post-maester

[post-maester]

My rendition of Raven/621 and their Ayre. Mech Raziel to build from his colors.

(I love Cybergoths and Blame! So that was my inspo here hehe. Just a bit of this and that.)

[post-maester]

I bought my first 2 bras today 😎😎 all by myself!!!! Ive only tried one on so far but I like it so much!!! I'm sure this enjoyment will end at some point. All my femme friends say they haven't worn bras like their entire adult lives. So I'm sure they won't spark joy forever. But for now they do!

[post-maester]

I came out to my brother tonight. It went fucking lovely. He was like "oh cool" and we talked about it for an hour while building the new Dungeons & Dragons Lego minifigs. I told him about my meds, how long I've been transitioning, who knows about it, etc. Lots of stuff. I almost started crying a few times, he was so fuckin sweet. "I'll love you no matter what. You can always come to me with things you need to talk about" stuff like that. It was perfect. I'm so glad I did it.

Next up - Mom and Dad.

Time to have a small cry and then sleep cause it's 4am. Night night friends

[post-maester]

Haven't updated the transition timeline in quite a while. No huge changes or anything really. Nothing that screams at me to write. So let's update some small things I guess.

My tits are way bigger than they used to be! Like it's hard for me to boymode! Significantly harder!

I wore a "bra" for the first time and it felt great. A purple strappy lingerie piece I put on for my husband. First time wearing feminine under-wear that made me feel euphoric. I wore it again to a friend's place just to see how it'd feel and I tell you what that shit was uncomfy and I was happy to take it off despite how euphoric it made me.

I've been keeping my nails painted pretty regularly. I like blue. Pink or feminine colours make me panic and feel dysphoric, reason as of yet unknown.

Similarly, my hand/nail dysphoria has pushed me to continue growing my nails. They're getting long enough that I can probably cut them to shape and start taking care of them nicely. My husband LOVES how well I scritch and scratch every inch of him now. Though he wants me to shorten two in particular...

I'm gonna move in with my husband soon. Very excited!

He took me to a "fill-a-bag" event at a thrift shop today, we got a few new skirts, a purse, a wallet, two dresses, n some other stuff! Very excited.

I've never worn a dress before. For some reason they make me uneasy. Maybe because so many of them are shoulderless. My shoulders are wide and not something I wanna draw attention to. Idk. Whatever.

I havent come out to anybody new yet. Fucking annoying. I really wanted to before Christmas. But. Idk how. I'm struggling really hard to do it. It's such a good time. I need to.

I've found a cute hairstyle I like. It's literally just a ponytail tied at my neck. It let's loose hairs fall and frame my face. I like it when they do that. Makes me look like a disheveled mom if I let it go unkept for too long. But I enjoy looking like a mom.

Next appointment is in February. A ways away. It'll be 6 months on hrt. Fuckin crazy. I hope I get to up my dose. I love being like this. Sometimes makes me a lil crazy but it's okay because I have a human that loves me and understands. Very excited that we are transitioning together. He's the best.

Anyways. Night night friends.

[post-maester]

Happy pride month maybe I’ll start watching Doctor Who again

[post-maester]

I had a really poor depressing moment the other day. I was in such a poor state that for the first time in my life I decided, while sober, that I need to get drunk and high to deal with what I was feeling. My friends passed me while I was on the way to get some drinks at the convenience store. They saw me, for the first time in a really long time, dressed like a boy. And a really gross, depressed, visibly distraught boy.

It was kind of humiliating for me. I put so much effort into my appearance for them, but I didn't have the energy to do it that day and they just happened to see me at the lowest I have been in a very long time. It feels so embarassing. I'm gonna see them tomorrow. I just fuckin know I'm gonna spend at least an hour and a half stressing about my look for the event we're going to. I feel so humiliated.

[post-maester]

leave your laundry on the floor for them

[post-maester]

When I started my transfeminine adventure I was mostly happy with how I dressed, I didn't care. I enjoyed dressing like Adam Sandler every day. Now I stress about outfits for hours before going out, and wearing my old clothes makes me sick to my stomach.

When I started my transfeminine adventure I enjoyed the way my hands looked. I enjoyed that they are scarred and covered in lines like utterly shattered glass. Now I'm exceedingly jealous of online hand models.

