told Clint that I was the more terrifying of us two,” the woman said as she walked closer. “You must be the famed Darcy Lewis. I’ve heard quite a bit about you and your tasing habit.” As Darcy’s brain slowly unfroze, it occurred to her that maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as she thought it’d be. “Y-yes, that’s me!” she stammered, trying to project false confidence, and failing. The woman's lips turned upward, forming a little smirk. "I must say, when Clint said that you had taken him out, I had expected someone... taller." "Just because I didn't win the genetic lottery doesn't mean I can't kick ass when necessary," Darcy retorted automatically. She had heard far too many short jokes over the years not to. The woman's smile grew. "When Director Fury told me that I would be training you," the woman continued, “I was a little surprised. Honestly, I thought he would have stuck you in with the freshmeat SHIELD agents, but apparently he thought you were dangerous enough that you needed the extra help. Natasha Romanov,” she said, sticking her hand out for Darcy to shake. Darcy took it, and Natasha turned her arm behind her back and put her into a headlock. Without thinking, Darcy pulled her taser from her back pocket with her free hand, turned it on full power, and pushed it into the woman’s side, giving her a jolt. Natasha dropped her arm from her throat, clutching her side with a look of surprise and… was that amusement? “I understand now,” she said, panting slightly. “The taser, a nice trick. You’ve got quite the draw on that.” She fully stood up, and plucked it from Darcy’s hands. “But you need to be more than a one-trick pony.” She pointed to a cabinet on the other side of the room. “True self-defense isn’t using a weapon; it’s being one.” Darcy groaned, and Natasha’s smirk turned into a terrifying smile. “Get comfortable. We’re going to be here a while.”

“What do you meant you tased my agent?!” Darcy had to hold the phone away from her ear in order for her hearing not to be damaged from Director Fury’s bellowing voice. “You had one job, Lewis! One job! Just get through a simple self-defense course without injuring anyone. And what did you do? You tased the Black Widow!” Darcy groaned. She was so not feeling this. After a two-hour lesson with the Black Widow, her ass had been promptly and thoroughly kicked. She was pretty sure that she had been taking revenge for tasing her, although Jane had sworn up and down that she was positive that she would never do such a thing, and that she was a consummate professional. Darcy said that her smirk made that a bold-faced lie. But back to her current disaster. Jane looked over from her lab table, and mouthed, ‘you okay?’. Darcy just nodded resignedly, as Fury droned on, “You managed to take out the Black Widow with a motherfu-“, when the phone was snatched out of her hands. “Hey!” she shouted, as Tony stole her (beautiful, oh-so-precious) iPhone and chipperly hit the speaker button. “Look, Fury, Darcy’s currently a limp noodle laying across my very-expensive, mind you, couch. She looks about as ready to take a lecture from you as Clint is to shut up, meaning not at all. What did she do that made you turn into such a sourpuss?” “Stark,” Fury said with obvious irritation, “She took a taser to Romanov, and made her suffer a first-degree burn. While it’s healing quickly, she is an obvious danger to herself and those around her, and unless she gives up her weapon,” Darcy made her displeasure very clear at this statement, “she is no longer welcome to work with SHIELD.” “Fine,” Tony said, as Jane and Darcy looked up in shock and fury, “she can come work for Stark Industries, then.” He turned to Darcy. “How about it, doll? I can pay you double what SHIELD is now.” “Zero times two is still zero, genius,” Darcy snapped back. “Then I’ll add on $50,000 a year, and you can live in the tower, for zero rent. How’s that sound?” Darcy’s jaw dropped as Fury swore incoherently on speaker. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Fe male. But I work under Pepper, you hear me? I won’t have you bossing me around.” “Done and done,” he said, before saying into the phone, “Send my condolences to Maria. I know she’ll miss Darcy,” and hanging up on the director.

