partsofanelephant - Tumblr blog

[partsofanelephant]

Pure Love

I looked into his eyes

and he looked up at me

And I could see

An expression of pure love

This little ray of sunshine

This fluffy monster

This ragtag fighter

This gorgeous boy

Our feelings are the same

His and mine

Intertwined

A feeling of pure love

My heart glows with love

It has sunken deeply

His eyes close sleepily

I love him so much

[partsofanelephant]

A Feeling

The moment I've been waiting for

Just after all the things have been done

Just before a nice, long rest

The opportunity for fun

Relaxation and exhilaration

Music and art, games and crafts

Time to flex your emotions

The opportunity for laughs

Something is holding you back however

It's the pause before you touch

Your toe to the pool surface

That anticipation and such

But it's also trepidation

What if I'm forgetting a task

What if I choose the wrong thing

I must do anything but relax

As if it were a duty, I carry on

Knitting and cleaning

Showering and painting

Writing and preening

Then like a switch, the sun goes away

The day ends as time has passed

Did I do all the things?

Am I finally relaxed?

One night of loneliness

How bad can it be?

Doing what I want

At the whims of me

I work through the feelings

They flare up like a storm

I slowly stand back up

This is my norm

[partsofanelephant]

Pandemic Anxiety

Restless, disengaged, lonely

Sitting in the dark

Hours early to bed

Wanting a break

A chance to shut my eyes

And not contemplate

Another to-do list

Or countdown

Or budget or list of goals

Lists of responsibilities

Fill my phone

And my head

I want to breathe the summer air

Feel the fur of my cat

Enjoy the cushion of my mattress

Relax

Weeks have gone by

And my word well has been dry

Nothing to say or write

Nothing to express

I'm holding on for something

And I'm doing a good job

But something's gonna break

I can feel it

The world is on pause

Holding its breath

And I'm reveling in the

Stillness

I want to get out and eat

Be outside

Be with friends

Be with my girlfriend

But I also cherish my life

Working from home

With my cats

A better balance

No more commuting

No more dieting

No more pressure

No more rage

I'm scared of it ending

Even though I know it will

I'm anxious

But trying to enjoy it still.

[partsofanelephant]

Still

Still.

Calm. Tranquility.

That still.

Not the kind that proceeds from a sentence

Still I say--

No. Still.

Calm. Tranquility.

An empty night

One where the raindrops beat the leaves

Dot the pavement

Send people inside

Not a word spoken

Constant droplets

Yet nothing said

Still.

Calm. Tranquility.

A rhythm. A mood.

A breeze. Gentle as air

Caressing your cheek

Entering your lungs

Entering your nose

In a sweet scent

Borne from the gods

Still.

[partsofanelephant]

Tempest

Drinking in the sweet breeze am I

Face speckled with droplets of water

Eyes gazing out to see in the lamplight

The branches of a tree with leaves down turned

It pours from open sky and splashes all the earth

Where is that belov'd wren, harmed by men?

Does she hide when thunder crashes?

Is she wet in the branches of some tree?

Is she happy like me?

Perched am I 'bove the drenched land

Filling my lungs with intoxication

Pure as it sweeps from my brow

The long lengths of golden hair

My soul is at my mouth

It has surfaced from within

To greet this happy moment

This tempest of the hour

From out my window flashes light

And a steady light flows green

A lighthouse in a storm

Guiding those outside home

My cat flew off in a fright

From the bed he went, after a sniff

Crack! Went the clouds

Coming down from on high

Exhilaration

The feeling in my being

The hug from inside

As I watch the storm

Oh, night, do you know what you have given me?

Excitement, peace,

Rest, happiness,

And a poem

[partsofanelephant]

Feelings Dump

Somebody tell me what it means

To be so sad that you cannot paint

To feel so off that a fresh dress

And some tea can't make it right

What is this--depression?

Do I sleep all the time with no rest

Only to wake up tired again?

No! I'm sad. It has to be sadness

That's what claws at my heart

Makes my day dreary from coffee to beer

Makes me feel alone and lonely

Waiting for someone to help

Is there hope for me, o Somebody?

Or do I cry out in vain to an empty room

Filled with silence and all my emotions?

Will I become happy--

But of course because it's a cycle!

It's always a cycle of sad and happy

Joy then depression, tired and mania,

I make plans and then I break them

I feel beautiful then I feel like a lump

It's a mood disorder, a brain imbalance,

Incurable, a sign hanging around my neck

"Bipolar: that's why she's like this"

But it's much more than that.

Anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, BPD,

A mildly traumatic childhood

And a dose of perfectionism

It's a recipe that won't bake at 375

The ingredients just don't come together

Wet and dry then wet again

When do you add the eggs?

Never! You close them up forever

And never let them go into the world

To your mother's disappointment

What did you expect? This came from you!

So underneath the sadness was an anger

And underneath the anger is hurt

The hurt comes from wounds

That haven't healed yet.

I'll drink my tea and write this down.

[partsofanelephant]

Spent

I lift my head as though to speak

I lift a brush to paint

I used to knit and knit a lot

But I can't.

But I lift a pen as though to write

And fill a journal's once-blank pages

Write a letter to a friend.

