poly-at-40

[poly-at-40]

I don’t want you to be mine. I want you to be yours. And I’ll be there too.

twoperfectcircles (via wnq-writers)

[poly-at-40]

I am sorry for the way I loved you when I did not love myself.

Sue Zhao (via blossomfully)

[poly-at-40]

If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up, it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.

Osho  (via thequotejournals)

[poly-at-40]

I can add nothing to this that is not superfluous or repetitious. Yet I had to at least say that. Haha

I just read a post about how to deal with jealousy in polyamorous relationships and it contained a piece of advice I hear a lot, that many people seem to be comfortable with, but which I don’t like for reasons. It’s the “pick a thing that is only between you and your partner, like a nickname or specific sex act!” suggestion.

You can do something like that, but I personally don’t like how it imposes limits on behavior with present and future partners. I don’t want to respond to someone calling me by an endearment by saying “oh, only so and so can call me that,” or planning to put a set of sexual behaviors off limits to one partner. If I felt very strongly I only ever wanted so and so to call me a specific name, or to do a kind of sex with such and such, that’d be fine, but that does not work for me at all, it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

This probably isn’t surprising in tandem with the non-hierarchy thing, but for myself, I feel that what makes my relationships unique and the people I have them with irreplaceable is the connection I have with those people. No one can call you by a nickname the same way. No one says I love you the same way. No sexual act is the same between myself and one partner as it is between myself and another. Those experiences and memories can’t be duplicated. Thinking about this, I tried for a minute to recall times when I’ve done x thing with one partner compared to x thing with another partner and it was hard to consider parallel experiences, not because we don’t do a lot of the same types of things, but because those experiences are so different already in my head. The people are all so different.

So what about that feeling a little lost in the relationship, then, jealousy, if that’s how it seems? Sometimes you want an affirmation of that singular connection with someone, but you don’t want to say you’ll only drink coffee with them or only skydive with so and so. My only answer there is time and energy. Do *some* stuff with the person. Build some more of those intimate, deliberately connected structures. This is mostly advice to myself, to carry on as I’ve begun, and figure out what works for me in these spaces.

[poly-at-40]

Love doesn’t hurt. Expectations do.

life (via frequents)

[poly-at-40]

1000 followers!

Big shout out to @providence26, the thousandth tumblrer to follow and stick around! …and for not being a porn bot!

Also thank you to everybody who’s still here, still reading, still engaging. Good times!

[poly-at-40]

if you follow me on tumblr and like my posts a lot i probably have fondly memorized your username and consider you a pal

[poly-at-40]

Chris Pine refuses to answer the question “Would you swipe left or right for Anna Kendrick on Tinder?” and instead gives this response

[poly-at-40]

Important words of wisdom, by Shel Silverstein. 

[poly-at-40]

850

Just love going through the new follows and blocking porn sites that try to look like people. Thank you to all the humans, extraterrestrial surveillance personnel, and other-dimensional visitors who read, share, and otherwise enjoy poly-at-40 ❤️❤️❤️

[poly-at-40]

804 followers! Slept through the milestone again!

Funny story. Checked in and saw there were 797 followers on this blog, so I was all "I'm gonna keep and eye on this, and post when it hits 800." And then I went to sleep. And then I woke up with 804 followers. Not gonna lie, feel a bit like I slept on the job. Anyway, thank you all for following. Thank you for reading, reblogging, feedback, and occasionally challenging. Assuming this gets to 1000, I'll be on top of that.

[poly-at-40]

One more time: "If 'knowing your worth' hinges on whether or not she thinks you’re more fuckable than some other dude, you probably don’t know your worth, and definitely don’t know hers."

In other news, "Friend-zone" is still complete bullshit.

Saw this today. Don’t remember the exact wording, but the gist was this:

‘Don’t let her use you for deep and satisfying conversation while she’s fucking some guy who barely texts her. Know your worth.’

The following commentary is what I’d call cis-heteronormative, and even a bit lazy. I’m just frustrated and have to get this out.

If the conversation is satisfying, why are you worried about who she’s fucking? Are you a reductive asshole who thinks conversation is just the key to her pants? Is that the ultimate endgame for every relationship with a woman who isn’t your mother or sister? Are you also similarly usurious of your relationships with men, using friendship as means to selfish end?

