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[princessjung]

Is Lexicology that difficult or am I just that dumb? 😭

[princessjung]

Rika's Appearance in The Ssum (June's Route Day 36 Spoiler)

Yeah... honestly I'm already suspicious of her intention the moment she mentioned about wanting to come to his atelier. I'm gonna assume that this is during her initial stage of creating Mint Eye ideals and all that.

And Cheritz, for goodness sake, you will never catch me saying V and Rika has a good personality or make a good couple etc. Nope, never. So stop forcing these options into my face please. 😩

I do think Piu Piu's analysis is interesting as well. Especially if you're already familiar with MysMe lore.

[princessjung]

Currently brainrotting over the concept that Mint Eye apparently has multiple copycat cults within the same mountain range

[princessjung]

He's such a sap... my lovely and cheesy sap 💕

[princessjung]

“I don’t want to be away from you,” you sob, tensing under Saeran’s gentle touch as he reaches out to rub your arm. 

“You won’t be,” he assures you, voice thickening with emotion even as he does his best to maintain a calm tone. “Not really.” 

He pulls you close. You’re turned away from him, which is strange— normally, he’s the little spoon. That only makes you feel guilty, of course— Saeran came here to rescue you because you were lured into a trap, and now, here he is, chained to the wall, laying on the floor, and inexplicably comforting you. “Please think again,” you urge, trying to twist around and look at Saeran. “There has to be another way. I’ll come back for you, I promise. I’m— I’m not leaving you.” But even as you say it, you know exactly what his response is going to be. As devastated as you are, your judgment isn’t clouded enough to convince you that Saeran is going to change his mind. He's already made his decision, after all.

“You won’t have time,” Saeran reminds you. He plants a soft kiss behind your ear. “You and Saeyoung have to finish this. I’m less important.” It hurts your heart to think that he actually believes that— in your opinion, Saeran’s safety is more of a priority than the security of a thousand worlds or whatever justice might be done against a million exploitative agencies and a billion corrupt Prime Ministers. 

“I’m not leaving you,” you repeat, perhaps a bit petulantly. It feels wrong to just go along with what he’s telling you, regardless of the stakes. 

“No,” Saeran agrees, “Of course not. Your heart will always be with me. And mine will stay with you, too, hm? Even if I’m not here, you’ll always be able to hold onto my love deep inside. That’s my promise to you, my love. Whenever you need me, I’ll always be there.” 

You grab his hand, giving it an affectionate squeeze. You still refuse to believe that you’re actually leaving Saeran— of course, you’ll go along with his plan until you know for sure that Saeyoung is safe. You know that Vanderwood will probably need help getting Saeyoung out of here in his condition, and Saeran is absolutely correct that Rika’s plans will all fall through if she isn’t able to produce both twins. But that doesn’t mean that you have any serious intention of leaving Saeran in this place. Though you lack the information and the mental clarity to make any kind of concrete plan, you can be certain that this will not be the last day that you spend with him. “I love you,” you breathe. 

“Mmm,” Saeran hums. “I love you, too. I’ll always love you, my MC. My angel, my miracle. Even if our bodies won’t be together in the same place, and even if I never get to hear your voice again, I’ll stay with you all the time. Even if my existence ends… I’ll be by your side until the end of the world.” 

You sniffle. He’s wrong. He has to be wrong— you will do everything in your power to see to it that his existence does not end, that you and he stay physically together for as long as the universe will allow it. You refuse to let some selfish couple, a team of phony hackers, and a disgraced politician tear you and Saeran apart. But either way, you need him to know that you love him just as much as he loves you. “But even when the world ends, we’ll still be together in our hearts,” you promise, “I’ll keep holding onto you as long as I can, and then after that, as long as I exist, as long as I have thoughts in my head, I’ll be loving you. No matter what happens, no matter what those bastards take from us, they won’t ever be able to stop us from loving each other, you know? When the world ends and there’s nothing left but empty space, when we go back to the stars that we came from, the space dust that is me will still try its best to drift beside the space dust that is you. I mean it, Saeran. I’m not giving up on you.” You’re beginning to ramble a bit now, but hopefully you got your message across. 

“I don’t think the world is ending any time soon,” Saeran replies, “You’ll get to live a long life full of fun experiences— you won't be giving up on me if you let yourself have fun. I’ll be happy knowing you got to live on ordinary life, free from all the trouble that I've caused you. But I’ll look forward to living in the stars together, my love. You can tell me all about everything that happened since the last time that we met.”

“Saeran, baby,” you address him over your shoulder, “I will never, ever make you wait that long.” You refuse to allow the universe to separate you from this man.

He laughs, squeezes your hand and pulls you impossibly close. “I want to savor this moment with you. I’ll cherish it in my mind for as long as I can.” You can hear the tears in his voice, the passion with which he says those words. You can feel his love in the way he holds you, in the tender feeling of his skin against your own.

“We’ll make new memories,” you assure him, “Better ones, where we’re safe and free— even as space dust.” But as you said— you will never, ever make him wait that long. 

[princessjung]

Chain of Heart

Saeyoung x Fem!MC

2603 words

TW; mental breakdown, panic attack, flashbacks

The twins handle their own healing in a way that's different than hers. Or so she thought.

Note: This took place some time after the event of Saeran's After Ending. I wrote this purely for my own comfort and validation back then. Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me and so did the opposite. Its almost like I'm tiptoeing in the middle of these delicate lines. So I thought I'd just drop it here in case someone feel the same way as me :)

Once she closed the door of the library, she took place at one of the comfy white sofa in the middle of the room. Her mind swirling around all the nightmares mingled with her anger, frustation and doubt. There's too many things to the point she didn't even know which one to focused on. Her heart began to hammered a tad too loud, but she kept her breathing as quiet as she could despite having no one in sight. It's a habit she held close to her heart even when she didn't live with her family anymore. Finding the darkest corner to hide, crying silently, gathered all the broken pieces together again and act like nothing was happening in the first place.

