preservationofnormalcy

[preservationofnormalcy]

Heidi-ho everyone! Amanda here, lettin’ all you guys know about something real important coming up. When I go to ask Norm in a little bit here, he’ll say it’s okay to use the feed for this, so I thought I’d just cut out that there middleman. 

Anyway, we’ve got a real killer of a chronostorm brewing in North America. Probably cover most of the continent! Won’t be detectable for most people, but us time vets are gonna have a doozy of a headache this weekend. It’ll be strongest on…Friday, I think. 

During a chronostorm of this magnitude, you might have a little more deja vu, that’s normal. Don’t worry your cute head about that. The big thing is you might wanna turn off any extranormal devices on Friday. I know, you kids and your phones, but you can go one day without it, cant’cha? 

If you keep ‘em on, you’ll probably receive errant messages and signals from the past. Remember, it’s against chronointegrity guidelines to communicate with the past! It’ll be just like that movie Frequency. Ever seen that? Oh, great, great movie. Can’t do that though, against the rules. 

This time around, looks like the storm’s connecting us to…oh, the 1970s.

Stay safe out there, kids! Have fun this weekend, without chronostorms making it a huge mess. Remember, muckin’ around in nonstandard chronology isn’t for the untrained. That’s time you can’t get back! 

[preservationofnormalcy]

At the Calgary Expo, Dr Walker identified a group of extranormal citizens found in violation of several extranormal offenses, including intentional glamour failure in a nonmagical environment, unsafe summoning practices, and clown crimes.

Remember, a convention is no excuse to be lax on veil preservation practices!

(Huge thanks to Refuge Larp for playing along!)

[preservationofnormalcy]

Hey folks! Norm chiming in to say that our OPN representative in Canada, Dr Jack Walker, will be at the Calgary Expo today! He’s authorized to give out stickers to people who identify him as OPN staff.

Remember, due to the nature of Dr Walker’s classification and external soul containment, his visage is automatically redacting. Do not be alarmed if photos of him later appear with his face censored in any of the following common ways:

A black box

A black circle

A pixelated bar

The OPN crest

A bowling ball

Static (there are no patterns in the static)

Static (there are patterns in the static)

A yawning void from which no light escapes

[REDACTED]

Don't be afraid to say hi!

[preservationofnormalcy]

OOC: hey folks! Just giving an update, I’m having some medical issues (vestibular dysfunction) that have been giving me a huge problem with fatigue now that I’m treating it. I haven’t had the energy to do much of anything lately, including this. Right now I’m prioritizing my day job and doing my physio treatments. Sorry to have a break right after the last one, but the last few weeks have been really bad fatigue-wise. Be back soon!

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM NUMBER: 8896

ITEM: Wizardwares Gnome Home Wondersponge

ITEM HISTORY: Item 8896 is a novelty kitchen sponge, sold briefly in mundane and esoteric markets in 1988 under the name Gnome Home Wondersponge. Manufactured by the now-defunct Wizardwares Inc., the sponge caused significant political controversy and property damage before its removal.

The sponge purported to replicate the effects of a brownie, a fae subtype known for its beneficial (if capricious) effects in the home. Typical brownies were in short supply at the time, being both rare in North America and engaged in unionization efforts during the late 1980s. Though Wizardwares claimed that the introduction of the sponge to markets during the widespread strikes was a coincidence, the North American Seelie Court released a statement claiming the sponge was “a clear attempt to undermine hardworking American fairies,” with NASC Chairfae Jack B. Nimble going as far as saying it was a legal strikebreaking tactic.

The sponge’s method of operation is not entirely clear - Wizardwares enchanters would claim in later inquiries that the sponges were “loaded with thaumometric data from ten million instances of dishes being washed by hand.” Later investigations would conclude that up to 97% of those “ten million” instances were themselves not technically existent, extrapolated from the first 3% using quantum timeline analysis. This could help explain the sponge’s deleterious effects.

The sponge could be used as a normal cleaning implement, but at some point during the night, the item would typically animate and continue cleaning, usually washing dishes. Due to its faulty “database,” errors compounded - at first, it would not recognize which items were safe to run its abrasive surface against, potentially damaging dishware. Gradually, it would begin to wash cast iron, floors and surfaces in the kitchen, leaving unsafe conditions. If left unattended, the sponge would begin to work on other areas of the home with more vigor, breaking valuables, scratching glass, and traumatizing household pets.

Though protests were held at Wizardwares headquarters, the federal government did not act until the sponge was confirmed to have been sold in mundane stores. At that point, Office veil-preservation contingencies activated. All stores and cities known to have sold the sponge were canvassed, citing a “hallucinogenic compound” in the chemical treatment of the sponge.