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: To Be Fair, He’s Freaking Terrifying

Darcy tapped her foot impatiently. Honestly, if SHIELD wanted to use her as a gofer, they could at least have the decency to be on their own stupid schedule. She has followed all of their instructions: go to Penn Station, buy a ticket for the Coast Line, wait in line to avoid suspicion, head in the direction of the women's room, sneak past the 'construction in process, do not pass' tape, duck into the fourth doorway on the left, and input that twelve-digit pass-code they'd insisted she memorize. All while in an incredibly-itchy blonde wig and gigantic shades. And then they made her wait! Seriously, if nobody showed up in next five minutes, she was just going to dump these 'incredibly important, Darcy those contain all my research, hand it to Leo Fitz directly and no one else, are you even listening?' files that Jane had given her in this waiting room, and head to Starbucks. A girl had her priorities, after all.

Just as she was standing up to walk out the door, a young man who looked like he'd just gotten out of college yesterday entered the tiny reception area. He took one look at her, and dismissed her. Hey, just because she was young and looked like she's just stepped out of a hipster cafe did not mean that she wasn't important! “State your business,” he said, looking down his nose at her, which was actually kind of impressive considering the five-inch heels that they'd insisted she wear as part of her disguise.

"Well," she started, digging through her purse to grab the files, “My name is Darcy Lewis, and—”

The change in his attitude was immediate. He nearly leapt backwards, stammering, “D-Darcy Lewis! Yes, w-we were expecting you. Please, follow me!” He turned around and went through the doorway he'd come from, Darcy almost stumbling to keep up with his pace. He led her into an elevator going down. Hello, underground secret government agency base! She thought that was just a cliché from the movies. The doors opened about thirty seconds later, and the damp chill in the air made it clear that they were deep underground. “Just follow the signs to the offices, okay?” The man said hurriedly. “If you have any problems or get lost, just ask anyone. I'm sure anyone would answer your questions.” He hurriedly dashed back into the elevator. She turned around, and began to ask, “But what if—”, but he was already gone.

Darcy wondered for a moment what that was all about, but then just shrugged. SHIELD was populated by total weirdos? Somehow, that didn't surprise her. She tried to see the signs the man had talked about, but found herself swept into the rapidly-moving crowd of people, moving too quickly to her to focus on any one thing for too long. After about fifteen minutes of this human merry-go-round, she finally managed to escape into a large room, filled of people. She looked around, but couldn’t recognize any of the agents furiously typing away at computers. She could see a tall brunette dressed in a navy blue jumpsuit on a platform in the middle of the room, pacing back and forth as she chattered into a Bluetooth headset. At least there was someone around here that looked like she knew what she was doing. Darcy looked around, shrugged, and walked up the stairs towards the woman, ignoring the confused looks that some of the agents were throwing her direction. She stopped right in front of her, and was grateful that her wig had gotten thrown off in the confusion.

Maria Hill looked up from her call to see a petite woman she had never seen before standing in front of her. That was odd. Security wasn’t here, so obviously she had been allowed in by someone, but she had made an effort to at least recognize every agent in the building. She ended the call with Agent Sitwell, and focused her attention on the woman before her. “Pardon me,” she said, her voice polite but insistent, “Who are you?”

Darcy shrugged, and said, “I’m the girl who pulled the short straw, and had to come to deliver paperwork today. Darcy Lewis, at your service!” She held out her hand, and Maria couldn’t suppress her smirk. She knew that name: ever since Coulson, Barton, and a few other agents had come back from New Mexico, every agent had been talking about the girl who took down not just a god, but also one of their top agents, as well as the head of Stark Industries. She was something of an enigma: no one could understand how the tiny brunette could manage to not just outwit, but knock senseless, some of the most powerful people on SHIELD record. She obviously didn’t look capable of such a thing, but Maria knew better than to underestimate people. She herself had been underestimated too many times to count, and many of them had lived to regret it. She shook the woman's, barely more than a girl’s, hand, and replied, “I see. Would you like me to show you to where you can leave the paperwork?”