At first it was just the common regular nightmare. It was nothing she couldn't handle as she'd been dealing with those as much as Saeran did. Though she's sure his nightmares were twice as horrible than hers. But then it kinda just snowballed from there. From vague pictures and blurs of motion, now her nightmare was as vivid as if it were happening in real life. The words, actions and even the way everyone act was exactly the same.

Last night must be the worst she ever gotten in a long time. She remembered how her whole body paralyzed as she slowly opened her eyes; in contrast of the usual gasp and jolted movement. Saeran was still fast asleep. In all honestly he finally got better at sleeping without getting awake regularly, much to her relief. She didn't want to be another burden for him. She already told him way too much and she couldn't bear letting him handling another breakdown of hers.

And then she felt it.

Her fingertip touched the left cheek where the tears from her eyes streaming down her face. Hah... she wondered for a good moment on when did she started crying. Perhaps she felt everything and nothing at once until her mind went numb. But even then she's aware of the lack of emotions on her face right now. It's as if she's unable to showcase anything facial expression in contrast to the tears that keep escaping with each passing second. She must've looked funny right now, she thought to herself. Would Saeran agree with her statement? She doubted that would be the case. But if there's one thing she's certain of; she needed this tears. She needed to cry and letting out all her bottled up emotions through it. These days she's been having difficulties to shed even a drop of tears. So now she just wanted to savor the feelings while it last.

She kept her posture straight, trying to breathe through her mouth now that she could feel her nose getting red and runny. Luckily there's a box of tissue nearby so she didn't look like a complete disaster. Out of the blue, she let out a dry chuckle in the middle of her mental breakdown. Great, now she's completely losing her mind that way. And the worse part is she didn't know what she want. Would a few words of comfort from her lover soothed her aching heart. Or perharps she's in need of his warmth and embrace right now. Usually it would help her to calm down and shift her focus on him instead.

She immediately shook her head at the thought. As much as he owned her entire heart without a single doubt, she didn't want any of his closure for the time being. And while she's aware he wouldn't judge or denying any of her feelings, she couldn't help the guilt seeping up her body when thinking about it. She wanted to lash out, to scream her lungs out, to ripped out every books within her sight, to kick and punch the faces that ruined his and her lives. She could feel the seething anger bubbling underneath her skin, threatening to jumped out any seconds if she let her emotions took over her rationalism. Maybe if she could just—

The faint knock on the door snapped her out of the spiraling thoughts in her head. It forced her to tore her gaze to the direction of the door. Whoever was on the other side...

It must be Saeran. He must've noticed the way she kept her mouth shut the entire breakfast and how she only took a bite before retreating herself to the mini library of their home. He tend to be a worrywart whenever she showed the slightest sign of not being her usual self, that's just the man he is through and through. It took her a long time to consider before deciding to just let him in. Perharps his presence wasn't as bad as she feared it would be. Besides, there are times when she's denying him when she actually craved it without realizing. And she knew he would respect her choice if she told him she needed to be alone. Therefore she tried to collect herself before answering him.

"C-Come in..."

And there was her chance flying out of the window. Of course the wavery voice would betray her. Couldn't even get her shit together for God's sake. She wondered what's the next thing she's going to ruin after this. However, the sight that greeted her once the door was opened caught her off guard. It was the older twin with red hair and golden eyes that came in instead of her white haired and blueish eyes lover; slightly hesitant in his steps when he saw her weary eyes and tears almost all over her face now. They both didn't exhange anything once he sat across her as she kept her head down the entire time. Though there's no need for shame, she still felt it in her chest despite being grateful he didn't commented on her messy appearance. Only the sound of birds chirping outside can be heard occasionally before he broke the silence first.

"...Do you want to talk about it?"

"Would you like to listen?"

"Yeah."

She took a few shaky breath to regain her composure a little. Feeling a little nervous although she knew he would be a good listener. Perhaps he might have the answer she's been looking for a while. Something that she's been hesitating to tell her lover because of the difference between their choices. It always seemed like she share quite a lot of trait with Saeyoung too. Soon she faced him properly before beginning to talk.

"I feel hurt by everything lately..."

She started by acknowledging her feelings, pondering over her words for a good few moments before continuing.

"I've been having nightmares about... about what happened to you and Saeran back then. And no matter how hard I tried to help you both, it seemed useless in that dreams... "

The cut scenes of images from her nightmares flashed before her eyes; forcing her to broke the eye contact with Saeyoung and held her head back down with a few tears rolling down her cheeks again.

"I know I'm the last person on earth who should feel traumatized by all this when you've gone through worse but—"

"No, stop right there."

He cut her off firmly. It doesn't held any annoyance or irritation per se, but the strictness managed to shut her up without much effort. She held the hem of her clothes tightly around her fist, trying to find something to hold on for a moment. None of them spoke a word after that, making her feel suffocated especially with the thick, heavy atmosphere lingering around them. Therefore she tried to look up to him again. His face was as calm and collected as ever so it's difficult for her to tell what he truly felt.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"How do you handle the anger inside your heart?"

The question seemed to pique his interest; with raised eyebrow and a glint in his eyes that's been urging her to continue. As if he knew there's much more to the question that meet the eye.

"Saeran choose to forgive and make peace with the past. He choose understanding rather than hating. But I know you didn't make the same choice as him..."

She closed her eyes when her mind traveled to the past; remembering her lover's supposedly last words at the lake the night before they had to parted ways. He also repeated the same thing alomg the 4 days of adrenaline rush and path of danger, telling her on how much he already changed and wanted to step into the light with love embracing him once more. And honestly she supported his healing journey all the way. He's now capable of deciding his own path as a free man and he doesn't need to fear anything that's been holding him back. And yet...

"I have too much resentment within me that I don't think I can make a noble decision like that. I could literally burn the people I resent if I want. All my life, I've always forced to empathize and put myself in people's shoes to the point I don't even remember what mine looks like. Why should I do that to those people I loathe? I'm done dishing out my kindness towards people. But I also know that I don't want to hold onto this anger. I'm—"

Her chest rising and falling as her heart was beating in rapid motion. The words that's been spilling out of her mouth just now were too much even for her. Would he think of her as a selfish person after this? Maybe. Even her head began to spun around like a carousel at the theme park as her hand constantly shaking out of... Anger? Embarrassment? Shame? She couldn't tell at this point.

