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I’m always waiting.

Living for the hope of it all.

For the day you return.

Because I know you will.

You’ll realize that we’re meant to be.

So I’ll do what I can to make that day come sooner.

And I hope.

And I pray.

That when you return, it won’t be too late.

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Text me when you realize that you can’t be happy without me.

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All I do is wait for death and all I get is disappointment.

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The horrifying ordeal of being known vs. the gut wrenching loneliness of being unknown.

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I think the most pathetic part of this is that I would have given up my very identity for you.

In every form, my every mannerism, my hobbies, my favourite things, my lifestyle, even who I AM as a person…

and I would have done it willingly.

I would have done it with joy, if it had been for you.

If it would have made you happy.

If it would have made you stay.

If it would have made you keep loving me.

[problematic-poetess]

Peanut Butter Cups

I ate a peanut butter cup today.

It made me think of you.

I was brought back to watching our show in bed together.

All curled up and cuddling.

Something I once loved.

It now holds so much pain to me.

Biting into it filled me with sadness and nostalgia that brought tears to my eyes.

Each bite was like being transported back to a memory.

And with each one, my healing heart broke a little bit more.

It hurts.

I don’t think I can eat them anymore.

And I don’t know whats worse.

The fact that I love them and can’t eat them without having to swallow around the lump in my throat….

Or that I want to eat them anyways because it’s the last I have of you.

[problematic-poetess]

Not Okay

I hate it when people ask me if I’m okay.

Of course I’m not okay.

You left.

You’re gone.

And with you, everything I love.

No I’m not okay.

You won’t even acknowledge my existence.

Did all this time mean nothing to you?

Were you just pretending?

You must have been.

Because if you felt the way I do, you would never put me through what you did.

Does knowing me more lead to loving me less?

Maybe.

Maybe I was right all those years ago.

Maybe I was right to hide who I was and just try to fit in.

Maybe “being yourself” is the kind of advice that stupid people give to other stupid people.

Because being myself has done nothing but draw people in long enough for me to love them, and then forced me to sit there and watch as they leave.

I don’t know if true love exists anymore.

Is unrequited love the only kind of love I’m ever destined to know?

True love just fleeting moments, there to tempt me and then pull the rug out from underneath me at the last second?

Waiting until I feel secure enough to let myself truly believe that maybe I had found my soul mate, just to destroy me in the most painful way imaginable.

It gets worse every day.

You said to give you time and I tried.

It’s been almost a month since you left and you haven’t come back yet.

I don’t want to think that you’re not.

I have to believe that you’ll come back eventually.

Because the day that I accept you aren’t ever coming back, is the day I take my life.

You gave me a reason to live, when I never had one.

I finally began to believe that maybe, life was worth living after all.

My life was worth living if it was with you by my side.

And then my reason to live left me without a second glance.

Left as if I meant nothing.

So I need to believe you’re going through something.

I need to believe that you need time to heal and that you’ll be back.

I NEED to think that because if I don’t, then I know this isn’t worth it.

That life isn’t worth the pain.

So I’ll wait.

I just pray that you’ll be back, before it’s too late.

So no.

I’m not okay.

I’ll never be okay.

Not without you.

[problematic-poetess]

Ignorance is bliss

They say it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all but…

They’re wrong.

How can they say that, when they also say ignorance is bliss?

To have loved and lost means forever being pained by everything around you, because you will find that which you love in everything you see.

Even when you don’t want to be reminded.

Especially when you don’t want to be reminded.

Memory is agony, and nostalgia is my enemy.

But both are inescapable, and thus so is my pain.

[problematic-poetess]

Don’t forget

Don’t you dare forget that you loved me. Everything I did for you.

Everything my family did for you.

Don’t you dare forget how loved you were.

Don’t you dare forget that I would have done anything and everything you possibly wanted me to do just to make you happy.

Don’t you dare forget that I would have loved you with my whole entire heart until the day I died, and you threw me away over text three days before our anniversary.

Don’t you dare forget how much you hurt me.

Don’t you dare forget that you ruined me.

The me that I spent years of fighting through pain to become.