Darcy’s eyes widened. She figured that she’d be left to one of the lackeys, but if she was offering, she would take it. Still, as the woman turned around, she couldn’t help asking, “Shouldn’t one of the other agents show me the way? I’m sure you have things to do.”

Maria couldn’t stop the smile on her face from growing. The woman hadn’t noticed yet how all the agents were crouching into their work-spaces, occasionally looking over their shoulders in what they thought was a subtle manner to catch a glimpse of the girl. She practically oozed friendliness, but the moment she spoke her name, Maria saw how all the agents were intimidated. Funny how they could take on insane gods, alien invasions, and all sorts of catastrophes, but were scared of a college student. “It’s no trouble. In fact, I believe Director Fury would be quite interested in meeting you.”

Darcy had no response to that, so she just followed the woman down the long hallways, noting with interest how the crowd of agents parted to allow them through. They stopped in front of a dark door and the woman punched a code into the keypad in the frame, opening the door for her. Darcy stepped into the dark and crowded office, her eyes taking a moment to adjust before they saw the tall file cabinets and walls covered in framed documents. “Go ahead and leave the papers in here. If anyone comes in and tries to bother you, tell them Agent Hill gave you permission to enter.” And with that, the woman—Agent Hill—walked out of the room. Darcy shrugged, pulled the papers out of her bag, plopped them onto the desk, and took a look around. It looked like this was the powerhouse of the building: there were forms all over the desk, with phrases like ‘replication of experimental bio-mechanical Chitauri armor plating’ and ‘formation of research and defense team under newly recovered agent’ all over them. She shrugged, and looked at the files. She tried to resist the urge to dig too deeply into the room, but her curiosity got the best of her, and she pulled out Jane’s file from the alphabetically-organized cabinets. She swung herself up to sit on the desk, and was reading it and giggling about it when the door crashed open, and a deep voice bellowed, “Who are you, and what are you doing in my office!?”

Darcy knew intellectually that the tall black man was probably the Director Fury that the woman had told her about, and that she was technically allowed to be in the office, but in that moment, none of it mattered. Her body responded before she could think: she had her hands wrapped around her taser, and had aimed and fired before she even realized she had stood up. As she watched the man fall to the ground, cursing loudly, she knew that she had to leave the office quickly. She grabbed her purse, ran out the door, and grabbed the nearest person, telling them to check on the man. She then made her way to the elevators as quickly as she could, making a few wrong turns, before she was able to make her escape.

“What do you mean she’s fired?!”

Jane was not in the mood for this. She already had Tony trying to tear apart her machines, and Darcy had been suspiciously quiet ever since her trip to SHIELD the day before. Not only was that disturbing, but she had been tight-lipped about her visit there, even when Jane pressured her to tell her what Fitz had said about the papers. Plus Thor was gone again, this time off on a training week in California. It was enough to make her want to scream. And then, of course, on the very day she was planning on running the first concrete test of her theory, the director of SHIELD called her, and told her that Darcy’s job had been terminated, effective immediately. “That’s not possible. What reason could you possibly have to fire her?”

Director Fury signed internally. He should have just had the paperwork filed through human resources, for the insolent woman to discover the next time she tried to pick up her paycheck. Things were so much easier when he didn’t have to interfere with them personally, but Agent Hill had insisted that, if he demanded that the woman be fired, it would have to be personally. He was sure that this wasn’t what she had intended, but he had no intention of telling her such. “Lewis has been shown to have attacked a SHIELD employee without provocation, which is grounds for termination. This is effective immediately.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Jane insisted, her voice growing loud enough to catch the attention of the other people in the lab. She caught Darcy’s eye and mouthed ‘I’m working on it’, before reaching over to slap Tony’s hand before he could take apart another one of her electronics. “Where in the contract is that stated? And it’s not like we haven’t been threatened before this. Don't think that I have forgotten that you stole my research in New Mexico, even if you did eventually return it.”