"...You don't want to forgive. You just want to forget about it and move on with your life but without the anger trying to hold you back from happiness."

There, the perfect summary of her entire feelings. For a moment she wondered how did Saeyoung manage to captured it so precisely. But that's the least of her concerns right now. Just with that short sentences, he made her feel understood and seen. Exactly like what she craved for without any judgement or accusation.

"Did you feel like you're stuck in between?"

"Very."

Silence greeted them again. But this time it's slightly better than before considering she already let out what's on her chest all this time. She waited for his answer in anticipation: wondering if there's any difference when it comes to the twins comforting style. While their personalities are the complete opposite of each other, her instinct told her that they both held the similar pattern of speech in relations to comfort.

"I can relate to that anger like you're holding a mirror to me. You know it's perfectly alright to get angry, right? Especially when the world treat you so unfairly almost all your life. It just depends on you. Today you can choose anger if your heart is telling you that. Tomorrow you can choose otherwise. No option is wrong here."

Choosing different option everytime? Now that got her interested. She always thought she should focus solely in one choice. It never crossed her mind that she could do it differently or according to her own feelings. Saeyoung took a deep breath before letting it out a few times. Perhaps trying to collect himself, perhaps she just reminded her of the past.

"I accepted Saeran's decision to forgive just like how he respected mine to not. And you know we are the last person who would judge you or feel weirded out if you choose both."

She nodded her head at his conclusion; feeling the huge amount of relief flowing out of her chest. In a way, she's so grateful for being able to share a piece of herself with her brother-in-law. It's been messing with her mind for quite some time already and while she knew her lover would provide the same comfort, it's actually nice to be see someone relating and doing the same thing as her. It made her feel validated through and through. That her anger is justified and there's no shame to it. For a long time she's been repressing it to the point of tearing herself apart. But now she already got the peace of mind and heart she'd been looking for.

"I... I don't know why it's so hard to..."

The words trailed off as a sudden realization dawned upon her. It's always so hard for her to forgive the people who's been hurting her loved ones. She remembered giving a side-eye glance to the boy that broke her friend's heart. The way she still hold the dissatisfaction towards each and every person that made her loved one's cry or hurt. As much as she's willing to give second chance once in a while, the fact remains that she would never find it in her heart to meet eye-to-eye with these people anymore. Luckily Saeyoung seemed to understand it despite her not uttering it out loud.

"That's okay, I feel the same way with Saeran. God knows I would split the bodies of people hurting him within seconds. And I think Saeran would do the same for you considering how protective my baby brother can be. Not the splitting bodies part of course— but the sentiment is there."

She let out a relief and amused chuckle at the answer, and Saeyoung soon followed the gesture. In some ways, she knew that she's connected to Saeyoung when it comes to protecting their siblings. Perhaps it's because they're both the older one so it's easy to relate to those feelings. It could be because they share the same rage within their heart. Either way, she knew he would always got her back no matter what.

"Very heroic of my love to do that."

"Only the best for his angel, as he would say."

This time she couldn't help but smile when thinking about her lover. While she admitted to him before it's quite awkward when she's being called an angel, now it seemed to grow on her already. Her heart felt warm at the thought of him regarding her as an angel despite her flaws and insecurities. She always said to him that if there's any of them are an angel, it's definitely him. Though he would playfully argue with her statement at times. She then wipe out the remaining tears, shooting a hesitant glance at Saeyoung before letting the word fell over her lips.

"Can I... get a hug?"

Wordlessly, he open his arms wide and wrapped it around her waist as soon as she moved next to him. Her eyes fluttered shut at his warmth, different from Saeran and yet gave the same sense of secure and comfort. Saeyoung always mentioned how he's twice as warm so that he can provide the heat for two of the most important people in his life. She pulled him tighter when remembering every happy memories that the three of them made together.

"Thank you for listening, Saeyoung. I couldn't ask for a better brother-in-law."

"Don't think about it. I cherish you as much as I cherish my brother. I have the duty of protecting my family after all."

Sooner or later, she found herself dozing off on his shoulders without her realizing it. The breakdown along with the heart-to-heart conversation surely take a toll on her body. Therefore she let herself fall into the dreamland after feeling her chest getting lighter thanks to his warm embrace.

[princessjung]

Kait, correct me if I'm wrong but did Ray ever express his love for the sky or clouds to us? Because I'm digging through my chat and call history like a madman for the past hour, yet I couldn't find anything at all! He only mentioned about flowers and ice cream but not the clouds 😮

Now that you say it, I don't believe Ray ever mentioned the clouds in passing to MC. Now, I did just spend some time going over all of AS to make sure there wasn't something I missed. I couldn't find a single mention of clouds by Ray. But, that makes sense to me, given that he isn't allowed to think about his memories with his brother, and clouds are inherently tied to that.

Flowers aren't tied to his time with his twin brother, but... ice cream is. It's a wonder he can allow himself to enjoy it knowing the physical recoil that chips away at his psyche. But, Rika doesn't know about a promise shared on ice cream... so, perhaps, that's why he can have a dream of ice cream but never the clouds.

Clouds are also tied to freedom! What can Ray never be as long as he follows Mint Eye? GE Saeran and SE Saeran, on the other hand, have countless instances where they bring up clouds. I believe there might be a moment where Suit Saeran mentions it, but I'd probably need to look again to be sure of that. But, I know for certain that since there's a strong unity in freedom and clouds, SE and GE reflect the most if it comes up in conversation.

[princessjung]

You brought this upon yourself when talking about Suit Saeran before.

God, even though it is so painful to see him like this, day 9 Suit is my absolute favorite side of him. He is so tired, hurt, confused, and sorrowful all at once. He can't do anything to stop everything he thought he knew from crumbling right in front of him. No matter how much he fights, or screams, or bargains, nothing he does makes any difference. Feeling okay is not even something he wants to have right now. He is not even knowledgeable about how 'okay' should feel. The closest to 'peace' he can imagine is just becoming an unfeeling weed swaying in the grass. At least getting all the freedom to look up at the sky and not think about anything.