Once again for the guys up in the nosebleed seats who maybe still haven’t heard:

“Friend-zone” is bullshit. If “knowing your worth” hinges on whether or not she thinks you’re more fuckable than some other dude, you probably don’t know your worth, and definitely don’t know hers.

In case it got past you, you are allowed to have deep, satisfying conversations with friends while dating other people. She can do that. So can you.

And for anybody on the other side of this (i.e. facing direct criticism from somebody you thought was a friend but who’s mad that they’ve been so nice to you and you give it up to some asshole because that’s your goddamn decision to make):

You probably already know this, but there’s nothing wrong with you or your decision. The problem lies *entirely* with your “friend’s” insecurity and extremely limiting priorities. That person is not ready to be your friend.

It’s entirely up to you to decide whether you have the patience to wait for them to get their shit aligned and catch up with you.

Apologies for the cis-hetero-mono-normativity.

Rant complete. You know, for the moment.

[poly-at-40]

reblog if you support non-monogamous parents

[poly-at-40]

Surprisingly, I've Found My Way to the Base of a "V"

Ok so it’s been a while since I’ve written here. Been chewing on this one for a while.

…

Charlie and I have been together since January. You know about that, and it’s really good. Don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship where communication is this easy, and the trust between us is the kind people look for their whole lives.

A couple months ago I was in Toronto for the Prophets of Rage show (which was awesome of course).

This was also a great excuse to visit Cleo. Crashed on her couch for a few days. We’d never lost touch, but something had changed in our conversations since Christmas. Even before heading down to Toronto, I’d anticipated a new change coming in the nature of our association. Still didn’t expect what was coming though.

After the show, Cleo and I walked probably halfway back to her place, yakking and joking and catching up. Took the TTC the rest of the way. That turned into kissing on the couch, which turned into us taking each other’s clothes off and her asking me “Are we okay with this?”

Yeah. We’re okay with this. Very okay.

A few days later Charlie and I were in my bed back in Ottawa. She asked me how the trip was, and I told her all about it (broad strokes, of course). Inside I may have been freaking out a bit, but kept a calm exterior and stated facts more or less plainly and gently.

The interesting part is what Charlie said next. She was excited and happy. She said that the *way* I told her was as important as the *fact* that I told her. If I’d made a big deal about it, it would have felt like a big deal.

I mean… It is a big deal, but not in any kind of bad way.

Here’s the thing: Charlie has had this conversation before, on both sides. When a then-boyfriend told her about a sexual encounter, he'd told her in a way that felt like he had done something bad, and that can stir up all kinds of internal drama and put up walls. Or when she'd told a “friend with benefits” about a one-nighter she’d had while travelling, his response had been to slut-shame her rather than open up and tell her he felt hurt because he’d had a different understanding of what the relationship was.

There’s none of that here. Like I said, we’re lucky enough somehow to be able to just say these things, each trusting that the other will assume best intentions. If it hurts, we say so. If it affirms or strengthens, we say that too.

I think the fact that we were cuddling at the time helped too. That’s a moment of mutual vulnerability, where I think you’re already both open to some kind of consolation.

Talked to Cleo a little later. We hadn’t discussed what had happened or what it meant, and I said so. She said “I think it means we’ll always love each other, and we have many ways to express that.”

Kind of summed up the whole thing right there. It’s a lot to unpack; might have another post coming soon ;)

…

Related: When Prophets Of Rage come to your town, do yourself a favour and go see them.

[poly-at-40]

Polyamory doesn’t start with a instruction manual. It’s instructed by the way the relationship is between you and your other significant others.

(via ourawesomepolyblog)

[poly-at-40]

500 followers

Reached and breached. Thank you for joining me here. How shall we celebrate? (Not a rhetorical question. Hit me either through DM or the Ask button :)

[poly-at-40]

A few days ago I got my first message asking for advice on polyamory. Milestone! Ok, but for real though.. I was immediately all like "YIKES" and shit, but pulled myself together. I wrote back and said (paraphrasing): "I'm actually pretty ignorant on the subject too, but here's an article I read at the start of my poly journey-type-thing. I'm pretty sure it set me on the right track. Thanks for reaching out!" So here it is, in case it helps anyone else too.