ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (9)

Trigger warning: brief description of one traumatic event (!), depression, grief, su!c!dal tendencies, does this count as religious trauma?

{Dear B,

I’m not doing well. I feel so broken. I hate this so much.

Did you know? After your death, I’m not sure exactly when, but upon my parents’ nagging I went to an „esoteric healer” for help. She said I have sad eyes no child should have. I felt seen, so I trusted her. But then I talked about you and she said you were there, seeing me in pain, not knowing how to help – she told me you tried to take me with you. So I prayed every night that you do. And when nothing happened I grew desperate. I thought that since I’m still alive it means you have abandoned me, that you no longer care.

I feel bad for talking about the shittiest memories I have, but to be fair B, I can’t tell you any good ones. There simply weren’t any good ones. I can’t talk about myself if you want happy memories. Should I stick to my interest (which are also tainted with at least a thin coat of grayness…) and tell you about those?

It’s kinda funny, isn’t it? Telling you this makes me want to die a bit less, while -if you can read this- it probably makes you feel near the opposite.

I wish this could all end. My incompetence and failings. My pain and guilt. Expectations. But wishes don’t come true and prayers don’t get heard. I wished and prayed for death for over a decade yet it evaded me.

Love,

Someone broken}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (8)

Trigger warning: bit depressive

{Dear B,

After all these letters, you probably know. I’m quite a handful, aren’t I? See, that’s why I’m alone. I tend to be a „bit” much. Don’t wanna force people to shoulder my crazy so I keep ’em away. For their sake. But also mine. I find people you love can do a lot of damage to your heart and mind. So it seems beneficial for everyone that I stay a hermit. I have my movies, series, books, fanfics to keep me company. My lovely little unhealthy obsessions. I would say they keep me sane, but we all know I’m past that. I have my moments, though not now for sure.

You see I have a lot of pieces of media close to my heart, albeit I guess not much that you wouldn’t find revolting. BBC Sherlock though is one of them. Some find it bizarre but I think only mildly. It aired in 2010 so there is a chance you have heard about it or even seen it while you were alive. Did you know that there is a lot of hints at Sherlock and Watson being gay for each other in the original? Our dub doesn’t do it justice. I like their pair, it’s painful but has the potential to be wholesome and lovely. I tend to love that.

Maybe I shall tell you about my celebrity crushes next time? Or more about my little fixations like Sherlock? To keep it light-hearted. I’ll see where the mood takes me then.

Yours,

V

PS - You know… I stopped crying. I sobbed so hard, so much when I started writing these I thought it’ll never cease. Then it did. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong? Am I burying my feelings again? Is it a problem I’m not crying? Am I doing grief right?}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (7)

{Dear B,

I’m back again. To be honest I desperately want you to know me whole and accept me anyways. You would be the first. Well, if my therapist doesn’t count. (By the way, she says she likes you.)

My therapist says you would, that you’d love me anyways. But she doesn’t know me 100%, so how can she know? Mind you, she is the closest to that, but still. I’m starting to think that we as humans go around our whole lives without ever having someone who knows us completely. Simply because we are just way too layered and complex. I find this quite sad. People living their lives without ever being known fully, most of the time not even by themselves. Doesn’t it sound lonely to you? Perhaps I’m just too deprived of love and connection.

Yours,

V}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (6)

{Dear B,

I’m sorry. I really am.

Love,

V}

[ponderingthenightaway]

Can someone love you if they don't know you? It seems to be big debate. But I don't think that's the right question.

The right question is if they can make you feel loved without making you feel known? And do you really want to feel loved by them if you can't trust them with yourself.

[ponderingthenightaway]

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (5)

Trigger warning: depression, grief, su!c!dal thoughts, depresonalisation(?)

{Dear B,

I thought I’d try to write to you as a healthy coping method, since I’m not doing too well right now. I’m quite detached from reality, so it might end up in a disaster, that makes me hate myself. Not like that’s hard. Everything seems to make me hate myself, thus there really isn’t much for me to lose here… I mean, apart from your good graces, were you here as a ghost. But then again, it’s also something I’m fairly sure I lost like, what? 8 years ago?

