private-public-diary

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Why don't they just put a wig on Joey Batey and let him play both Geralt and Jaskier

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i guess some people are not meant to be loved. I am people.

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When i love someone i’ll do anything to spend more time with them. I don’t care if its raining I’ll go on a walk with you! I don’t care if i need to wake up early tomorrow I’ll talk with you on the phone until sunrise! It doesn’t matter if I’m not interested in art I’ll listen to you talk about it for hours. But what hurts the most is that i don’t think i will ever find someone who feels the same. I want to feel loved and wanted but i know i it’s foolish of me to expect them to put me first.

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I hate myself for letting myself get fooled again. I thought this time was different. I thought for the first time i was not in love with the idea of him but with the person he was. But i was wrong. Once again i created the perfect scenario in my head and got disappointed when he stopped following my script.

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Just a reminder to everyone out there who is in love to not give everything you have for that person. Yes love them as much as you want but always keep a part of your heart for yourself because if everything else gets broken you will always have something to come back to.

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- i want to die but I’m a coward

- only a brave person would keep on fighting

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I started watching the rings of power with very low expectations and i can say i am pleasantly surprised. Idk why everyone is complaining about every minor detail. Yes the characters don’t look like they did in the old movies but so what. Its a series not a documentary. I feel like people just watch it to complain about it and be blatantly racist. To me it felt like a well made modern version of lotr. It might not be 100% like the books but i still thought the plot was really interesting. Also i don’t get why people suddenly want to boycott this series because amazon made it, what about all the other amazon productions that no one complained about? Like it doesn’t make sense, amazon is not going to care whether some people disagree with the length of the hair of the elves.

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How do people reach out to others when they are not feeling well? Like just the thought of sharing my thoughts with someone else is making me sick. And how do you even start the conversation? Hey im feeling like shit could i talk to you? And say what? Idk why im having the fifth breakdown of the day because i cant find the right top to wear.

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I started watching tsitp waiting to ship conrad and belly but i just fell of jere instead, like idc who belly ends up with i just want him to be happy. When he said how come no one wants to play with me, you could see that be meant it. He was there for everyone, trying to please them and keep them happy, but in reality he was lonely. He seems so confident but he is just trying to cover up his insecurities. I really hope his story has a good ending.

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Sometimes i wonder if i am not meant to be loved. Is it how i look, how i act or even worse my personality?

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I want to cry until my eyes turn puffy. I want to cry until i forget the reason i was crying for. I want to be numb inside. I want to feel something and nothing at the same time.

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Dan appreciation post

this is a bit of a wishy washy post but this is my dan howell appreciation post because he is a brilliant human being who deserves the world. one of the best things i think hes ever done is writing you will get through this night. so all this started back when he released the book. i was super excited a book like that kind was being published because it is a brilliant book that not only helps people find their coping mechanisms but has sections delegated to crisis situations, when you are feeling really distressed and sections about finding ways to deal with your thoughts and feelings during a period when you are feeling a bit better. and all this is written by a person who has been through a difficult situation so you feel safe while reading it and be able to realise that other people have been through something similar to what you are feeling right now. and what is amazing about this book is that he consulted specialists while writing this book because he knew how vulnerable poeple are and the impact his words could have on their conditions. now when i bought this book it was more because i was interested in reading about his experience and i also had an interest for the medical aspect of it. i never thought i would end up reading it for my own mental health. so a few months go by and i have bought this book for my firend, i have talked about it to others and have actually read most of it. but as you can imagine although it is full of dan’s humour and sarcastic remarks it is not the most feel-good book one can read. fast-forward a few months later and i reach the lowest point in my life. i felt like i was trapped and there was no way for me to escape life. i was extremely stressed but i couldn’t take a break and what was really killing me inside was the fact that the cause of the stress was something i had worked really hard to achieve. i couldn’t understand how the process of pursuing my dream could cause me so much distress and misery. i started doubting myself, my abilities and my choices. i was keeping everyhting inside, crying myself to sleep and for the first time in my life i thought there might be a way to end all this. i genuienly thought i would not get through that night. and that was a big shock to me. i always thought that no matter how difficult things got i would never have thoughts like this. fortunately when the stress factors went away i started feeling better and after a couple of months i could say i was actually happy again. now before reading dan’s book i would have brushed this over and continued living my life the way i did without doing anything about it althoug it was crystal clear to me that i did not have any healthy coping mechanisms. for example during my depressive period i never once read dan’s book, as if i did not want myself to feel or get any better. what a dumb little shit i was. but we should not blame ourselves. anyway i started reading you will get through this night again and i have such a big appreciation for this book now and of course dan because it has helped me heal so much! so i just wanted to say thank you to dan, from someone who hasnt ever commented much on his videos but has a huge appreciation of him and all the genius things he creates.