This is my favorite call from him. It encapsulates all his inner torment so well.

[princessjung]

I'm digging through my collection of Mystic Messenger screenshots and stumbled upon this particular message by Ray.

And guess what?

The Mint Eye lore unfolded itself :) Ray and the Saerans are an official rabbit confirmed.

[princessjung]

Pondering the idea of Suit Saeran being severely touchstarved. I know we all love to explore that particular aspect in Ray specifically, but... I can't help but think about Suit in this as well. He's so very averse to physical contact. All he ever gets is probably just a quick pat on the head or a brief squeeze of his shoulder from Rika. A tiny bit of praise she feeds him to nurture his ever growing bitterness with the world that ultimately helps her achieve her goals. He doesn't know the feeling of a genuinely loving and tender touch on his skin, and a part of me thinks that he can't even imagine it.

Not until you come into the picture.

Furthermore, he is probably directly instructed not to seek out physical affection from others. Or any sort of love, for that matter. It's weak. It's a sign of his dependence. A display of imperfection that cannot be tolerated. After all, he is the ultimate tool. His Savior's sword and shield. In a way, he doesn't even see himself as a human at all. Despite his adamant commitment to being the 'real' Saeran. Deep inside, he can only see himself as a weapon. And, in a way, it's comforting. Because it gives him the confidence to feel strong and imposing.

But, in the end, he remains a human being. The feeling of warmth and belonging that all humans need is something he longs for. Even if those feelings are buried under a mountain of denial and anger. Like a constant taunt of his weaknesses he wishes so desperately to destroy. He tends to write them off onto Ray. Even when those are his feelings and emotions, he is so terrified of admitting his own humanity, that he writes it all off onto Ray.

And, in an ironic way, it only makes him feel even worse. Because he tricks himself into believing that he is incapable of being emotional or caring. When that is not the case. But he's so sure of these feelings not being his, that he can't see any other explanation.

You are constantly being touched by him. In some form or another. Grabbing at your arm to pull you up. Not letting go, even though you are now where he wants you to be, and there is no logical need for him to keep his hand around your wrist or bicep. Brushing his hand over your neck and shoulder as he taunts you. Not even doing anything with it, just... touching you. Playing with your hair while cold and cruel words tumble from his lips. It always seems like he's just about to grab at your hair and pull in a way that would cause you pain, but... he doesn't. Always standing close enough where you'd feel the warmth radiating from his body. While he admits to seemingly being grossed out by being near you, he still makes the conscious choice to press up against you. And if you make a comment about it, he will only double down on it.

To put it simply, it leaves you feeling confused. You're unaware that he's 10 times as confused and frustrated as you are.

He is so incredibly irritated by it. It drives him nuts.

Especially as he sits in his cold Intelligence Room, his mind starting to wander instead of focusing on work. Unwanted thoughts of how it would feel for you to be the one to initiate contact with him. How would your hands feel around his own? Are they warm? Cold? Soft? Or is it possible that they're rough, like his are? How would he describe how your fingers fit around his his own? Ray's hands were always covered by those gross gloves of his... So, that would be something you do with him only, not Ray.

He only snaps out of it when he notices his hands clasping together instead of continuing to drum away at his keyboard. Almost like he's trying to imitate what his mind had painted for him. Imagining that it's your hand that is resting in his own, your thumb swiping over the cold skin of his wrist. He shivers. But not from the cold.

And the way his heart thunders in his chest when he thinks of it makes him sick.

His thoughts become worse as he lies on the cold tiled floor, exhausted and weak from hours of expelling the elixir that was left in his system, his body rejecting the acidic substance violently. He's too drained to fight off those thoughts now. Too crumpled to do anything now.

So, he indulges in them, closing his eyes and letting out a long, raspy breath into the deafening silence. Not like anything matters to him anymore. He has no dignity to lose.

At least that's what he thinks.

He thinks of you cradling his head onto your lap, your voice being distant and muffled, but filled with that worried babbling that was so bothersome to him. He imagines the warmth of your soft thighs beneath his cheek, which is a great contrast to the cold and hard floor he was sprawled out on. He thinks of your scent surrounding him and chasing away that cursed acidic stench that still made his stomach twist and turn, despite it being totally empty by this point. He thinks of your fingers brushing through his sweaty and dry hair, in a way that only Ray was privy to. He no longer felt angered by the thought. It only made the ache in his chest increase. Not from the physical pain, but an emotional one. Like loose strings weaving around his heart and squeezing it tighter and tighter.

He fails to notice the silent tears coursing down his cheeks until he hears his phone ringing, which prompts him to run his hand over his face and try to put himself back together from the shattered pieces you left behind.

He is aware that it is you.

Probably worrying about him.

God knows why.

He contemplates declining, but the selfish yearning to hear your voice is more intense.

You shatter everything he thought he knew about this world, plunging his pure existence into sheer chaos, yet... Maybe, you can put him back together again. Or, in other words, aid him in rexognizing these ugly broken pieces as something else. Something worth attemting to put back together. In order for him to finally recognize the reflection he sees looking back at him when he looks in the mirror.

[princessjung]

Thank you for the tag, Mia! 💕

Honestly I, too, am baffled at the accuracy and details of this quiz. Like, how do you know I'm the eldest daughter who always put responsibilities above herself? How do you know I've been struggling to let myself rest and relax despite my semester break at the moment? Are you hiding under my bed? 😔

Tagging @password-door-lock and @stormflypirateskin if you want to try!

Ahem

which greek god are you (but somewhat detailed)

My best friend made a quiz! I'm gonna start a chain because she'd like that and I can. This was mine,

No pressure at all :)

@coffee-without-anesthetics @lastdivantruther @bunniezai @spiderbends @irish-journal @someonebeatmetotheseusernames @shroom-sprouts @lyloneliness @lotus-pear

[princessjung]

Be (anything but) my valentine

Suit Saeran x Reader; 10.2k words, fluff and angst Content warnings: implied/referenced drug use, disordered eating behaviors, death mention, religious cults Rating: Mature

Honestly, if you hadn’t been so annoying to begin with, and if you weren’t so opposed to all of the tenets of the Mint Eye, you probably would have been a great asset to Magenta. You still could be, if only Saeran would feed you elixir— but, no. Never. He wouldn’t want to waste it on you, he assures himself belatedly, regardless of what his conscience might say.  “No. Be quiet and listen so I can show you what I brought.” He needs you to shut up unless you’re going to be angry at him, to stop acting like you like him when there’s no way you really do. He needs you to behave erratically and violently, to prove everything the Savior ever told him about you entirely correct. Otherwise, Saeran doesn’t know how he’s going to justify continuing to treat you as he does. Not that he’d ever say those words to you.