As Jane ranted on, Tony gave her an inquisitive look, and turned to Darcy questioningly. She shrugged, and whispered, “Apparently Director Fury is really angry about something, and is taking it out on Jane. No clue what it is.” That wouldn’t do. If it involved that old pirate who thought he could control everything, he just had to know what it was. It was his tower, after all. It’s not like they had much of a choice; everything was his business. He casually walked over to Doctor Foster, who was still fuming into the phone, and quickly pulled it out of her tight grip.

“So, Captain Furious, what are you getting the good doctor all worked up about?” Tony said into the phone, casually leaning against one of the benches, ignoring Doctor Foster’s gaping look and Darcy’s badly-suppressed laughter. He heard the director’s long-suffering sigh on the line, and smirked.

“Well, not that it is in any way your business, but I was discussing with Doctor Foster as to why her assistant, Miss Lewis, is being terminated from SHIELD’s employment, due to her having tased an employee.”

Tony stopped for a moment, stunned, before asking, “Who was said employee?” The line was silent for a moment, before the director hesitantly replied, “…Myself.”

Tony couldn’t help his snort, and the director began his proclamation again. “Now, if you will simply hand the phone over to Doctor Foster once again, I can finish the arrangements and ensure that that girl never—”

Tony cut him off there. “Trust me, dude, that will cause you way more grief than it’s worth. She’d only have tased you if you deserved it, and that’s no reason to fire her.” Ignoring Darcy’s now understanding and shocked look and the director’s stammering, he continued. “Besides, I happen to like her. Any woman who will do what even Captain America is scared to do is obviously good in my book.” Fury tried to break in, again, and he cut him off by saying, “Plus, don’t forget that I’m helping fund SHIELD. It’s generally a bad idea to fire the people I actually like.”

Director Fury was silent for a moment, considering his options, before resignedly saying, “Fine. She may stay. But she has to have training, so she’s not a hazard to herself and others.”

“Deal,” Tony said, before hanging up on the director and handing the phone back to an incredulous Jane. “Sometimes Fury just needs a little sweet-talking,” he said, as way of explanation. “He says you’ll need some training, but you’re still employed.” At that, he walked back to his lab.

Darcy was finally able to scrape her jaw off the ground, and looked at Jane. “Well, it looks like there’s another guy besides Thor who likes women who tase them.”

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: Strike One!

"Uhhh..." Darcy moaned, leaning on the stack of boxes in her new apartment. Jet lag really was awful, especially when she didn't have alcohol on hand to self-medicate with. Something about Ms. Potts having to approve of all alcohol consumption in the building after Tony Stark did something particularly idiotic. She hadn't been able to catch any details. Jane had been running her ragged ever since they'd arrived three days ago. With Thor still in Asgard making arrangements with his oh-so-high-and-powerful father, Jane was a mess.

"Miss Lewis," JARVIS said, breaking into her thoughts, "Doctor Foster has requested your presence in her laboratory." Speak of the devil. Or, in this case, of the petite astrophysicist with absolutely no sense of self-sufficiency.

"Are you sure there's no way for me to ignore her?" She asked, leaning into the boxes a little more heavily.

"There does not appear to be so, Miss Lewis. I apologize." She groaned a little louder, and the AI added, "But Doctor Banner is in the adjacent laboratory, so you will not be completely alone. Also, he appears to have started the coffee machine."

Darcy stood up straight, and considered her options. Hmm... Sleep now and later deal with a grumpy Jane, or go down to the lab, take notes for an hour or two, dose up on caffeine, and drug Jane with sleeping pills until she got some real sleep? She grabbed her purse and walked through the doorway before she could reconsider her decision.

Twelve stories down, she walked in on a very hyper Jane ranting to a very anxious-looking Banner. "See, all we'd have to do is create a collection field for capturing neutrinos large enough to obtain a sufficient number in order to overcomes their lack of significant mass, possibly removing the problem of fabricating enough dark matter to create the pull needed to create a stable two-way brid— Darcy!" Jane practically bounced over to her and gave her a hug.

"Woah, boss-lady! Slow down! We've only been here a couple days. They're not going to take everything away this time. We've got plenty of time to do it all."

