punkkbeauty94 - Tumblr blog

[punkkbeauty94]

Escapandome de ti

Razor blades. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Anything to just numb and dumb me down. Something bad. Something good. Something to silence my emotions. Something to silence my doubts. Something to silence my fears and worries. I can’t deal with all this shit. I don’t want to feel. I can’t do this. I don’t want this particular life. I don’t want this stupid mindset. I need a break. Break from everyone, everything and myself. I need an escape. I need to feel numb. I just don’t want to deal with you. Best thing to do is escape.

No quiero sentir. No quiero estar muriendome de adentro del alma. En este momento no quiero quebrar mi propio corazon. Es mejor de escaparme de ti.

[punkkbeauty94]

Him

Maybe I am wrong to feel like this. Maybe I was wrong to agree to this. I should have waited. Maybe I am selfish. Of course I am. I want every part of him to be mine. It was wrong to fall for someone when I was at my most vulnerable stage in my life. Coming out of a toxic relationship to someone making you feel beautiful but never be there for me...ever. Knowing perfectly well he loves someone else. Knowing perfectly well I WILL NEVER BE HER. I can’t be yours when it’s convenient for you. I don’t want to be your dirty little secret. It was fun at first but now not so sure. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t love back. I can’t be the one doing all the loving. I can’t put all my energy into someone that doesn’t do it back. I don’t need half ass love...especially one that has “never been loved”or “has loved before”. I know what it’s like to love so much and it to not be reciprocated. If you don’t want me... I don’t want you either. Be a man and tell me. I’m no stranger to being heartbroken. I’m used to being second best. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I’m used to being alone. I’m used to not feeling worthy. I’m waiting for you to break my heart. Take me out of my misery already. Join the club of ex lovers. Please.

[punkkbeauty94]

Feels so nice to finally be able to breathe. Someone finally gets it. Someone finally understand what it feels like to feel like me. I had waited long and hard to finally hear I am not crazy and you will get through this. I really needed that. Funny how you knew exactly what I needed at that moment. Thank you for sharing your struggles and shining light on how to better myself. Thank you so much for not being judgmental. Also for being there for me, simply as a motivator rather than an aggitator.

[punkkbeauty94]

I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could just talk to a man, be friends with him and just have a platonic relationship. This started off as platonic, then a crush and now I am incredibly in love with him. Being a hopeless romantic sucks. He came to me, yet I feel like he's too scared to love me. Or doesn't want to love me. I'm the only one falling in love. I wish I didn't have to read between the lines. It's either you want me or not. Why is he so complicated? Why do I want him? Why does he want me? Why do I love him?

[punkkbeauty94]

Bipolar, depression, anxiety are all things that were part of me for eight years. I shared my life with a toxic love beside me for four and a half. I was there for all the ups and downs for both. They left me and I was left with a broken heart and spirit. But my illnesses stayed with me. The sad part is it was me I should have taken care of. I needed the love and the help. In bed they'd say I love you and I will always be there. After bedroom bliss, the "being the support system" they said "get over it" and "it's all in your head" and my favorite "stop being like this I don't want someone negative." That's not help. That's not toughing me up. That's not love. Tough love is bullshit. I was bullshitting myself was to think this was help. I spent long nights overthinking. Thinking. Thinking what was wrong with me. I didn't wanna be around anymore. I figured ending my life would make it easier. Easy isn't always better. I chose to live. Never thought I'd make it past my teens. Living is my trigger.

[punkkbeauty94]

Ever since that day, I have felt so numb. Numb in the sense that nothing makes me smile anymore. I don't know how I feel anymore. I'm afraid to get close to anyone because I can never keep them. Seeing you for that last time, resting peacefully made me realize how much better you are not being in pain anymore. But it also meant that I would always be missing a special piece of my heart for the rest of my life. That's a void I will never be able to fill. Never being able to see you smile ever again hurts my soul. Not being there for you one last time makes me sick to my stomach. I failed you. I will forever carry that. The guilt eats me alive at night. I'm sorry.

[punkkbeauty94]

You know that moment when you hit yourself on something hard and hit your funny bone? Ever wanted to have someone just have a taste of it and have them feel it? That's what I want someone to know what goes through my mind...