“Okay, sure,” you shrug. “I've never gotten this many gifts in one Valentine's day before. You're really spoiling me.”

“I'm not spoiling you, airhead,” Saeran protests, “I'm tormenting you.”

OR:

Saeran will do everything in his power to ruin your Valentine's day. You, however, seem to be having the time of your life.

Read it on Ao3!

[princessjung]

Aaah I'm so happy to see you reading and reviewing Don't Say My Name!! Every time I get a notification I get so excited. I'm currently travelling so I'm saving them for when I get back home to read properly, but just know that you're making my day one reblog at a time 💕

Hey hey! I'm just as happy to finally be able to construct my feedback properly for Don't Say My Name! I've been wanting to do so since forever but deadlines and other personal stuff get in the way lol. Now that I'm on my semester break and have recovered a bit from the burnout, I figured it's time for me to go through your fics again and jot down my thoughts. Even more so since I've just played through the Secret Ending again yesterday.

Although, I admit that I might've accidentally write a bit too much than I intend to;; but what can I say? Your series are much more fun to pick apart and analyze than my own article critique assignments lol. So I'd say it's worth writing a whole proper analysis for it!

Also, I hope you've been enjoying your travel so far and have a safe trip home later on! And don't worry, there's no rush in reading my feedback at all and I'm so, so glad that I'm able to made someone's day like this! Thank you for writing such a brilliant series like Don't Say My Name and I'm looking forward to read your future series/writing as well 💕 I'll probably go through your masterlist in the meantime to read what I've been missing out from you ^^

[princessjung]

As Your Last Act

Part two of Don't Say My Name

Part 1 | Part 3 | Masterlist | Read on AO3 (Registered users only)

Saeyoung does not cry at V’s funeral. Freshly out of the hospital, arm bandaged and still sore, he only got the news a few days ago. At the time, he was silent, a hundred things running through his mind at once. When Jumin passed by to check on him, he only asked when the service was going to be, and then later offered his condolences as sincerely as he could manage. Nothing more.

Now, V's picture faces the small group of people, looking just like he did the last time he saw him, and Saeyoung tries to fix together the two versions of V that he knew in his head.

The man who had helped raise him, the man he called his father. The man who he kept secrets for, who he broke rules for. The man he trusted with his life (and, more importantly, Saeran's life). The man who lied to him, over and over again. Who could have told him how bad things had gotten. Who allowed his brother to be hurt beyond recognition.

The service begins, and Saeyoung does not cry.

At the hospital, Jumin had told him that he could say a few words at the service if he wished to. He must have taken Saeyoung’s silence for sadness. He only had a day to write a short eulogy, but in the end, he feels that what he has written is enough. Appropriate.

When it’s his turn, he stands up at the front and starts to speak. He doesn’t even need the paper he brought with him, the words are so clear in his mind. His hands shake, and his friends mistake it for grief. They hear in his message a sympathetic wish, without the meaning it carries for him.

Don't try to save anyone else. Be selfish.

Because Saeyoung is not grieving. He is angry. And with nowhere to put that anger - the person responsible is now dead and forever unaccountable - it occupies him. It takes up all the space in his chest and leaves no room for grief. There is nearly nothing in his life that V hasn't touched.

So, he will not cry at the funeral today. Maybe the mourning for V will come later, when he has the luxury of time and the security of his loved ones around him. And maybe it will never come at all.

[princessjung]

Ah, you're really starting off strong with this chapter. I'm not the best when it comes to writing overall thoughts or summary, so I'll give you my specific thoughts for specific paragraphs instead!

A light had gone out in Jumin, and you know it was taking him all his strength to handle everything else at the hospital.

A short but spot-on for Jumin's role here. Can we just appreciate how much shit that Jumin has gone through the entire Secret Ending? Like, he's literally the backbone of everyone when it comes to dealing with the whole cult, agency and prime minister mess. People really need to acknowledge that he's also suffering just as much regardless if he ever expressed it verbally or not and will need to unpack his emotions one way or another in the future.

But even being half-conscious couldn’t stop him from being suspicious. He had heard the tone of Jumin’s voice, flat and monotone, from behind his door, and could see the weariness in your eyes. Even Vanderwood, on their brief visit, had been acting oddly.

The way he's still as observant and vigilant as ever even in his vulnerable state... probably the result of having to watch his back all the time up until now. It hurts me to think that he probably tried to come up with the most plausible scenario that makes people around him act like a walking zombie. I also feel like the knowledge of MC and Saeran were safe and treated accordingly is the only thing that kept his mind a little easier instead of spiraling out then and there.

A breath you didn’t realize you were holding. The thud of a body hitting the carpet, and then the screaming that never seems to end.

The entirety of this flashback is so incredibly well-written and described! I've got literal chills just from reading it and how MC is just as traumatized considering we've seen the accident unfold in real time. It's our choice to stay with him but I know we also have to deal with our feelings about what just happened sooner or later.

There is some relief in seeing him open his eyes again. He returns to you, waking up part by part like one of his little creations powering up. He smiles at you softly, and there's something there that's saying I can't believe you're still here with me.

The tenderness of this little paragraph just got me like 🥺🥺🥺 he's still not used to people staying with him through thick and thin, through the best and worse. We've seen so much and went through so much horrible things in less than a month and here we are; looking at him like he's the most precious person in this world with no hint of disgust.

It is the guilt of a protector who put down his weapons for just a second to rest and feels like he has failed the people he has sworn to take care of.

