poib-blog

[poib-blog]

it’s complicated.

until december 2016, i had been single all of my life. for 16 years i was single, not even a playground relationship in primary school. so you can imagine that when i got into my first relationship it was like going in blindfolded with no help. i didn’t know what to do. anyway, a month later i had to end the relationship because we had fights every week and it just wasn’t helping anybody. around 23 or so days later we started talking again, by talking i mean like “hey i miss you we should get together”, and to this day we still are. but. this year has completely turned the tables on me. i went to a party last night, and i was hoping to get together with someone in particular. i got super super drunk and well i don’t remember anything that happened, what people have told me is i got with 6 girls, danced a lot, fell a lot, and all in all was not how i usually am. i didn’t know who i got with which was scary because i didn’t even know if it was the person i wanted to. i later found out i did not get with the person i wanted to, but was in the bathroom with another girl for a good 30 minutes. now, if i tell the ex who i’m speaking to, it’s over. if i tell the girls i got with that i’m actually speaking to someone, i get slapped, if i tell the girl i like that i was upset that we didn't get together and they got with someone else, i get a massive heart ache. the issue is, i like them all. but just one more than most. i see this person most days as well, we get the same bus to college, we work together on projects and i don’t know what to do.

if you’re reading this then i want you to put yourself in my shoes. try, never being in a relationship to suddenly having like 7/8 girls that you like but not as much as the girl you like. btw, i should mention that the girl i really like i’m pretty sure only likes me as a friend which fucks more things up.

if you’re reading this and i’m mentioning you. i’m sorry. i don’t know what to do.

[poib-blog]

snapchat

add me on snapchat for... well nothing interesting really

xxsamtuckerxx

I know, I know. I made it in year 8. sue me

[poib-blog]

growing up.

So I was born April 21st 2000, which currently makes me 16 years old (if you really couldn’t do the maths). Now, growing up is difficult for most people, even more so for me. Now just to clarify this blog isn’t a blog so I can get sympathy, i don’t need it nor do I want it. So I was born with a heart condition called ‘Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome’ or ‘HLHS’ for short. Sounds complicated? It’s not. I was born without the left side of my heart which you can already imagine is a bit... dangerous. I had my first open heart surgery at 4 days old, the second at 4 months, the third at 4 years and the fourth one when I was 15 (I will go into more detail on that one, was a rare case). So imagine being 15, about to start your GCSE’s in a few months, but you’re in a hospital bed waiting to go under the knife. So long story short I came out of my school life with 0 GCSE’s and a dying need to study media. I got to my enrolment knowing full well there was a 1 in a million chance that I would get to go into a level 3 BTEC course with no GCSE’s. But when I came out, I realised the 1 was all I needed. I got into the course I wanted by chatting shit like I always do.

Anyway, today my older brother came home telling me that he got accepted into the university that he wanted to go to, as his brother, I’m proud of him, but it’s bought out a bunch of new questions I need to consider. Now I’ve been saying for ages that I AM NOT going university because of a 3 year restriction I have (draw two and two together). But I think I’ve got longer, so I think that I want to take that risk. I've always wanted to grow up and be independent, but now, I’m not too sure. I still want to move out (more than you can believe) but I’m not sure if I’m scared or excited for the future. See, I’m hurtling towards the future head first but I think overtime I’ve lost myself. I have spells of depression which fucks me over for weeks at a time and now is one of them. I broke up with my girlfriend, I loved her... scrap that, I still love her. I have 2 jobs, I’m in full time education, I live in a house of 7, I’m meant to be doing assignments, I’m meant to maintain friendships. It’s overwhelming.

I will continue this later, my mind is all over the place right now.

[poib-blog]

New Blog!

So I’ve started this new blog as a kind of shit post for my mind. Haven’t been too well recently... hell, I haven’t ever been “well”. This blog is me as a 16 year old student at college, facing shitty issues and then blogging about them.