The NASC subsequently released a statement that said while they were pleased the sponge had been removed from stores, they were disappointed it took threatening the veil for the Office for the Preservation of Normalcy to act, and not the struggle of the workingfairy. The Office has not officially commented on the sponge after an official report announcing its removal.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Got the canvases up on my shop! $40 CAD plus $12 shipping.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Anyone interested in a canvas print?

[preservationofnormalcy]

You know, that’s a good thing to keep in mind. It’s not super likely - Redcaps as a group are rare in the USA due to some disagreements between the Old Courts and the North American Seelie Court chairfae Jack B Nimble, but it’s worth looking at.

However, also keep in mind that the Redcap’s ability to handle iron makes them outcasts in some Fae circles, depending on the Court politics. They’re often exploited for this ability for the same reason.

I’ve never met a Redcap, but I hear they took to the goth clubs pretty hard, on account of the big stompy boots.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Hey I put in an order with my local machine shop for some Cold Rolled Steel for a project I'm working on, and I'm not sure what I got back but it, uuh. It ain't stainless. I don't think it's even steel. I complained to some friends and they pointed me to you guys. I dunno what's wrong with this stuff but I wanna be rid of it before it causes any problems, y'know? For me or for anyone else.

Interesting. Let’s tread carefully.

My assumption is that you have received cold iron, through either a somewhat humorous series of misunderstandings or rare nomenclature-ontology drift.

“Cold iron” is a poetic term for just plain iron, which as many know is difficult or impossible for our fair friends to handle or even approach. However, it is possible to make regular iron extra…well, I was going to say spicy, but I feel like that’s not appropriate for the situation. There’s a few rituals and techniques involved, which we discourage since the Fairweather Act. It’s almost impossible to discern iron tweaked in this way and conventional metals, so I don’t blame you for not identifying it.

Now, it’s not a crime to own or produce cold iron, just like it’s not a crime to own or produce silver bullets or salt buckshot. You can use this iron for any task you’d want regular iron for, and the coldness will wear off slightly eventually. The issue here is that because it’s not exactly criminal to own or produce this stuff, there’s not much we can do unless that iron has been forged into a clear weapon like a sword or bullets. We confiscated a few of those in the 70’s after that Elf Control fiasco in Colorado. Took years to get the ATF off our backs.

Anyway, head back to the machine shop and have an earnest conversation about what this was intended for and if you can get a refund or replacement - if you get a weird vibe, call us again and we can send someone down.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Hiiiiiiii...

So.... what do you call a broken pencil? Pointle-

Wait, no, that's not why im contacting you. I may or may not have pissed off a clown and he started saying weird things and I've been feeling funny ever since and my nose has been getting red I thought it was a cold at first but it got worst and all the doctor offered to do was put me on laugh support and i guess one of the nurses gave me your contact as a kind jester and please say you can help it's leaking into my life i cant stop i ca

Stay calm. By that I mean don’t panic and try not to laugh much.

As we all know, clowns don’t spread like a virus. That’s a harmful stereotype that we at the Office disavow by order of our iteration of the Sommers Agreement. However….

About how old are you? Mid-20s? Humor me: did one of your parents skip meals with the family? Have a job they didn’t like talking about? Always made you laugh?

It’s April first, you know. That’s going to cause some serious problems for folks with, uh. Mixed classification. Think of it like a full moon that comes once a year.

Again, stay calm. This is something that your parents really should have warned you about, but it’s not the first time I’ve had to take over that task. This is going to be a big life change, but it’s not all bad. The clans throw a big gala on April Fools every year. I’ve been a few times, they don’t usually invite….y’know. But you’ll be welcome!

Head to the nearest circus. They’ll take care of you. They’re required to.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Hope you all are okay with some of my doodles.

Some ladies from the People Below, or the molepeople. Moleization caused human biology to go haywire, resulting in a wide array of body types.

From left to right, Vice Mine Inspector 27 or Vicce, Sixteen Tons (Six to her friends), and Majestic Tom.

Vicce looks most like your average moleperson, and she works in surveying in Burrough 7. Six works the thermal generators in the Blackdeep, powering moleman civilization. Tom used to work explosives handling, but since she got her legs blown off she works in worm farming.

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM FILE #7511

ITEM: "Screye"

ITEM HISTORY: Screye, developed by Esoteritech, is a mobile app that debuted in 2009. The app sought to emulate the functions of the centuries-old magical technology of scrying, or using a reflective surface to view and hear remote events, future happenings, or conversational partners. Though similar feats had been attempted and moderately successful in the 1980s using cathode ray televisions (known as "analog augury"), Screye was the first mass-market scrying program to achieve widespread success. Using the magical programming language Wand+, Screye automates the sometimes-laborious procedures of "dialing in" a scrying connection.