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This is going to hurt actually hurt a lot. Like I couldn't stop crying for an hour a lot and I don't know if this I because I sort of saw myself in them or because it is just an awfully sad series. Being a medical student is hard and scary anyway but this series made me realise how much people working in healthcare suffer. And unfortunately they suffer silently because they need to be perfect and showing your feelings is apparently a weakness. I could see myself in Shruti, as a person who overthinks everything someone tells them and who seeks validation in others I felt my dreams crushing watching her. I wondered whether I would end up feeling suffocated like her or whether my friends would, and it crushed me. No one sacrificing so much in order to help others should be left without support fighting a broken system. And if this supports doesn't come from the government it should at least come from our colleagues. I just want to give a big hug to everyone working in the NHS because yall are the coolest!

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I wasn't feeling so well today but for some reason I didn't want to talk to a friend or a family member, it was one of those moments that you just want a stranger to listen to your thoughts. So I found a website that let's you talk to strangers about your concerns. I got connected to someone and they asked me what my problem was so although I was scared to open up to a stranger I mustered the courage and talked to them honestly about my feelings. I didn't expect them to solve my problems or give me advice, I just wanted someone to listen to my stupid thoughts. Although my expectations were low I was really surprised by what they said. That person started attacking me by saying these thoughts are my fault and that I can control my mind so I am stupid for having these feelings. I was really shocked when I read that, how could you tell a person who is going through a difficult time that it is their fault for feeling a certain way? Mental health is not something that one can easily control and conditions related to it are not a joke. When a person is reaching out, that's when they're the most vulnerable and sentences like that can actually break them. It is never your fault for feeling a certain way! No one has the power to control their minds even if that person claimed that, that was the case. The fact that this person could be out there crashing the hopes of people who just wanted a listening ear is frightening. But as I got angry at that person I realised that I felt sorry for them, they needed to talk to someone more than I did because that is not a healthy way to think about your feelings and thoughts. So I just hope that this person starts to love themselves a bit more in order not to hurt more people. Even quick interactions like that can have a big impact on someone so it is better to be careful with our words regarding subjects as sensitive as this.

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I feel like I'm drowning but I'm not underwater.

I feel like I'm falling but I'm on the ground.

I feel like I'm dying but I'm alive.

Am I living my life or did I settle for less?

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Well we kinda knew that youth of may wasn't going to have the happiest ending but did the writers have to make me cry my eyes out. However if we excuse the fact that I'm an emotional wreck who doesn't have the ability to feel anymore I think this kind of ending was very suitable for the drama and cathartic for the characters.

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i got the sudden urge to define my luck because i always thought she was an interesting b*tch.

i’m not considered particularly lucky (i’m very far from that) but im not completely unlucky either. For example if there is an incidence that could make me miss my train i’ll miss it 90% of the times but, at the same time, if i’m playing a game that requires an element of luck to win i’ll probably win. 

However, my luck is definitely a b*tch and in fact she is a sadist gambler one.

What i mean by that is that she will make me suffer all sort of inconveniences until i reach the point where i say ‘please just kill me off’ and then she realises that ‘oh i won’t be able to watch her suffer if she dies’ and then she pulls all the tricks she has up her sleeve to somehow save the situation.

Now the gambling part is pretty self-explanatory, she enjoys a bit of card games where she can test her abilities to their fullest. And although that sounds cool ,because who doesn’t like winning, i hate it most of the times as it makes me look obnoxious and everyone hates me for always winning.

So miss luck please be a bit more considerate of me. Thanks.