When I started my transfeminine adventure I didn't think about my skin, but now I worry about developing a habit of a skincare routine.

When I started my transfeminine adventure I enjoyed going out in public wearing my trans pride pin, but now I'm increasingly aware of the unwelcome stares I get - more than I've ever got in my life.

When I started my transfeminine adventure I wasn't so afraid.

[post-maester]

I've had to boymode a few times in public lately. Fucking hate it. I've felt so safe being myself in my home town for the last few months but now if I wanna go outside in Toronto I need to boymode if want to feel even kind of safe. It makes me feel so gross and angry. Even putting on my tall boots and my trans pin make people look at me weird here. I fucking hate it.

[post-maester]

I've been a nail biter my entire life. Tried to quit for years and years. It's silly.

Watched one video that started me on hand/nail dysphoria.

Haven't bitten my nails ever since then. Nails growing nicely. Never been this long my entire life. The video fuckin killed that habit. Insane.

[post-maester]

I just finished painting my nails for the first time!! No tutorial, no nothing. The nail polish remover make me a little dizzy to be honest completely a bit. They don't look that good. But I'm happy. Maybe I'll decide to remove it all tomorrow before I go out.

[post-maester]

I've been thinking more recently about wishing I had a big sister, or a motherly person to guide me through all this trans girl stuff. Someone I legitimately trust and who cares about my development as a girl, but can also teach me about this stuff and mentor me in it. I don't know. It's not really something I can search for. Just gotta wait until someone finds me.

[post-maester]

Bloody Chalice

Art asset for The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Dawnguard DLC

*Artist Unknown* If anyone knows the artist comment below

[post-maester]

Trans clue memory unlocked:

My whole 7th grade had to learn how to Swing dance. We all had opposite gendered partners to dance with, and kept the same partner as each Gym Class went by. The girls got these sweet coloured poodle print skirts to wear during the dance routines. I was jealous of them. I loved the poodle skirts. I didn't understand why I enjoyed them so much because wearing them was for girls, so they weren't for me. Clearly.

[post-maester]

I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle at the moment. I've been a little kinda sorta completely fucking gutted by the election results. I feel so utterly saddened for 2SLGBTQIA+ people, BIPOC, women, people with disabilities who now have to live beneath that man's shadow.

Among the sadness is an ache.

An ache to do something. An ache to take action of some kind. I have no idea what kind yet, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am brewing. Do I mean to create something? I don't know yet. I'll figure it out. But I mean to do something.

Community.

I've been reading lately. A book called "How To Think Like A Woman," by Regan Penaluna. The book tells the author's personal memoir, as well as the stories of 4 Early-Modern philosophers (who were women). I'm not a particularly smart person, sometimes I needed to read a paragraph or even a passage multiple times to really 'get it,' but some things stuck with me.

These philosophers were steadfast in their beliefs that women were deserving of education, asylum from abusive husbands, that they shouldn't need to hide their sexuality, that they should be allowed to pursue their intellectual desires just as a man could. But in these demands they each were specific. These freedoms were not meant to enable selfishness in women, as they often did in men. They believed that these freedoms, for all people, also came with the duty to better one's community - to give back. That embracing the people, valuing the people, fostering each individual, would further the community.

This point of community is where I've been stuck all day long. We all need community right now. We need shoulders to cry on, we need friends to laugh with, we need wise folk to tell us what the fuck to do now.

I don't know what I'm going to do - or make - but community needs to be a central theme.

Queerness & Transness.

I also feel like I've created nothing inherently queer. I've abandoned writing for some years now, my projects are old. Older than my realizations about identity. Older than my epiphanies about transness. I want to do something fuckin' gay as hell. I want to pour energy into something that may in some small way counterbalance the hate being screamed into the universe, infecting the pretty space-dust that I wanted to use to highlight my blush. I want to create something that whispers with a forked tongue: "Fuck. You."

Fact or Fiction.

Will it be fact or fiction? Do I want to search for beautiful, real stories to tell and help spread them? Or do I want to create something entirely new? I'm not a documentary producer, but should I be? My heart is in crafting stories, but maybe it's time to set that aside for a while in order to spread true stories that inspire good and justice. Maybe I'd better stick to what I know and make something up.

Abilities // Restrictions.

