paradoxical-plutonian

[paradoxical-plutonian]

journal entry, 2016

[paradoxical-plutonian]

[paradoxical-plutonian]

April 30, 2024

[paradoxical-plutonian]

June 25, 2023; Journal Entries

[paradoxical-plutonian]

It would be wrong to say I am grieving. Grieving feels like such an active process, a constant yearning. Instead, I feel passive acceptance in a world washed of color.

-02/04/2024

[paradoxical-plutonian]

“I wanted to write a story of heroism and fantasy and fiction and everything in-between but all I could breathe was my bare soul. My heart cannot form itself into neatly packaged stories to be bought and sold; there is no perfect plot or sought-after syntax. I keep on writing what my mind affords me.”

— May, 2017 

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"How many people are there inside of me, screaming at the top of their lungs for their voices to be heard? I wrap my arms around this frail body and can’t help but shake as these long-lost echoes of torment overflow, threatening my capacity to hold on."

-January 8, 2024

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"Fate", July 5, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"Weeping Willow", July 4, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

But these endless mirrors, oh they haunt me

-July 14, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

I don't know when I became a stranger to life itself...

June 23, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"What force within me is only able to draw from tension, pain, loss, hardship, regret, and blissfully bittersweet emotions? I do not find inspiration in love, but in the complicated mess of it."

June 21, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"Like a child in a temper tantrum, I wanted to threaten God with my own self-harm. I wanted to say, “I’ll do it if you don’t stop this pain! I will!” Deep down, I was a powerless child using any bargaining chip I had available to me. It was illogical but I didn’t care. I knew that God did not intend to bargain with me, that the only person facing the consequences of my actions would be myself."

June 22, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"Hope is like a viper sinking her venomous fangs into my flesh. The temporary shock feels good, the endorphins trick me into believing all is well. But when the poison reaches my blood, there’s no other option but to collapse."

June 9, 2023

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"I feel like I’m floating down a river leading to a destination I’ve yet to be made aware of. I faintly remember hands reaching out to pull me from the current but they’re a distant memory now. I grow increasingly distant and disconnected from the life I once fully believed in. When I cry, I can no longer distinguish my tears from the watery current carrying me away. The river could swallow me whole and I wouldn’t know where I ended or began."

April 23, 2022

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"The pain of social rejection shreds me mercilessly from the inside out. And by the time I’m left to face the windy world alone, it blows all my last bits and pieces away so that I am nothing but dust, barely visible to the groups around me."

November 17, 2019