rancidkittenn - Tumblr blog

[rancidkittenn]

all homeless people deserve housing

[rancidkittenn]

Journal #2 (21.02.22 / 11:57 PM)

Hey Tumblr. It's been a long time since I've used this blog. Almost a year. The last post that wasn't a reblog was in July of 2021. A lot has happened since then. I left an abusive relationship, got into a happpier, healthy one. Made friends, lost friends. Apologised to my abuser's ex, who tried so desperately to get me out of that situation, to which I ignored and tossed him aside wrongfully. I've sorted stuff out with school finally. I take my mock exams tomorrow morning. I'm not at all prepared. Most importantly, this guy I'm with now - I think he's the One. I think that's probably my BPD and OLD talking, but still. It just feels right. I've never felt like this with someone before. Not even "Luv". Can't believe I gave her that nickname. We'll call my current muse "Tree". That's an in-joke that only me and him would get. He's just so goddamn perfect. I haven't talked to him at all today and I feel really bad about it. I don't want him to think that I don't care or something. I've just been so busy and stressed. I miss him so much. I finally get to see him tomorrow though, I'm going to give him so many hugs. I might even walk to school and see if I can meet him there. He's amazing. So damn amazing. I've never, in my entire life, felt like this about someone. At least not consistently anyway. He's really something else. I can't imagine a world without him in it. I think I'll love him forever. And I think I'm okay with that. I'm going to listen to his voice messages before going to sleep, his voice is so soothing. It makes me feel safe and warm and like I'm never going to be hurt ever again. I swear I'm going to hang onto this boy forever. I never want this feeling to end. He's just perfection. It's like loving an ethereal being. And his eyes. God, his eyes. His perfect, beautiful eyes. Such a pretty swirl of browns and chocolates. He has these little lighter streaks in his eyes, like pieces of sunlight pressed into his soul. I've never met such a beautiful boy. I've never met such a beautiful soul. I think I'll feel like this forever. So, so fucking pretty. So fucking perfect. My perfect tree boy ❤️ I'm going to go listen to his perfect honey-sweet voice now, and fall asleep, thinking about being wrapped up warm in his arms, soft, and loved, and eternal. Goodnight Tumblr🎀

[rancidkittenn]

i want you to know how much pain i'm in. i want you to see how much pain i'm in. but then i think that that's manipulative. and then i shame myself for thinking something so manipulative. which only makes my pain worse. and then i want you to know how much pain i'm in. i want you t-

[rancidkittenn]

082520

[rancidkittenn]

Courage to run away.

[rancidkittenn]

i wish there was a way to say “i’m not asexual but the idea of someone having that much power over me makes me feel so scared and sick that i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to have sex” without sounding like a freak

[rancidkittenn]

please save me.

[rancidkittenn]

Dark angel of filth, deliver me from evil, won't you?

[rancidkittenn]

Okay but people with bpd and similar disorders with dependency issues/separation insecurity aren’t going to “threaten suicide to manipulate you into staying” however they legitimately may get suicidal, or start self harming or relapse or literally anything, as a result of the emotional damage we often inflict on ourself as a result of what we precieve as abandonment, it has very little to do with you so stop making us out to be abusive monsters, especially if you don’t suffer anything close to the internal hell we have to live through daily, you will never understand and it’s insulting to try to speak for us.

[rancidkittenn]

Happy fucking Father’s Day, Dad.

[rancidkittenn]

stop posting picrews in the traumacore tag, that's not what its for

Traumacore is a way for trauma survivors to cope through art, vents, images and anything else. If something helps a trauma survivor cope then it can be put in the traumacore tag. Those picrews have a particular meaning to me, they help me cope. I linked to the original picrews so it's not like I'm immorally stealing art or anything. I'm aware that the creators of said picrews didn't intend for it to be used for traumacore, but the creators of say, Sanrio or something similar that is regularly used for traumacore, never intended for it to be used for traumacore either. It is used for traumacore despite this because...believe it or not...It helps people cope! Please stop gatekeeping the community and telling people what they can and can't use to cope with their trauma, thank you.

[rancidkittenn]

STOP STARING AT ME STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

[rancidkittenn]

and I would burn myself alive from the inside to feel a little less of this.

[rancidkittenn]

Oh, to be a fair lass dancing through the meadows of Elysium🌼🌸🍃

[rancidkittenn]

"The world is a vampire sent to drain, Secret destroyers hold you up to the flames, And what do I get for my pain? Betrayed desires and a piece of the game... Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. Someone will say, "What is lost can never be saved." ...Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal, But can you fake it for just one more show? And what do you want? I wanna change. What do you get, when you feel the same?... Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. Then someone will say, "What is lost can never be saved." Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage... Tell me I'm the only one, Tell me there's no other one. Jesus was an only son, yeah, Tell me I'm the chosen one. Jesus was an only son, for you... Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage, And someone will say, "What is lost can never be saved." ...Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage, And I still believe that I cannot be saved." Bullet With Butterfly Wings // The Smashing Pumpkins

[rancidkittenn]

One for sorrow, two for mirth, three for a wedding, four for a birth, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret to never be told, eight for a kiss, nine for a wish, and ten for a bird you must not miss.

[rancidkittenn]

I wonder if any of you knew how much I was hurting, do I reek of suffering? I should. Afterall, once something rots on the inside, the infectious mold must spread outwards.