The me that was finally healing, and destroyed me.

Don’t you dare forget everything we did, everything we said.

Everything YOU said.

Don’t you dare ever call me crazy because YOU gave me these expectations for the outcome of our relationship.

YOU said you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your life with me.

YOU said you wanted to marry me.

YOU said you wanted me to be your wife.

You said you would be there for me at my best and my worst, but here you are, hiding behind turned off read receipts, and pretending you feel nothing for the person who would have done ANYTHING for you.

Don’t you dare pretend you don’t know that I would have been there for you in any and every moment you needed me.

Don’t you dare forget that while you were playing video games with your friends, I was SOBBING in my bed, praying to a god that I don’t even believe in just to bring you back to me.

Don’t you dare forget that while I was in agony and begging whatever higher power may exist to end my life, you were ignoring my pleas to just answer a fucking text.

Don’t you dare forget that you threw away the woman that the universe sent you as a gift to bring you joy and purpose, and absolutely destroyed her in every possible way.

I will never stop loving you.

But I will never forget the way you treated me, no matter how hard I try.

All the betrayal and pain in my life in my past is nothing compared to this.

Don’t you dare forget that.

Don’t you dare forget the way you broke me.

Don’t you dare forget that I loved you.

Don’t you dare forget that you loved me.

Don’t you dare forget that you threw away the best thing you were ever given.

The best thing you ever will be given.

Don’t you dare.

[problematic-poetess]

False Hope

Every time i hear the dogs bark, I’m stupid enough to have the hope that maybe,

you’re here.

That maybe, just maybe, they’re barking at your car pulling up to the curb.

Like they used to.

Every little noise outside my window prompts me to jump up and whip the curtains open,

just in case it’s you.

I must have dedicated my life itself to heartbreak and misery, because I condemn myself to disappointment to continue doing this despite the fact that I KNOW you won’t be there.

I keep hoping that you’ll show up at my door, with flowers and tears in your eyes, and an apology that would put all hollywood writers to shame.

But I know you won’t be there.

I know that you don’t ever want to drive up to that curb again.

I know you don’t ever want to walk up the driveway again.

I know you don’t ever want to bring me flowers again.

Because you don’t ever want to come over again.

You don’t ever want to see me again.

You don’t ever want to speak to me again.

You don’t ever want to love me again.

And because of this, I don’t know if I will ever want to live again.

-mc

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Without You

I don’t want to be alive.

I feel like ill never be happy again.

My life has no meaning if i am not yours.

I have no future if it is not with you.

All i want in life is to be yours.

I am shattered.

Broken.

Crushed.

My heart lies in ruins.

I cannot put it back together by myself.

I gave you my heart.

You cared for it.

Loved it.

Made me feel safe.

Became my home.

My safe space.

And then suddenly.

Without warning.

You ripped your love away from me and managed to appear as if i never meant anything to you to begin with.

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am nothing without you.

All my heart and soul belong to you.

So i pray.

Though i haven’t truly prayed in over a decade.

That you will come back to me.

Because my life has no meaning without you.

I don’t want to live if my life is not with you.

Please.

Bring me back to life.

[problematic-poetess]

Love Letters

You are my reason to live on days when I have none.

You hold my heart, my future, my very life in your hands, and yet I feel completely secure.

With you, I know that Im safe, in a way I’ve never known before.

With you, I am at home in any place, so long as I have you by my side.

You bring the light into my life on my darkest of days.

I find you in everything I love, for you are the greatest joy I’ve ever known.

I love you with every atom of my being.

Every beat of my heart is a song that goes out to you, and you alone.

You are my home.

You are my heart.

You are my soul mate.

You are my everything.

-mc

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You were my person.

You are my person.

You’ll always be my person.

The person i could say anything and everything to.

You were unparalleled.

You were amazing to me in every way.

you were my best-friend.

You are my best-friend.

I’ll never stop imagining what life would be like if you were here.

I’ll never stop wishing you were here.

I’ll never stop remembering every second we spent together.

I’ll never stop loving you.

I’ll never stop missing you.