You just shot me right through my heart with this one sentence 🥲 I understand this feelings a bit too well and it devastated me even more when thinking about what it means in this context: Saeyoung probably think how every minute he's resting and recover is him neglecting Saeran and his pain the same time. Of how much he suffered all those years without him knowing anything at all.

I also want to point out how MC is very considerate throughout the whole revelation! Telling the information piece by piece, waiting patiently for Saeyoung to say or ask anything before proceeding carefully. I believe that we're the only one who could deliver such devastating news to him without him lashing out or breaking down completely, not yet. Not when Saeran's in much greater pain, that's what the Saeyoung we know would say.

But you can see it, even if he can't yet. The clenched jaw, his grip on your hand. The way his entire body has gone still. It's defeat, and in his defeat, there's anger.

The subtlety of his anger here is 💯 The anger of not being able to speak his mind fully to the person who should be held accountable for all this mess: and now he's dead while leaving everyone to deal with the aftermath of his decisions, the anger of being lied to and manipulated by two people he trusted his brother with, the anger of seeing Saeran so hurt and in terrible shape where it shouldn't be the case in the first place... I just know he felt a lot of various anger bubbling right under his stillness at this moment and all of them are justified and true.

It has only been a few days since he was discharged, but he knows that he's a mess, barely eating and sleeping, propelled onward only by his determination to help Saeran.

Honestly? I expected this. The way he gives more shit to Saeran's wellbeing than his own, while understandable considering what they've been through as children, still makes me want to scold him (gently). The parentification runs deep in Saeyoung's blood and existence. Oh, Saeyoung... he needs to know that he's just as treasured and important as much as his brother too.

Saeyoung is no stranger to anger. He was raised on it, a resource more plentiful than food or comfort ever was in his house. He breathed it in and let it take hold, learned to turn it back on the people around him without a moment's notice. It was the only way to survive in his world.

This is such a delicious description of the anger he felt at his core, and how it shape his perspective on how he sees the world in overall. It reminds me of this one quote: When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. Probably the reason why his first instinct to be angry to survive. It's horrible enough that he inherited his father's eyes (and overall looks), his anger also was taught by his mother's own rage towards him and Saeran's existence. He's truly his parents child, whether he likes it or not. Their traits embedded into his flesh and that's why he's scared of what he'll become without that familiar burning feelings.

He even reluctantly keeps his distance from you for fear of what might happen if you try to get through to him. If there's anyone who will see through the mess he has become, he knows it's you. After the life he had promised you, he feels like this version of him would be a disappointment to you.

Of course, he would turn to the only coping mechanism he knows: isolation. Granted, he's still trying to learn how to let people into his life. But between dealing with the agency, Saeran's unstable state, V's death and high possibility of their father discovering them, he's got a lot in his plate to even consider the healthier options of opening up to his own lover. He can't hurt anyone with his rage if he isolate himself, he don't have to deal with the very emotions that threatened to explode out of his chest if he keep everything in. It's up to MC on how to coax him out of the fortress he build for years and deal with his anger, slowly but surely.

Promise Me One Thing

Part one of Don't Say My Name

Part 2 | Part 3 | Masterlist | Read on AO3 (Registered users only)

✦ Saeyoung x gn!Reader

✦ Words: 2840

✦ TW: Death mention

You remember his fury when you ran into V just a few days ago outside the compound. Anger had transformed him into a stranger. But you also remember the fondness in his voice as he talked about their history over the phone. His dedication, his appreciation. Were a few days of discoveries enough to undo all of that history?

For as long as you have known him, Saeyoung has never been able to sit still. There is always an undercurrent of nervous energy running through him – a side effect of having to grow up the way he did – keeping him alert at all times. You can see it in the nervous tap-tap-tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel as he drives, in his endless pacing, in the way he fidgets with your hand or plays with your hair while you’re close to him. Even in his sleep, he tosses and turns and mumbles incoherent sentences.

So, seeing him asleep at the hospital now is equal parts fascinating and unnerving. He is lying almost perfectly still, propped up on a few pillows, his breathing deep and even. It’s different to how he looked immediately after surgery – pale and bruised, like fighting to stay alive for that long had drained everything out of him. Now, he looks like he’s at peace. His skin has got most of its colour back, his lips are slightly pursed, his expression is serene. He’s beautiful and alive. You couldn’t ask for anything more.  

You treasure every second of peace he can get, because with the news you still have to deliver, you know it’s going to be short-lived. You had reassured Jumin that you would tell Saeyoung about everything that had happened at Mint Eye, if only to not make him relive it again. A light had gone out in Jumin, and you know it was taking him all his strength to handle everything else at the hospital.

When he first woke up from the anaesthetic, you gave Saeyoung a short version of what happened at Mint Eye, enough to give him context and reassure him, not enough to shock him (the nurse had sternly reminded you that he was still in a fragile state and needed rest). You told him that Jumin had rescued you not long after he passed out, that Saeran is in care in the same hospital. But even being half-conscious couldn’t stop him from being suspicious. He had heard the tone of Jumin’s voice, flat and monotone, from behind his door, and could see the weariness in your eyes. Even Vanderwood, on their brief visit, had been acting oddly. He tried to keep asking questions, but he was barely able to keep his eyes open. You encouraged him to take the painkillers he was given and promised that you would answer whatever questions he wanted to ask after he rested.

You had been spending the time he was asleep thinking through the events at Mint Eye over and over again, trying to string your words together the right way.

It’s not that you don’t remember. The memory of it is all there, a slideshow that plays every time you close your eyes.

The deadly glint of light catching on the gun. The shrill desperate shouts of someone whose reality has shattered. Saeran clinging onto the gun like it is the last thing that will save him. Saeyoung’s head on your lap, his blood warm and sticky on your hands as you and Vanderwood try to protect him from the crowd. 

Then the bang. The ringing silence after. The gasp of realization, of a bullet finding home. A soft ‘oh’.

A breath you didn’t realize you were holding. The thud of a body hitting the carpet, and then the screaming that never seems to end.

A part of you is still there, you’re sure of it. Reliving it over and over.