I am one person. Alone I can write, but that is difficult without an idea. I have the tinder and plenty of firewood, but I need a fucking spark. Once I have the spark I can do more.

I'm a filmmaker, I produce and edit. That's what I enjoy doing best. Not shit I can do without the idea. So for now those sit on the backburner.

I also have a(n admittedly small) rolodex of lovely queer individuals who may also feel a little distraught at the moment. Might be time to meet with them to discuss working on... something?

Budget is zero. Don't know what the project is so right now necessary funds are also zero, which is great. But nobody's getting paid for whatever the fuck comes of this, unless I can be smart.

Ending For Now.

This is all I can bear to write and word-vomit for now. I have been so full of energy and stress thinking about this all day long. I needed to get my thoughts out. If you feel the same ache I do, if there's any way I can help you make your "Fuck. You." project, or if you want to contribute to mine, please DM me and I'll be so happy to discuss and talk.

Please be safe, please be there for your fellow human beings, please be good to each other.

[post-maester]

How does one... draw? I want to draw Odo and Lwaxanna Troi kissing :))

[post-maester]

I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle at the moment. I've been a little kinda sorta completely fucking gutted by the election results. I feel so utterly saddened for 2SLGBTQIA+ people, BIPOC, women, people with disabilities who now have to live beneath that man's shadow.

Among the sadness is an ache.

An ache to do something. An ache to take action of some kind. I have no idea what kind yet, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am brewing. Do I mean to create something? I don't know yet. I'll figure it out. But I mean to do something.

Community.

I've been reading lately. A book called "How To Think Like A Woman," by Regan Penaluna. The book tells the author's personal memoir, as well as the stories of 4 Early-Modern philosophers (who were women). I'm not a particularly smart person, sometimes I needed to read a paragraph or even a passage multiple times to really 'get it,' but some things stuck with me.

These philosophers were steadfast in their beliefs that women were deserving of education, asylum from abusive husbands, that they shouldn't need to hide their sexuality, that they should be allowed to pursue their intellectual desires just as a man could. But in these demands they each were specific. These freedoms were not meant to enable selfishness in women, as they often did in men. They believed that these freedoms, for all people, also came with the duty to better one's community - to give back. That embracing the people, valuing the people, fostering each individual, would further the community.

This point of community is where I've been stuck all day long. We all need community right now. We need shoulders to cry on, we need friends to laugh with, we need wise folk to tell us what the fuck to do now.

I don't know what I'm going to do - or make - but community needs to be a central theme.

Queerness & Transness.

I also feel like I've created nothing inherently queer. I've abandoned writing for some years now, my projects are old. Older than my realizations about identity. Older than my epiphanies about transness. I want to do something fuckin' gay as hell. I want to pour energy into something that may in some small way counterbalance the hate being screamed into the universe, infecting the pretty space-dust that I wanted to use to highlight my blush. I want to create something that whispers with a forked tongue: "Fuck. You."

Fact or Fiction.

Will it be fact or fiction? Do I want to search for beautiful, real stories to tell and help spread them? Or do I want to create something entirely new? I'm not a documentary producer, but should I be? My heart is in crafting stories, but maybe it's time to set that aside for a while in order to spread true stories that inspire good and justice. Maybe I'd better stick to what I know and make something up.

Abilities // Restrictions.

I am one person. Alone I can write, but that is difficult without an idea. I have the tinder and plenty of firewood, but I need a fucking spark. Once I have the spark I can do more.

I'm a filmmaker, I produce and edit. That's what I enjoy doing best. Not shit I can do without the idea. So for now those sit on the backburner.

I also have a(n admittedly small) rolodex of lovely queer individuals who may also feel a little distraught at the moment. Might be time to meet with them to discuss working on... something?

Budget is zero. Don't know what the project is so right now necessary funds are also zero, which is great. But nobody's getting paid for whatever the fuck comes of this, unless I can be smart.

Ending For Now.

This is all I can bear to write and word-vomit for now. I have been so full of energy and stress thinking about this all day long. I needed to get my thoughts out. If you feel the same ache I do, if there's any way I can help you make your "Fuck. You." project, or if you want to contribute to mine, please DM me and I'll be so happy to discuss and talk.

Please be safe, please be there for your fellow human beings, please be good to each other.