"I know!" She replied. "Isn't it wonderful? Now that we're here, we can start on researching the full implications of —" And off she went again. Darcy knew enough to tune out when she saw Jane starting up another Science! rant. Instead, she focused on Jane's appearance, taking in the greasy, hasn't-been-washed-in-a-week hair, the deep bags under her eyes, and the frenzied energy she displayed as she practically bounced in place. Darcy sighed internally. She knew what it meant: she was about three hours from either falling asleep in place, or opening a black hole. She needed to move, fast.

"Jane, Dr. Banner, would either of you like some coffee? Thank you Dr. Banner, by the way, for starting it. You have no idea how much I need this." As Banner politely declined and Jane enthusiastically murmured from her work in quantum-whatevers, Darcy looked around for that stash of sleeping pills. She looked imploringly at the nearest camera, and one of the drawers popped open. She mouthed 'thank you' to JARVIS, and poured herself a mug before 'accidentally' spilling the rest. She cursed her 'clumsiness', before calling over her shoulder, "Sorry, Jane! Looks like you'll have to wait for the next round." The distracted woman mumbled her acknowledgement, before attacking one of the pages on the table with an almost frightening ferocity. It was obviously going to be a long night, if the sleeping pills didn't work.

Fortunately, ten agonizingly slow minutes later, the decaf coffee was ready, and Darcy had managed to dissolve the sleeping pills into it without it affecting the taste too much. At least, it didn't seem like it had, based on the way Jane gulped it down like a drowning woman needing air. Darcy shook her head. What was she going to do with her? At least Thor would be back soon. "So, what should I start on?" she asked. Jane didn't even look up, just held out a two-inch-thick stack of papers. "Could you input these equations into the computer? I think I'm on the edge of a breakthrough." Darcy sighed, grabbed the papers, put in her tunes, and let her mind drift off as she began the lackluster task.

The next thing she was really conscious of was a sudden, sharp pain in her derrière. She snapped to attention, ripped out her earbuds, and turned around, to see a man in his early forties smirking at her. Her eyes narrowed in anger. "Did you do what I think you just did?" she asked, trying to keep her voice under control.

The man’s grin just grew wider. "Well, it is my building, my labs..." He let his eyes trail down her body, making her feel sick to her stomach. "My people."

Okay, whoever this creep was obviously needed some mental help, along with a heavy dose of feminism. She was about to calmly (or as calmly as she could, considering she has his handprint on her cheeks) explain why you couldn't just sexually harass women and expect to get away with it, when he took a step towards her. She felt something inside of her snap. She grabbed the taser out of her bag, and fired it. His body crumpled to the floor, twitching slightly, and she suddenly realized that Jane and Dr. Banner were staring at her. Jane looked horrified, but Banner... Was that a smile she saw? She realized that she should probably say something.

"What a weirdo, right? They should really keep the raving lunatics to the asylum level... There is an asylum level, right?" She looked at Dr. Banner as his grin grew wider, and he started to laugh. "What is it? Please, share with the rest of the class."

He finished his chuckle, and said, "Yes, they do have an asylum level, and it's called the penthouse. The man you just electrocuted is Tony Stark, the owner of this building, and the person who signs your paychecks."

Darcy turned wide-eyed to the now-unconscious man on the floor, and then back to Banner. She thought for a minute, and then shrugged. "Eh, he deserved it," she said, popped her music back in, and went back to work as Banner called Pepper. Again. At least this one hadn't ended in a lawsuit...

[overeducatedandoverworked]

Accidentally On Purpose: The iPod Thief

Tasing people didn't start out as a habit, honest. After she'd tased Thor the first time, she swore off using her taser in situations that didn't call for it. Of course, what she hadn't realized is that, when nervous, she had one heck of a trigger finger.