The problem is that you cannot gauge how Saeyoung is going to react to the news. You remember his fury when you ran into V just a few days ago outside the compound. Then the disgust on his face as he kicked him in the cell, over and over as you could do nothing but watch and beg him to stop. Anger had transformed him into a stranger. He seemed almost younger in those moments, funnelling years of frustration into every movement and word.

But you also remember the fondness in his voice as he talked about their history over the phone. His dedication, his appreciation. Were a few days of discoveries enough to undo all of that history?

There is only one way to find out, and you are about to, because you can see his eyelashes fluttering.

There is some relief in seeing him open his eyes again. He returns to you, waking up part by part like one of his little creations powering up. He smiles at you softly, and there's something there that's saying I can't believe you're still here with me.

“Good morning, Sunshine,” you say affectionately.

“Hi.” His voice is raspy with sleep and disuse. He seems content. You wonder what he was dreaming of.

You wonder how long it will last.

Already he starts to shuffle around. You help him sit up properly, offer him some water to drink. He eyes the bandages on his arm warily and reaches for your hand with his free one to distract himself from it. As you fill him in on who has come to visit and give him updates on Saeran’s situation, he taps his fingers against your knuckles. By the time you finish, he is more alert and you know that he’s itching to ask you about what you’re not telling him. It’s a wonder he has even waited this long. Maybe a part of him wanted to hang on to this peace for a little while longer too.

But now the knowledge that there is something that he is missing is eating away at him, filling his mind with terrible scary ideas. You can see it; his smile is fading and he is distracted even as he listens to you talk. It is the guilt of a protector who put down his weapons for just a second to rest and feels like he has failed the people he has sworn to take care of.

No doubt the things he is coming up with are convoluted and awful. It would be kinder to tell him the truth now. To stop him from worrying.

You squeeze his hand gently to draw his attention back to you.

“Saeyoung, there is something you need to know about what happened at Mint Eye, while you were… unconscious.” Hands sticky with blood, his body helpless in your arms. “Stop me if you need a moment.”

He sits up straighter, braces himself for bad news. You decide to start with the facts first, the most important part. The details can come in time, when he can handle it.

“There was an altercation at Mint Eye, before Jumin and his team arrived. V… was shot. He’s... dead.”

It comes out clumsy, your voice wobbles.

- The gasp of realization, of a bullet finding home. The thud of a body hitting the carpet. The screaming that never seems to end -

But this is not the time to get caught up in the memories. Saeyoung has gone still again. This is different to the stillness of sleep. He is frozen stiff and his jaw is clenched. It looks unnatural on him. He swallows visibly, and it takes him a second to find what he wants to say.

“He’s really… not like last time…?”

You shake your head. “I saw him myself. It’s real. The others are planning his funeral already.”

He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, his expression still blank. It’s not like at the apartment, when he was trying to process the reality of Saeran’s situation. There, fear and confusion were painted clearly on his face. Every movement was jittery, every word came out sharp because he was scared. It sounds like this news has taken something from him – or maybe changed something in him.

He isn’t looking at you. His eyes are blank and unfocused, aimed at the black TV screen opposite his bed.

“Saeyoung?"

“How did it happen?” His voice is monotone. It’s not that he actually cares, but that that he needs to know.

So much for waiting until he’s ready. The best thing you can do for him now is give him the full truth.

“There was chaos after you passed out. Saeran… he had his gun out. I’m not sure what he was thinking, he was shouting and trying to defend himself from all those people.” You stop and suppress a shudder.

If it’s possible, at the mention of Saeran’s name, Saeyoung grows stiller. Like a rubber band pulled taut, about to snap. His attention is fully on you. He can piece the rest of the story together, but he needs you to say it anyway, to make it true.

“It went off, and V jumped in front of the bullet.”

He squeezes his eyes shut like he is fighting off a headache.

“Who knows about this?”

“Only Jumin. He hasn’t told the others the… circumstances of V’s death yet.”

“Good.”

You don’t like this stillness in him. It’s like he’s about to shatter at any moment.

“What are you thinking?”

“…I’m not sure.”

But you can see it, even if he can't yet. The clenched jaw, his grip on your hand. The way his entire body has gone still. It's defeat, and in his defeat, there's anger.

You remember his frustrated pacing in the apartment as he waited for V to pick up his calls. The muttering under his breath, all the questions that were building up. Then, when he saw him at the compound, the questions he spat at him. Questions he punctuated with each kick in the basement. Over and over again, anguish and fury flowing out of him like he was an open wound. Why? How could you? What the hell happened?

His life had fallen apart in the span of a week. Of course he was angry. He had bloodied his hands for someone who had been lying to him all along. He had only told you some of the things he had been forced to do at the agency, but it was enough for you to understand. A part of him had been lost forever when he chose to become Seven Zero Seven.

Then there was Saeran. Hurt beyond recognition, exploited and abused in ways that Saeyoung was supposed to be protecting him from. What was the point of it all?

"What about her?" He says suddenly, his voice sharp. You don't have to ask who he's referring to.

"Rika is... I'm not sure. She was brought to this hospital, but she isn't really... speaking at the moment."

"Not speaking?"

"Jumin said they diagnosed her with something called aphasia? Ever since V... she hasn't said anything."

And like that, he shuts off completely. His last hope for answers, for accountability has gone silent.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Saeyoung?"

He softens, if only slightly.

"Can you please... stay?"

Stay? The thought of leaving his room, let alone the hospital hadn't even occurred to you.

"Of course."

He relaxes a little bit - there is still some tightness in his jaw - but the stillness stays with him. He doesn't fidget, doesn't try to get up, he just sits resting against the pillows of his bed staring out of the window. You know his mind is miles away, trying to fit these new pieces of his life together, trying to process the blow he has just been dealt.

Trying not to let the anger consume him completely.

˚　.˚　　　　✦ 　　　 ˚. 　˚

The soft tapping of footsteps and murmurs of doctors as they walk down the hall. The opening tune to some sitcom rerun playing on one of the TVs. People arguing behind the closed doors of a patient room. The smell of antiseptic and the creaky plastic chairs.

If hell exists, Saeyoung thinks, it’s a hospital waiting room. After all the hours he has spent here between visiting hours, he should know.

