pinkjess815 - Tumblr blog

[pinkjess815]

getting old. send help

Hey all. Lately I have been in an existential crisis of sorts. I am turning 30 next year and to be honest, I am not looking forward to it. I feel like my best days are behind me. I think about all the things I miss and wish were still here. My mom, my old cats, my childhood house, my bike rides, my close relationship with God, living with my dad and brother--people places and things that made me feel safe and made up my identity. Living on my own has been hard because I often feel extremely lonely. I feel like all I do is work and pay bills now. And time just goes by so effortlessly fast. I worry for my future. I know the only person who can change things is me.

I am still lost after my first love ghosted me. The past four years I believed I would marry him and have a family together. I looked forward to it so much and spent so much time and effort into the relationship. To have it all end so abruptly has been nothing short of traumatizing. In a way I feel like I lost a huge chunk of myself because I spent so much time building it up. To step back and realize it was a sandcastle hurts, and it makes me realize what a fool I have been.

I have to re-invent myself now, and I just don't know what that will look like. I miss the person I used to be before I met my ex. I would like to get that person back. I know that isn't possible, but I believe the core of who I am never changes, just new things get added on. Perhaps if I do the healthy things that made me feel happy back then I will find the missing pieces to put myself back together?

[pinkjess815]

12-11-2022

Something that has been weighing on my heart is the fact that someday i am going to die.

i am 29 years old. and i feel so far behind my peers in terms of life fulfilment and reaching milestones. i still live in a studio apartment (that i didn't get until i was 25), i still dont know how to drive, and i don't have a partner or children. oh, and i still make miminum wage.

i am afraid i am going to come to the end of my life and feel panic and horror as i realize i didn't make the most of what i had. some things obviously can't be fixed like my chronic illnesses or social anxiety, i will probably deal with those for the rest of my life. but what about the other stuff? am i truly living, or just paying bills and surviving?

gosh. i feel like i have been surviving for years. when did the magic in me die? how did i become so jaded? where did i lose faith?

when i moved out on my own, i realized how hard it is to face the world alone. its not fun working 98% of the time just to keep a roof over your head. i work full time and can't even afford to buy my own groceries. i am on food stamps. i have almost been evicted once because i was short on money and i have gone through so many eviction warning letters it is not even funny.

people will tell you, go to school and learn a trade and then you won't struggle. so i took out a student loan and signed up for computer programming classes at my local community college. just my luck, the main courses always fill up and i can't register for it.

working full time and being in school full time is a hapless joke not for the unprepared. i don't know who the people are that manage to pull it off, but my hat goes off to them a thousand times over.

i lost who i believed to be my soul mate this year. we talked for four years and he just upped and decided he didn't want me anymore. for the past six months i have sent him so many pathetic texts and emails begging for him to come back into my life. i thought i was going to share the rest of my life with this guy. and now he is gone.

and then i realize how far i have fallen from my faith. i used to be so close to God. I always had faith things were gonna work out. bit by bit it feels like the world and the depression inside of me eroded every ounce of hope i had left that God exists and cares for a dirtbag like me.

i don't know what to do. i feel lost. i am so incredibly lost. and time ticks on, wasting no second waiting for me to get my act together.

[pinkjess815]

One last goodbye to my first love.

This is going to be the last email I am going to send you.

My final attempt to connect with you. I am sure you are singing hallelujah praises.

After a good cry and prayer and reflection after the last couple of days, I have accepted the fact that you do not love me.

I have come to grips with the fact that if you wanted to be friends, talk, or try things again, you already would have. In spite of my endless pleading and pathetic begging. I do not want to carry on into 2023 with this pain.

I blocked your number and removed myself from Reddit. I am going to block your email after I send this. Keeping the window of hope open thinking you will come back is only poisoning my soul. It is killing me.

The only way out is to let you go, for good.

See, the reason why I keep reaching out to you is because my naive heart believes that we will always be friends and find our way back to each other. Maybe you will text me again and it will be just like old times when we shared our day and sent silly pictures to each other.

I haven't been able to face the music and accept the idea that maybe you do not want me in your life. Because for four years, I looked to you as my best friend. I refused to believe we were over. The thought hurt way too much. It still does, but your silence gives me strength to follow your lead and end things on my end. I suppose the last lesson you have taught me is how to say goodbye.

I could be angry at you and say I hate you and forever hold a grudge against you for toying with my emotions and leading me on and letting me think there was hope for a future with you when you had already lost interest once you realized I wasn't going to heal you.

But instead, I choose to wish you peace. I want you to be okay. I hope you find friends, a good job that you don't hate, better ties with your family, and love.

I am going to leave you with this. I'm gonna miss you like hell. You made me feel alive. You made me feel human. Thank you.

I hope one day you can overcome yourself. 

I hope you see the strength you gained once your struggles are past you. 

I hope the sun hits your face and reminds you that you are loved.

I hope God fills your heart with so much peace it quiets the anxiety that rages inside.

I hope you learn to stop worrying about what others think of you. 

I hope you learn to see how special you are.

I hope God sends you someone wonderful who accepts you the way you are.

I hope you heal.

Thank you for showing me that guys I dream of do exist. You were one of them.

Were we supposed to know each other? Maybe in another universe. Time and space prevented us. But it is okay. It is okay.

I'm going to move on. I accept that we are no more and I set this free.

I will always love you, Maffew.

Snugglebug Jess

[pinkjess815]

cringe is over my friends

[pinkjess815]

i like to move it move it

[pinkjess815]

[pinkjess815]

Yes.

[pinkjess815]

Yas queen

Y2k on the beat

[pinkjess815]

All I wanted was for you to love me.

💔

[pinkjess815]

It's not for dress-up

[pinkjess815]

Adorbs Santa tree decor at Walmart

[pinkjess815]

Cried at work today

[pinkjess815]

Yes babes

[pinkjess815]

Fall is here babes

[pinkjess815]

What Captain's Logs be looking like now

[pinkjess815]

Remember, you will never have these days again.

[pinkjess815]

I don't feel like myself anymore.

I feel as if I have lost myself.

I left behind the essence of who I am.

I feel like I just survive. I don't enjoy life anymore.

I used to be so in tune with myself, nature and bike rides and the stars, and God.

Now I can barely muster the strength to smile.

There was someone who I loved very much. I thought he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I cherished him and held onto him. He made me feel safe. I finally found my soul-friend.

Now he's fading away from view. He's become just like everyone else.

My heart feels like it has a hole that will never heal.

Will I ever heal?