Well, I’ll get straight to the point then. I woke up feeling shitty today. I was irritated, that made me have bad thoughts about people and stuff and also made me be a bit bitchy, which in turn made me feel guilty, but I just couldn’t stop. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Whatever I do it just feels wrong, not too intensly but enough to drive me up the wall with the never ending mild discomfort and dissatisfaction. It seems like that today it doesn’t matter how I act, if I’m bitchy or silent or smiling and petting my dog – it just feels wrong. I don’t feel like I fit in my skin either, it feels weird to have a body and I’m weirdly concious about it… Oh… that might be depersonalisation…

I’m just so tired of life. I could go on and on about why but that wouldn’t make me feel better and… I’ve been trying to avoid talking about my feelings in relation to death, even though I let them show, I didn’t really explain anything before. It feels wrong saying this to someone who wanted to live yet couldn’t, but I’m fairly su!c!dal. Mostly passively, but still. I just really don’t see the point in life.

You’re angry, aren’t you? Well, I won’t say sorry because I don’t feel shit right now, and it wouldn’t be sincere, but perhaps next time, if you’re still willing to read my letters that is.

I will anger you no more.

Yours sincerely,

A living ghost}

All rigths reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (4)

Trigger warning: depression, grief, swearing

{Dear B,

I’ve been trying to get more information on you from a couple of people, since my memories are buried and most probably lacking because I was a child. So first I tried to ask my childhood neighbour, I remember you were together at some point and he seemed a good candidate, a safe choice. Although I admit, I have no idea how long you’ve been together or were there any problems when you broke up – so I guess it was a bit risky on my part. He, unfortunatelly, was quite tight-lipped, told me „it was long ago”. This made me so incredibly sad… I cried and I couldn’t shake off the thought that you are slipping away from this world completely as we forget you – it was quite unbearable.

I also talked to your father. He was really polite and kind, told me he’d answer any question I have, but he ended up being tight-lipped too. What’s with people not telling me stories about you, anyways? I understand they are precious things they would like keep colse to their hearts, but I want to get to know you again and they are kinda making that hard. I asked him what did you like: films and music. I keep a list now of all the details I know about you.

And if we are already talking about music. I’m sorry Dear, I don’t think I’ll ever have your sophisticated taste. I like a lot of genres, but it’s more of a „what gives me strong emotions = I like” kind of thing with me and your kind of music just isn’t doing it for me.

It sucks that I can’t go to a concert with you. There are so many things I would have wanted to do with you like going to the zoo, museums, art galleries, circuses, gardens, resturants, even going abroad! Trying out painting, or crocheting and so much more… We could have made our own short films! A photography contest!

I’ll say something you are going to hate, but… I don’t want to do these things with others. I don’t want to love someone like I loved you. I don’t want to love someone as much as I love you. I don’t want a friend or a sibling figure, I don’t want a lover or even a parent figure. I loved you. I love you. And it hurst so fucking much! I don’t want to do this again. I can’t do this again! It almost killed me. Please… It hurts being alone, having no one, but that pain is nowhere near of what it feels like to lose you, to continue living without you. I know you aren’t happy about this, but it may help to know that my therapist is trying to convince me even if I’m currently reluctant to do anything.

That’s all for now. Don’t forget to whisper in my ears what you want to know about in these letters, okay? Just tell me and I’ll treat you words as holy law.

Much love,

V}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

Violence against myself

Trigger warning: dark and violent thoughts directed at myself, mentions of blood and gore, su!c!dal tendencies

Sometimes I want to commit violence against myself.

Sometimes I want to take a butcher knife and cut off all that I hate about me and when I would be left raw and bleeding, only flesh and bone I’d still find that gory state less disgusting that how I’m now.

I find I don’t want to die, not really.

What I want is to cause myself pain, to ruin myself beyond repair. Maybe then I would feel no longer the need to punish myself for existing.

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can’t reach (3)

Trigger warning: bit of grief, bit of depression, but mostly positive

{Dear B,

My last letter was quite heavy, huh? I’m sorry. I should be focusing on more positive stuff and not burden you with my emotional baggage. It’s just kind of hard to bypass, I hope you understand?

I’m afraid I’m not really sure what would you like to hear about. So if you can whisper it in my ear sometime, please do so.

However I’d like to write about something lighter. It’s just… actually doing that makes me feel incredibly weird after… after my last letter.

Perhaps I feel weird for another reason too. I admit, it feels wrong only writing about myself and how I feel, how I’m doing – when I can’t ask you back. I feel like this should be about you and not me, but I can’t really expect an answer now, can I? You’re gone. Nothing would change that. It’ surreal and unfair and I fucking hate it.