He sits slumped in one of those awful chairs, head in his hands. He must look like a wreck to anybody passing – the doctors certainly didn’t hide their disapproval – but he doesn’t care. He hasn’t had the presence of mind to make sure he looks presentable. It has only been a few days since he was discharged, but he knows that he's a mess, barely eating and sleeping, propelled onward only by his determination to help Saeran.

Today’s visit hadn’t gone well. He couldn’t be in the room for more than a few minutes before Saeran started threatening to hurt him. Saeyoung was more scared that he would hurt himself. He left quickly after that with a quick reminder that he’d be back tomorrow.

The doctors are getting increasingly impatient with both of them and he isn’t sure what to do about it. He plays nice for them, smiles placidly and thanks them again (for what exactly, he’s not sure) in the hopes that they’ll take pity on them and hold off on any drastic plans for just a little bit longer.

The whole charade makes him want to scream.

But he doesn't. Instead, that anger and frustration builds up inside him, as it has been for the past few days (weeks? months? years?). He doesn't see a way out of it.

Saeyoung is no stranger to anger. He was raised on it, a resource more plentiful than food or comfort ever was in his house. He breathed it in and let it take hold, learned to turn it back on the people around him without a moment's notice. It was the only way to survive in his world. And there was a lot to be angry at. His mother and father, for having him and his brother and then failing them both so spectacularly. At the agency for his endless stream of work. At the world, for putting even the kindest people through pain.

It takes physical effort nowadays, to keep from breaking apart. He has to walk away, has to hold his breath, has to keep his body tense. He has to, because if he lets go for even a second, even he isn't sure what the fallout will be. All he knows is that it will be messy, destructive. If he starts screaming, he may not stop. He cannot afford to lose it. Not yet. Saeran needs him. You need him (or is that one the other way around?).

There is also a part of him (however reluctant he may be to admit it) that is scared of what will be left of him without that anger.

These visits are all he has the energy for. Even after detoxing and the little treatment he has allowed, Saeran is thin and pale, all bones and bruises, the opposite of that smiling boy from the pictures that Saeyoung had come to associate with his brother. When he isn’t staring out of his hospital room window at the clouds, he’s screaming and lashing out at the people around him. When the doctors listed off all the drugs they found in his system, Saeyoung had to leave the room to avoid breaking something.

He doesn't recognise himself anymore. He has worn many masks, but even he cannot find a trace of himself in this stranger with the clenched jaw and empty eyes that looks back at him from the mirror.

He cannot stand to be near the RFA for very long amounts of time. Their grief makes him itch; their pity makes his blood boil. They have been walking on eggshells around him, much the same as they have been with Jumin. Neither of them appreciates it much, if Saeyoung's observations are anything to go by. Jumin is absent, inexpressive. Drunk, more often than not, he reckons. He wonders if he resents V too for throwing himself in front of that bullet.

He even reluctantly keeps his distance from you for fear of what might happen if you try to get through to him. If there's anyone who will see through the mess he has become, he knows it's you. After the life he had promised you, he feels like this version of him would be a disappointment to you.

God, he thinks. How did they end up here?

You will have to say goodbye to Saeran. Rika and I will take care of him. We'll make sure we save him.

Saeran had thrown the TV remote at Saeyoung’s head as he was about to leave the room. It would have hit him if Saeran’s hands weren’t shaking so much from withdrawals. He wishes it had.

We really want the two of you to be happy.

Right. Look where they ended up. This is happy.

He isn't sure how much time has passed when he finally stands up from the waiting room chair and leaves the hospital. He robotically drives himself home, returns to his desk, and sits in silence. He will probably sit here until he cannot keep his eyes open any longer.

[princessjung]

Parallels

Both Saeyoung and Saeran have been apart for so long to the point of having to ask other people (MC and Vanderwood respectively) about their other half, mainly because they don't know each other the way they used to anymore...

V's After Ending:

Saeran's After Ending:

Also, don't think about how they both lost their trust in V in their respective route by saying the almost exact same thing to him.

Saeyoung's route:

Saeran's After Ending:

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk angst edition 🙏🏻

[princessjung]

When it comes to how similar I would act to the MC in Saeran's AE, I think we're pretty much on the same page for the most part. I love how we as MC are given the opportunity to be snarky, bitter and resentful towards Rika and V! I remember seeing the options for the first time and thought, "Damn, Cheritz really allowed this kind of response intead of the typical kind and understanding ones? I love this." Because trust me, in comparison to... basically the entire route of the others, this is the closest we've ever get to express our anger and true feelings to them all.

And as much as I love Saeran, I don't have a strong self-sacrificial trait on me to stubbornly stay with him when he told me about the plan. Therefore, I would reason and plead with him over and over again to reconsider his plan until that very last night at the lake, maybe even more desperately than MC. I really want to stay with him but I'm also aware that I don't have any brilliant idea of my own to escape together. So I would reluctantly follow through the plan before coming back to him again. I supposed that's why I feel so helpless and upset with him in the first place.

However, I think what would lead me to bad ending is the fact I wouldn't follow V in day 4 💀Listen, I already have deep-rooted trust issues and by the amount of betrayal I felt towards him throughout the entire AE, I don't think his "trust me dude" card would work on me anymore.

Absolutely, there are moments when MC can say it like it is, but they're in chat rooms and I understand some people might want those to be in visual novels instead of the chat rooms. There are plenty of instances of MC saying what they feel verbatim to Rika during Ray Route, too.

I remember one in particular after Suit Saeran tells you there’s nothing he can do to save you since Rika won’t listen to him, where you get to tell her over and over again that she is abusing Saeran. MC doesn't mince words with her. Not once can I remember an instance where we are not given the opportunity to tell her she is in the wrong.

I don't think you have to trust V, I think you just need to give him the benefit of the doubt. You have to trust your gut, and sometimes that means doing something you know might not end well, and since you know deep down he knows all of this is wrong, maybe, just maybe he's realized that this isn't okay.

You know he spoke to Saeran. That means you have to trust your gut and know that if he spoke to him, maybe, just maybe, he got through to him in some way. 

That's how I see it.