Craft a poem.

The other things I cannot do

Although I try, I cannot start.

I plan a walk outdoors

But I can't. I don't know why but I can't.

The words I write come freely to me

And beg to be written

As if they are writing themselves

So I can write.

I'll write about what I hope to do

Wish to do, want to do,

And maybe if I try hard enough,

I can do them.

[partsofanelephant]

Picnic for Two

Picnic for two

Broken in two

Lasted for just a half hour

Invaded by bees

A bug from the trees

Or perhaps from a nearby flower

She left for a bit

To go have a fit

And left me with all of this food

The picnic for two

Is making me blue

A not so great resulting mood

So here I wait

With an empty plate

A bowl of fruit by my side

A just opened wine

Then my phone chimes

A message from her inside

I collected the spread

And went on instead

To bring the picnic inside

[partsofanelephant]

Mania

Giddy, with a dash of unease

Electricity

Flowing through me

Happy?

[partsofanelephant]

Rain/petrichor

Key in hand and shoes on feet,

I stepped outside to check the post

And on the concrete I did meet

The dearest friend I love the most

The steps were splotched with tan and brown

But first of all, the smell!

Sweet grassy scents from watered ground

--A feeling that all was well

I had not noticed from inside

That rain had fallen from the sky

Too brief to color all the outside

--Enough to make me sigh

The scent of rain freshly poured

Stands high in my list of things,

Things I treasure in all the world

For all the feelings it brings

[partsofanelephant]

Words

Typical me.

Instead of writing a poem

I wrote a to-do list.

See my brain is reeling

With words, ideas, stresses.

Paper is always the answer.

"I get it down on paper

It's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to."

Sometimes the best words

Have already been said

By someone else.

Sometimes the words

Are still inside

And will eventually come out.

When it's time.

When they're ready.

When you're ready.

[partsofanelephant]

Tornado

Sharp, stabbing pains radiate from my side

My knee rocks briskly back and forth,

my foot perched on my other ankle

Sure as streaks form on the window when it rains,

My stomach hurts, both clenched and hungry

This pain! Am I supposed to live with it?

I'm told to breathe as if air is calming.

Have you ever seen a tornado?

Have you ever seen a hurricane?

Have you ever gasped for breath underwater?

I'm pretty sure my veins are flowing with lemon tea

I drink to calm the turmoil. It doesn't work.

I write to clear my mind yet words flow

They've flowed since I was 10

Writing in my first journal

Maybe if I figure out why, I can ground myself

I can breathe easier and stop feeling dizzy.

I can sit calmly, basking in sunlight,

Feeling the air flow through me and around me.

But there is no reason. It simply is.

[partsofanelephant]

Bunny

Tree roots do not grow from my feet

Down into the earth and its many layers

Some other thing holds me to my seat

And it purrs

Wrapped in a blanket, velvety blue

I came down to sit and write a bit

Down came a cat in a golden hue

With fluffy mits

I'm told to breathe, in and out,

Deeply and mindfully, too

Be it not for him, I have little doubt,

That I wouldn't hold true

Cast a radiant light and look up to the sky

Lay in the pond on a clear summer's day

Let the water lilies float on by

Beside me he lays

A fluffy little anchor for my troubled heart

Peaceful as he lies, eyes closed

He is a pure work of art

With paws posed

[partsofanelephant]

The Artist

While sitting, thinking

Waiting, worrying

A pit inside me grows

Running, fleeing

Rather poorly

The storm within me shows

Hunting, winning

Weakly I fall

Trapped inside its throes

Consumed entirely

Panicked entirely

Entirely, head to toes

Then I breathe.

And my thoughts breathe too.

The pressure loosens.

It breathes new.

I get it out on paper

And it releases its bond.

It brings back a feeling

Of which I am fond.

I created a space

For both to live.

I remember my humanity

And artistry give.

I hated it and needed it,

This struggle, this fight.

This anxiety bursting

Through my might.

I need to remember

Just to be.

And keep coming back

To my artistry.

[partsofanelephant]

Self-Isolation

I am sad

Even though drops of rain beat against the window above

And wash the earth

And leave that scent of newness behind

Even though a very loving, patient cat

Has crawled into my lap for protection

And crosses her paws

Her fur silky and smooth

Even though my lemon tea sits brewed

And sweetened

In a favorite mug

beside my bed

Even though a peaceful book with many answers

Waits beside me

Turned to its page

Waiting for me to come back

I am sad

I am isolated

I crave change

And routine

I want so much

And am so lucky

This conflict resides

In me

For now

#quarantine #covid #poetry #depression

[partsofanelephant]

[partsofanelephant]

River?

The river turned over in its bed, shaking drops of water from its twisting frame. It's so restless in the late morning. Then, as if eager for the night, it hastens through the day, crashing into rocks and railing against its confines. There are two things in life that mesmerize man: running water and burning fire -- always the same, yet always changing. They are worth observing, the wise tell us. Some nights, you get drunk and gaze into the bonfire, the warm arms of summer wrapping around your shoulders. You resolve on your peace and feel more together as a person. Wisps of smoke rise above your head and disappear into colder air. Many of us, lost in the mist, afraid to gaze at the river.