…but this letter is getting nowhere. You know what? I’m gonna share a fun fact about me: I’m bisexual. I guess… I could be pan, I’m not too sure, but I’m definitely queer. Now, you see I don’t really know if you were an ally or not, but I’d like to believe that you were. You were always kind and accepting.

Although, I admit there is not much else there is to report on the topic, since I barely have someone I can call a „friend”, let alone a romantic partner. I was am quite a recluse. I know you would want me to promise you, to at least try to change that. I know you would. But I won’t. I like to keep my promises and this… yeah, more likely that I won’t. Not now. I promise though that I will keep it on the back burner of my mind, okay? And when I get a bit better, when I can do my best, I’ll promise you then.

Love,

V}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

What do you want me to say, Mother?

Trigger warning: dysfunctional family dynamics, martyr-complex mentioned, an angry but tired tone, mildly disturbing?

“Do you think I overreacted?”

“Tell me honestly if there is anything I should change about myself…”

“Do you think I’m wrong?"

"It's all my fault!"

What do you want me to say, Mother?

Do you want me to say everything you’ve ever done is all right? Say that what you do, how you feel and how you are – is all right? That nothing is your fault over and over again? Do you want me to validate your existence?

Or do you want me to say you did bad? That you’re wrong? And play right into your martyr-complex? Want me to hurt you, so you can pity yourself? Do you want me to ruin you, Mother?

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

[ponderingthenightaway]

Unsent letters to the people who broke me

Trigger warning: brief mention of depression, it's tone is kinda agressive, dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship

{To Mother

It might be scary to hear, but you knew it deep down already: I know you more than you know yourself. I see your pain. I see your fear. Nothing escapes my eyes. You took part in training them, but I reckon it doesn’t sit quite right with you sometimes. And on the topic as such things that make you uncomfortable...  let me be clear.

You weren’t a good parent. A lot of the time you weren’t even a parent.

Who are you, really? How are you my mother when I’m being forced to be yours?

Now, now. Don’t tear up, don’t get upset. Not yet. Not for the wrong reasons. Not before I finish.

You weren’t a good parent. But I know you gave your all. I see that you did your best.

Must be terrifying to face that your best wasn’t enough, huh? Was for me too.

When I realised that although I did everything to drown my personality, to choke my inner child into submission to be less and therefore be good for you… it wasn’t enough. I do nothing by halves if it comes to begging someone to love me. And so I went overboard. I became what you call „lazy”, when in fact it was a byproduct of depression and dying on the inside.

Don’t take this the wrong way, Mother. I’m nothing if not considerate and just. This, and many other things that ended up breaking me, wasn’t solely your fault. It was a joint effort with father, wasn’t it?(If you don’t mind me joking.) As my parents, both of you took a major part in it both directly or indirectly, but there were also others, right? Like every fucking person in our god forsaken family.

Family of brutes. (Of martyrs. But I’ll get to that later.)

I’m no exception. My anger - feels like a living thing on its own - striking to hurt you, every single one of you from time to time.

You see, I put a leash on it, but it’s quite hard to hold back an animal that has been provoked for too long. And since I can't seem to push this anger, this agression off my shoulder, I shall end this letter here.

A letter of my truth.

A letter you'll never read.

Until next time, Your daughter}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

Letters to a person I can't reach (2)

Trigger warning: death, brief mention of self- harm, depression

{Dear B,

I don’t know if I should be hoping for „life after death” or I should beg for it not to be real. All I know that even if it’s real, we won’t meet when I die.

…because in that case, I’m not going up. Unfortunately or not but self- harm is considered a great sin by the book, so much so that it grants me a little place in hell. And I’m afraid I’m way too deep in that for it to be overlooked.

If I request my ashes be thrown the same place as yours when I die– do you think I could see you before I go down? For just a glimps? A little wave of goodbye?

Love,

Your broken little sister}

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway

[ponderingthenightaway]

They say I don’t respect the dead. And indeed I pay no mind to mindless costums.

I don’t light a candle at your grave every death day. I may not even think of you when that time comes every year.

But don’t I wear all the colours you gifted me with? Don’t I carry all the pieces you left in me? The way I act out songs and collect pretty socks? My dear friend, isn’t that all you?

All rights reserved. 2024 @ponderingthenightaway