In order to comply with normality-compliance secrecy regulations, Screye is not available on standard app delivery mechanisms. In order to use Screye, users must perform an operation on commercial smartphone devices colloquially known as a "magebreak," modifying the device's operating system to accept a new app delivery mechanism known as Wizapp. Though controversial at the time, magebreaking commercial smartphones is now fairly standard practice among extranormal users, and is the only way to access common extranormal programs such as Screye, the dating app ASMO, and moon-tracking app PhaseTracker.

Screye is extremely widely used in many professional and casual circles, being considered almost ubiquitous. It allows any user with an account on the service to contact any other user with the app, as well as some functionality to contact more traditional scrying tools such as mirrors, crystal balls, and the aforementioned cathode ray tube televisions. To comply with chronological integrity guidelines, it has no divination functionality - though there are reports of Screye "glitching" and showing users glimpses of potential future events.

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM FILE #6412

ITEM: "Fool's Money"

ITEM HISTORY: Item 6412 is a standard American five (5) dollar bill. Running the serial number shows a mundane origin, but the item was slightly defaced at an unknown point. The inscription 'a fool and his money' (a reference to the adage 'a fool and his money are soon parted') has been written on the front face near former President Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln has also had pointed ears drawn onto his depiction. Whether this was merely doodling or a statement of the artist on President Abraham Lincoln's classification remains unknown.

This item was surrendered to Office custody after its previous owner suffered a mental health crisis, citing the bill's adverse extranormal effects. After some testing, it was determined that the bill, when spent, will always return to its designated holder, known colloquially as the "fool." The "fool" can only pass the bill onto another holder permanently if it is stolen, or more likely, if the holder is able to perform a financial "scam" involving the bill. The bill has no other documented adverse effects beyond repeated appearance and the mundane designation of the holder being a "fool."

Office psychometric testing has resulted in a 98.4% certainty that the bill's extranormal effects are of fae origin. Fae advisors have suggested that the bill was part of a 'literal wording' scam. They currently hypothesize that the original holder of the bill traded a significant amount of liquid assets for the ability for "money to return" to them, resulting in the bill in Office custody.

The nature of the bill initially presented a challenge in maintaining custody - though he surrendered the bill, the holder was still "the fool" and thus it returned to him. After researching the bill's effects, a mugging was arranged through a series of double-blind contacts, the bill stolen by a mugger acting, for that day via a thaumo-legal contract, as an agent of Office Accounting. The agent immediately made a business purchase of one (1) box of paperclips using the bill, thereby securing the Office Accounting entity as the "fool" and the bill's custody. It is currently in the OA's petty cash drawer, marked so as to not be spent.

[preservationofnormalcy]

There's a deer man outside my house right now. I think? He might actually be an elk. Anyways, he's been strangely polite, and just asked me to tell you that he needs assistance from you guys specifically. He doesn't look injured or anything, but one of his antlers is broken. Said he couldn't use technology or come inside my house, and he's just kind of sitting on my porch right now. What should I do?

Oh, no, wait, this is good. Wearing a suit? British accent? Jenny, get my Moreauvian notes. Under ‘I’ for Island.

This is just a copy of The Island of Doctor Moreau.

Yeah, my notes are written in the margins.

Oh my god.

We’ve been trying to establish diplomatic relations with the Island since the Doctor himself died. They’ve historically been extremely isolationist, and they don’t visit the mainland very often at all. And this one is asking for us?

Stand by, offer him a drink, we’ll head there. I’m calling some of my colleagues in the diplomatic corps. You might be lucky and your house will be host to a makeshift diplomatic summit! How exciting!

According to my notes, you’re gonna want to, uh. Avoid looking him in the eyes and don’t mention or talk about the surgery. They’re really sensitive about it.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Jenny is cursing in Zetan. I can tell because my scramblers are going off. You've got class 2 cognitohazards going on, Jennster. Not bad for psychically-untrained incoherent rage.

Mapinguari are a Class One Protected Cryptid! They're sapient titanoforma with a shamanic culture, and a rich oral tradition. The Brazilian Government outlawed killing them for any reason other than self defense in the thirties!!

Self defense?

They used to twist the heads off humans and drink from their necks. But they don't do that basically ever anymore!

Of course they don't. Well, at least this person is trying to rectify it.

Sorry. Sorry. It's not your fault, you're trying to do the right thing. You should contact the, uh, Ministério do Anormalidades, I think it's called, they can provide further guidance about what to do with the coat; a lot of times they'll use it for education, or give it to orphaned Mapinguari as a comfort object.

Assuming you're in Brazil, anyway. If you’re in the US, it’s covered under the Illicit Supernatural Goods Buyback Program. We’ll buy it from you and ship it to the Ministério. Same thing with any number of now-illegal objects that you may have come into possession of through innocent means. Dreadswords, The Cursed Amulet, whatever.