The first to fall was Clint, not that she knew who he was at the time. She hadn't realized that Agent Thief had left a few guys behind after he'd stolen Jane's life's work. All she had wanted was to go down to the local diner and have a nice dinner of bacon and waffles (what? She was a grown woman, she could have breakfast for dinner if she really wanted to) but nope! Of course there was a creepy guy following her, because this day just wasn't bad enough.

She tried to ignore him, and walked into the diner and sat down at the counter. She was vaguely aware of him sitting at a table in the corner, but tried to block him out as she gave her order to the rather maternal waitress. She glanced behind Darcy, and quietly asked, "Honey, do you know that guy? Because he's staring at you something fierce." Darcy quickly turned around, and saw him looking at her intensely, before dropping his gaze into his lap. She shuddered. She'd been stared at before, by worse men (one does not become a DD-cup in middle school without being the target of a few lust-drunk stares), but this guy really took the cake. He didn't seem to be staring at her chest, which is a welcome relief, but the intensity of his gaze was starting to make her squirm. And then her eyes dropped to the small device in his hands. There was no way.

"Is that my iPod?" she nearly screeched, moving across the diner to confront him. He looked down at it, lifted his chin to look at her again, and gave her a small smirk. Of all the unnerving jerks in the world, it has to be this one that stole her iPod. She was not going to deal with this, not today. She wanted some alone time, and alone time meant tunes. She marched straight up to the guy, and snatched the device from his hands. He gave her a look that was halfway between amusement and confusion, but she just turned and walked back towards the counter. She noticed him getting up from his seat, and dug into her purse.

The moment his hand locked around her wrist, she attacked with all the anger she could muster. She slipped out of his hold like she'd learned in freshman-year self defense class, turned, and stuck her taser right between his ribs. He gave her a look of complete confusion for a moment, before falling to the ground in a convulsing heap. "Isabel!" she shouted at the waitress, "I think I'm going to have to wait on my order! Also, maybe call the police!" She heard a faint 'WHAT?' come from the back, but she ignored it as she noticed a small flip phone fall out of the guy's belt. Seriously, who used flip phones anymore? Even her grandmother was on a Blackberry, even if it had taken a decade of convincing. She sat down on the floor, resting her legs on the man's now-unconscious body. She'd probably set the taser a little higher than what was really called for, but whatever. You don't just steal a girl's iPod and get away unpunished.

She unlocked the phone (thank you, hacking skills!), and hit the first speed dial button, quietly humming as the phone rang. "Agent Barton?" an authoritative voice asked.

"Sorry!" Darcy chirped. "He's not here right now. I don't know who he or you are, but right now your friend is unconscious on the floor of Isabel's Diner. You really should teach him some manners."

She heard a hand cover up the phone, but a few curses made their way through. She couldn't repress a giggle. "So, why is Barton unconscious?" the voice asked in a resigned tone.

"Well, you see, he was being a complete and total creep, following me around, and he stole my iPod!... Wait a sec," she said, realization coming in a flash. "Are either of you those super-freaky agent-wannabes that stole Jane's stuff?! I swear—"

"Miss Lewis," he interrupted, "Please leave Agent Barton where he is. You may keep your iPod, but only if you return to Doctor Foster immediately, and not mention this incident to anyone else. Understood?"

She chewed on her lip, humming as she thought. She could practically hear him cringing on the other side of the phone. It's not like she had much of a choice in the matter, but she wasn't about to let him know that. "Hmm... Fine. But, if you don't return Jane's research soon, she's going to go bat-crap-crazy, and no one wants to see that. So step it up, dude!" And with that, she hung up. She stood up, picked up, and dusted off her jeans. She took one more look at the man on the floor, still looking for all the world like he had decided to nap there, and shrugged. Not her problem. His friend would be back for him later, either way. She opened the door, shouted, "Later!" behind her, and walked out the door, leaving nothing but the jingling of the bell at the top in her wake.

Phil Coulson stared at his phone for a moment, stunned at being hung up on, and hit the 'end call' button. He sighed deeply, and laid his head on his desk for a moment. After dealing with Mr. Stark, he really should have learned not to negotiate with terrorists.