Did you know their feet face backwards? It's a fascinating evolutionary selection; it helps them hunt.

Always funny when evolution itself has its own little extranormal jaunts. Just look at clowns.

[preservationofnormalcy]

And if anyone else is wondering, yeah, it’s very illegal to engage in the extranormal fur trade. My grandfather gave me one of the only jackalope fur blankets that got grandfathered in, so to speak. If you can’t establish a chain of custody from before 1964, there’s a lot of trouble you could get in.

I want to be clear, what's especially terrifying about your story is that people still steal selkie skins in this day and age, that's the whole reason we have Ainsley's Law.

Right; on top of the trade statues, it’s basically kidnapping.

Yeah, that was the whole court case, redefining skin theft to be kidnapping. Ainsley MacCullough, a selkie whose "husband" brought her to the states. Even though he threatened to burn her skin, she still pursued a lawsuit against him.

Took until the 80’s. Unreal. Historic lawsuit, though.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Ever encounter cursed water sources? Or have records of any of them?

I mean, plenty. You know, “Cursed” is kind of a broad term. Could mean there’s a revenant in there, could mean it’s haunted. There’s a couple lakes in the country that had a big enough ship sink that Jones took a little slice of it.

I mean, I guess I could tell the story about how I almost got drowned.

This was a few years back. Or geeze, more than that, come to think of it. We’d been hearing stories about a cursed lake in backwoods Minnesota. Usually we’d just file that as an urban myth, maybe send some YouTubers out to make a ridiculous video. Y’know, downplay the urban myth so that nothing comes in to take that place.

But this one had some…frankly really concerning elements. Boats capsized, pets missing. We had some really worrying photos rolling around social media. Everything pointed to some kind of revenant. Vengeful spirit, cursed to roam the watery depths and inflict on others the kind of pain it felt, etc. Standard stuff.

So they sent me, winter coat and all, up to this lake with another agent. It became pretty clear we weren’t seeing a revenant - the carcasses it left behind were stripped bare, so it clearly needed to eat. We tried to stake the place out, watched people fish and swim despite the clearly placed “no swimming” signs. We were getting nothing.

I wanted to try one more thing before we left. Not my smartest idea, and no one should do this over a body of water with extranormal activity of unknown classification. Leave the dumb ideas to the trained dumb decision professionals.

Anyway, I found myself in the dead of night sitting in a crappy rowboat, barely a moon in the sky. I had a life jacket on, thank god. I had rowed out to the center of the lake, not really knowing what I was doing or looking for. I ended up just shouting “we’re here to help, we’re from the Office” out over the water.

It was about a half hour before I heard any kind of reply. I saw some bubbles and tried to figure out what was causing them. “Hey, can you hear me? I’m here from the office, is there any way I can help?”

I heard from behind me a quiet voice say “I need my skin…” and everything went black. The boat turned over like it had been yanked down and I was pinned under it for a second. There’s that half second when you get dunked in the cold water where you’re in shock, you don’t know which way is up. I knew I’d done the stupidest possible thing when I could just barely see the shine of the moon above me, glimmering off the ripples I’d created when I fell through. I could feel hands on me, and I tried to orient myself before I got pulled under. The waterproof flashlight in my hand was on, and after that second of panic I swung it around to whatever was holding me. It recoiled, all long arms and hair, long teeth behind curled lips. It let me go, and I scrambled, throwing off my jacket and swimming up to the capsized boat. I could barely hold onto it, trying to climb up onto the underside - for whatever reason, I could only think of that scene from the Titanic, and I was sure I’d be going out like DiCaprio.

I had just barely caught my breath when I heard a hiss. The thing had breached the surface, just barely, glaring at me over the back of the rowboat, putting a hand on the wood. As if it were trying to push it under the water, make it too heavy to float.

“Selkie!” I knew what he was, and I panicked. I knew the proper thing was to greet it in Gaelic, but I didn’t know any. “Your skin. It’s gone. Someone’s stolen it, is that right?”

The glare softened, but claws gripped the wood, scratching grooves in it. The selkie, that person dipped back under the water until just his eyes were showing.

“We can help,” I said. “We can find the thief and we can bring it back.” I was sure that we could, but needless to say I would have taken any way out at that point.

After a long, tense moment of silence, we managed to come to an understanding. He spoke English with a heavy accent, but it was enough that I could ask him to put my boat back upright and let us give him our card.

The case got handed over to someone else after that. I never learned what he was doing in the States, but I did hear he’s in Seattle now. I wonder how he’s doing.

...Holy ████, Norm.

What? That’s not even my worst story.

I was gonna talk about my ASMO date with a rusalka, but that's terrifying.